New members

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#1 Feb 2 - 12PM

Hunter

New members

Hello,

I notice many new members joining every day.. Many of you seem to be asking the same questions..

Most, if not all ,the answers are right here on the site.. There is a favorites sections with great cross references to even MORE information..

There are blogs and old threads..

I'm hear to tell you.. If you want to get better you have to do the work.. Yes work..

Lisa's books are available for purchase right here,,Goldies one on one info is here too, and probably the most effective resource that Lisa offers..

Last week many old members came back and shed lite on the healing process.. Funny how those posts get little activity.

In my home Garbage day is Thursday.. If I don't get up and take it to the curb.. It sits inside, starts to pile up and Rots..

So Thursday Morning I get up and take the GARBAGE the curb.. Things worth wile require effort..

The Mods and other members are here for support.. However .. If you want to get better.. You must read and do the WORK..

There is no Magic Pill

#2 Feb 3 - 1PM

neverlookback

Hunter and all

Last week many old members came back and shed lite on the healing process.. Funny how those posts get little activity. I am glad you posted this reminder that to get better and end the suffering and pain YA GOTTA DO THE WORK!!!! I posted a suggestion on helping with NC there should have been MANY MANY more responses - maybe what I offer is not the magic so many seek but a year back I know I was reading every single suggestion and/or opinion anyone had to offer me that would help me with NC. However, in my humble opinion and from what I went thru I remained stuck because I kept going over and over and over and over the same issues and facts until I realized hey these facts are not going to change and either is this person; what ever I am doing is not working and guess what I was doing? I was having contact. The key to recovering is Total NC and I cant stress this enough; its the same concept if you have a sore and you dont use the medicine the doctor gave you to make it better but you complain that the sore hurts - try using the medicine, give it time to heal it just might lessen the pain. Contact is the drug that makes us feel better, but only Temporarily better, because when it wares off and trust me it will ware off you are left almost waiting for that contact, waiting in anticipation maybe next time it will be better, or worse but we are willing to put up with the worst because the good contact makes us feel s o o o g o o d! Those that have made it to the other side; Hunter, Goldie, Scoop, Spinning, Used, Gravity,Sparrow, (and there are more forgive me if I dont remember, but I am only listing those that shared my recovery with me REALLY listen to them because we loved our x path with the same passion and hope that you did - we also thought we would "die" when we had to let them go, we were also betrayed and abused on the same level as you have been, we also were deeply and pathologically bonded to them, we also made excuses for them and for ourselves for staying. These women are a true inspiration in your recovery to know that if others before you didnt die with NC, you wont either, and I sooooooooooo understand that deep despair and know how almost impossible it may seem to have to literally start and rebuild your life all over again, saying goodbye to 5,10,15,20, years of the only life you have known; but what a painful way to live and you never deserved it for a second. Beautiful beautiful women destroyed by individuals who have such a dangerous disorder. Stop and think twice before you answer his attempts to contact you, stop and think twice before you want to call him - ask yourself what long term happiness is this going to bring me. I will say no more, you gotta do the work or your life will continue to be destroyed. x0

#3 Feb 5 - 10AM (Reply to #14)

Snowflake

Thank you

Its a huge comfort to me to read others experiences, sometimes when I feel low I come on here and read others positive stories and it just makes me feel better. It feels like a constant battle against that charasmatic fantasy in your head, I miss it sooo much, but it was never mine and I accept that. Each time I went back I was laughed at ridiculed even more to the point when I said goodbye because of this and that the time before last..he just replied what again..ok. Fully expecting me back. And this time, god I miss the texts, the talking, meeting etc but I hope to get better, for him to be like anyone of my other exes who I never think about x

#4 Feb 5 - 8AM (Reply to #13)

Hunter

Good Advice

Thank you

#5 Feb 3 - 1AM

LucyInthesky

I'm reading a lot and it's

I'm reading a lot and it's incredible how similar these guys are. One thing concerns me though. We are people that have been hurt by an N, sometimes repeatedly, so are our views tainted, albeit understandably? Would they act differently if with women who weren't so caring or can they reduce everyone to nervous wrecks given time? Another thing that worries me is in a Christian/ spiritual sense, can these Ns who are obviously highly disturbed, never find peace or salvation? I know i sound a little on the side of the N but I just want to make sure I have a rounded perspective.

#6 Feb 3 - 5AM (Reply to #8)

LucyInthesky

I suppose for some screwed up

I suppose for some screwed up reason I'd rather believe I was at fault and he was just misunderstood/unwell or whatever. It just seems crazy that people that seem so nice can be so nasty, I just can't get my head around it. Sometimes I think that an onlooker would look at him and think well he does what he likes and she accepts it, she's the mad one. And I guess they would be right which is what makes me think maybe I'm troubled not him. But then I think a nice person wouldn't want to do the things he's done so then I go back to thinking he's psycho again. My brain just can't process it all!

#7 Feb 3 - 8AM (Reply to #10)

Snowflake

Lucy

You dont necessarily need to label it..sure it helps because you can then understand. Lisas book..have you got it? Its pdf so you can keep it secret on your computer? In it she talks about how to recognise an N. Here is a test for psychopath(note an N is not necessarily a psycho but it may help): http://www.arkancide.com/psychopathy.htm A score of 26 or more is a psychopath. Mine scored 27 but two questions I could not answer. As for an N, Lisas books have the traits to recognise. But again answering one question, is his behaviour acceptable to you..should be enough to decide x

#8 Feb 22 - 4PM (Reply to #11)

Krooks

Thanks for this link. ...

