Nicole's Story

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#1 Jul 9 - 2PM
Nicole's picture

Nicole's Story

New here.

Hi Everyone,

I don't know where to start. I feel shell shocked most of the time. I'm six months out of a five year relationship and have been in therapy each week, ever since. That's where I heard him, my ex, being referred to as a narcissist, or malignant narcissist, for the first time. She would never diagnose having never met him, but from my accounts, she says it is "textbook". I struggle terribly. Over the past 5 years, he left and came back about a dozen times - sometimes after 2 weeks, sometimes after 5 months. He constantly talked about his ambivalence, internal conflict, uncertainty, just not feeling enough...then would turn around and say that I am the one, and I'm the one he wants to be with, but there was always a but. But we need to get to a better place, but we need to do this less or that more, everything always so abstract. I never knew what was going on, but I always had this feeling like I needed to convince him, I needed to do more but didn't even know what that more was that was going to make him happy. I didn't know where all this conflict was coming from. Today, I get physically ill when I here the word ambivalence. He'd say we lack synchronicty (what does that even mean) but could go days without saying a word. He didn't need conversation, or to be close. It was as if when he needed or wanted me, I was there, otherwise I was just "something" in the room. What threw me off, and continues to, is how much the outside world loves him. He's an incredibly successful attorney (will argue you into the ground any day of the week for sport, and will make the most intelligent person doubt their own existence with his words) and very wealthy as a result. The outgoing, gregarious person at any party, the crowd pleaser, the God..the charmer. But close the door and be the only one with him, complete withdrawal and disconnection. I don't know if anyone is relating to this. I still doubt whether he is a narcissist or whether I was the problem. He had a way of making it seem like he was sorry for things, or sharing responsibility, but he really wasn't. It was always on me. I have my issues I suppose just like anyone else, but those issues were magnified and used as the reason why we didn't work. He'd say, if only I believed that he wanted to be with me, we'd be together, we would have worked. But I didn't believe because he was always leaving, not because of my childhood! It was never about his actions, and he would tell me this, it was about my reaction. No matter what he did wrong, he said I never had the right to get angry and be mad. And if I was, it had to be for a certain amount of time that he seemed appropriate, after which I needed to get over it, or he would leave. He said I could be angry, but then I would have to leave him. As if what he did negated my feelings for him. I found out years in that he would hit on other women, follow up with them, ask if he could take them out. I found emails, only years into it and only because I was planning a surprise birthday for him and needed addresses. I had never looked before. Never in a million years did I think he was doing that. When I saw that, I was devastated. Completely wrecked and I confronted him. He would look at me and say, "I met a woman, thought she was attractive, and figured if things didn't work out between us, I'd look her up." I couldn't believe it. And I didn't even believe that statement, as hurtful as it was. He had a way of convincing me of anything and I wsa stupid and gullible enough to believe it. You could be holding an apple, and he'd convince you you weren't. He was that good. He'd stick up for a stranger on the street before me. He was fair and never had a bad thing to say about anyone, except me. He'd find ways to belittle what I did, make it insignificant, unimportant - anyone can do what I do. But all his friends think he's wonderful. A great guy. Towards the end, Labor Day last year,we were in a boating accident. Just the two of us at night. I was unconscious and woke to him giving me mouth to mouth, but then standing over me saying, "wake up, wake up, I could go to jail for this"...I was in shock and kept asking for 911, but because he had been drinking, he wouldn't call. Instead, he moored the boat, drove me home - intoxicated - and tried to put me to bed until I got very ill. He knew that once he got home, the police couldn't prove where he was drinking. He told me I only had a concussion, and he didn't think I needed to go to the hospital. The paramedics asked him what happened and why we didn't call 911. I'll never forget this, but he stood over me and told them that I had a hard childhood and thought that maybe I was just exaggerating the pain or injury. I just laid there and cried. Afteral, what did that have to do with anything? I was injured. Wasn't that enough? Why would anyone ever betray a person like that? A week later he was making out with another woman at a wedding while I was home in bed with a concussion. I found this out because he emailed her telling her to wait a few weeks until things "were settled", meaning until I moved out (we only lived together 6 months). Once again, I confronted him and he said that I was mad at him and told him that I never wanted to see him again, so he thought that we were done. Now, I did say all those things, but I did because I was so hurt and upset by what he did. Couldn't he see that? Again, I wanted him to understand and see how hurt I was from his actions. Between Labor Day and Christmas, I went crazy. I was a person I would never even recognize. Paranoid, jealous, crying all the time, just going crazy...feeling terrible about myself and wondering what I did to make him feel this way about me. You have to understand that every time he came back, it was this grande, over the top, I love you, we'll be married in two weeks, you're the one....this is it.... It all made me feel fantastic. I wanted to believe him. But then when I did, everything would change and the dynamic turned back to this struggle for me to convince him I was good enough. I think I'm getting close to the point where I believe nothing would have been good enough. In the end, I found a letter that the girl before me of 2 1/2 years wrote describing her struggles with him and I felt like I wrote it. She had gone through so much of the same, but for a shorter period of time. The anger, the impatience, the needs constantly in flux and impossible to please, the ambivalence, the insensitivity... The last three things he said to me were:
1) you are a person that needs more (meaning that I was so needy) and that he falls in "the low 10 percentile of men that make women feel safe and secure. Who says stuff like that? It was crazy making. I didn't need more, I needed my fair share! For years I got crumbs, how dare he say that!
2) my comings and goings over the years were not that many, the mistakes i made were not that bad - a more confident woman would understand that. a more confident woman would have realized that what mattered was the fact that i was here with her.

