Need Encouragement - Crashing

5 posts / 0 new
Last post
#1 Aug 21 - 12PM
MovingForward's picture

Need Encouragement - Crashing

I am having an extremely hard time, again, with the CD. It has been 9 months since the worse D&D I could imagine. I let the N come back after a 6 month separation from being together for 7 years. Round 2 lasted 18 months before the last D&D. She only came back because the supply she left for did not work out. I felt this all along but wanted to believe it was because she truly loved me and realized she made a mistake.
I was doing well and on my way but recently I have had a set back to the beginning of the pain. I try to remember the bad things but can only focus on the good times we had. I am lonely, bored and missing her so much. Every minute of our time was adventurous and exciting.
She was on the hunt for new supply one year into our reconciliation. I was being bled dry and she knew I would be out of supply soon. There were even subtle hints from her of what she was up to but I was sick, weak and had a lot of other problems in my life at the time. She promised she would be there for me, help me and she was, just as in the beginning, until one day she came home and said she was leaving. She had secured her new supply the day before and found a house, moved the OW in and began her new life. One day everything was ok (or so I thought) and then the next day, it was over.
She is now living a new fantasy, yes, I know it is a fantasy and will end the same but, I am extremely jealous and I know she does not think of me at all. It hurts so much. I spent 11 years attending to her every need that I lost myself in the process. I don't know who I am anymore. How do I find my strength again and let her go once and for all? It's an addiction I can't seem to break free from.
I seek revenge and I have the ability to cause severe damage but I know it will only come back on me. Does Karma exist? I want to warn the OW, of whom I knew, but I know she would not listen or believe. Yes, I am the crazy, drug addict that used the N and sucked her dry and she could no longer help me as I was only using her, blah, blah, blah.
How do I become indifferent and move on with my life?
Another very difficult thing for me is that i was very close with her daughter. I raised her for 11 years. She has become just like her monther and has D&D me just the same. It hurts, I was always there for her too. I must let this all go, but I don't know how. I torture myself every minute of the day.
Thanks for reading.

Aug 25 - 11PM
Deidre40's picture

Eleven years. Damn. That is a

Eleven years. Damn. That is a very long time. To be with ANYONE. Let alone with a narcissist. I'm very sorry for your pain. And that you also had to detach yourself from her daughter. My advice would be that this takes time. You will have good days, and bad days. And the key is to accept those bad days as part of the process. Without those days, you won't get to the healing. In the bad days, COMES THE HEALING. Through the tears and pain and anger...we heal. We learn about ourselves. Why we tolerated abuse. What are we lacking perhaps from so far back as our childhood, that caused us to gravitate towards a narc to begin with, and so on. I think back to the painful PAINFUL days, and at the time, they were horrid. But, now, I remember them as medicine for my soul. I had to go through them, to get to where I am. I was only involved for 3 months with my ex. Compared to your ordeal, my situation looks silly. So, it may take you a few years to be completely over this. Perhaps, that's not such a bad thing, because this type of thing changes a person. It can make you bitter, or it can make you hopeful for the future. It can make you angry, or it can give you greater resolve to never tolerate abuse again. And help others even who are going through the same. I just wanted to come in here, after reading your story, and wish you well with this. I will be praying for your healing, and sending you warm hugs.
Aug 21 - 2PM
blindfaith's picture


11 yrs is a long time! Whats so unfair is that in all these relationships, the normal person feels so much loss because,unlike the narc, we've invested so much into them and our relationship with them...only to find out they had one foot out the door the whole time. Your anger is a healthy sign. Maybe you need an outlet to direct it in a positive way. No doubt its going to take quite some time to heal. Ive found that supportive friends and keeping busy makes a world of difference. Too much time to think is a real enemy when your going through something like this. Im sorry your in a painful spot right now. Hang in there,things have to get better sooner or later.
Aug 21 - 6PM (Reply to #2)
MovingForward's picture

The difficult part is that I

The difficult part is that I am now disabled and unable to work, one reason I was discarded. I was alienated from friends so I don't have any. Being unable to work leaves a lot of "thinking" time. I never realized how much I would miss a 9 to 5 job and the socialization that came with it. My only friends are my dogs - lol. Each day I tell myself I have to just get out and do it. Find something to do and people to meet but I get stuck everytime in my emotions. I don't like bars and really have no interest. I was so "into" the N that I feel totally lost without her. To top it off, I had to give up my (our) dream home/farm 2 weeks ago due to physical and more importantly emotion limitations. I can no longer stand to be there and the memories of a promised future that was a lie, a game. I don't see how these people have no feelings whatsoever about ANYTHING in their lives. Everything is disposable. It helps for me to write it out. I am greatful for this forum.
Aug 23 - 3PM (Reply to #3)
spinning's picture

kidd, you just found your

little nugget of gold to mine... "it helps for me to write it out." Abso-f'n-loutely! One of the steps is to "get it out" and I find this most helpful. For me, it is the key to TRUE UNDERSTANDING. I think you might try with the lists. This helped me when I was in the fog and the CD was raging in the early months of NC. I was in the disordered relationship...which like you pared down my so-called life to nothing...for six years. I made a list of the good he brought into my life and a separate list of the bad. The good list had four things on it. The bad list grew to four pages long in about ten minutes. Once I started the pen was flying down the page. I didn't even have to all just came out. And there it was, THE TRUTH IN BLACK AND WHITE right before my eyes. I couldn't cover it up with my confused emotions. The FACTS were right before me. And the FACTS were that he was a lousy, lying, manipulator, destroyer and abuser who could not be trusted and who KNOWINGLY took my best traits and tore them to shreds. Kidd, this really helped me and it's also a way to "get it out." Maybe you could try it and the CD will lessen for a while. I hope it helps. I'm pulling for you. Most sincerely (not) spinning. IT'S A FIGHT BUT I'M IN FOR THE LONG HAUL. THE SICK FREAK IS BACK IN THE ZOO WHERE HE BELONGS AND NOT IN MY HEAD!