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No Contact

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#1 Apr 29 - 5PM
Anonymous (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

No Contact

"No Contact" is mostly about the victim forcing "distance" into the relationship to help the victim heal; to get the "space" needed to get over the hurt; get on with their lives.

The key elements of "No Contact" are

~ to get the partner out of your day-to- day life,

~ to stop thinking in terms of a relationship,

~ to take them out of your vision of the future,

~ to stop wondering about how they are perceiving everything you are doing, and

~ to stop obsessing with how they are reacting (or not reacting) or what they are doing.

These are the simple objectives of "No Contact". You may need to remind yourself every day of what you are trying to do. It takes focus and determination to do this - at a time when you probably just want to sit down and cry. Just keep reminding yourself that it takes great strength and determination to be emotionally healthy.

So where does sudden silence, changing of the phone number, blocking the e-mails, running away into the night, come in?

These are just tactics for accomplishing the goals above; there are many others. And often, the more subtle, less "in your face" tactics work as well - even better. A more direct approach- simply saying you think your partner is unhealthy, or acting as if you don't find them attractive any more - can cool a relationship and create a lot of emotional distance pretty quickly. You know this person as well as anyone - you know what will work; what to say that will cause them to pull back.

And herein lies the problem.

If you really don't want to "disconnect", if you're hurt and timid and it's not a high priority get healthy, you will find many reasons not to do the obvious. Or, even more common, if you are still holding out some hope, or are struggling with uncertainty, you will likely fear the permanence of such action and purposely select something ineffective and secretly hope that it fails.

Let's call all of this, "dubious intent."

When the cure becomes the disease:

The problem with the oft suggested "No Contact" tactics (blocking the e-mails, and silence) is that, when coupled with "dubious intent", they can easily be misdirected into ways to vent anger, to punish, to manipulate, to make a statement, to defend a principle, to make someone appreciate you, to try to force someone to listen to you, ... to even win some one back (?!).

And these tactics will often generate a non- productive counter response with the borderline partner. Along with high emotions - the borderline partner's fear of abandonment may be triggered and they may try harder to hold onto the relationship - or possibly they won't be able to cope and will seek retribution.

You could, at the same time, feel very guilty for what you've done, and when your anger subsides, find yourself asking to be accepted back into the relationship - maybe with less self esteem than when you left.

None of this is healthy disengagement. This is only advancing a dysfunctional relationship to a higher level of dysfunctionally.

No Contact is mostly about you:

If the "x" is sending you e-mail, the biggest problem is not that they are sending it - but rather that you are reading it, and/or are stressed out about it. Ignored, unread e-mail are harmless.

No Contact is about dealing with this aspect of "you":

If you don't have the discipline to not read their e-mail, for example, then have your e-mail program route it to the trash. Accept that you're hurting emotionally, and use this type of "crutch" to protect yourself against yourself.

But also understand that "not reading", the e-mail, for example, is a lot different than having the "x" receive an "undeliverable" auto-reply. The "undeliverable" auto-reply" is really a way that communicates your vulnerability or your anger or your ______ (fill in the blank). If you do this you are opening a door into your recovery process... so, ask yourself "why?".

True Disengagement (No Contact) Works.

The key points:

1) No contact" is conceptually about disconnecting from a relationship. The name describes, more or less, the key tactic... but NC is not the goal... the goal is for you to disengage yourself from the relationship.

2) The harder it is for you to disengage, or the more you are enmeshed in the relationship, the "higher a wall" you should erect (to keep yourself out). This is the first basis you should use to decide on which tactics are appropriate.

3) Straight forward tactics are the best way to effect "No Contact". Dramatic tactics work well too, but before using them, carefully examine your motives to be sure they are healthy and you are aimed at the right target.

4) If your partner doesn't start to disengage and give you "space" then more forceful methods may be in order to absolutely "close of the door"... but if you have options, try to pick those that neutralize the partner - not trigger them. Look for "defusing" tactics first. This is the second basis for selecting which tactics are appropriate.