I nearly went crazy when he said that. Mistakes? I know no one on this forum knows me, but I could forgive anyone for almost anything. I couldn't tolerate the cheating and the lies, but I even tried when it came to that!

3) if only you believed in me, things would be good - we'd be together.

that was it. he got up and started preparing things for his christmas vacation, playing music...and i sat there, having dropped 15 lbs in 7 days holding on by a thread. the level of disconnectedness in him was....I don't know, I don't even have words to describe.

There I sat. 35 years old, having given up my rent controlled apartment in NYC just 6 months earlier, gave away all my things...completely broken. he had just collected his multi million dollar bonus and was talking on the phone telling everyone. life was grand for him. he offered to help, playing the ever so generous guy - kind of in the way that one would say, sure you can have some candy, but the candy jar is too high to reach and they're not going to help you get it? the friends telling him he didn everything he head just spun. Five years.

This is just a small snapshot of everything, and it's six months later. I still feel awful. I feel guilty, I ask myself a million times what I could have done differently, I think about how easy it is for him to move on (he's 41) and do it all over again without missing a beat, and in my worst moments, I believe the things he said to me and just want to curl up and die. Because if what he said was true, then I really screwed up. It all started in the very beginning. He'd walk ahead of me on the street, or get up and leave a table while I was still eating. I would say hey, don't do that. It would be met with this anger, this aggressive response - and he would say that those aren't the important things in a relationship, that I'm being oversensitive. It always bothered me. Anyway, I'm so sorry I rattled on like this. I guess I'm just looking for a life raft. People say get over it, it was a break up - happens every day. Believe me, if I could get over it, I would. I don't want to feel this way. I read, I go to therapy, I journal...I talk to anyone who will listen. I want to see things clearly but I feel like just a shell. As if I no longer can see things clearly. I don't trust my own judgement.

Whoever read this, thank you. Any helpful words you feel like writing I would appreciate beyond your imagination.

Jul 15 - 2AM
Marie's picture


Welcome Nicole, I'm so sorry you are going through this but you've come to a great place. Lots of nice people here with so much to share and Barbara posts a lot of great articles. You made a lot of good points in your post that hit home for me. Especially the part where you talk about why they stop coming back. I absolutely agree with you there. My N has tried to come back a few times but each time I'd remind him why I didn't want him back. It was hard to go through over and over again mostly in the beginning because he was pretend guy, the guy I loved. But he had another woman though he denied it, I knew better. And thanks for reminding me that eventually she will be going through the same with him. As much as I hate him now, I know it will be a year now and he's still with her. Every once in awhile I fall back and wonder if it's just me. I wish you the best.
Jul 10 - 6PM
liselotte's picture

they are all around us

Yup they are all clones.. in fact I do understand now why they think everyone is like them, because narcs are indeed everywhere... HA HA
Jul 10 - 6PM
Carolyn's picture

