nolongerafixer's story

I have had NC with my xN for 8 weeks now and after almost 4 years of the jekyle n hyde, heaven n hell, up n down scary rollercoaster ride, I feel I am on my way to recovery after going through the excrutiating pain zone, the questioning and needing answers on the whys and wherefores.

Now I`m almost on the outside looking in, I wonder how the hell such a man could possibly get me into such a state of affairs. ME.....a confident, attractive, educated, successful, everything going for her woman, reduced to a `cigarette butt` to be stamped on.

Rather than go into lengthy story - I will precis memories of my Jekyle and Hyde of which some, you will relate to:-
Dr. Jekyle: extremely loving, charming, understanding, attentive, caring, fun to be with, immediate closeness, immediate familiarity, very generous even if I tried to say no (he was successful), fanciable at all times, snuggles on settee when watching t.v., breakfast in bed with flower on the tray picked from garden, held me tight all night in bed saying how much he loved me, he would cook lovely meals, treated me like a princess, always together seemingly building and progressing in a relationship made in heaven, very tactile in a without being creepy, holding hands when out - people commented on meeting us how lucky we were - how so in love with me he was (he would often say "I love this woman to bits, worship the ground she walks on, i`d die for her"), liked me with him at work when I didnt get called in to my job, liked me with him when meeting his friends for a drink even though I encouraged him to go ahead alone, enjoyed enchanting romantic heavenlyh weekends away in europe, lots of heavenly week long holidays abroad, romantic meals out, every day to day stuff was all the better with him by my side. Lovely xmases together etc etc.

I loved my Dr. Jekyle and would put in as much as I received. I would also be working hard on my part of the relationship too.Mills n Boon in reality. He was like a drug, I couldn`t get enough.

then..............just as Marti says things started to change veeeery slowly at first.................

Mr. Hyde: who, incidentally, was probably always there simmering like a volcano but I suppose reared his ugly head a year after with a catalogue of abnormal actions to certain things I began to list as my `questionables`. I started to question certain things that didn`t add up - I would let some go by but questioned others as I am not the `mug`, `doormat` type and if so I would want out of the relationship. For questioning the questionables I would get the devalue and discard actions which although very hurtful, I was fine as rather out than in as wanted out when there was a blatant lie/deceipt in progress in a supposedly loving, trusting, progressional `normal` relationship.

But getting out was the problem .....hammered incessantly throughout the day, daily, until your return, that it was your fault, your craziness, your self doubt and the rages in your face that he was NOT LYING, NOT BEING DECEIPTFUL and how could I think he would be when he worshipped the ground I walked on? You do doubt yourself. You must have got it wrong even though proof was staring in your face because you miss Dr.Jekyle sooo much its excruciating.

You robot back into honeymoon period where you question yourself and you work so hard readjusting your battered brain/heart to getting the relationshp back to as it was, rebuilding the trust and love. Then when you finally get to that point where you breathe a sigh of relief - your trust/love returning and all seems normal and happy, the questionables would appear again around 18 - 2o weeks in my case.

Had he been trying to be good and had just relapsed by this time? Had he merely got cleverer at covering up for a longer time? Was he putting things on hold until I got to this normal point? or was it around this time that my love and trust had grown back bringing with it stability and happy and he just wasnt happy with happy? Anyway, more questionables would ensue, more lies, sneaky stuff not just possible affairs in the daytime whilst he was at work, anything he would seem to lie about even if someone had seen him walk into a shop he would attack and lie vehemently that he hadn`t.
You knew he was lying yet he would almost kill to prove it wasnt a lie even going so far as to initimidate anyone who came near us. i.e. mutual male friends who may say a warm hello to me.

By now public shows of humiliation became apparent so now family and friends would see a very childish sham like relationship. BUT in our bubble with Dr Jekyle it was heaven. Although absolute heaven in the bubble on outside I was slowly becoming demoralised, demeaned, losing self confidence, becoming introverted where I am an extrovert, my mind was always on him I had no room for anything else. I dropped seeing friends as was too much of a hassle with his mood swings and punishments afterwards.

If I questioned an obvious questionable his rages got worse ( a bear trapped in the corner syndrome): once, I got punched so hard in the head I fell down, he poured water over me and told me to get up, my precious personal items were taken and thrown in the bushes or stamped on, my car tyres slashed for failing to return, I was punched and kicked again (after a questionable text came in early one morning which he deleted quickly)another occasion, three days out of hospital after having a 3 pint blood transfusion and an upcoming appointment for a cancer scare (incidentally, he was totally not there for me at this point when I needed him so much as I was feeling particularly poorly, scared and as he had my whole life depending on him only, I was very much alone through this) wed decided to take a very slow christmas shop as christmas was 4 weeks away.

He put on a new jumper his ex wife had bought him 6 months ago at the height of her psycho behaviour trying to break us up. Id asked him then to please not wear it in front of me as it wouldnt be right reminding me of all the trouble she had caused us and he said he wouldn`t.

I asked him why he would pick this day of all days to wear it when I was feeling particularly low and how was I supposed to link his arm with all the frustrating trouble she caused on my mind on top of trying to walk round the shops in my lack of energy state? He raged close up to my face and became mentally abusive. I didnt have the strength to fight back I felt so weak so I got up and just said that I was going to lay down for a while whilst he carmed down and had a rational think about how insensitive he was being at this moment. As I turned to walk out of the room he took a run and kicked me hard in the lower of my back wearing his hard big boots then preceeded to rip my favourite skirt at the back so I was exposed then hit me on the head. He was wild. I thought I was going to drop down dead I felt so low.