What if it is just too overwhelming?

Expect that this will be too overwhelming. Leaving some one that you love, hurts. Minimizing the damage, in the long run, is what this is all about - the price for that is hurt today.

Hurt is part of your healing - it's your greatest challenge and you must be committed to work through it - which is where we began this discussion.

Be prepared to seek help. If you find yourself slipping into depression, ruminating, etc - recognize early that these are not signs that you should go back into a dysfunctional relationship, but rather signs of your own private struggle with your emotional enmeshment. It is common in these relationships.

When this happens, you may need professional help, possibly medication, to mediate the depression and the ruminating before it breaks your resolve; drives you back into an unhealthy relationship.

Whenever you are mentally impaired; chemically imbalanced; or in a state of anxiety, you will likely make bad decisions, and even feel overwhelmed by the need to make them. If you are in a depression this whole endeavor may seem insurmountable.

But it is not - it's your emotions, distorting your reality. Find the time - spend the money - get professional help and get and keep yourself stabilized.

Leaving someone you love is difficult. There is no question about that. And, You will likely feel insecure, uncomfortable, and empty when you are on your own... but this is just a natural unwinding of the intertwinement of two people... everyone feels this.

Disengagement. No contact. Out of site - out of mind. It works best when you fully understand it.

~ Facing The Facts

http://www.bpdfamily.com

Jul 23 - 11AM
BadaBing
BadaBing's picture

thanks Lisa

No Contact is mostly about you: If the "x" is sending you e-mail, the biggest problem is not that they are sending it - but rather that you are reading it, and/or are stressed out about it. Ignored, unread e-mail are harmless. No Contact is about dealing with this aspect of "you": If you don't have the discipline to not read their e-mail, for example, then have your e-mail program route it to the trash. Accept that you're hurting emotionally, and use this type of "crutch" to protect yourself against yourself. and thanks Vilde for the reference! I needed to read this today!
Oct 20 - 8AM
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

NO CONTACT

SEE TOP POST ~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Pathologicals only discard the best, most precious of gems of people... not the worst. They despise the strong, principled, decent & honest. Their discarding of you is then their highest commendation of your worth!" - A.V.
Oct 5 - 6PM
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

NO CONTACT

SEE TOP POST ~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Pathologicals only discard the best, most precious of gems of people... not the worst. They despise the strong, principled, decent & honest. Their discarding of you is then their highest commendation of your worth!" - A.V.
Jul 16 - 1AM
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