You have been through one of

You have been through one of the worst scenarios -a narcissist with a very high IQ. he could twist, turn, demean, and shock until you were unable to understand what was happening; but you are very smart. Underneath it all you did know it was all crazy. Who would believe that a smart, available, rich lawyer was this crazy, cruel, and destructive. Everyone very soon. they blow themselves up in the late 50's early 60's. It will start to unravel soon enough and there will be other women out there who will have similar stories. You gave up a great rent controlled place, moved, and then almost got killed in an accident and ended up in total distress. You have to start planning for the future. You need to recover from the concussion, see if he will help you financially but don't be surprised if he refuses after he told you he would, try and find a job and start looking for the rainbow at the end of this terrible mess he put you in. It is always darkest before the dawn and you have been in a very dark place. You just have to move toward the light and get out. He looked great but was crazy. You did nothing, you were never responsible for what was happening, it was all a crazy drama that he was scripting and that very much harmed you. His day is coming. He will get into trouble, lose his license, end up on the street-you can't beleive what they do to themselves, when they can't get anymore victims, they turn on themselves. You have escaped a very terrible man. Be thankful and talk to someone about the mind control games he played on you. Narcissists are bad people to deal with but with law school trainning on top of their natural crazy control you didn't have a chance. talk to a legal secretary and tell her what you went through and she will tell you horror stories about crazy lawyers. One at the White and McAuliff law firm in San Francisco was so crazy/cruel to his secretary that she won a jury verdict of 31 million dollars. Her causes of action were a lot less serious than yours.
Jul 10 - 5PM
Nicole's picture

thank you everyone

Hi, I posted New here yesterday and was overwhelmed, and stunned at the similarities - by the response. A part of me feels so distorted that I can't imagine giving advice to any of you! But I will try where I can. I hate to see so many of you suffering through this...well, I feel like it's an emotional war. I can't see this about myself, but when I read the postings, I wish so much that you all could see how much you're really worth and what you really deserve. No one should have these experiences with people that they love. One thing I keep hearing and believe to be true more than anything else is that they, the Ns, just never cared. They don't love like we love, they don't feel your pain. Those two things alone are enough to drive you mad because you keep wondering why not? Why am I not good enough? It's too painful a reality to come to terms with, believe me, but it's the truth. All the things I read, the things Ns have done to hurt...these aren't mistakes. These are characteristics - who they are. A mistake is leaving milk on the counter. Cheating, lying, lack of empathy, not feeling your pain or even acknowledging it, and on and on and on, aren't mistakes. It's who they are and no one deserves that. No one. I cried reading through this site, mainly because I was so sad that people are going through this hell. And for what? For someone that doesn't even see you as a person. I don't know why we continue to "love" but I think a lot of the postings here are right, alluding to the fact that we loved what we hoped could be....we love that fake person that we sometimes got a glimpse of. And I think we hate the fact that everything we did just wasn't enough. It was never going to be enough. I also understand those who are hurting because their Ns have moved on to others. Mine used to remind me that I was the oldest woman he ever dated and that beautiful, smart, single women were a dime a dozen and my God does it hurt. I saw him charm others - in person, over email....get this - he even created a coupon (yup, a coupon) for a woman (that didn't want him and was with someone else) good for a date anywhere in the world. That was followed up with poetry. Wow. I sat crying wondering where my coupon and poetry was. While taking "a break" from me, he pursued her and won her over after six months, then dumped her and came back to me saying that I was what he really wanted. And I fell for it. Ugh. I know it doesn't help all that much, but please please please believe that the other women are not getting a different person. They are getting the same shit, excuse my language. Why on earth do we think they are going to do or be better for someone else? They won't. Those women just offer a clean slate. I believe that the reason they don't come back (especially after having come back so many times) is that they have it easier elsewhere. They don't have to deal with the pain, anger, and trust issues that we now have because of their actions with someone new. I think they keep coming back as long as they know they can easily fool us, which unfortunately can be too many times. I'm so glad I found this site, and all of you. Your words mean so much and I just hope that those of you who are struggling with no contact, or are still being pursued and lied to will find the strength to say no and stay away. I wish I had done that 5 years ago, but I know how powerful and convincing the charm can be. It's all temporary though. Don't believe it. Don't waste any more of your life on these Ns who don't appreciate you. They love themselves and look out for themselves. You're only there as long as they are getting what they need from you. They'll suck you dry and move on without the faintest hint of remorse. I hope I didn't overstep by writing all this. It just comes from the heart and I want all of you to feel better and stronger. You deserve to be loved for who you are.
Jul 15 - 1AM (Reply to #17)
cupcake (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

