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Need information

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#1 Jan 4 - 11AM
fallingfoward
fallingfoward's picture

Need information

I need information on setting boundaries, I think my boundaries are all screw up. I grew up with a narc father who provide the family with every form of abuse. I married at 19, to man who was just as abusive as my father. I did get away from that relationship, after he tried to kill me three times. I then spent the next few years dating nars and non-narcs. Pushing all the non-nars, away. I then ended in radical church with a narc pastor (which I didn't know till I began to read the information). I was so involved and in the ministry. When I finally left, I lost all my friends, some of then I had over 20 years, due to the damage the pastor did to my reputation. I didn't date for 20 years while I was involved in this ministry. Now to the present, so I started dating and ended up involved with a narc man again. I can see that my boundaries are all screwed up. I give and give and give losing myself in all these relationships. I keep pulling myself out of every situation, but often self-sabotage myself because of my caring nature. I need to learn how to love myself, I know it involves more than a bubble bath and a good book, any advice, information, links I can read. Thank you, each and every one of you encourage me to keep pressing on.

Jan 4 - 11AM
Goldie
Goldie's picture

Finding the information is real easy

Doing the work and trusting your instincts is the difficult part. Google, setting bounderies. Adult children and setting bounderies, ect.... There is much out there and most of it is similar in nature, in your case, most books about adult children from abuse will have chapters on boundery setting and the other chapters will be helpful as well. One of the reasons that adult children of abuse have trouble setting bounderies is because they often question their reality due to blame, trauma, conflict ect... and you need to become secure with what you see and feel. If it looks toxic or feels toxic then say NO. Plus AC get easily trauma bonded to toxic people who are similar to the F/O/O situations. If it feels too familiar, it is, RUN don't walk to the nearest exit. We know all of these things, yet we often get stuck if there are other issue's keeping us hooked. Those are the issue's which need to be delt with as well, for any of these books on boundery setting to be helpful. God bless, Goldie
Jan 4 - 12PM (Reply to #8)
Run4it
Run4it's picture

Goldie is so correct

It has taken 52 years and this most recent toxic Narc relationship for me to finally realize that I keep trying to repeat my NPD Father. This exN was the ultimate replacement: He grew up in my town, his father was in the same line of business as mine AND the N knew and worked for my father while I was living and working away. He pegged my weaknesses immediately and infiltrated every hidden NPD Daddy issue possible, ultimately D&D and cheating on me just like my father did to our family for years! This has been the silver lining in the sordid affair, that I have finally come face to face with the excrutiating pain and reality of what I grew up with and I can now put it where it belongs and move forward. (whew...I feel like I need to pay someone for that session :)
Jan 4 - 1PM (Reply to #9)
fallingfoward
fallingfoward's picture

lol

Your last statement has made me laugh. My story sounds similar to yours as far as the narc Dad. I working toward the same place that you are, bliss with myself. Hugs
Jan 4 - 12PM (Reply to #7)
fallingfoward
fallingfoward's picture

Thanks

I will google those topics, and it is about trusting myself. It is about trusting those gut feelings, not my emotions. Trusting myself more than the other person. Thanks
Jan 4 - 11AM
Sparrow
Sparrow's picture

Learning to love yourself

Learning to love yourself doesn't have to be a difficult task, however, for some it is because they were never taught love, never shown or given love, and for this, I am truly sorry. This is the main reason why you are in the boat you are, and it is not your fault at all. You know what love is, because you give it and seek it, but you are unable to give it to yourself. This is something you can work on each day, it will take time, after years of being abused, beaten down, this will not happen over night. The bubble baths and books help for sure, but also seek therapy. Everyone should, I can not emphasize this enough. Also, if you are looking for little helpful hints as you said........each day, wake up and think of one thing, not a number of things, one thing about YOU, a quality, that you like and find appealing, and spend the day introducing it into your life, little bits here and there....... For example......you like your laugh.......find things throughout the day that make you laugh and spent the day focused on that. Another day, you like your ability to listen......talk to youself, and listen to what you are saying. I hope you get the jist of what I am saying.....begin to like you, begin to love you, focus on you. :)
Jan 4 - 11AM (Reply to #4)
fallingfoward
fallingfoward's picture

Thank you

Thank you Sparrow, your posts always enourage me. I will name one quality a day, I like in myself when I wake up. I am trying to focus on myself and know it takes work. But I a fighter and I will fight for my new life. Hugs to you today.
Jan 4 - 12PM (Reply to #5)
Run4it
Run4it's picture

Your a fighter

and that is a wonderful quality. You are here and willing to fight for YOU! You are falling forward in a good way, just like we runners do to make progress :)
Jan 4 - 11AM
Hunter
Hunter's picture

You need to be thearpy. The

You need to be thearpy. The answers are in you.. A good therapist will pull this put.. Hunter
Jan 4 - 11AM (Reply to #2)
fallingfoward
fallingfoward's picture

Yes

I have spent many years in thearpy, due to the abuse growing up and my marriage. My sister died at the early age of 52, due to the fact of never dealing with the abuse. (married a abusive man and never left) I am planning on going back as soon as I start working, I've been laid off for awhile now. I have made some new friends and they have been a blessing. My friends and family say I light up the room when I enter it, but I do see that something is not rite inside of me with my boundries. I do work out, journal, and still despite everything believe the best is yet to come. I will never give up, and I have learned to enjoy the moments in life that bring peace, love and joy. Thanks I will be taking your advice.