more on No Contact - for cupcake

~~~~~~~~~~~~ Articles & information for abuse victims - Updated Daily Online Coaching for Victims of Narcissists/ Psychopaths
Jun 28 - 2PM
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

More on the "No Contact" Rule

read above
Apr 29 - 5PM
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Why No Contact is So Important

http://gettingpastyourpast.wordpress.com/2008/12/07/no-contact-again/ -- by Susan Elliot The key to recovery is to stop practicing the addiction first and then start talking about it, not the other way around. ~ Robin Norwood Until you give up your drug of choice you remain unteachable in most aspects. AA welcomes back people who slip and slip and slip because meetings and one-on-one with sponsors and other recovering alcoholics “sow the seeds” of recovery. But it’s a HUGE arsenal that they throw at someone trying to get sober. With NC, there is no AA (unless you go to SLAA and/or Coda and/or Al-Anon, and if you’re struggling with NC, you probably should). So you must build your own arsenal. Your friends, your family, MEETINGS (yes, there are 12 step meetings around the world…GO TO SOME), reading, journaling, on-line support, social groups, hobby groups, work groups…BUILD YOUR NETWORK OF SUPPORT…you don’t even have to share (in social groups/hobby groups etc) about NC…just use them as your foundation of support….don’t just sit there and wait for contact to happen to you. PUT a support system in place. Otherwise you’re just hanging out there waiting for it to happen. You are CHOOSING it to happen. Yes, you are. NC and your ex is like an addiction to some people. If it has not become a full blown addiction, it is, at the very least a compulsion or an impulse… an itch that you think MUST be scratched. Even if the ex is responding very negatively to this contact, you keep practicing it over and over again. Or the ex calls and you run. Like alcoholism, failure to maintain NC is NOT about strength or weakness. It’s not about, as one person said to me yesterday, being “hopeless.” It’s about facing the addiction head on and deciding, ONE DAY AT A TIME, that you are not going to engage in your addiction for TODAY. This includes calling the ex, when the ex calls you, looking at his or her MySpace or Facebook page, talking to mutual friends about him or her, getting into any space whatsoever that can lead to contact of any kind… active or passive. It’s not easy, it doesn’t feel great… yes it’s hard. But anything worth doing is hard. It’s not a matter of character or morals or anything else. AA says that those who fail are those who are “constitutionally incapable” of getting honest with themselves. It doesn’t say those who are constitutionally incapable of getting sober or those who are constitutionally weak. NO. It’s a matter of honesty. And like getting sober, going NC is also a matter of honesty. WHAT IS IN IT FOR YOU? It’s “easy” to be a victim. To go 'wha wha wha' I can’t do it. To pull on the victim shawl and go “I’m too weak, the pull is too strong… I’m not able… I’m not ….” That’s the easy part. The HARD part is taking a good long look at you and figuring out, “What am I getting from this self-abuse?” What part of me is getting off on this craziness. What part of me ENJOYS being a victim of circumstance? What do I get by refusing to take charge of my own life? If you refuse to ask these questions, if you don’t do that, if you don’t work HARD at that, then you’re never going to get better. That is step one. SELF HONESTY. The person I was talking to yesterday made a list of all the things she’s tried to stay out of contact. Now she was turning to me. I said, “But NC is a prerequisite, not an option.” She said, “But it can’t be done.” But it can be. That is like someone coming to me and saying I can’t get sober but if you are my therapist, I can get sober. Uh no. That is not how it works. I don’t have the power to get anyone sober or to get anyone NC. When I was a practicing therapist you had to be attending meetings, having a sponsor, hanging with sober people before I would be your therapist. Now it’s the same with NC. You have to be NC before we can talk. I can help you maintain it and be there in weak moments but I can’t get you there. You have to get there and you have to employ every piece of arsenal you have… friends, family, meetings, message boards, books, journaling… everything… when the temptation to break NC comes to call. In AA a sponsor will say “Call me BEFORE you pick up a drink, not after.” Same with NC. Go to your friends, your family, your meetings, your books, your journal, this blog, that message board….WHATEVER IT TAKES… do it ALL before you break NC. Going afterwards isn’t really going to help that much. You have to employ everything in your arsenal while the urge is great, when the temptation is there…when it’s at its peak. It’s the urges and the compulsion you are trying to deal with…not the messy aftermath. ACT DURING THE URGES. In EVERY aspect of your life learn to sit back and OBSERVE and not act. If you are doing this, NC will be easier to maintain when the ex comes along. You MUST get some perspective on what you are doing and how you are actually responsible for it… it’s not something that just “happens” to