New too

Hi Nicole, i was really comforted and touched by your posts I'm new as well and it's so scary and hurtful. You sound really strong and really brave...I will keep re-reading some stuff you said becuase it sounds like me. Can I fall for things he says easily too...i read somewhere that they get you hooked on the adrenalin of the highs and lows...when they are high it is magical but the low is soon to follow. Then the high comes again and you can't help but hope that this time he will stay nice forever. But i guess it doesn't happen aye?!
Jul 10 - 10AM
Worndown (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Hi Nicole

Sadly, it is the nature of a narcissist to only worry about themselves. The boating accident and his reactions are so unbelievably selfish, that he would actually put your life in danger is the perfect example of why not to stay with him. He could actually passively kill you. This kind of thing crossed my mind about my N. As I was reading your story, his whole demeanor sounded so much like my n. I have often thought, if I ever get long term hurt or sick, he'll never want to help me, because it's not about him. When he's sick (even just a cold) though, if you take your attention off of him for any amount of time you have committed the unforgivable sin! The last time he had a cold he went to the doctor because he thought he had swine flu. His favorite saying "I don't know if I'm gonna make it Sweetheart". Oh brother! But it's time to rebuild. You have been given the realization that this is not the way anyone should be treated. That is the first positive step. I left my N about 3 weeks ago. I'm feeling pretty good, get blue once in a while but this site has kept me confident that I have done the right thing. He was sucking the life out of me. I felt like I had no personality left. I was being criticized, humiliated, ridiculed on a regular basis, some comments were subtle and some were big scenes of him yelling and screaming and all in front of my young daughter and the neighbors. He has since sent flowers, and left voicemails saying sorry on my cell. He hasn't asked to speak to our daughter. You would think a repentent father would at least want to say hello to his daughter. But he has not made the request and I'm not making the offer. He's not a computer person which is good. I am having no contact with him and have a lawyers appt. for the 16th. All I'm interested in is getting my half of the assets and starting a new peaceful life with my daughter. He's fooled me long enough. I was married to him for almost 12 years and it never got any better. He was pretty cocky there at the end. We attended church every Sunday and I am very serious about my faith. And learning all this about him makes me feel like he's been a wolf among the sheep the whole time. A liar, a fake. I would excuse his behavior by thinking, well he's borderline diabetic and if he gets hungry it makes him grouchy. Well, nooooooooooo, that wasn't it. He was calculating and decisive about all his tantrums and outbursts, his passive aggressive behavior was all planned out. It's really shocking to know that there are many, many of them out there wasting their brainpower on how to get over on their mate. Unbelievable! We could have been great together if he would have been a loving husband, but no. In his opinion, there was always something wrong with me he had to fix. Those days are over. Snap, snap, snap! I'm outta there!
Jul 10 - 10AM
Jodie's picture

