need out

10 posts / 0 new
Last post
#1 Feb 20 - 10AM
nh22
nh22's picture

need out

So it has officially been over a year with this man. I have shared several stories on this forum and each time I seem to get a little stronger.
This time I am struggling for answers. Why does it seem like this man really hates me? It seems like the more I give and the nicer I am the more mean he is to me and the worse he treats me. Take for example, last night I took his son out for his bday (which is today) while he had a previous engagement. I bought him his present, had a wonderful evening doing fun "kid things." My guy doesn't tell me thank you. Doesn't ask how the night was--nothing. I call him when he is on his way home and he seems mad. He pulls the silent treatment and won't tell me what is going on. I don't understand. Today, he tells me he has to go to a meeting and I was to watch his son again. He doesn't ask me. He expects it.
This man lives at my house and pays nothing. I take care of all the bills, cleaning, groceris, make dinners and pay for things for his kids.
The other day we got into another arguement because I asked him why he was ignoring me and being mean to me. I finally said no other woman would let you live in their house for free and have you treat them the way you treat me. ( I never bring that up because I don't want HIM to feel bad) He says to me, "You would be paying bills anyway if I lived here or not. What's the big deal." I was so angry. He doesn't appreciate anything I do. He will come home from work. Not say anything to me. Change the tv channel and ignore me the whole night. If I say anything he will tell me to leave him alone.
He questions everything I do. I have not done anything with friends or family the past 9 months because if I do I have to take pictures to prove where I am. It's easier not going anywere so I don't have to put up with the harrassment.
I try to figure out weekly why he is mad at me and he won't ever communicate and does the ignoring thing. I cry and ask why and he tells me I have pushed him away and there is nothing there because I act like that. I feel like I do nothing right with this man. He has 2 ex wives whom he shares everything with. He has told them that I am a mean person. He is so very nice to the both of them and it really hurts me. He has told me the things they "apparently" did to him when they were married (cheating, spending money etc.) but he is super nice to them now. He has to support them and his children but treats me like crap while I support him. What's wrong with this picture?
Why do I still want to be with this guy. I feel like such a sick pathetic person. I hate who I am and see myself aging and becoming a person I never thought I would be.
Can anyone relate or give me any answers today?

Feb 21 - 6PM
Hunter
Hunter's picture

N22

We can all relate to what you are dealing with,How would you like to change this situation? Its up to you to do the work. I remember when I first was going through this, my therapist said,You had worked really hard to get better. I didn't understand what he meant at the time. I was not about to let some loser take me down. I moved in here (to this site) went to therapy, and read all I could. Once I fully understood what a disordered individual this man is, I wanted nothing to with him. My life is far more important to me then to be led on a leash. Yours is too. YOu need to start at the beginning to get to the end. Stay her with us read all you can. You need to fully understand what you are dealing with in order to be yourself again. If this is your home you need to make him leave ASAP. Once he's out, NC for you. You are doing this on your own anyway. Get rid of the poison. Start NOW. Hugs Idealk
Feb 28 - 3AM
Used
Used's picture

n22

You would be paying bills anyway if I lived here or NOT. What's the big deal.he is the big deal, NOT is the opertive word here, so kick him out. b/c if that is how gratful he is NOT he has zero respect at all, myexh husband ask to lend money once when i did he got to the door and said i could have got this of so and so, i bolted out of the chair, snatched it back and said sod of and get it elsewhere then, the moral of this story was relizing he thought he was doing me a favor letting me lend him money. i never lent him another penny, he stopped asking. they will push the envelope untill there is only a scrap of paper and a scrap of you left. HE IS A FIRST CLASS PONCE AND PARASITE, DONT LET HIM BE THAT ANY MORE.
Feb 21 - 12PM
agnesmurphy17
agnesmurphy17's picture

Throw Him Out!

