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#1 Sep 13 - 11PM

ellef1004

New here

Ive been in therapy since me and my ex broke up and told my therapist all the things going on and she said he sounds like hes a N . Im just not really sure i guess im still in denial and somehow find a way to blame myself and cover for him (which i always do.)
i just want to know if anyone else noticed any of this with their N there were so many weird things that hes done that made me scratch my head, and possibly why he does these things.

- from day one just had an off feeling , thought possibly gay.
-took him 6 months before hed even kiss me
- he treated me like a child, like i was an actual baby would talk to me like im a baby, cut my food, carry me around. Fix my hair and make sure i looked perfect before we went out.
- hed get mad if his friends liked me when we met, or if they would call me and not him.
- seemed completely obsessed with me (hed take off and leave me multiple times but always come back) but then one day vanished and had a new woman and never looked back.
-he told everyone how happy he is with me and how good i am to him so that when i told them he left me they felt sorry for him
- jumps from friends to friends, never stays in one place
-obsessed with looking cool and not looking "gay"
- tried to make me feel sorry for him when he left me he told me because he was "mentally ill" and needed help (when really he was cheating the whole time and left me for her)
- didnt ever want me to meet his friends kept me very secluded , kept me from learning about his past from his family
-told me his whole family, and friends were crazy dont listen to anything they tell me
- told me he didnt have thoughts..when i tried to tell him what it was he was like..."like the guy from scrubs?"
- hides his new woman from me has no pictures of her on his facebook and when i found out i asked him he said she dumped him, which is a lie.he wants me to think he doesnt have anyone new
- he talks to me like im a princess then goes behind my back and talks down about me and says im clingy and too ugly for him
- he would disappear every weekend and would always have some good reason
- he tells everyone were still hanging out and talking when he left me 10 months ago
- every other week has a new hobby, doesnt follow through with anything ever
-told me he has no dreams or goals in life
-his entire past i found out was a lie
- would say weird quotes all the time such as "im a wolf in sheeps clothing", or that hes "impervious to psychoanalysis"
- told me hes in a higher class then me when it comes to looks (yes hes gorgeous he gets told he can be a model all the time , but im definetly not ugly like he says)
-he told me he wont go places with me because hes afraid ill be bad at something and embarass him in public such as mini golf, yoga class.

theres so many more and sorry this is long but im just curious if theres other people out there that act like this because i feel so alone

#2 Sep 14 - 2AM

Journey

Welcome Elle!

Yes, your list does point to traits of an N and a psychopath. Your feelings right now are very similar to the way most of us have felt because of having been in a relationship with a disordered individual. The only way to figure out why he does these things is to get yourself well educated about why Narcs and psychopaths do what they do - therein you will begin to understand the motives behind the disordered and strange behavior. It's mostly for control, to hide that they don't empathize and to project blame outward so they can continue to use others for supply and whatever else they get from us (shelter, sex, money, love, attention, connections with people that can help them in their career etc). Even though it feels like all of it is, very little is actually personal. They see us as objects for their own pleasure and use and create the same dynamic with all their intimate relationships. We all end up doubting ourselves at first because they blame us for so much with their emotional abuse that we take it on, even long after they've discarded us. You don't need to make excuses for him any longer. His behavior is NOT normal, regardless. Rest assured that you could not have done anything that would have made his behavior normal - it just can't be done with a PDI. Be glad you got away, even though it has been extremely painful... now is the time to move forward with new knowledge and acceptance to help you heal. Keep reading about all the N and P traits and the similarities of all our stories. You will see that you really are not alone in your recovery. (hugs)!

Journey on...

#3 Sep 14 - 1AM

greengirl91

Your post screams NARC!

Your post screams NARC! Read, read and again read as much as you can..and welcome here :-) though most of us come in a deeply hurtful, struggle moment, this is a point where the word "hope" gets a new meaning. Hope for you as an individual, no more hope for fantasy relationship. You`ve come to the right place.

#4 Sep 14 - 12AM

ellef1004

thank you all ! its crazy how

thank you all ! its crazy how many people have been through this. im praying for you all . i went to therapy thinking it was me..he set me up to where i completely felt like i was the one with the problem. im slowly starting to realize this must really be part of how they are , to make us doubt ourselves so that we need them more..its been 4 years so far and im hoping i can find myself again

#5 Sep 14 - 5PM (Reply to #8)

into the light

Welcome! He's textbook!

#6 Sep 14 - 1AM (Reply to #7)

Caligirl

Elle, thanks for your prayers and likewise.

You're welcome. Yeh, N's project (projection) to make you feel like you're the one who has a problem. Whatever they call you is really about them, like "crazy" or "liar." Mine did that too! You'll get yourself back, it'll just take time, be patient. They say 18 months. I'm 5 mos out, and I'm just beginning to feel like myself a bit. I'm getting my sense of humor back and confidence. It's good you're in therapy too. I couldn't afford to go. Feel free to ask anything. There are some really knowledgeable people here and very kind and wonderful too. It does help after what our N's put us through!

#7 Sep 14 - 12AM

Caligirl

Hi and welcome!

Sorry you're feeling alone. You're not though. Yep, your ex sounds like a N. Some of those things were like my exN, but of course some things are different bc we have different stories, different r/s's and different people. N's are very contradictory and they say strange phrases, a lot of stuff they copy. Mine tried to use a line from a movie to break up with me and thought it was funny. Mine also treated me like a little girl sometimes. They're master manipulators. Mine also tried to keep his past hidden. Liked to move around a lot, and always doing something. One moment you're great and you're on a pedestal, the next you're nothing for no apparent reason. They'll discard you like trash and do so without an ounce of feeling. They lie, lie, and lie, even for no apparent reason. They like to play headgames. Mine was competitive with me. God forbid if someone gave me a compliment or liked me better. Stay here and keep on reading. You'll see the similarities. Sorry you ran across a N. These people are bad news. :(

#8 Sep 13 - 11PM

WakingUP (not verified)

Welcome Elle -

Reading your list, I certainly saw all the red flags a-wavin'! While not everything on your list was something I'd heard before, a lot of it was. I've found myself reading everything I can find about NPD. At first sometimes the descriptions were so spot on, I kept expecting to see a picture of my N in the article I was reading. and the more you are on this forum, the more you'll see how many of us see the same patterns and behaviors... more than one person has asked me if we knew the same narc. That "off feeling" was your gut trying to tell you something. I know for me, when I ignored my gut, it usually spelled trouble later. From your list I see issues with jealousy, control, "poor me" stories, isolation, honesty, fidelity, and chaos, just to name a few that are very familiar.

#9 Sep 14 - 12AM (Reply to #2)

Caligirl

WakingUp

I think you meant "dishonesty" and "infidelity." I gotcha though. Yes, mine also used the "poor me." In the end, I saw straight through that one!

#10 Sep 14 - 12AM (Reply to #3)

WakingUP (not verified)

Okay Caligirl - you're officially hired as my editor.

:o) I was stringing together a whole list of things that a narc typically has issues with: honesty and fidelity are included. But I agree, my grammar was wonky. (and I'm usually a grammar nerd.) So thank you for helping to clarify.

#11 Sep 14 - 1AM (Reply to #4)

Caligirl

WakingUp, oh I see what you mean about N "issues."

When they're in a long list though and I was thinking N things, and then read honesty and fidelity, it jumped out at me...and was like whoa...gave me cog diss. JK. You're welcome though! :)

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