I am so so sorry you are

I am so so sorry you are going through this nightmare. I too am 6 months out of a 5 yr relationship with a Narc and I know allllllllll about wanting to die, crawling up in the fetal position crying for days, getting violently ill, and looking in the mirror and not recognizing the woman I see. I truly truly FEEL your pain. My Nhusband is also incredibly charming, successful and gregarious (he's a professional athlete). I know what it feels like to be a "thing" to him, just something in the room that he has no desire to engage with, share with or even have a conversation yet he goes in public and has everyone swooning over him, it's sickening. You are experiencing PTSD right now which is very common coming out of a pathological relationship. Yes it's very disturbing how they can move on unfazed and unscathed as we are wallowing in the worst pain of our lives, it's part of their pathology. They are incapable of establishing any real bond or intimacy except with themselves and years together mean absolutely nothing to them, you are dispensable and disposable. It takes a very long time to heal from these monsters. Stay in therapy, pray, come to this board for support. Barbara has very insightful articles posted everywhere. Please, no matter how charming he may be, do not EVER take this man back. If you think you are hurting now you have no idea. He's already stripped you of your self worth but you are a strong, intelligent, caring, capable woman with a very bright future ahead. Have no contact with this man. It is the ONLY way to heal. Stay the course and you will be free. Know that we understand what you are going through and we are all here to support you. Hang in there, something beautiful will come out of this disaster. "Cry now because you lost him or cry later because you have him."

"Cry now because you lost him or cry later because you have him."

Jul 15 - 2AM (Reply to #14)
James (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Wow Jodie

I guess that another factor some of us share. Wanting to die, I remember when I was with her I ask of God many times please "Lord just let me live long enough for both the boy to be 18 and then you can take me!"
Jul 10 - 7AM
Scoop's picture

Its strange just how these

Its strange just how these storys all seem to be the same . I too have to same story . Im 6 days into no contact . He has tried to contact me 3 times . today with an email asking to see me . and here is where it get difficult . Here is when i have to dig deep and remain in no contact . The diffrence is i now know what his problem is . In the email today he even told me of an argument with a friend saying " she got me so angry that she made me say these things to her , i didnt mean to" ... sigh.. This man left and kept coming back . I know that one ! This is like no other breakup i have ever had .The roller coster of emotions are off the scale . This site has been sent by god as far as i am conserned . Im in the UK and we dont have a culture of therapy . The only way you get to see a counciler is if you are barking mad with a pencil stuck up your nose .We are unfortunatly behind the times . Keep posting as there is nothing like hearing others storys to valudate your own . Peru (still with broken spell check !)xx
Jul 10 - 8AM (Reply to #12)
quietude (not verified)
Anonymous's picture


Six days is six days...when it comes to trying to break the bond with a narc, that's a big deal! In the beginning, I celebrated in a small way if I was able to resist his emails, calls and texts. Every DAY was a milestone if I was able to ignore him. I would say to myself that I've come this far, so KEEP GOING! After I got to a certain point, I lost the urge to respond, especially as I found out more about N's. I was angry enough to keep ignoring him...anger definitely worked in my favor. As far as I'm concerned, there is no turning back now, after 4 months of not answering him. He however, since he has no real sense of time or reality, is still thinking he may have a shot. Heh! How long he'll keep it up, dunno. But his e-mails are mostly just pathetic to me now. I agree, this site has been much of the reason I've been able to stay away. Keep it up!
Jul 9 - 7PM
sassyredhead's picture


Your story absolutely breaks my heart!!! I don't understand how a person could put another person through that h*ll... Boggles my mind... The women on this Board are absolutely amazing! You will get the validation and compassion so desperately needed. We feel your pain!
Jul 9 - 7PM
devoured_soul (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

