New here, 2 weeks out, still a mess

I apologize for this being long, it's not even all of it. This is the first time I am telling this story to someone who can understand what I'm going through, I didn't even know till 2 days ago what I was dealing with till I was searching google and learned about shallow emotions.
A few months ago I ended a 9 year marriage. The last couple of years and especially the last one was hell. He was a drug and alchohol abuser and we were together since we were 21 and he kindof stayed that age after all these years. He wasn't a bad person, just depressed and troubled. I had to move back to my country, and I came back with almost nothing, feeling like a failure and the worst thing I was thirsty for love and affection. My ex withdrew from the relationship in the last year of our marriage, no sex, no affection, we didn't do anything together anymore. And then I met Mr. N on a website. He contacted me and told me he was going through pain himself, since he and his fiance seperated after 4.5 years. He said that he has been going through a process where he understood that he doesn't want to have children, she did, and eventually they broke off the engagment and he offered we do sort of a "support group" for each other.
So at first we would just talk on the phone, and I'd tell him about my ex and he tell me about his and his life in general.

I remember he told me that he has never been alone since he was 14, that he has always been in long commited relationships (from a year to 4.5 years). I was impressed by how serious he was, he said he doesn't play games and if he wants a girl, he shows it etc. I remember thinking it was kindof strange though, that he never took the time to mourn any of the relationships, but hey, I only knew the guy for a couple of days. Who am I to judge? Plus, this phone conversations really helped me stay sane. Much later on, I've learned that within those 4.5 years with his ex fiance there were also 2-3 small breaksup in which he also found himself in a new relationship, but he kept going back to her (or she to him. I don't know who broke up/asked to get back together).

Anyway, he told me that it's been around 4 months or so since his ex fiance and him broke up. He is still in pain, I felt so sorry for him and could identify with what he's going through. He would tell me that today she contacted him and he would be depressed and sad. Eventually I suggested he stops staying in contact with her if it makes him feel this way, and he took my advice and broke off the contact. I was surprised he hadn't done it before but flattered that he took me advice when he showed me the copy-pase of their conversation where he told her it's not good for him and he wants to break off contact.

He told me that he met another woman about a month after the relationship ended (I believe, like always, he started looking for someone right away) that he moved in with her after two weeks, that he had an insane crush, but after that he found out he wasn't inlove, and he told her and moved back home. I remember being surprised he moved on so quickly from the love of his life...4.5 years after all, engaged and everything, but then i thought maybe it was a rebound. Then I was surprised he moved in with her after 2 weeks, but he told me that he is just that serious, that she offered it (it was her apartment) and it has always been like that for him. He always moved in very quickly with his partners, since he doesnt see the point of wasting time. I was like "wow, what a serious man". When I asked him why he left her, he said she turned him off cause she was a push-over and when I asked what does that mean he told me about her ex husband and how he emotionally abused her, and how she can't stand up to authority figures like her boss and ask to leave 30min earlier today and stuff like that. I was kindof put back by his total lack of empathy, I am an insanly sensetive person, and I remember trying to talk to him about him being very judgmental towards her and that no one just gets up after 10 years of marriage, especially if it's abusive etc. But he didn't really seem to get it, and kept saying it was other stuff too. I let it be.