you. You play a role in your own demise and you need to stop it. The old saying is “Insanity is repeating the same action expecting different results.” Contacting someone who does not want to be contacted or who hurts you every time you do is insane. INSANE. How do we stop? We address the emotional, the behavioral and the cognitive. Unless change happens in a BALANCED way, it is not going to happen. The first thing we must do to be successful in no contact is behavioral. We must stop contacting the ex. We must contract with ourselves to stop doing it, we must DECIDE to stop doing it, we must sit with the uncomfortable feelings that come up when we don’t do it, we must talk about it, write about it, journal about it, but SIT with it…learn from it…what is going on when you are going crazy? But most of all we need to NOT do it. One Minute At A Time. That is what we need to do to keep from picking up the phone, the keyboard, getting in the car, doing what we normally do to initiate contact. We need to go from one minute to the next avoiding contact. What to Write and When To Write It. # When you are coming out of your skin to contact the ex, ask yourself, “How” “When” “Where” “Why” “What” about your feelings. Some examples: What are they? # How did they get triggered? # Are you anxious, bored, sad, empty, lonely? # What outcome do you expect? # Where are your expectations coming from? From your fantasies of what you WANT to have happen or from the reality of what contact has resulted in before? # Are you in fantasy or reality? # Why are you allowing someone to treat you this way? # What work do you need to do to stop allowing this? # What work are you NOT doing that is driving you to this behavior, once again? In behavioral therapy, therapists often ask their clients to keep detailed daily records of particular events or psychological reactions. And so it is with contacting the ex. What is going on for you BEFORE you call? # Are there trigger situations? Are you bored? # Sad? # Angry? # Trying to change the past? # What IS going on for you? Are you trying to relieve the pain and the pressure? # Why do you keep going to an empty well for water? # Think about this decision and this action… What is the payback for you? # Negative attention is better than no attention? # Letting the person know you still exist and if you are miserable, you are going to say things to make him or her miserable as well? # What is your motive? # Can you just not accept reality? # Why are you so focused on this one person? # There are other people in the universe. Why are you so afraid of finding that out? Whether or not you can figure out WHY you’re doing what you are doing, you still need to make a decision to stop. It is a difficult process to change behavior but it starts by NOT DOING IT. You stop doing it and THEN you talk about how uncomfortable it is. You don’t start talking about stopping and think that one day it will just magically stop happening. If you were an alcoholic or addicted to cigarettes, you’re not going talk yourself into one day waking up and not wanting a drink or a cigarette. No,you will stop the behavior (drinking/smoking) and then all the discomfort will rise up in you and you will deal with it or choose to go back to practicing your addiction. The longer you practice it, the harder it is going to be to stop. The way to stop is to decide to stop, THEN STOP, and then address the discomfort that comes up when you stop. STOP MAKING EXCUSES for your inability to stop contacting the ex. There are NO excuses. STOP IT. Marshall your self-respect and tell yourself that you are better than this. Do your affirmations. Repair that tattered self-esteem. STOP DOING THINGS THAT ONLY MAKE YOU FEEL BAD. If you have the urge to contact, sit on your hands if you must. Go somewhere where there are no telephones or computers (leave your cellphone at home and drive to a park or a mall or somewhere where you cannot communicate). Talk to a friend. Write emails to anyone but the ex. Take a nap. Meditate. Visualize your life free of this person. Journal. Cry. Exercise. LEARN ALTERNATIVE BEHAVIORS when you are desperate for contact. If it’s not working, ask yourself: Are you not done yet? Do you need to beat your head against the wall some more? Well have it. Knock yourself out. Let us know how well that all turns out for you. But the longer you play around in the mud with the ex, the longer it takes you to get where you are going: to a new and happy life. YOU CAN DO THIS!!! http://www.prestoregister.com/cgi-bin/order.pl?ref=susanje1&fm=1
May 25 - 8AM (Reply to #8)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

NO CONTACT!

read whole thread ~~~~~~~~~ Moving Forward: Coaching for Victims Pathologicals Feelings buried alive never die. - Alice Miller
Jun 28 - 5PM (Reply to #2)
justwantpeace
justwantpeace's picture

no contact

Today is one of the days I wish I could fast forward and have this down path. Each time I do have to interact with him, it leaves me drained and exhausted and uptight. In our temp agreement til july 17, i have to pick son up from his dads current residence. I feel awful when I pull in the driveway and the anxiety really happens til I leave and stays with me for awhile. I hate this. Today should be counted as a blessing, he heded my lawyers letter and didnt come to the car. So either he is trying to make sure and look good or he is getting his supply somewhere else. I should be thankful but all i feel is emotionally wiped out and i let it come up am i not loveable. Why i dont know. This is ridiculous. i still let myself get worked up.
