New girlfriend

33 posts / 0 new
Last post
#1 Aug 5 - 9AM
tigger73
tigger73's picture

New girlfriend

Well, my ex NH who was grilling steaks for his new girlfriend last week, the night of our divorce hearing, has already broke up with her. They were seeing each other before the kids and I moved from the home. So, this is just the start of his cycle isn't it? He told me this info that he broke it off with her, and I simply said, for you to think I give 2 shits about your new lovelife means that you think you still have control over me, which you do not so please do not share anymore info with me. (even though I was DEVASTATED, naturally) The funny thing is that I remember him saying once that a lot of his girlfriends were just too clingy, and that he respected someone that stood her ground, which was always me, so is this an example of a narc behavior and their pathology, they WANT the attention and affection, but cannot take it or accept it and it turns them off?????? This is one aspect of their disease that I don't fully understand.

Aug 7 - 5PM
agnesmurphy17
agnesmurphy17's picture

Push Me Pull You

"they WANT the attention and affection, but cannot take it or accept it and it turns them off??????" This is because the most intimate relationship brings the most pleasure & security. But also the most pain because one is so vulnerable. Think of an abused child. The parent is the greatest source of security. The parent is the greatest source of pain. The child must reconcile both states of pleasure & pain. That's life. In adult life, the dynamic is recreated in the intimate relationship. It's all they know of family life. You can never make them feel safe & secure. It's the cycle of abuse which they want. They want the cycling. It's their normal.
Aug 7 - 5PM (Reply to #26)
Susan32
Susan32's picture

Biting the hand that feeds

I agree, with abused people, there is the danger that the cycle of abuse will continue. But then, are there Ns/Ps who WEREN'T abused as children? The usual definition is that sociopaths result from abuse, while psychopaths are inherently wired that way. My ex-P took pleasure in the fact that his name is Hebrew for "rabid dog." When a dog suffers from rabies, it's known to attack its caretakers. It sees foe and friend alike. A rabid dog knows only attack--because the disease has ravaged its brain that badly. That's what I found so crazy about my ex-P. He longed for admiration, to be idolized, he craved it like a druggie wants a fix (and having a steady stream of students is a bigger guarantee than bars or dating sites)... yet when he actually got it, he was outraged. He couldn't stand it that he wasn't a famous, admired professor/philosopher like his father... and behaves in such a way that he's not... and thus always "poor me."
Aug 8 - 6AM (Reply to #27)
agnesmurphy17
agnesmurphy17's picture

Reasons

I read a lot about this. Nobody really knows what causes a personality disorder. Part genetic & part environmental. Researchers notice that personality disorders run in families making the personality disorder both nature & nurture. I believe my N/P -- his father was one too. What I learned in my case, having met the woman who followed me, and to hear the lies he told her about events I witnessed & lived through. What I learned is to believe nothing a N/P says about his past, his people or his prior experiences. Everything is a manufactured mythology. Truth is the exception. I'm not kidding. Mine said his parents were very happy. One would imagine a rather perfect childhood. The usual ups & downs. A few traumatic moments. I think the truth was quite different. Many abusive men report uneventful & "normal" childhoods when they are in court mandated programs. Part of the manufactured mythology.
Aug 8 - 7AM (Reply to #28)
Susan32
Susan32's picture

The mythology

My ex-P mentioned said that his lack of emotions terrified his parents so much they put him in a mental hospital as a child. It's so strange it couldn't be a lie. Going to an insane asylum usually isn't part of the "happy childhood" mythos. He got his grandmother arrested for marijuana possession (he framed her, I'm sure) Early on in the "relationship",he made pretty clear he was the Problem Child, the Bad Boy. He didn't paint it as perfect... in the beginning. It's how Ns/Ps engage in lots of disclosure early on... then they make dishonesty the rule later on.
Aug 8 - 4PM (Reply to #29)
better off
better off's picture

Sounds like The Bad Seed.

Sounds like The Bad Seed. Ever see that movie?
Aug 8 - 7PM (Reply to #31)
almostlydia
almostlydia's picture

I was thinking exactly that

I was thinking exactly that but couldn't remember the name of the movie only the horror for the other kid. Framed his grandmother! geesh that's got to be Bad Seed. Thank God you got away from that.

almostlydia

Aug 8 - 7PM (Reply to #32)
Susan32
Susan32's picture

D&D, the gift that keeps on giving...