THOW HIM OUT! Him & his kids! IMMEDIATELY. Let him go live with the nice ex-wives. Some lady here has a en-N who moved in with the ex-wife when she threw him out. If it's no big deal that YOU'RE paying anyhow, you could do the guy thing. EXTRACT YOUR POUND OF FLESH -- OR CONTROL THE SUPPLY OF WHAT YOU PAY FOR. (That is, marriage was traditionally legalized prostitution. Men paid for sex & their heirs.) Only prepare food for YOURSELF. Get locks on all the pantries for the food YOU paid for. (Leave one empty for his food which he buys for himself.) Come in & change the channel because YOU'RE paying for the cable service. No more showers for him because YOU are paying the water & heating. Is this any way to live? I don't think so. Which brings me back to my original point, JUST CHANGE THE LOCKS. (My N did it to me when I left the house because he was abuive & I was the co-owner on the deed!) Don't care what happens to either him or his children. Pay one last time to have a 'man with van' show up & take N's stuff. In fact, if N doesn't give you a location, then deliver to one of the ex-wives. Money well invested. I don;t think this N will remove his possessions himself becuase 1. he has no money & 2. no place to go. GET TOUGH! Just because you have the place paid for does not mean he's entitled to store his possessions or his ass in YOUR place. It's no big deal YOU pay, then it's no big deal if you say: "MINE! & I DON'T WANT TO SHARE." If he's a JERK. Get a restraining order. Life is too short. Read Your Story yourself. Imagine if another woman wrote this? Actually, I am wondering if this is a true story. Sometimes people post stuff. I'm tough because it's time you get tough. The nicer you are with these jerks the more & more they take because you're not respecting yourself . . . so why should he?
Feb 20 - 10PM
newgal
newgal's picture

Nice

You seem to be a nice person like I am and your N knows it and takes advantage of it. My N ex treated me the same way. When my one year of bad treatment end and I was moving into the 2nd year, I said NO... I was not going to be treated that way for another year. I filed for divorce and did not look back. You will never know why they treat you like they do. They do not think like you and I. Just know their life is a sad, sad life and it is full of jealousy, rage, and lies. Get out know.. dont wait another year. I lost my self esteem and my courage. But the last year, I have lost weight, bought some next sexy clothes and found myself a new man where it is all about me. You can do it! It is not easy...but living with a man who is mentally abusive is worse! Go live your life and dont worry about anyone else!
Feb 20 - 11AM
Sergie41
Sergie41's picture

Nh22

I feel as if I could have written your entry MYSELF. This is identical to my situation with my exNarc! He has two young children. He lived in my place for free for close to a year 'because all he could offered was child support and his medication'. He was cold with me when it came to caring for his children. I bought them their christmas and birthday gifts as well. No 'thanks yous' or 'thats exactly why i have you around because you are wonderful to not only be but my children'. I know the children appreciated it, and that's the only reason I don't regret spending that money on exNarc. He would come home late from work, kids already tucked in. And be SO cold! He would crawl into bed with the children and over power them with love and affection 'i love you so much my little princess and my little knight'. I enjoyed the fact that he could actually be so gentle and loving with them. But once they were asleep and he was in our bedroom, PURE ICE COLD man! He had no conversation. 'I'm tired go back to sleep' UGH! He was also very possessive if I was at work or out with friends and family even! I would have to tell him I loved him before I got off the phone in a loud enough voice that the people i was with could hear me. Just in case I might be with someone I wasn't supposed to be. As proof that I wasn't doing anything wrong. I never should have let this go. Saying I love you should be authentic. More and more it became less authentic from me. Not that I didn't love him or feel that way. Being forced to say it makes it unreal. You are going through exactly what I was going through with this man when I was still in denial of who he truly is. I let all the 'little' signs go because when it came down to it, he was perfect in my eyes when he did try to love me and shower me with affection(rare but thats what I held onto). This stage in my experience, was when I started cracking at the seems. I questioned everything I was thinking. I doubted everything that made me feel anything less than a beautiful caring woman. I started exploding. I couldn't help but explode. I would write him manic letters and voice mails when he did things to upset me that were hurtful. So, as a result, I started to look like the bad guy. To everyone around him. I was a crazy bitch that snapped on him all the time. I wasn't treating him right by accusing him of being a terrible man and father. After all, he was charming, courteous, good looking, and God fearing! BOLOGNIE! Not to long after these thing start to get to me. The entire situation blew up. He got physical with me. I called the police. He was moved out of my place. We started seeing each other again at his new home. He kicked me out on many occasions. Then one day when he wanted me to leave, he PHYSICALLY threw me up. To the point where we are now in the middle of the court system. He's being charged with Domestic Violence and emotional abuse. It's time RIGHT NOW for you to get out! Get him out of your house! Stay as far away from him as possible! These are the early signs of what is worse to come. The situation doesn't stay the same, it only gets worse with time. Get him out and get NC! Safe your life before he takes everything from you! NOW! Don't waste anymore time!
Feb 20 - 6PM (Reply to #2)
nh22
nh22's picture