Thanks for this link. ... Mine scored a 35 and I couldn't answer one question... extreme psychopath. Scary.

#9 Feb 3 - 6AM (Reply to #9)

midnight7

Dear LucyInthesky, Cognitive

Dear LucyInthesky, Cognitive dissonance = 'my brain just can't process it all'. See also Stockholm Syndrome, PTSD. He is a psychopath. Keep NC, keep reading - here/other N material, Sam Vaknin videos on youtube, keep gaining knowledge, come to the forum, compare your experiences, process, gain insight, have compassion for yourself, work on core issues that brought you to the relationship, move forward to freedom, and peace. Keep strong.

#10 Feb 3 - 3AM (Reply to #7)

Im_always_fine

The views of the women here

I haven't found the views of the women here "tainted". I find there is extraordinary clarity. These guys ARE all the same in various degrees. MOST of the women found this forum...seeking understanding of an N. The N COUNTS on your compassion for him...he banks on your rounded perspective...it's a mechanism that will KEEP you on his psychotic roller coaster. I'm a Christian(a bit of a problem child) but a Christian. GOD is not in the Narcissist nor the relationship with the N. It is EVIL that the N brought into my life. It's BLACKNESS that I catch out of the corner of my eye slithering around him. There is no sympathy for the devil. To me the parallels between the narcissist and the devil are eerie. Coming as an Angel of light..appearing so beautiful...but so full of lies and death. They kill, steal and destroy our peace...our joy...our love...our money...our health...our reputations...our very LIVES. DELIBERATELY with PREMEDITATION. I will forgive him. But for myself. So that I am not spiritually bound to him or another like him. I was praying about it all the yesterday and I felt God say to my heart," You have to forgive him. You don't have to like him" You shall know a tree by it's fruit.

#11 Feb 3 - 3AM (Reply to #6)

Snowflake

Lucy

They are brilliant at finding your niche. When I first met N/started talking I wasnt 'caring'. I think he saw me as a challenge. But very few women could keep that up unless you didnt like the N anyway in which case you wouldnt be wasting your time. Most women will start to care. I bet most of us on here would never in our wildest dreams thought we could be reduced the wrecks we were after being narced. As for peace/salvation I guess God is the only one that can answer that, I have my own beliefs on reincarnation and being tested to see if you learn life lessons. In order to be tested there have to be testers..which in my opinion are the Ns. But that I am sure is not everyones view.... What you need to do is stop concerning yourself with N and spend the time on you. Its your life, only you can make the decisions...is what the N did to you, the way he behaved acceptable? I suppose inevitably on a support site fo getting over an N you are going to encounter a slightly one sided approach, however thats because everyone on here has been emotionally abused sometimes physically too and so people will question why you want to be with someone who causes you pain x

#12 Feb 3 - 3AM (Reply to #5)

midnight7

Dear LucyInthesky - Our views

Dear LucyInthesky - Our views aren't tainted. If we've gained the knowledge, worked the tools available, and processed our experiences we are able to stand back and view all with a great deal of objectivity and move forward as whole human beings continuing with the work to keep gaining self-awareness and insight. Ns are chameleons/consummate actors - if they've decided they want you as supply - they present the perfect persona and test the waters. It really doesn't matter what 'type' of person you are. The xN I knew quite liked the feisty, independent, busy, no-nonsense types - they excited him - then he took great pleasure in destroying them until they were whimpering wrecks. I'm an atheist, the xN was an atheist - salvation is not an issue. As far as the xN was concerned - he was a God, an omnipotent/perfect being who blessed supply when they were behaving as he expected/deserved and who doled out regular punishment to those who transgressed his divine order which was everybody at some point. Ns never find peace they are are agitated every waking minute of the day desperately trying to secure supply, unable to be alone, punishing themselves, punishing others, bringing about their abandonment - it's an endless nightmare being a N - they are evil. They cannot and will not change.

#13 Feb 2 - 1PM

fallingfoward

information

Yes Hunter, I agree. This site has a wealth of information. I have just read through most of Lisa's and the mod blogs. I would recommend this to all the newbies, it has helped me greatly. Starting on Sam's videos, currently. I use the forum to vent when I feel I need to call him, and it has help me to stay Nc. I think unless you really do the work, it is easier to let the narc back in , or meet another one. I'm determine to do the work, for a better life. I wasn't able to get in this support group, but I hope to join the next one. Thank you, Mods, for all the posts and comments that you share with us, it is lifesaving.

#14 Feb 2 - 12PM

Snowflake

Thanks Hunter

Working through the Sam videos and also through the posts...on here A LOT..at the moment but this is how I choose to spend my time which used to be spent texting/speaking to N. Learning more and more every day and even 4 days in I can feel a little of the 'old me' coming back, its nice not to be put down everyday x

#15 Feb 2 - 12PM

Movingforwardnow

well said...as usual

Hard work is an understatement. All good things are the result of hard work. Put in the work and get the results. It's not easy and truthfully some days are absolute HELL...but for me each day of HELL is followed by a day of growth as long as I continue to put in the work. Anyways, that's just been my experience. Who am I? I was told I am crazy and worthless and insecure and a control freak and blah, blah, blah....I am learning that the complete opposite of all that gibberish is the real truth because I CHOOSE ME!

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