For the first month we talked every day on the phone or chatted, but I wasn't ready to meet him yet cause I had my own issues going back home. But it was good to have him since I had no social life and no one to talk to. Here and there he'd be still upset after a random contact from his ex fiance (like having to go take his stuff from their apartment etc) and I would talk him through it. We eventually met, and this is something I forgot only until after he left me, I remember I was really impressed by how intelligent he is, but at the same time taken aback by how insensetive he can be when talking about other people. He was very nice TO ME, but very contemptful when talking about other people's emotions /relationships. One sentence that he kept saying during all the time i knew him was that "he would never stay in that situation" - refering to all kinds of relationship troubles we heared about - for example, his best friend of 20 years was with a girl for 2 years that could not have intercourse. he loved her and wanted to marry her, Mr. N was always saying he would never stay in that situation, he'd tell me that about my ex husband "i don't understand how you put up with this and that", he'd see a show on TV about some sort of relationship and again "pfff, i would get up and leave".
I remember I used to look at him and tell him "Dude, people don't just get up and leave, they work stuff out, they love each other". So then he'd change and say yea ofcourse, and he'd tell me about him and his ex fiance, how she'd suffocate him, that he wasn't allowed to be on the computer for more than 1 hour a day, that she had no life besides him. And he went to counseling with her, and the counselor said she is demanding too much and he was really smug and amused to tell me how he was always right (that was another thing for him, he is always right and he always has "to win". my friends were shocked how a stubborn woman like me became so submissive when it came to arguments, I always let him say the last word. I thought I was "growing" as a person and that it's ok cause it makes him feel good).
I was very impressed about how he tolerated all those things with her, and was like "wow, he really puts an effort into a relationship". I never noticed he NEVER talked about himself, only what she did (and that was the case when he talked about all his exs - I know alot about what they did to him, I know nothing about how he was).

Anyways, we were friends for 2 months. Nothing more. He told me he's moved back in with that woman that he never fell inlove with after she asked him to move back in. I was in shock. I asked him if he thinks it's morally ok to move back in with her when he knows she has feelings for him. He said she's a grown woman, she knows that he has no feelings for her, that he never deluded her and she told him that the pluses from living with him outwiegh the minuses and he said "it's not such a bad deal for her too, trust me, she's enjoying herself as well". She's a 32 y/o lawyer, she seemed like a really nice and smart person, who am I to decide for her anything? I guess that's ok.

During that time he kept sending me signals that he wants us to be together, he'd compliment me to no end. We had this tension between us and I started retionalizing every single bad feeling I had about him. i told myself that I was being too judmental. I don't even remember what I told myself about him and his ex fiance, I just remember confronting him about this once and telling him maybe he should take time alone to mourn her before he moves on. This is what he answered "I don't see the point of putting my life on hold. that relationship is over and I feel ready to move on. I feel bad when I'm alone, I am great when in a relationship, and I don't see a point to being unhappy for no reason". It's not an exact quote but it's pretty close to that. So I took his word.

After my divorce was finalized I asked him what's going on between us, he said he wants to be with me, but he is too moral to cheat on the current woman he is living with, even though they are not a couple per-se adn asked me to wait until he moves in his new apartment (in a month). I tolerated this situation for less than 2 weeks and then I told him it's too much for me, and either he ends it or I move on.

He totally freaked out and said that I was so important to him and he would do whatever it takes not to lose me. He went over there and broke it off with her.
So since he had about a month till he could move in to his new apartment, eventually he just kinda moved in with me.
It was paradise. It has been years since I got so much affection, he couldn't stop huggin me, kissing me, told me he has never felt so good in a long long time, that he never imagined he could feel so good, that I am amazing. All the shit I brought from my previous relationship like feeling ugly and rejected flew out the window, he adored my body, told me he is crazy about my scent. He worhsipped me. I thought I died and gone to heaven. After about 2 weeks or so, he told me he loved me. His body was actually shaking when he said that and I was so touched and over the moon. I thought I was the luckiest girl alive. The sex was amazing (not that it was hard to impress me, I hadn't had sex in almost 1.5 years), but he put so much effort...at the same time he definitely made me work for it. He was very high maintanence in that regard.

Then slowly came the disagreements, he'd call them fights which I found weird because we didn't shout or became volatile, we talked about it. But obviously the conversations were charged and emotional. I remember he kept saying all the right stuff at the begining "I want you to tell me everything, don't keep it inside, we need to talk about stuff, work on it", but every time I did he just didn't get what I want. He was trully baffled and confused. I always felt irrational, crazy, that I was blowing stuff out of porportion. And so it came to be that I ended up feeling sorry for ever getting into it, for being such a drama queen, thanking god that he puts up with me emotional craziness. Every single time ended with me feeling "damn, why do I behave like this? I drove the poor man crazy".