I was on coagulating tablets too to stop my bleeding. Only 3 days from a 3 pint blood transfusion!!!!! How unsympathetic could anyone get??!!! Im not one to play on illness or sympathy, it was a fact! I was at my most devastated at this point - the lowest an animal could get after being treated so cruely and I`d been there for him by his side through all the dramas that seemed to come his way over the three years!.
On lots of occasions my favourite clothes got wripped and thrown away simply for wearing them and looking nice.

Other times finding out hed been on abnormal porn sites and tried to liaise with women on these sites. I was devalued often in front of his family and friends, totally discarded at a funeral of a mutual friend where prior to the funeral hed been so loving and normal and when I needed comforting he was as cold as ice.

You mention eyes. I noticed his eyes were cold, dark, fixated and expressionless in the first year and that was when he supposedly adored me!!

Another occasion his six year old son, when coming over to stay, kept hitting me with an iron bar - I tried to stop it myself with sitting his son down and explaining how dangerous etc etc but to no avail so one day finding another bar in the shed, he really took me by surprise and hurt the base of my spine badly. I mentioned it to my exN after hed returned his son to his ex wife. He raged and raged at me that it was my fault and that I should leave his property. Instant dismissal. I left feeling demeaned, devalued, discarded, frustrated, crying that deep internal cry all night - all the work i`d put into the relationship, all the standing by him I did meant absolutely nothing, absolutely fruitless.

Why couldnt he see these things were not normal, they were wrong.
I took two weeks of hourly, daily, angry then threatening then sobbing, then angry then threatening then sobbing harrassment on getting me back (nothing to do with the incident - no apology - it was as if he really didnt realise why we were at this low stage) until he became Dr. Jekyle and apologised profusely, dealing with the incidents and promising hed change.

By this time I was like a robot. No feelings, mind numb. I was being brainwashed and ended up roboting back knowing it was WRONG WRONG WRONG.

WHAT HAPPENS TO US IS THAT WE DESPERATELY TRY AND HOLD ON TO OUR DR. JEKYLE HOPING HE WILL EMERGE AND TAKE OVER FOR GOOD. BUT HES A HOLOGRAM TO LURE US IN OR LIKE a bag of SWEETS A CHILD MOLESTER WOULD GIVE TO A CHILD TO LURE THEM IN. IT HURTS. IT HURTS. IT HURTS BECAUSE YOULL NEVER CHANGE THE CYCLE UNLESS YOU QUIT FOR GOOD AND DO NOT GO BACK.

As mentioned so many times - those narcissists who need you solely i.e. every inch of your life - you could have them if you become a nothing - void of feeling, no future goals (including your own taste in music, seeing friends, clothes you want to wear, opinions etc etc) devoid of empathy - becoming a replica of himself but do you want to give yourself up for the devil and would that be enough?????? NO................... he would tire of that woman as you would have given in, become a nothing, he would have sucked and drained every bit of you out so what would be left?????? Where would be the fun in that???? He needs the dramatic arguements, the awful power hungry abuse to keep himself satisfied and entertained.

His goal is to squash something of worth then discard it. You fighting to chnage him just makes him work harder to crush you. This could go on for years and years but crush you he eventually will and then and only then will HE LEAVE YOU. He will keep coming for you until he has succeeded. The more you fight him off, the more he will come for you to do just that.
If you decide to become a nothing he would then discard you anyway and then just play with you like a cat plays with a mouse .......for the rest of your life because you are still hooked ?????? Do you want that???????

YOU MUST GO FORTH AND NOT LOOK BACK. I have got all my friends back and keep arranging things to keep me busy and read this site (thank God for this site and for Lisa and Barbara's words of wisdom of which without, I wouldnt be as strong as I am today and which reminds me time and time again why I am here and why im NOT GOING BACK.)

At first I read this site every minute every day during my initial recluse period now I find its once or twice a week so yahooooooo I KNOW IM GOING TO SURVIVE THIS INTO A HAPPIER PLACE. It makes me angry now that he is able to go into our local to laugh and enjoy himslef when live bands are playing and all our mutual friends (mainly made by me as he didnt seem to have many when I first met him) are all being so nice to him as they just cant understand why we broke up us being the loving couple and all.

His last text (before I changed numbers) to me was if I had to have it my way i.e. ignoring him and not succumbing to his ways of getting my return then I must stay out of our local `or else and that he couldnt bear to see me so he wouldnt be able to help the consequences to my face`. I absolutely loved the atmosphere in our village pub. I moved here originally because I had friends who lived here too.I am only allowed to turn right out of my house and not left through the village. Why????Because I left him as I couldnt take any more of his Hyde behaviour. I feel angry and cheated on those busy, everyone laughing having a good time nights that I cant join in through no fault of my own and he gets to have it all.This is the one thing I cant change.

(One more thing: my xN had two previous wives. One he divorced 15 years ago. She still has no life?????No partner???? The second one is now a psycho. Divorced 6 years ago and has no life or partner????????? He still connects with them. I THINK HE KEPT THEM LIKE THIS BEHIND MY BACK. WHILST HE HAD ME VICTIM NO.3 (in between times hes had hundreds of women and who knows if he were seeing any in the daytime during seeing me ) i feel as though ive been through a `cold turkey`in the last 8 weeks as I am treating him as a class A drug (not that ive ever dabbled in drugs)and I am now slowly coming through it.

I WILL NOT HAVE THIS DONE TO ME.

NO CONTACT IS THE ONLY WAY. I CHANGED MY NUMBERS AND HAVE INFORMED THE POLICE THIS TIME. END OF.

Let this be a warning for all those questioning their relationship so early on.

Hope this helps and is a wake up call