No Contact -- the different phases
No Contact -- the different phases
I was thinking about how I used to know to the day, how many 'days' I was NC with the ex. And now, while I know roughly the months, it's due to knowing when we broke up, mainly. We broke up a year ago, and 2 months after that, I finally went NC and didn't break it. (except for still hearing about him through 'well meaning friends,' and then I omitted them)
I just thought I'd share my own journey through NC, and maybe you can all chime in with yours, and where you are, and what you're feeling as you come upon the different phases of it.
To me, it looks something like this:
First phase: NC is hard. Whether you did the dumping, or were dumped, this is hard to do. NC is often broken within the first month, often. It is hard because it feels like you are forced to not speak to the person, and you are still processing the horrible treatment you just endured. So, phase one is tough, and you typically want a hoover. (until you learn what a hoover truly is about)
Second phase: NC is hard, but not like phase one. You are starting to process your emotions, and all that happened. You learn what the disorder is, and you start to come out of the fog. NC is not AS hard to maintain, although, you are still vulnerable, and perhaps missing the 'good guy/girl' you once were with, in the beginning.
Third phase: You are no longer crying all the time, and NC becomes a little less burdensome. You no longer wish for a hoover, in fact, you hope it doesn't come. If it has come by this phase, you decide to change your phone number, and deactivate any other ways the ex can hoover you. You are feeling more empowered, but could potentially cave, if the hoover was good enough, and you were at a weak moment.
Fourth phase: You no longer view NC as cumbersome. It's effortless, and you are coasting through your day, barely thinking of him/her. You may get the occasional text from him/her, and you delete it without a thought. Silence has helped you gain extreme clarity, and a newfound love for who you once were. And who you are becoming. In the silence, you have grown, and you no longer miss him/her, or think about a hoover.
Fifth, and final phase: NC is just automatic. You wouldn't dare think of calling, texting, emailing your ex N at this point. It doesn't even cross your mind. If he/she is still hoovering, you should definitely consider changing your number, and omitting any other areas he/she can seep through to hoover. Even though you're over him/her by now, you don't want any reminders of all that abuse. It's time to put it behind you for good...if you are being hoovered, take care of it. If you are not being hoovered by this point, thank your lucky stars.
The final phase truly bring indifference. You can barely remember any good times, even if you struggle to remember, and even the bad times are like a blur. You learned. You have grown. It's almost like it didn't happen, once you reach this phase. You don't even label it NC in your mind anymore, you are just living your life...you have healed, and while you have some scars, you work through them, because you know you can.
NC teaches us, in all its phases, that we don't need them. In the silence, you regain strength and confidence, and you show yourself, that hey, so and so is not here, and I'm still working, laughing, and living life. I don't NEED this person. The longer you go, the more that becomes a reality.
I highly encourage everyone who is struggling in the early phases of NC to just stay the course. As hard as it may be. NO MATTER HOW GOOD OR VALIDATING THE HOOVER IS. NO MATTER HOW THE EX N WANTS TO GAIN SYMPATHY FROM YOU (they pull out all the stops when hoovering)...STAY STAY STAY NC.
You have to get through those tough phases to get to the final one. But it's worth it.
Now, I just have to work on trusting people again. lol I'll get there. Thanks for letting me share this. I hope it helps you, in your personal journeys. ((hugs to all the ladies and gents here who have been my support through my own trials with this))