He kept telling me stuff like "you're too sensetive" and "stop getting insulted from every little thing". And I admired how he can stay so calm and collected while I was being such a nag that couldn't just bounce back. He got tired of my emotional behaviour, that I kept needing him to reassure me. After he moved in with his best friend he asked me to move in with him as well, by that time I was hooked. I started looking for someone to replace me in my apartment and moved in with him. I remember 2 weeks into living with him there, that I noticed that the mornings are not what they used to be. It was very subtle, but it seemed odd to me after only 1.5 months that it would be this way. He'd wake up, tell me he loves me and then just...ignore me. Go about his business, take his dog for a walk (unless I was supposed to do that...I was expected right from the begining to take care of his dog and walk her whenever needed), take a shower, give me a peck and go to work. During the first month he would talk to me almost every day all day via chat (he's a programmer therfor he's always near a computer) and send me funny stuff to my email. This was also gone. I would normally not hear from him anymore, perhaps unless I sent an email or if there was something to discuss (like asking me to walk the dog cause he's gonna be late or wash the dishes). So that day I sat down with him, I pointed this stuff out and told him I needed more hugs and affection in the morning. He said "If you want a hug, then hug me". This is something he ALWAYS did, every time I asked for something, he'd turn it around and tell me "then why don't you do it?". And I ended up apologizing for the stuff I don't do, when I was trying to talk about what I needed from him. Anyway, at that conversation I finally caught myself and said "listen, every time I ask for something, you always say what I never do, can we talk about what *I* need for a sec?"
So at first he argued again with the "you don't do this and don't do that" so I told him "you're doing it again, you're not listening to me, I keep hearing what I need to do" so he said fine..what do you wanna say? I told him "look, this morning you got up, kindof ignored me (well, he did say good morning i think), took the dog out, went to take a showe, I even joined you in the shower like you told me [a note - in the first month he wouldnt take a shower without me, he always wanted me with him. Then when it stopped and I asked him about it, i got the regular "if you want to, then you do it"] and even then you seemed uninterested, you didnt' even touch me the whole time, you seemed distant". During this part my volume was a bit higher, but I swear, It wasn't even CLOSE to shouting, it went from quiet conversing to a bit more emotional. So he said "sshh..lower your voice, don't esclate this to a fight". I was hurt, but I kept quiet not to get into a fight about this too. Then he said "well, listen, in the morning i'm work oriented, what can i tell ya? I have no time. And it's true I don't talk to you from work anymore, but I've just been super busy". I told him it takes 2 seconds to give a hug. so he said "That's true", and I said "I don't understand how 2 weeks, when we're still supposed to be in that phase where we can't get enough of each other, and it's like we've been together for 3 years..." so he answered "Listen, Im fine with the way things are, but ok. I will take it under consideration". *silence*

I felt weird, like i was his office manager at work that was giving him notes about a project. I wanted him to hug me, to tell me he loves me and I have nothing to worry about.... I told him I don't feel reassured, so he suddenly jumped out of bed, took his towel and was about to leave the room. I was shocked and startled by this sudden reaction. I asked where was he going? He said "I'm emotinally exhusted, I'm going to take a bath". I said "from what?? we've been talking for less than 15min". I was really confused, what have I done to him? So he said "I'm frustrated! you told me you want this and that, I said OK, but you didn't even give me a chance to prove it and now you say you don't feel reassured. you're saying Im not enough for you!"
And my jaw dropped, I was like "omg, no, baby, I just needed a hug from you and stuff. come back to bed. I never meant you wern't enough for me, how can I be mad at something that hasn't even happened yet". So he came back, gave me a hug and I told him "I just wanted you to hug me and tell me you love me and all", so he said "well, I can't say it now, cause then you'll think I'm saying it cause you said it" and then said he still feels exhusted and he'll go take a bath. I felt so bad, how I hurt his feelings and stuff. And I explained to myself that the emotionally exhusted part came from him thinking I'm saying he's not good enough. Poor baby. I felt like shit after that. There I go again, making simple stuff become drama and he has to put up with it.