I know that sounds ironic. As one of my friends said, he rejected me because I was too "healthy." In a sense, it's like when the body flushes itself of viruses. He framed his grandmother... and he did the same thing to me after I went NC. When I went into the teacher education program, he had done a personal reccomendation for me (before the NC, of course)... and then sabotaged it by accusing me of being "dangerous to children." THAT was shocking. I had left him alone... given him distance... he wanted me to fail, and used the most scurrilous allegation. I don't go around sabotaging the careers of people who've romantically rejected me. It's not normal. It's not ADULT. So, the very same man who accused me of being a danger to children... is now a father, and still teaching. Ugh. Happy coda: I went to Oregon, taught there, and was successful. I was mainly assigned the autistic student. The autistic boy reminded me of my ex-P in many ways (and neurologically, they're similar).. but lacked the utter malice. The autistic boy wasn't the Bad Seed. Just very much into dinosaurs and little rituals.
Aug 8 - 7PM (Reply to #30)
Susan32
Susan32's picture

The poor parents

I'm glad I didn't end up as the Bad Seed's wife. He talked about how he drove his grandmother crazy, and attributed to her actions he probably did (planting marijuana seeds in the community garden, bringing home radioactive rocks from a mine in Idaho) The D&D was a MAJOR favor... and the fact that I didn't get the Bad Seed's seed during sex! He and I never jumped into bed, thanks be to God!
Aug 5 - 11PM
almostlydia
almostlydia's picture

It's always quite possible

It's always quite possible that she kicked his ass out. Must't rule that out.

almostlydia

Aug 5 - 12PM
Steph
Steph's picture

good for you for telling him

good for you for telling him you don't give two shits about his life! that is awesome!
Aug 5 - 12PM
azucar
azucar's picture

its the cycle, you see it if you watch for just a little while

tigger73, He always has to have someone lined up before the 1st relationship is over. If the new supply is not as powerful/fullfilling as the orginial one, you, once was, he'll dangle the possibility of coming back in front of you to see if you'll jump. and you didnt! good for you!! so whats next? He'll prolly try to get back with the other woman, (if he ever really completely broke it off with her in the first place), or he already has yet another new source of supply. What will rarely happen is "Gee I need to figure out whats going on with me and not date for a while and stop using women" they enjoy the thrill of the chase, and the fact that you, the wife and mother of his children doesnt give a @#$@ (at least you let him think that :)) is astounding and almost unbearble to him! I few days ago I posted the shock I felt about dicsovering that my X-N had hooked on to his new GF for supply while we were still together (maybe not physical cheating because she lived in another city but innapropriate emails, IMs). Just to show you how twisted the decision process is: He told my friend that he wrote me an 11 page letter to explain why he dumped me and to try to make ammends. In the same heart beat, he decided to be mature (I've hurt her enough- the maryr) and decided, I wont send her the letter, I will make this new girl my GF instead. I will start fresh" Again, can't possible be alone, take a real time out. The real reason, by the way, that he didnt send that letter? I have been really good at maintaining NC so he knows I'm ignoring him. Anyway, my girlfriend who was pretty disgusted said to him, good thing you didnt send it, she would not have read it anyway. Apparently the shocked look on his face was almost comical. I would ignore him after he would do all that work?! Then he threw out "I have so much fun with this new girl, but some days I wonder why I didn't marry ******* (me). I feel like a child." Can you imagine? How can you talk about marriage to one woman, and how much fun another one is in the same sentence? How long before he breaks this girl too? Anyhow, it does hurt to hear these things, unfortunately NC is not completley possible for you because of the children. My heart goes out to you, but just always remember what he is. There will be more women. He'll always come back to check, just to see if you are still vulnerable to him. good luck
Aug 5 - 10AM
helldweller
helldweller's picture

Tigger73

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Awesome!
Aug 5 - 10AM
NoNarcingZone
NoNarcingZone's picture

We luv them - They luv us not!

...and you won't - for we are normal. Ns love to watch you adore them & then reciprocate w/rejection. They're repulsed by your affection. In the beginning, my N/SH sent me an email out of the blue asking what an intelligent, strong & classy woman, could possibly want w/somebody like him. (RED FLAG!) He went on about me having any well established man I want & how it's unfair of him to bring me into a life of turmoil - like his (cue the violins). WTH? He was giving me an out...and I didn't take it. Damn. In point, yes, they want the adoration, but by the same token are completely repulsed by it. In their eyes, it's as if loving them makes you weak. Weak is something I am not. Once I realized the pull/push game I was in, I became the Ice Princess. Who wants a relationship built on constant games & lies? Not I, said the cat! You told him right Tigger - who gives 2 shits?!?!

-------------------------------------------
"Soldier, don't confuse your rank with MY authority!"

Aug 8 - 4AM (Reply to #16)
imabloke
imabloke's picture

LMFAO...

We luv them - They luv us not! LOL Had to reply to that one you - are so right, this push pull crap - is just the pits.. why did i put up with it? What is it. I/we must have been brain washed or something.
Aug 8 - 7PM (Reply to #20)
almostlydia
almostlydia's picture

Something like that, yes.

