News from the other side

It's been a while since I posted here, but I wanted to stop by since this forum, and Lisa's book, were so tremendously helpful to me during a really dark time in my life. I wanted to give an update, because the updates helped me realize things can get better, even if they don't seem that way at the time.

I've been NC with the ex-narc for more than seven months. At the time I stopped contact completely, I already saw him for what he was and no longer felt "in love" with him. But I realized I needed to do a lot of work on myself. I am still a work in progress, but I am making my life about ME and I am my number one priority now.

There was a time when I thought he ruined my life. Because of my relationship with him, I left my marriage, and my finances and job took a major hit. But I see now that even though I got swept up in the lies in a big way, I also made my own choices and I have to own up to that.

There was also a time, a year ago almost to the day, to be exact, when I thought I couldn't live without him. I thought he was my soulmate and the partner I had been waiting for all my life. I could not imagine life without him, and at this time last year, he was beginning the discard stage. I was devastated, and I can't emphasize that enough...fundamentally, I felt raped on a soul level. All the trust and love that I had given him, was shattered. It was one of the bleakest periods of my life.

But I am here on this forum to tell you who are where I was a year ago that it really does get better. But you have to do the work ON YOURSELF and be willing to let the narc go COMPLETELY. I didn't fully start to heal until I ceased all contact and made sure he had no way to contact me. I was diligent about therapy, and took a break from dating to connect with myself.

I am happy to say I am over the narc. There are no feelings toward him now other than maybe a little pity for the sad little man that he is. Unenlightened. He can't see the issues he has and he will likely be the way he is for the rest of his life, unchanging, unloving, and uncaring. I can say with all my heart, thank God I dodged the bullet and that he chose to stay with his wife. I am a million times better off in the life I am living now versus what I'm sure my life would have been had he we ended up together.

The reason I thought to write, also, is because it is true, they do come back around. But the beauty is, if you're doing the work and they do find a way to contact you, the prize in all that is that you'll see you no longer care, and it will be a reminder of how far you have come. I just discovered this morning that the narc sent me a flurry of emails last week, from a fake yahoo account (he is blocked in every way under the sun from every account I ever knew of his). I wouldn't have read them had I known they were from him, but I honestly couldn't figure it out at first. Once I realized who the rather cryptic emails were from, it only gave me a feeling of amusement, because the last one I read said, "Do you not want me to contact you any more? A simple yes or no would be nice. Thank you." As if I owe him a reply. The man thinks he is entitled to that. I could write a book on the wrongs he did me, and others in his life, and yet in his little world, he is wounded because when he demands a reply, he doesn't get it. My reply is to ignore and delete. I added the new email address to my blocked sender list so I don't have to see any more from him. Hopefully he won't try to reach out again, but if he does, he will meet the same result: silence. The beauty is, it's not a ploy on my part, it's not revenge, it's not antyhing, other than a permanent banishment of him from my life because I know he is toxic for me, I know I deserve better, and I LOVE MYSELF enough to do what is best for me.

Hang in there, all you kind, loving, wounded souls who are struggling right now with NC. I promise you, it can get better.