Another instance we had a long emotional talk about moving in together, and after that he told me that there is something else that bothers him. I said what? He said, you never make the first move after we fight, I am the one who always have to hug you, In the past 10 fights it's been like that. And I was like "huh? what 10 fights? we barely had 2 arugments, it's like you define everything that is not fun as a fight". so he said it wasn't the point. I told him "listen, I know I have a problem with this, it's something Im working on. I wanna explain this to you", and then I told him something only maybe 2-3 people in the world know about me.
I told him about my mother never huggin me or telling me she loved me as a child, I told him that my first memories of my mother was me trying to hug her and she was pushing me away. I told him really deep emotional stuff and how I have this deep rooted fear of someone being angry with me and rejecting my love. And I said "I am working on it, but you know that once you hug me I wrap myself around you, that I need you, I will never reject your hug. Its' something that will get better as we will be together longer and I'll feel more safe. I just really need you right now".
So he listened and then said "Ok, that's fine, but I still need you to hug me, I have feelings too and I need hugs too".
I asked him "did you just hear what I've told you?", he said "yes, well, if it will help you out, then we can decide to take turns... and now it's your turn". and that was it.
He just laid in bed, with his arms behind his head. All I could think about for the next 5-10 minutes was how unconsiderate I was. It's true, he has feelings too, it wasn't fair of me to behave this way. Again I was all "poor baby" and stuff. I have no idea where I brought the strength to eventually turn around and hug him, it was fightning against every emotional issue i had since i was kid. I was shaking and trembling when I hugged him but was happy I did it and was able to take care of his needs. So he hugs me back and says "well, its not enough", and I said "what? what else could you want?". I was at the point of emotional breakdown. He said "when I do the first step after a fight I say I love you, and I kiss you and I make you laugh until you melt". So I kissed him and told him I loved him, and he said "well, its fine for now. I hope next time you'll be able to do more. lets go to sleep and i'll be alright in the morning". And all I could feel at that point is how lucky I am to have him. How understanding he is...

Thanks for sticking this long, I'm getting to the end now. I obviously skipped alot of stuff, and I didn't mention how wonderful it was, when it was wonderful (as long as I wasn't brining the mood down with my awful emotional outbursts).

We had an amazing weekend, we went to visit his folks, we made plans etc. He didn't stop telling me how much he loves me, jumping me with hugs and saying how lucky he is for having me.
Saturday night he told me he has to call his ex (remember her? the one he never really got over? the one that I supported him when he was going through all that stuff when we were still just friends?) because he wants to see if she wants his dog. This is a dog she gave him as a puppy when they were together, she never wanted the dog and when they broke up she told him to take the dog with him.
I told him I don't think it's a good idea, that he knows she won't take the dog, and it's putting us in a very uncomforable position.So he said "worst case scenario, ill be upset after the conversation, ill get over it. it has nothing to do with you". I was like "huh? how can you say that? it has everything to do with me! Im your partner". Again it was like "how can he not get this? am I being irrational again?". He always seemed to sure of himself, a rock! So I always doubted myself. The conversation changed due to something else, not important, so about 20min later we were laying in bed, he was hugging me and being all sweet and he saw I was quiet and withdrawn. He asked what's wrong, I told him I am thinking about this whole deal with his ex. So another argument arose, again, no shouting or anything, just quietly talking about this, and eventually I told him "it's like you don't care how I feel, then why did you even bring it up? If you're gonna do what you wanna do no matter what". So he said "ok, if you wanna put it this way? fine, Im not asking for your permission, you asked me share stuff with you, so here. Im sharing. But Im gonna do whatever I need to do, and if it seemed like i was asking for permission then you are wrong". I told him I don't think he understand the difference between informing and sharing decisions. He said I am too sensetive and I have to stop making everything into such a big deal. That it has nothing to do with me, and I can't keep reacting this way all the time. I was hoping he'd offer ANY sort of compromise so that I feel better about this, but he was just like a brick wall. The he said "frankly, I am very very disppointed and angry about the way your'e reacting. I really thought you of all people would be more understanding". Man, I felt horrible. I felt like the worst person in the world. When I asked why didn't he offer anything to show me my feelings count? (like sending her an email instead, or inviting me to be present in that phone call...whatever). He said "you have unrealistic expectations, if you want something like that ask, and I'll see if I can accept. But I don't do things like that". I was starting to think how am I going to apologize for being so misunderstanding and selfish, but at the same time it felt so unfair. I went to the bathroom and came back and made the mistake of sitting on my PC and not teruning to bed, so he got up angrily, took his towel and went to take a bath (Its something he does all the time. he locks himself in the bath for an hour when he's upset. says it relaxes him). he was gone for 2 hours (yes, I swear, 2 hours in the bath). By that time I was beside myself, I was crying, I was freaking out and was feeling hurt and abandoned. Man, writing this down and re-living all of this again ain't a picnic.

