Need help ladies

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#1 Jan 2 - 9PM
Scotchy71
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Need help ladies

So I've been reading on the effects of toxic parents and I would really appreciate feedback on this one.

My narc told me his father was very manipulative and controlling of his mother and his behaviour taught narc what he didn't want to be when he grew up, not what he wanted to be.

Thing is, he's exactly the same as what he says his father was. He said his mother never complained, was always there for him and tried to please him all the time. Narc said he didn't want a subservient partner and wouldn't date a hispanic woman because they are either subservient or trying to change who they are.

Do you think he's mad at his mother for being controlled? He was close to his mother as a child (so he says) and would be in the kitchen with her watching her cook etc.

Jan 3 - 6AM
blueeyes
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Scotchy

Words! His words are the same as mine were "I won't be my parents". Really? Uhm because you are! His father "Narc King" has been in prison since the early 90's. Now maybe they are cell mates?
Jan 5 - 6AM (Reply to #9)
Scotchy71
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Blue eyes

Wow, so it's projection pretty much there too, he is exactly like his father...his brother cheats on his wife too and narc said to me..."You'll never meet a more wonderful woman than his wife and yet he cheats on her"...he must have thought I was disgusting then, because he did that to me!!!! When I discovered what he'd done, he said..."Like you, I thought I was being just like my brother and I'll never forgive myself".....now it's all my fault, my behaviour made him cheat....I was suspicious of him yes, he was ogling women in front of me for goodness sake, but that's MY bad behaviour I guess for daring to notice and mention to him I wouldn't accept it. They're unbelievable aren't they? x
Jan 3 - 6AM
onwithmylife
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Scotchy

I know the Narc had a mother who was narcissistic, at least when he was growing up, she had a son many years before Narc was born, and had wanted a girl when he came along in her 40's already. Narc said he reconciled with not being wanted, WRONG, and his brother told me their mother smothered and doted on him, spoiled rotten and i think she kept him real close to her apron strings. first wife told me that N never felt loved even though doted on, to me it is because she did not appreicate him for the little boy HE IS and was simply an extension of her. His father was a shadowy figure, good guy, from what I have been told, but did not help N to make the crucial break from his mother. Father did everything for his wife, including driving her all places, she did not drive. In short, I blame his mother and why he turned out the way he did. Never met either parent, she was in nursing home and dying when we first met, so all my info is from first wife and his brother.
Jan 3 - 6AM (Reply to #4)
Scotchy71
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onwithmylife

Thank you, I'm just confused as to what he really thinks - don't think I'll ever really know. What I do know is he doesn't think his mother loves him like everyone else in the family... he's less loved and is always looking for her approval - I sent her flowers and he said he loved me for it, but I was making him look bad... couldn't help himself.....
Jan 3 - 7AM (Reply to #7)
Hunter
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Scotchy

You will never know what they really think. They are not normal.
Jan 3 - 6AM (Reply to #5)
onwithmylife
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Scotchy

You are right, you will never understand how his mind works, he may not either for that matter!Sounds like he never got unconditional love from his mother, like my exn, otherwise why would you feel unloved? I remember his first wife told me he use to hide and see if his mother would find him.Again it goes to back to parenting where the child did not feel the love they should have gotten, Take a look at the book called When He is Married to Mom, cannot remember the author, great book and may help you understand his relationship with his mother, let me know what you think of it. i once told the N your love is always conditional and he looked at me and said,' what do you know about love?", turns out more than I thought at the time...........
Jan 5 - 6AM (Reply to #6)
Scotchy71
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owmlife

Yes I hear you, it sounds like he never felt loved by her...I know he kept pointing out how she had more pics of the rest of the family than him and when I sent her flowers....she loved me more than him...he even signed the email "second class narc"..so sad...she spent only 3 days with me and he was convinced she loved me more than him.
Jan 3 - 1AM
M
M's picture

This is tricky...

I had thought my ehN's dad was the dominate one & his mom was the just did whatever her husband said. (NY Italian family) That was the description my x would give. When I met them, his dad was calm, accomodating. His mom, however, had to take over my kitchen, shopping for her food items, cooking each meal. After reading about NPD, I think his mom has traits & he aligns with her because she'll bail him out. His dad wouldn't.
Jan 3 - 2AM (Reply to #2)
Scotchy71
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M

Thanks M, his father died a few years ago but his mother is quite a strong personality although was clearly trying to keep the peace with me narc when I was there. I never got to meet him, only his mother. She didn't appear domineering but he always thinks he's less loved than his other brother and sisters as his mother has many photos of the others but very few of him. I think he has issues with her and is mad with her in some way for making him feel less than part of the family. I think he was also jealous his mother and I got along so well too, he gave me the silent treatment most of the time I was there.....pathetic jealousy!