Need help understanding

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#1 Feb 12 - 5AM

Snowflake

Need help understanding

I have so many books, today is a bad morning.

I am struggling with the acceptance that I was a toy, an NS, it really hurts, struggling to accept I meant nothing.

And I feel like I got d and d'd..and I was devalued.

He wanted to meet I didnt meet but he made no attempt to persuade me..just a this is your final oppo..

I am working on me, on my marriage, my self esteem is so low, I hate these emotions, yesterday was great, today I feel like I have been thrown back into a pit of despair.

I know its not 'him' I miss but its left such a void, its so hard to explain..

#2 Feb 12 - 1PM

Journey

Sorry you are feeling low

Sorry you are feeling low again. Don't let the 'void' be something HE has to fill! He can't do it, but you can. Every single thing you do for YOURSELF right now will help fill that void. In your "struggling to accept", it would seem to me you are placing all the result of that acceptance being on you instead of him. It isn't about you 'being just a toy' or 'meaning nothing' in his eyes, it is about HIM not being CAPABLE of treating you any differently. "He wanted to meet I didnt meet but he made no attempt to persuade me..just a this is your final oppo.." - SNOWFLAKE - that is a THREAT of discard if you don't do what he wants. He definitely made an attempt to persuade you... can you see the control and the manipulation he maintains in this idea that you have about him not trying to persuade you? like he might be better than he is because he didn't, or sowing seeds of doubt? like you'll loose something valuable if you stay away? Like he's being 'normal'? I hope this makes sense. In order to become clear about a narc's control and manipulation, distance is needed. Your self esteem will rise when you start managing your life again without his influence. Your health and your marriage's health is WAY more important than the fleeting feeling of value the narc gives you. Just as willingly he might give, he easily takes away without empathy. A person who really loves does not discard and abandon - or threaten to, narcs do that.

Journey on...

#3 Feb 12 - 2PM (Reply to #11)

Snowflake

Journey

my brain understand what you are saying but my feelings dont..I cant understand the hold..to be honest the feeling of being duped is keeping me there/not wanting to let go..does that make sense?

#4 Feb 12 - 3PM (Reply to #12)

Journey

You want to fix the

You want to fix the unfix-able. The feeling of being duped holding you there is only an excuse for you to stay engaged, it does not have the power - you do. The hold is your decision because you resist letting go and accepting the loss for what it is. It hurts, but the hurt will be released. We were all duped and yes, that is infuriating as well as very hurtful on many levels, but it is not really what prevents us from letting go. If anything, it should be reason enough for us to run and never look back. Your brain understands and feelings are motivated by thoughts, so we must reprogram our thoughts to get our emotions on track. This is not easy and can be a struggle, but there is no room for second guessing. He is toxic, you need to accept that and consciously change your feelings with every thought you tell yourself about him. That is how to bridge a connection between our thoughts and our emotions. We must 'make it so'. No one and nothing can do that for us, there comes a time when we must surrender our control over how we would rather things were, in order to accept how they are and free ourselves from it emotionally. I hope that helps.

Journey on...

#5 Feb 12 - 1PM (Reply to #9)

Ophelia

Excellent words, Journey

"Just as willingly he might give, he easily takes away without empathy. A person who really loves does not discard and abandon - or threaten to, narcs do that." Yes, yes, yes. We need to remind ourselves of this CONSTANTLY!

#6 Feb 12 - 3PM (Reply to #10)

Journey

Constantly! It does get

Constantly! It does get easier to do, the more it's done and with that comes freedom!

Journey on...

#7 Feb 12 - 12PM

Phoenix72

You are not alone today.

You are not alone today. Icgonitoburrito is feeling it today as well. Is the moon in a screwed up position the past few days??? I am struggling yesterday and today, and who knows how tomorrow will tomorrow will turn out. We are in the same boat rowing it with you.

#8 Feb 12 - 12PM

Ophelia

It's a roller coaster

And I'm right beside you in the roller coaster car this morning Snowflake with similar feelings. It's a sad feeling. Grief takes time. It cycles. This will pass. It will.

#9 Feb 12 - 8AM

Fearless

Snowflake read this...

...Read the blog by (not) Spinning Acceptance helps stop the spin... Wonderful, wise words. -fefe

FeFe

#10 Feb 12 - 8AM

ruby01 (not verified)

Snowflake

Make no mistake, you suffered a loss and you are grieving. There is a void. One that can be filled with something that does not cause such turmoil. What you choose to fill that emptiness you are now feeling is up to you. Remember that you are behind the wheel not sitting in the passenger seat.

#11 Feb 12 - 12PM (Reply to #2)

Ophelia

PIano lessons

I start on Friday. Can hardly wait.

#12 Feb 12 - 4PM (Reply to #4)

ruby01 (not verified)

Ophelia

There you go!

#13 Feb 12 - 2PM (Reply to #3)

Snowflake

Ophelia

Piano is great, I am starting again soon x

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