OMG, I cry when I read these

OMG, I cry when I read these similar they are, how much pain is in the words. God, I wish I had some magic sentence to take away your grief and pain, trust me. I wished that someone had one for me. But I had to find it deep inside myself. (And by "find it", I mean this: I FOUND IT, ALL'S COOL FOR A WHILE, I'M STRONG. I LOST IT, HOW COULD HE DO THIS? HOW COULD I MEAN SO LITTLE TO ANOTHER HUMAN BEING?) There is no closure. Never will be. That's why the relationship was anything and everything but normal. Healthy relationships don't hurt. Healthy relationship don't say "how could you get injured on MY boat on MY watch while I'm a drunk moron?" THEY LACK EMPATHY ON ANY LEVEL, FOR ANY REASON...EMOTIONAL, PHYSICAL.... Mine was a wealthy construction company owner. Yours was a lawyer. ONLY DIFFERENCE. He didn't care if I was sick. He didn't care if he hurt me. It was his "entitlement" to still see his ex-wife and lie about it. He kept me there in case his attempts to reconcile with her (even AFTER their divorce) failed. It was ok for him to rope me in with empty promises. After ten break ups. "But it's YOU I love!!!" "If you'd just believe me!!!" I could go on forever relating the similarities to your story. Yeah, my house is in foreclosure while he makes his ex's mortgage payment and is not obigated to. Oh yeah, he, too "helped" in the beginning then it got less and less. He told people he helped me financially (his ex included). It's the "look at me" that drives them to do that in the beginning. They get your admiration and gratitude. Then, like a junkie, when helping ("from their hearts", BTW LOL) does not give them the fix (NS) anymore, they'll stop. That's why my house is in foreclosure. He roped me in with his promises and desire to take care of me and even tho I am and have always been a gracious reciever, he backed off and the abuse set in. I weigh 102. I used to weigh 114. Trust what you know, what you feel. PLEASE TRUST YOUR JUDGEMENT. He was "crazy making". STAY ON THIS WEB SITE EVERY CHANCE YOU GET. AS GOD AS MY WITNESS, I WOULD HAVE TOTALLY LOST IT BY NOW IF NOT FOR THIS WEB SITE. READ, READ, READ!!! YOU'RE GONNA SHIT YOURSELF, BUT READ!!!! Mine told me he made a pros and cons list about me once. That's love, ain't it?!?!?!?! Point: you're not good enough. Neither was I. Neither was anyone else writing forums on this website. I'll be dipped in shit to think i wasn't good enough. I know better. God knows better. (DAMN! DO I SOUND LIKE A NARCISSIST???? YIKES! LOL)
Jul 9 - 6PM
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture


1. Get Lisa's book and READ IT! 2. Get yourself into therapy ASAP! This is NOT a normal break up and will take you at least 18 months before you feel ok. 3. Institute NO CONTACT with him ASAP 4. Click on MESSAGE BOARD and read back over the numerous pages. I have packed it with articles that will already cover probably everything you may ask. 5. Listen to Lisa's BlogRadioShow (its free) Hang in there - there is light at the end of the tunnel. We all GET what you are going through. ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Free articles & information for abuse victims: Effective Coaching for Victims of Pathologicals
Jul 9 - 5PM
James (not verified)
Anonymous's picture


Thanks for sharing Nicole! “He didn't need conversation, or to be close.” Boy did that one statement hit home for me! Can’t tell the folks here how many times I told her how I felt like the woman in the relationship and how we need to just “talk” and be “close’... I still have problems with this one! If I meet another woman that doesn’t like to talk or be together for the sake of just being together, I will run for the door, not walk!! Is this guy a NPD? Big time! Traits: Projections Unable to take responsibility for anything in the relationship Missing time: I haven’t heard much about this subject but it’s a major red flag Crazing Making. Type of gaslighting like saying one thing but doing another. Emotional manipulation and shift blamer. Using information from our past to point out our faults. When you could have died from the boating accident he could only think about "wake up, wake up, I could go to jail for this".. HIMSELF I sure there more in your thread but yes, what we have here is a THE MALIGNANT PERSONALITY! One other thing Nicole is don’t look for closure from him. The only closure you or any of us get is whatever closure we give ourselves. Looking for or wanting some type of closure from them is just a big waste of time. Glad to hear about going to therapy. Good luck and again thanks for sharing!
Jul 9 - 5PM
Jane (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Oh my God! You have just

Oh my God! You have just described my ex to a T! The crazy making, the gaslighting, the verbal and mental abuse... Hang on Nicole, this is no normal breakup, but it will get better in time. You have found the right place for support, so that's always a good start. Jane
Jul 9 - 3PM
finallydone's picture