After 2 hours he came out, took a book and went to bed. He didn't say a word to me, he didn't talk to me, he didn't even look at me. Nothing. He heared me crying, nothing. Cold as ice.
I felt like im dying inside, what have I done?
To sum up, the following morning he said it's over and I spent 2 hours begging him and trying to reason with him in any way I could think of, that I don't understand how he could just leave something so good just like that. No working on it, no trying to fix it, nothing. It's like one moment "i love you" and the next out you go.

I tried to reason with him, to appeal to emotions, to remind him of all the wonderful stuff we had. I just couldn't believe that it suddenly had no meaning! Nothing. He just wouldnt hear of it. He said "I can't see past this, I can't handle your emotions, you're too emotional, you get insulted from everything. it won't work out". I promised to change (to which he said he doesn't think the change would be sufficient), that we can do this, that we loved each other. Man, I grovled like a desperate woman. I was sure if I just say the right thing he would snap out of it. It didn't make sense! he just kept saying "Sorry, but I can't".

At that very same day he brought back all of my stuff back to my apt which I was still lucky to have, and I was in a state of shock.
It was like just literally! yesterday I was the love of his life, he talked about marrying me, told me I was the best thing that ever happened to him. And today I am back at my apt and that's it.
I was tormented in a way that even after having a marriage end I didn't think possible. I couldn't believe this is happening. surely he will miss me, surely a man that loves me that much couldn't really possibly leave me like this. Without a chance, without trying to work it out?
For the first 5 days I couldn't eat. I am not joking, I did not eat A THING for 5 days. I used valium to be able to sleep, but after that ran out, I couldn't sleep anymore either. I felt like i destoryed the best thing I ever had, and I lost my best chance of love and the most amazing man I had. Why did I do this? Why was I like that? If only I didn't do this or say that. Why am I so god damn emotional?! I scared him away.... I just couldn't stop beating myself up.
After 5 days I started eating small things like a cucumber here and a yogurt there just to be able to walk and stuff.

Here I am, 2.5 weeks later. I just found out that 2-3 days after he dumped me he started seeing someone else, and again now he's in a serious relationship. Every progress I thought I made thus far went out the window. I am an emotional wreck. I can't believe he's really with someone else again. He told me he loves me! And how is he able to keep finding someone? I mean, it's like he is able to be inlove with almost any girl alive. All the hopes I had that he will want me back were shattered. I am unable to even get mad, all I can remember are the good parts, It's been almost 3 weeks and I hardly eat, I can't sleep and I dream about him (and now him with her) all the time. I am afraid of running into them and it will break my heart. It's like I have something squeezing my heart all day and all night. Every morning I wake with a feeling of a horrible loss, I throwup, I feel sick.
I have NEVER been this way with anyone, I feel almost obssesive, and that's SO NOT who I am. He did something to me, that I can't explain and don't know how to fight against.
My friends are sick and tired of hearing about him, so I'm mostly alone in this. I don't know what to do.

Thank you so much for reading my story. I look forward to your advice.