Dear wrecking ball,
(this is long)
I will stop myself from missing you based off these following facts. WHAT I WILL NOT MISS.
-Silent Treatment : Always shutting off your phone, KNOWING I would panic and not sleep.
Cutting me off in fights, the hanging up on me when I was talking.
-Your constant verbal bashing.
-Calling me a bitch, crazy, stupid, emotional..etc.
-Twisting everything around so you take no responsibility for anything
-Driving off like a maniac, using you car to scare me and threaten my life
-breaking your car steering wheel, objects, smashing your head, threatening suicide, running into traffic, saying you will
throw yourself from a cliff ..etc.
-The black "GLOOM" that perminated the room with your seething silence.
-always sleeping, stomach aches, head aches, back aches, Saying your eye hurt and you couldnt call me on my birthday. (or if
I ever needed you, you were ALWAYS sick with some mysterious ailment)
-Devaluing everything! Esp if it meant something to me, including myself!
-LIES, LIES, LIES, pathetic excuses and MORE LIES, denying things right in front of you
-How you made me fear, and walk on eggshells
-Your demeaning cruelty, demanding things constantly
-CONTRADICTIONS and UNPREDICTABILITY.
-You could never be happy and if you were , you blamed me then if you were NOT (which could switch in minutes) you blamed me
for making you unhappy
-Smear campaigns to family/friends/co-workers , any one that would listen, Except you acted sweet in front of two friends we
had in common to "SHOW" you were not talking bad about me.
-Online cheating (probably in person too), I smelled sex on you randomly. I now understand after ten years why I was not
allowed to do your laundry.
-Triangulation with females, everyone. EVEN YOUR CAT!
(You called me crazy for that observation)
-Ruining my body with multiple pregnancies, with your demands of unsafe sex. (The pain, guilt and emotions I still live with
-How you tormented me about abortions. Saying you would put a abortion in a jar in front of me, to "torture me".
-The fairy tales you constructed to "hook" me, the rings, the lies of marriage and never leaving
-Stealing from me
-Never supported my dreams, having no dreams of your own
-Spoke ill of me to your Mother (family), turned them against me, and your friends. Have us all separated.
-Never defending me when your friend M, called me a "bitch", because I called his home very late worried about you after you
threatened your life again.
-Making me doubt myself (calling me the crazy one with issues) or doubt my decisions
-Being discarded many times in a cold blooded fashion
-Constant need for attention
-Broken promises, saying you would never mention giving me money if I accepted it, then throwing it in my face anyway at the
-The way you abused the cat, the dog in your house and getting rid of MY dogs when you said you would care for them
-Severe mental, psychological abuse
-Minimizing the abuse, everything
-Minimizing 10 years together, calling it all bullshit and not a "justification" of effort to stay with us
-Never chasing ME
-Ambivalence constantly, LOVE-HATE, PUSH-PULL, Jeckell-Hyde
-Moody and sad when given presents, no gratitude, just empty fake "Thank yous, if that.
-Manipulation of everything, even people on your video game you would manipulate in front of me with no remorse
-Always had to do everything, or you would rage/ give silent treatment, Like carry groceries, push shopping cart, open doors,
clean, cook, work ( you could always do it better!)
-Never giving me credit for anything, esp if it was something I thought of or told you
-Throwing me around, making me uncomfortable when I was moody, demanding sex, always bothering me during women monthly time,
or when I was sick
-Being a jerk when I told you I actually slept well one night, one day out of the year because of PTSD/insomnia
-Making me feel bad for not showering with you, or sending naked photos
-Making me feel bad for my personality
-Saying you though of something I actually just told YOU
-Never answering a question directly
-Always "acting" like an airhead
-Secret and sneaky, locking cell phone
-Never sharing feelings
-Expecting me to " mind read"
-Threats! Threats to take our child away when pregnant, turn off/break your cell, cancel my phone, hit yourself, silent
treatment was your favorite
-No hobbies or goals, interests (unless they were mine), no defined future plans
-No value of anything, always trashing property
-Stalking (in the beginning)
-Bizarre car chase after me, when I took back the letters/cards I wrote you
-Robotic, reptile words, repeated the same tone, manner EVERY DAY
(I love you babygirl, miss you, MUAH..etc) BRAINWASHING!
-Acting bitchy about everything, like you had constant PMS
-Texting saying you will turn off our cell phones at the end of the year (after I went NC for 2 months this time), then
texting saying you would turn it off at the end of the month , then shutting it off that night, because I did not answer your
texts, YOU ARE CRAZY!
-Crazy strange things you said/did to me :
"People are like 3-D cartoon cut-outs, like objects in the background to me"
" I had a fantasy that we would draw knives and kill each other (you had a creepy smile when you said this)
" I like to pick girls to fix them"
" I used to burn ants, I thought it was funny" (laughing)
" I will never beg for no bitch!"
" I hate Libras!, They are psycho bitches" ( but then you contact two exes after we split once , whom are both Libras, that
you SWORE you hated and they screwed you over, you went clubbing with them?)
-Caught you mumbling , and making hand gestures to the air as if some one was there?
-Punching your head repeatedly until you went unconscious.
-I told you I caught a STD ( I cant get rid of) in the past ,you gave no reaction just a flat " ITS OK". ( I thought that was
-Constantly changing stories
-Scared everyone away from me (pulled a knife on my friend for nothing)
-Demanding trust, but kept breaking it , waited hours for you when you got out of jail, you barely hugged me, gave me a snake
stare, everyone left you BUT ME. F*CK YOU!