Thank you

Sergie, Thanks so much for your words of wisdom and advice. It sounds exactly like what I am going through. He showers his kids with love and affection. It kills me. I am trying so hard to make some changes. I know I need to get out and desperately want to. Thanks again--I will keep you posted.
Feb 21 - 6PM (Reply to #3)
nh22
nh22's picture

help

I don't know why I keep begging him to stay--no matter how horrible he is to me I can't turn the corner. I hate myself. I hate myself for putting up with him. He is a horrible person but I can 't let go. Today, he tells me he will talk to me and leaves and won't answer the phone. After time and time again of calling and texting he finally answers and tells me im the crazy one. I feel CRAZY! I hate who I have become. He makes me feel so bad about myself. He says that he gives me things--he comes home every night--that should be enough. He says he is not out at the bars. SO WHAT! I don't know what to do. I can't sleep, I can't eat and I am a nervous wreck.
Feb 23 - 7PM (Reply to #5)
Hunter
Hunter's picture

N22

Actually you do know what to do. You are just afarid.Let him go. Once he's out of the picture you can regain yourself. You are asking for help we are here, but you have to do the work. Tell me what do you love about him? I don't see any good qualities. What is the core of your fear? Idealk
Feb 21 - 8PM (Reply to #4)
CougarBabe7
CougarBabe7's picture

NH22

Please don't feel so badly about yourself. It's difficult to let go even when that little voice inside tells you that it's for the best, and that you'd be better off without him. And I know first hand how difficult it is to let go of the wonderful person you thought he was in the beginning. For a long time I hoped that my ex-borderline would go back to the way he was with me at the beginning. And I tried very hard to be the perfect fiancee to him. Just about everything he wanted, I gave him, and then some. But there was this one day when I finally realized that no matter what I did or didn't do, he was NOT going back to the man he was at the beginning. And it was then I finally realized that the person he pretended to be was not really who he was. God, I remember feeling the way you do now just 2 1/2 years ago - couldn't sleep, couldn't eat, couldn't stop crying & could barely function at work. If you have a doctor, you may want to ask him or her for something to help you sleep. Not that I'm a big drug advocate or anything, but the sleeping pills I got helped me to get some rest, which then enabled me to think more clearly when I was awake. But that choice is up to you. Just trying to explain what helped me when I was falling apart over the ending of my relationship with a PDI. I agree with the others that you need to get him out of your house; however, if you cannot do that at this point and don't feel ready, maybe you could start standing up for yourself in little ways. I LOVED AgnesMurphy17's advice about the cupboards, the remote control and the shower! Take baby steps if that's what you need to do. Just take back a little part of yourself, somehow, every day and see what he does. In time, you'll see that he's not going to start treating you any better and that he's not going to change in any positive way whatsoever. Then maybe you'll have the courage to throw him out and be done with it! You'll know when the time is right, and please know that we are here for you when you need to vent or need advice! Keep us posted honey & much love to you. ♥