Need Help Getting Out

I need help so desperately.

I am involved with this man that is not only an N but also an alcoholic and regular illegal drug user.

I’m mid-fifties, have a good job, savings, own my house and car. I have three grown and successful children that live on their own and support themselves. I am stable, educated and fairly healthy. I have been married once to the kids father and divorced now for 22 years. I’ve been seeing him for four years. We don’t live together nor have children or anything legally connecting us.

He behaves exactly like what is described on this website. Right now it is kind of this honeymoon phase where he is trying to be nice and do nice things to make up for the rage he went into last weekend. I know this isn’t going to last. He cycles through these stages every one or two weeks. For a couple months now it has been every week. Add to that all the blame and denial an alcoholic dishes out and then top it off with all the dangerous, nonsensical, drama-trauma of a drug user.

He has been physically abusive to the point I sought medical attention. I tried filing a restraining order and the judge chastised me for wasting his time saying restraining orders are for broken jaws and gunshot wounds. That was a year and a half ago. He contacted me again after court and claimed to want to go to AA and work things out. At that time I fell for it all.

I have no friends and my only sister lives a days drive away. She is only supportive to a degree. She mostly thinks I am enjoying the attention or asking for it – leading him on by agreeing to see him, otherwise if it was as bad as I say I would leave him. My daughter pretty much thinks the same thing about me.

Last summer, after an unusualy supportive conversation with my sister who walked me through all my fears, I broke it off with him and blocked his number. I did not miss him nor have an urge once to call him. I was terribly depressed, though. I talked myself out of suicide and was making plans for the new year when he called from someone else’s phone just after Christmas. I was shocked at myself for believing a word he said. Within a week he was back to all his same garbage – verbal insults, seeing other women and calling them friends, calling me all hours of the night drunk, drunk texting dozens of nasty grams with threats of hurting my daughter or calling my work.

The last four months have been miserable. I have no idea if he’d act on any of the hundreds of threats he’s made or not. I have to get away I just don’t know how. What do I say, specifically, that won’t send him into a rage and threats? I also don’t know how to protect myself from sabotaging myself.

I have this desire to end it peaceably with the sane person that I sometimes could communicate with. I make these clear decisions to end it and then he calls saying how he wants to make it work and he’s going to AA. It doesn’t matter if I only believe it for 10 seconds or an hour, once I start listening, he gets me hooked and starts in with all the guilt trips. As soon as I get off the phone or leave, I am disgusted with myself and wish I could just get in my car and drive away and disappear.

What do I do?

I am desperately trying to get out of going somewhere with him this weekend.

Going Crazy!