Something like that, yes.

almostlydia

Aug 8 - 6PM (Reply to #17)
tigger73
tigger73's picture

that's funny that you said

that's funny that you said that....'why did I put up with that'..... that is an overwhelming thought that keeps running thru my mind. What the hell was I thinking? I don't know. He is such an unhealthy person, it makes my squirm to think how bad the relationship was. So toxic, and I had to do so much pretending. I am free now, but still in his mental grip. I look forward to the day that goes away....
Aug 18 - 9PM (Reply to #18)
Playedwithfire
Playedwithfire's picture

im so there!

Playedwithfire Im at week 2 with NC from my stbxh, but for some strange reason I long to get a text or something from him. And worse, it wont be anything about me, it will be something only that will benefit him regarding the kids somehow. It's been almost 3 months since he's been gone(with new gf too) I too wish this would go away.

Playedwithfire

Aug 18 - 11PM (Reply to #19)
almostlydia
almostlydia's picture

There is nothing strange

There is nothing strange about it, you're just wishing you were wrong about all of this and he really loved you and would act that way. The key word here is 'act'. They can talk the talk all day long but their actions never add up. 2 wks is still very hard. There is no sugar coating, if you have been reading here, it is just damn hard. It has been the most challenging painful thing I have ever dealt with and I am 51 and, after the day I had today, very capable of the roughest challenges. This however has truly kicked my butt. Hang in there. The most fortunate thing for you is to have found this place for help, for information, and most of all for validation and support. It is with sheer determination to save ourselves that we come here and we try, try, and try again until we are free. I was thinking earlier today how this group of friends, including myself, having seen so much sadness, is really going to know happy when it comes:) almostlydia

almostlydia

Aug 7 - 6PM (Reply to #14)
loveofmylife
loveofmylife's picture

hmmmmm same red flags

Mine told me "i can't believe that YOU of all people is interested in me. To me that is just amazing. I grew up in an ego-less environment and for you to say your interested in me just makes me smile!" He loved me telling him all about my feelings....he had the biggest smile on his face all the time. And then he loved to turn around and reject me! It gave him so much power! And he also told me that he was VERY attracted to my independence; that his xwife "wanted someone to take care of her" and somehow that was a problem. I'm sure she started out indendent too - she is a very, very successful, strong woman...but they break you down with their emotional abuse and emotional conning to where you do become dependent. And he told me many times that I really wouldn't want him, because he had become "surly".... and of course I thought he was being his normal self-effacing self. But man, they do give you clues that you don't figure out until they have destroyed you emotionally. Doesn't that push/pull game just SUCK!
Aug 7 - 6PM (Reply to #15)
Susan32
Susan32's picture

The fake self-effacement

My ex-P pulled the fake humility as well. He had said he'd hurt a lot of people, that he was considered mean, that he'd let people down... I thought he was simply admitting to his own personal faults. He did his own version of "I can't believe you're interested in me" with "I'm not that smart a philosopher/I'm not that good a teacher." Even during the D&D, he asked, "Why do you like me??" Instead of saying he was attracted to my independence, he accused me of being narcissistic (whenever I voiced my own views)... then said that he admired narcissists(???) Considering all the emotional abuse he put me through, I'm glad I NEVER got physically/romantically involved with that mess. What I went through was bad enough. Sex would've made it far, FAR worse.
Aug 5 - 6PM (Reply to #13)
Susan32
Susan32's picture

That's so true...

My ex-Psychopath professor showed it from the outset. He knew I admired him (and at the time, he was handsome, but after 4 years he had a double chin&a front tire),and was quite repulsed by it. Even celebrities show more class! "They're repulsed by your affection"-That's what I found sooo confusing. When my ex-P talked about his father's diabetes, or his aunt's critical illness, he acted incredibly cruel whenever I showed sympathy&understanding. I think if he were a NARCISSIST, he would've milked the sympathy;he would WANT me to sympathize with his family's health issues. But he was a psychopath, so he reacted with anger&revulsion. "It's as if loving them makes you weak"-No wonder my declaration of love led to the D&D. No wonder my ex-P chalked my feelings for him as a "diversion",and a mark of low self-esteem. He saw love as weakness. I was thrown a curve ball. My grandmother is a narcissist, and she doesn't mind the admiration. She likes being admired.
Aug 5 - 10AM
wholeagain
wholeagain's picture

So Ms. Perfect...