Aug 27 - 1AM (Reply to #6)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

justwantpeace

because you are still programmed by him. It takes a LONG time to deprogram. Most people start doing better around 18 months. If you have kids you can't go total no contact but you can STARVE THE VAMPIRE: http://saferelationships.com/11 This video: http://sweetcardomom.wordpress.com/2008/10/27/starve-the-emotional-vampire-the-sociopath/ NO EMOTIONAL REACTIONS!! EVER!! I talk to exNH like a robot. I ONLY respond when its about the kids. HIM: You're a bitch! ME: So you'll be here at 11am for the kids? HIM: This is all your fault. You made me like this. ME: I will give the kids some money for food and have their clothes packed. HIM: You're a whore. You probably have men over while the kids are gone. ME: Have them back here by 5pm on Sunday. HIM: You're a..... (CLICK - this is where I hang up, close the door, walk away) The whole time I have learned to stand their and smile like a mannequin. He escalates, etc but I NEVER REACT. EVER!!!! and if he tells the kids to tell me something, I document and send it to my attorney. ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Free articles & information for abuse victims: http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com Effective Coaching for Victims of Pathologicals http://one2one4victims.webs.com/
Nov 21 - 5PM (Reply to #7)
cullencougar68
cullencougar68's picture

Reading Your Words Resonated with Me

Hi. This is over two years since you wrote this particular entry, so I am hoping things are even better for you now. I am at the point you described in your post above at this moment in time. The light bulb finally clicked re: No Contact, and what that really means, and what that has to look like when you have kids together. I'm interested to know how you are doing these days? Does it get better with time or stay the same? I hope this finds you well.
Jun 28 - 5PM (Reply to #3)
Amy
Amy's picture

Justwantpeace

You will get there... It takes a while. It doesn't help that you have to interact with him. Find some things in your life to do. Go to the gym, hang out with girl friends, go to school... The more you fill your time with things YOU want to do, the less you will even think about him and what he is doing. Just my $.02 Amy
Jun 29 - 6PM (Reply to #4)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Going No Contact

Going "No Contact" means cutting off all forms of correspondence, communication and personal contact with a person who suffers from a personality disorder in order to protect yourself from recurring abuse. Description There aren't many long term solutions for dealing with a person with a personality disorder. Going No Contact (NC) is a solution that is sometimes necessary to prevent recurring abuse. Going No Contact (NC) is an example of setting Boundaries. NC is generally considered to be the boundary of last resort for a Non in trying to protect themselves from dysfunctional or abusive behavior. Going No Contact is often a painful decision to make - as you may have to let go of the persistent hope that a loved-one will get "better". Going No Contact is not an attempt to change a person or to teach them a lesson. If it were it wouldn't be "No Contact" but a bluff and an ill-advised one at that. Going No Contact is more about protecting yourself and letting go of the need or desire to change another person. If you are experiencing recurring abuse as an adult you need to take responsibility that you may be 'enabling' or 'allowing' the abuse to recur to some extent. If the person with the personality disorder doesn't have the self control or capacity to stop abusing you, the only way to make it stop is to go NC. If you have grown up as a child of a personality disordered individual, it may always have been that way and that may have become a way of life for you. You may not realize that you have to make the choice to not be abused. Going No Contact is a touchy subject. Some people don't feel comfortable with the idea of cutting off a family member for life and facing the consequences of what they or others might think of you. Making the decision to go NC is never easy and is more like choosing the lesser of two evils. It may feel like a death of sorts - the death of a relationship. You may find yourself grieving or mourning the loss of "what could have been". You may feel deeply depressed as a consequence of going NC. Going No Contact is not necessarily a decision to stop loving the person. It is a decision to stop struggling with them and let them be who they are going to be while not letting their behavior hurt you any more. People who go No Contact sometimes feel a great deal of Fear, Obligation and Guilt (aka - "FOG") about it: Fear - They may fear the retribution or anger of the person whom they have cut off. People with personality disorders have an intense fear of abandonment