-Always blaming your culture for being non-emotional ( cuz your Asian), Saying racial jokes
-Long periods of disappearing
-You are constantly BORED!
-Pushed me against a wall, gave me a concussion, Didnt go to the hospital with me, Thrown me across a parking lot and almost
ran me down with your car, in front of my daughter while I was pregnant. I never got an apology, not for anything!
-Threw me around a room, held me down and hurt me, while I was suicidal. Took my phone when I tried to call 911, broke it
against the wall, Lost my job because of that, bailed your sorry ass out of jail
-Slamming my car door even after I asked you to stop
-Threats of abandonment
-Smoking, getting violent when I encouraged you to stop smoking, Then you stop months later and tell everyone you did it with
no encouragement, the you smoke again and blame me for stressing you
-Not coming to the doctors with me when I was pregnant, abused me SEVERELY while pregnant, threatened to take the baby away
from me, saying you were more "stable" than I was.
-I did a balloon healing ritual with you, to get you past the pain of losing babies, You wouldnt EVER take the time to heal
the abuses on us or to move forward. It was ALWAYS MY FAULT.
-Making me cry all the time, then saying " dont cry in front of me, it makes me angry, you do that to manipulate me"
-Forcing yourself on me sexually
-Bought me sexual bondage belts when we were trying to get back together after a split, not romantic. ( Just states "You are
my whore," with the present)
-Agreed I could move to NYC and NOTHING would break us up you said, gave me the money to go, then dumped me 2 weeks later, so
I left for good. You called me selfish and ranted about my daughter not calling you on Fathers Day.
You were NEVER LIKE A FATHER TO HER!
-Saying I chose NYC over you
-Constantly needed praise, and after endless praise it wasnt enough
-Encouraged your promotion at work, stood by your side when you had nothing , no money , no friends, and family. Then you
dump me after the promotion.
-EAT YOUR MONEY!!
-Fake attitude, FAKE FAKE FAKE EVERYTHING! Fake smiles and tears.
-How you said you loathe people, but go hang out with them over me. Or how you hated the beach when I wanted to go, but now
you want to buy a condo on the beach. How you hated your Ex Shelby (that bitch, you said;but contacted her after ten years
for supply. I am glad she ignored your ass.
-How much you hate Orange County, but will never get your ass up to leave.
-See above : FAKE FAKE.
-Hated everything, every state, every thing.
-Threatened suicide, to turn around and call me crazy, made me want to die too.
-Saying ": I dont love you anymore"
-NO NO NO NONE NO respect. Not me, nor my daughter
-Constantly slept all day, got mad if I didnt wake you ( like I am your alarm clock?) But got made if I did wake you up,
unless it was something you wanted!
-No responsibility for anything! Unless you are trying to "impress" some one.
-Had to do my car oil changes, clean, work, everything, made me feel incapable of anything. If I wanted to do something you
would pout/rage/ST then complain I wasn't letting you be a "MAN".
-Dead cold stares when I spoke of anything that concerned our relationship or my daughter.
-Masturbating on the phone while trying to talk to you about something important, said you "cant help it" , that I am just
-Fighting before bed, so I did not sleep
-Saying I was too anxious, sensitive..etc
-Speaking to me in a " baby tone" all the time, but would stop when friends around
-Using everything against me (like the power and control wheel your therapist gave you)
-Constantly walking on broken glass , literally and figuratively
-Using scare tactics like, knife pulling, slamming fists down, yelling, cleaning weapons
-Bringing up how exes were better than I was
-Forgetting my birthday, ruining every holiday
-One "upping" everything I did /said all the time.
-Dominating EVERYTHING, including a video game I only played for you to be happy, your must win attitude was obnoxious
-Raged at me in front of my daughter because I did not want to learn chess from you, THE MASTER!
-Constantly competing with me
-Lost jobs, apts, friends due to fighting and my PTSD
-Causing financial strain and homelessness on me and my daughter, never you, You would always just be home with Mommy
-Not giving me a job reference when you said you would ,to the company you worked at
made me feel bad for NOT wanting to sleep next to you, or let you live with us again (that's because you pulled a knife out on
yourself in front of my daughter and her friend, when we tried to live with you)
-Forgetting or denying plans, DENIAL OF EVERYTHING!
-Never making plans, never did anything intimate, like planning a romantic dinner with me..etc.
-Got mad when expressed physical pain during sex
-Using everything I liked or talked about against me
-Told stories, like how your double Virgo sign tattoo resembled "US". I never believed that, that was probably a resemblance
of your dual nature!!
-Grabbed me when guys were present
-Pretended to be tired or fall asleep when visiting my family members, or doing anything I liked
-Inconsistent with everything, moods, gifts, words, plans
-Making job plans for me
-Keeping me awake before big important appointments, or events. (like job, school) keet me up with fighting or sex
-Or the way you HAD to mention you went skydiving with a girl, I dont even know. A mysterious girl, when you PROMISED you
would take me. I am sure she is you OW now.
and there is so much more.
I dont care anymore, let her have all this now. Its her problem. Actually, I am very sorry for her and wish I could warn
NEVER AGAIN. I CHOSE ME. I chose PEACE, love, and intimacy.
You are a non-entity to me now, an object. The cardboard cut out. A ghost.
I cant say good bye to you, because you DO NOT EXIST.
This was just a waste of ten years of my life, and the chapter of my book that I was temporary insane to be with you.
Hello new life. FREE FROM ABUSE, FREE FROM YOU, and all the abusers that were once in my life.
Thank you for reading.