new here, in pain

I am new to the forum, but not the disorder, I have read enough material to qualify for a ph.d in narcissists/psychopaths.

I have been on this rollercoaster for 3 years. I need some support. I hope I will not be judged but I am going to be totally honest. I am a 42 year old woman who has been in an entanglement with a 23 year old for 3 years. I know what you are thinking.....some young guy saw this frumpy old women and was only using her for money, etc. Its not like that.

I am not trying to sound like I am some hot thing but i just wanted to convey that I am not some older desperate woman. I have always attracted younger men because I do NOT look my age at all. I do not have a wrinkle on my face and I am an attractive woman. Most people think I am in my younger 30's.

I met the N/P in a bar 3 years ago. I thought he was a nice guy, it took me a year to figure out that he wasnt. He was that good at hiding his true nature. We "dated". We went out once a week and had a good time. I knew he was seeing a bunch of other women but i thought i had it under control and that i could just have a good time without getting attached,....i rationalized that i could never want to get serious with someone so young.

Ha. I fell head over heels for this guy....he started the typical behaviors once he knew he "had' me. The ignoring, the silent treatment, just the general inconsiderate behavior. Then the D&D's started. I was crushed. i could not believe how I had been completely abandoned without warning. We would be seeing each other and then out of nowhere he would be gone, not respond to my texts at all...for months. Then he would come back around to lure me back....It was after the first Discard that he lost his job and became homeless (he was a loser, couldnt keep a job, etc). Well, I stepped in and offered to cosign for an apartment for him. This is when everything really went to crap. After he got back on his feet...he met some girl and moved her in! I heard he was very abusive to her through the grapevine. Everytime they would breakup, we would be together the same night. He always came to me when they broke up. Long story short....he ended up losing the apartment due to being on drugs and losing jobs, couldnt pay rent etc. He has now moved across the country to his mothers. I was absolutely devastated. Of course since he had no supply there, we have been very close, talking every day, blah blah....he got a job there 2 months ago and got his own apartment about a month ago. After he moved into his new place, I was basically discarded.....He had a place to bring women now, and money in his pocket for his precious alcohol and drugs, and these three things are all he needs to be totally content. I was so hurt that he talked to me everyday, telling me he loves me, wants me to come visit, and then bam. Hes gone.....not a word. It has been a month. I had started to get my mind right and accept that i have to move on, and then just as always, i heard from him friday night. He sent me a text to tell me that he was at a concert (of my favorite band by the way) and that he was thinking of me the whole time, and that he loved me. I just cried. This behavior is sadistic. I did not respond at first, and then yesterday i sent him a long email basically removing his mask and that i could not do this anymore. I dont know if i will hear from him again....if i do it will be a loooooong time. We have done this so many times....but there is this sick dynamic we have, it is almost like a mother/son thing....i know it is sick. but it is what keeps us bonded....i mother him. The thought of cutting all ties absolutely terrifies me. I dont understand it. He is so abusive....I did not go into all of it because it would be five pages long....but there is so much more to this. I am the only person he has ever had in his life that was a constant and that was there for him. He has had a messed up life and it plays a big part of why i always get sucked back in. Its not like i can see him anymore because he is not here, but to be honest i miss him. I want to see him. He knows he has me wrapped around his finger, he always has. I dont think he will even take my email seriously, it is one of a hundred that i have sent over the last 3 years. I just feel like I will never be able to totally let go. what is wrong with me? He is NOT a good person, so why do I want to stay connected? I cant get the images out of my mind, of the women i know he has now. it makes my stomach sick. please help.