or need to be admired and may react destructively, vengefully or even violently when faced with the humiliation of being shut out of a family member or former partner's life. They may also fear the misunderstanding and anger of other family members, friends and acquaintances. Some of these third parties may feel like they are being left to "deal with it" and may express anger about that . They may also feel anger at their own situation while they don't have the nerve to take such a step. Obligation - Many people will resist going No Contact out of a sense of loyalty to a relationship, marriage or family unit and out of a fear of being judged by others. People who leave a marriage or family are often misunderstood as being selfish, over-reacting, disloyal, unfaithful petty, shallow and weak. Guilt - People who go No Contact are familiar with guilt. They will often be subject to "hoovering" by the person whom they have cut off which serves to play upon those feelings of guilt. They may be made to feel like they are the ones who destroyed a trust, broke the promise or threw in the towel. In reality, the promise was broken and the trust was destroyed by the person who behaved abusively before the relationship ended. People who go No Contact are likely to face a campaign of hoovering, both by the person whom they have cut off and by other family members and friends. It can be easy right after someone hurts you to feel like No Contact is the right way to go. However, when they start heaping all sorts of kindness and sweetness on you it can take an iron will to resist the temptation to give them "one more chance". http://www.outofthefogsite.com/CommonNonBehaviors/NoContact.html The greater part of NC is exercising our right NOT to be damaged by another person's words, moods or actions. It keeps us out of harm's way. It relieves us from the (often self-imposed) responsibility of carrying the other person's baggage. It isn't about punishing them, but protecting, even nurturing, ourselves. NC in the short term, can give us the distance from a situation or relationship that we require to gain perspective, and the time to examine our own role or reactions as well as how we feel about the other person and whether we can resolve a conflict, or if we even want to. It creates the space we need to heal, forgive (ourselves and others) if necessary, learn from the experience and either resume the relationship in order to take it in a new direction, or, if the circumstances and our feelings about them direct - leave it behind, for the betterment of both parties. NC in the long term, isn't necessarily rooted in holding a grudge (though it can be sometimes, of course) - but rather, as part of our own decision to move on and leave behind the damaging people and experiences of our lives while we work towards more healthful relationships and living. When is it appropriate to go No Contact? * When a person has used a threat or an act of violence against you, your children or themselves. * When there is a history or track record of verbal or emotional abuse directed towards you. * When abuse is recurring or habitual or your boundaries are consistently disregarded. * When the person who is hurting you is capable of taking care of themselves (not a child or dependent). * When you have thought it through and decided this is the best solution for all concerned. * When you are able to let go of any desire to change or fix the other person. * When you are ready to work on yourself and become the best that YOU can be. When is it inappropriate to go No Contact? * When you want to teach the other person a lesson * When you are reacting impulsively in anger over a recent event. * When you share children with the other person. * When the person who hurt you is a child or dependent or an adult who is not able to take care of themselves. * When you are bluffing and intend to go back. Also, don't accept gifts, it opens a window where you've closed the door, and it will make you feel obligated in some way-- NC is NC, no contact of any kind, under any circumstances. Keep that in mind for the future, and send gifts, and cards back -- via mail, not in person. NOTE: If you have kids, their gifts still count as contact, because you are responsible for them. Best to not let the kids even know of any gifts and send them back -- this keeps the kids out of it. Sorry, but this is a part of it, NC doesn't work as intended if you allow some contact and not other -- that's what MC (Medium Chill) is for. [Medium Chill – Maintaining a distant relationship with a family member and taking steps to protect oneself from being hurt when direct contact is unavoidable.] ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Free articles & information for abuse victims: http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com Effective Coaching for Victims of Pathologicals http://one2one4victims.webs.com/
Aug 27 - 1AM (Reply to #5)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

elements, reasons for and how to's of NO CONTACT

READ THIS WHOLE THREAD ~~~~~~~~~~~~ CLICK HERE: Articles & information for Narc Victims - Updated Daily "As soon as you feel that crazy sense of walking on eggshells, fending off N-rage, stop. Walk away." - Dr. M. B