First of all... I agree that you definitely came to the right place! We have all been there. I just got out of my relationship and I don't feel like it's really over - he has been in contact a lot. I feel like a shell and numb and obsessive thinking and reading and talking.... You are feeling completely normal and it hurts more than anybody can imagine. And I completely understand about wishing to get over it... but it just isn't happening. What he did to you was crazymaking, unfeeling, indefensible, doubletalking, gaslighting, cruel.... you were not wrong... it was not you!! I promise you that. Keep reading here. Read all of it. I have been on here every single day for months and sometimes I probably write too much and sometimes I just read. But you will see the patterns. And the emotions are going to go all over the place. Sometimes you'll read something and feel better because you feel validated, and sometimes you're gonna read something that makes you break down into tears because you realize the cold truth of what you've been dealing with and then you'll probably get a little mad and maybe even go looking for anything anything anything he did that makes him not like this and maybe he'll miss you and call you and apologize and beg for forgiveness. And sometimes they do that... but it's a lie. And the hurting starts again. Sweetie... I didn't write any of the above to make it worse so I hope I didn't. I wrote it so you know that you are definitely not crazy, you are not wrong and you are not alone. We do know the pain you're in and we will listen to as much as you want to share. This place is practically saving my life.... I promise you that it will help... it may not make it all better... but it does help! Stay with us and keep writing.
Jul 9 - 2PM
quietude (not verified)
Anonymous's picture


Hi and welcome...hon, you are in the right place for support and validation. I am so sorry for your experience. He sounds like quite an extreme narcissist if not a psychopath. My heart truly goes out to you. I hope your therapist has explained to you that this is not your fault, no ordinary faults of one person can 'bring on' this type of evil behavior in another. There is much to your story...and many of us have similar stories to tell. The people, places, events are different, but one thing you will start noticing as you read more...these guys are basically all the same. I've said it too, "DO THEY GET ISSUED THE SAME TEXTBOOKS ON HOW TO ABUSE US?" There are several behaviors your ex has shown that were just like mine. They are extremely disturbed individuals who expoit our good, compassionate, and kind natures. Please stick around, you will be getting a lot of valuable information here. Big hugs
Jul 9 - 3PM (Reply to #2)
trueblue101's picture

Did we date the same man?

Hi Nicole, Wow, they really are the same. It is amazing how your words described my struggle as well. My ex-N was also very successful, the charmer, the ladies man, blame shifter, walked in front of me..... It is great that you are in therapy and doing other healthy things to get your life back. I know it hurts and there are days you dont want to get out of bed, but you must. As I have said to many other women on this board" I am sure even on his best day he wasn't good enough for you." Stay strong and we are here for you.
Jul 9 - 8PM (Reply to #3)
neveragain's picture

Walked AHEAD of you on the STREET

I cannot believe how similar our N's are! It's absolutely mind blowing. On our FIRST DATE, after ringing my doorbell, and I came to the door. I said, "Hi, let me get my purse" (which was right near the door). When I came back out in like, literally THREE seconds, he was already walking down the side walk towards the street. I locked my front door and trailed behind him by a good 15 feet. Looking back and remembering how I thought "That's a little strange/weird. Why isn't he waiting for me?". RED FLAG. Hindsight is always so much clearer than what's right in front of us. Later on in our relationship, he would continually WALK IN FRONT OF ME on the street!!! ARGH....I can't TELL you how that devalued. Nicole, you have a very wonderful way of expressing yourself. We can all relate to a GREAT many aspects of your story. You are NOT alone. Healing takes time, patience and education. I'm trying very hard to get back to the girl I used to be....well, not her...she obviously was way too naive and attracted emotional predators....but a better version of the girl I used to be. Keep the faith, will get better. That man did not steal your soul....nobody can do that. He hurt you terribly but there is a way to heal from that. We're all on that journey together. It helps to write it out, vent and share our stories. Hugs and More HUGS, neveragain
Jul 10 - 10AM (Reply to #4)
Jodie's picture


Mine always walked 10 paces in front of me. Would never wait for me. He did that the first night we met and I thought it was very strange....he continued to do it 5 years later, even during our wedding, anniversary, etc. Never waited for me. "Cry now because you lost him or cry later because you have him."

"Cry now because you lost him or cry later because you have him."