skin, hair etc. wasn't good enough for your ex eh? Well--this answers some of your recent questions, she's already gotten her papers. Who knows why, and who cares--it's all about you and making a good life for yourself and your kids now Tigger. Good for you for standing up for yourself, no go have a good day!
Aug 5 - 9AM
nhtmf
nhtmf's picture

tigger

Attention, clingy, not clingy...it really doesn't matter with these sickos. Either way the next girlfriend will be the "one". Either way they will find fault in you or them but not themselves. You can't win and even with all the info out there I don't think a "normal" will ever truly understand. What got me through is I realized that no one but the people here really understood what I went through because they've been there. No matter how much I read though, how can I really and truly understand these creatures since I'm not one of them. Staying away as much as possible, complete NC is best of course, is the only way to move on and to stop trying to understand someone who is severely demented..........
Aug 5 - 9AM
Goldie
Goldie's picture

Excellent telling him to button it up

Hi Tigger, Good job not allowing him to use you as a "free therapist" he lost that privledge when he was such a crappy husband. Take care of you today. God bless, Goldie
Aug 5 - 9AM
betty2020
betty2020's picture

Good for you girl for

Good for you girl for standing your ground. Now unless there are children involved, dont feed him by giving him the time of day. Its over. xoxo only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

Aug 5 - 11PM (Reply to #2)
tigger73
tigger73's picture

That's the shitty part, we

That's the shitty part, we have 3 precious kids. Hey, listen to this......this hit me later today. This morning, like I said, he explained to me that he "broke up" with his girlfriend. OUR DIVORCE HEARING WAS LAST THURSDAY!!!!!! So, in 1 week since the divorce he has broken up with his new supply already (if he really has) WHAT A LOSER!!!!!! Can you imagine? I cannot even fathom 'moving on' with ANYONE! I don't care how perfect they may be or wonderful or anything. If they have a penis, I don't want anything to do with it!!!!! That sounds terrible but I am so turned off by men right now that I really feel like punching any of them in the face, except for my dear dear father of course. :)
Aug 6 - 10PM (Reply to #3)
narcdx3
narcdx3's picture

Sick of Men!

Me too girl!! My radar is on full blast. I couldn't adequately judge anything right now--all men are NASTY at this point. I'm sure it will change over time but if it doesn't so what. My step-dad isn't making things any better. He keeps telling me how I got used and then says but to tell you the truth thats what 95% of men do. Nice as if I wasn't grossed out enough that I was totally taken now I have this thrown out. I got in trouble once for saying all cops cheat(since I was married to 1 and all his nasty friends did it)so I had to back up and say the majority do. In my research that is a job that N's go for since they have constant supply---wish I had been researching a long time ago!
Aug 6 - 11PM (Reply to #4)
tigger73
tigger73's picture

My ex nh is in sales. And

My ex nh is in sales. And he is the best bullshitter there is. As time goes on, day by day, and as many books as i have read, I am moving from being 'hurt' to being seriously 'pissed'. I am finding my innocent niave self is GONE. LONG GONE. I am seeing that i was REALLY taken advantage of, bigtime. Duh....Wow, maybe we can think of it this way....are we now ahead of the game? So, I wasted 10 of my good years, Im still only 37, and SO MUCH WISER. I hope I am wiser. I feel like I have been living with a cancerous growth for 10 yrs and I survived!! Like I should be on that show, "I Shouldn't Have Survived" or whatever it's called, like where people live thru unbelievable odds...... I am overtired and giddy. Happy to be out of that house with that monster. It's amazing too what no contact can do. I haven't seen his mug in 3 days.....we have kids.....when I was seeing him more, i was more ill. Anxiety, sad.... whatever. Such a loser. I only wish he could wake up one day and it hits him how much he has lost.....but it won't matter, and i will never ever go back to him. My family would all move! :)
Aug 8 - 7PM (Reply to #8)
almostlydia
almostlydia's picture

I read somewhere that those

I read somewhere that those of us long timers were the ones that kept them in check. I equate it with having one foot on the floor of normalcy. For those of you who ever had to hang one foot off the bed and on the floor to keep the room from spinning, you know what I mean. I think that without that routine, safe place to come home to their lives spin out of control. Mine is still sending texts that I am his soulmate. I'm thinking don't you have to have a soul for that? Good for you. Hold your ground. We can somewhat predict what is going to happen because they are all so predictable in their behavior. Stay strong and be prepared should he come hovering again.

almostlydia

Aug 7 - 5PM (Reply to #5)
Susan32
Susan32's picture

When what you've lost is right in front of you

My ex-Psychopath professor has a colleague with whom he went to graduate school. My ex-P took SEVEN YEARS to get a master's degree (normally it takes 1-3 years) His colleague always looked mortified to see him. Their relationship was strictly business, and from my own experience, I can see why. The two never palled around, and his colleague always looked embarrassed to be around him (my ex-P) Looks like it was a friendship that my ex-P threw in the trash. In a sense, my ex-P has to go to work every day and see the person he's lost.