NC relapse

Hi guys,

This is the first time I have posted on here, but as you have all been helping me so much I just wanted to share where I am at today. I had been nearly 3 weeks of NC , until a few weeks back I got a little cocky and answered a phone call. I thought it was morbid curiosity what he wanted, but my real motives were I was missing him. Long story short he ended coming round on the Friday. We got drunk, played music and had a night of crazy amazing sex. The next day he told me how much he had missed me, couldn't stop thinking of me, blah blah , lies, lies, reeling me in. He must of told me over 100 times that Saturday how much he loved me. Hook line and sinker I fell for it. All that pain was replaced with his strong arms round me all day, being so kind and caring and making me feel wrapped up in his love. For the first time he even seemed more emotionally attached during sex (I now know he mimicked this ) I knew deep down I was dancing with the devil, but his pull was so strong and I was desperate to believe he really did have feelings and that I really was ' he one' he told me I was. He told me how he wanted to marry me, have kids and how no other woman was important, and I should just trust him and not get caught up in the petty stuff. The petty stuff being that he cheated on me over and over and over !!! Anyway I decided to unblock him from fb that Monday. This meant he could now see I had made comments on our mutual friends pages. He started sending texts having a go at me for writing on HIS friends walls. The anger was back. The control was back. I knew this was not gonna be pretty. However in my love blindness and denial I tried to excuse everything, even though i had done nothing wrong. Every time he text I was a shaking mess. My friend was with me when I got some texts and she said she could see my soul dying in the pain. By the following weekend I had lost all strength I had built up over the past weeks. I was on edge on egg shells to scared to say anything. He was so cold and distant. All the ' I love you's' gone. I knew the D&D was coming . It was inevitable, yet still I did not take charge and end it but waited ... it soon came. Sat night I kept saying shall we watch a film or something. I could tell his mind was elsewhere he sat forward on the sofa, no contact, closed off. I could tell he wanted to go. He said he was going to read a book. I got annoyed and said I have not seen you for weeks and you want to read a book on a Saturday night ? My god the moment I questioned him he flew into a crazy rage . Stood up yelling telling me how he would not be controlled by me , how I was in need of help !!! He then called a taxi, whilst pacing up and down throwing every insult at me. How I never supported him , and am so negative and how he does not want someone like that in his life !! I knew exactly what he was up to, so told him . I told him I knew he had got what he wanted from me ( sex and attention ) and now he was causing an argument as an excuse to leave and be with another woman ( the same one he dumped me on Valentines day for ) !! He told me I was mad and left. Left me a crying mess again !! I went NC for a few days then stupidly checked his hotmail account as I know his password. I may have well just got a knife and stabbed myself for what I read. The OW ,he had as I guessed run too, had written how she had her vibrating tongue stud ready for him, and how she was so excited looking forward to seeing him that night she had shivers down her spine. I wanted to throw up I felt so sick . I am now 1 week NC again, but the pain of what I read, knowing he does not care and is with her is killing me. I do know its not me, but Im so angry with myself for looking at his emails and causing myself unnecessary pain . I even knew before I looked I was likely to see something that would knock me for six. Why did I look ? I hate the fact he's constantly in my head like a virus. I have not looked again, but am so scared of when he may contact me, which I believe he will . Im so scared of seeing that name flash up on my phone. I pray everyday for the strength not to check his emails again, or answer that phone if he calls. you guys give me strength though , thank you for being there. Just annoyed with myself I guess.