NC = No Closure

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#1 Feb 12 - 10AM
Maggster
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NC = No Closure

I'm not referring to No Contact I am referring to No Closure... I have been thinking about why the fuck can't I just let go, why is this so more difficult than any other relationship in which we went our separate ways? I have had relationships end in the past and yes, some were more difficult than others, but there was always CLOSURE. To end a relationship with a malignant narcissist one must abide by NC but accept also accept No Closure. This is so hard to do.

Feb 12 - 9PM
TNR1
TNR1's picture

I got closure on my own

I got closure on my own terms...not from the Narc. I used visual imagery to say "Good bye" the way I wanted to without having to deal with the Narcspeak and now I don't even ever want to hear from him.
Feb 12 - 6PM
Ophelia
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Attagirl Maggster!

Wonderful to see this evolution in your thinking, I find this so inspiring! No closure can be okay! Added benefit to no closure that occurs to me just now, at least in the case of mine who seems to reach out and try for it by way of apology/request for forgiveness, to show what an enlightened, magnanimous person he is, is that no closure means no closure for BOTH of us. A loose end. I do believe that he, as someone in his mid-sixties, will be haunted by the ramifications of what he has done for his remaining years. And that's okay by me. Maybe in his next life he will finally figure things out.
Feb 12 - 7PM (Reply to #22)
Maggster
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My N is in his 60's as well

My N is in his 60's as well and I have been reading about the aging narcissist. I don't think they will be haunted by their actions at all-they will, and this is the first time I have admitted this to myself, simply move on...We don't need closure, we need to move on as well. Thanks for your support Ophelia and I'm thinking of you as well. Stay strong!
Feb 12 - 7PM (Reply to #23)
Ophelia
Ophelia's picture

Aging narcs

Thank you, Maggster. I am loathe to spend any more time on him than I already have but I will look for some info on the aging narc, strictly for personal enrichment purposes. I only suggest that mine will be haunted because even during our good times he struck me as a haunted soul, by what I did not know then, but have a better idea now.
Feb 12 - 6PM
Maggster
Maggster's picture

I change my mind about needing closure...

and the reason for no closure, after thinking about this all bloody day, is because these bastards are never accountable for anything they do. I realized that for the past several months my constant arguments with my n were about his behaviors, lying, cheating etc. The whole relationship was a farse. There was never any substance to our relationship. He went from cheating on his wife, to cheating on both of us, to god only knows who else! When the OW and I connected she dropped him faster than the speed of light and suddenly, oh so suddenly, he loves me, he just never knew it and made the biggest mistake of his life. I change my mind- I do not need closure I need to commit firmly to NO CONTACT!
Feb 12 - 3PM
abusednomore
abusednomore's picture

i didnt find this site until

i didnt find this site until about 5months after the exnarc left me, I wish i had found it sooner as i too tried to get closure, and never once got it. I used to hear things from his friends and would ring and ring him, im sure he was getting off on seeing my name pop up on his phone! We never get closure but like so many have said, and why would we want it from the nasty pieces of work. Like many have said we r nothing to them once they hav left, they have already gone on to the next and we r just an inconvenience to them now! i believed my exnarc for months that he wasnt with an OW, turned out that the comment he put a week after he left on facebook saying "had the best night ever" was referring to a night he had with his now fiance!!!! but looking back i can remember him putting the exact same thing on facebook about a day out we had together whilst he was still married!!!! I too was an OW!!!!! and like me, i am sure the OW now will have the same path as me, only she got a ring, I got a house that we r arguing over!!! lol!!!! To get back to the point, we need to find closure ourselves and this takes time, i really think i only have developed this in the last month or so.xxxx
Feb 12 - 3PM
onwithmylife
onwithmylife's picture

maggster

As for closure, I tried to get it, no way, all i got were hate filled letters blaming me for everything except for being born, he will not to look within himself..sick SOB
Feb 12 - 2PM
ruby01 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Maggster

There is an upside to both NC and not seeking closure from them. No contact is a complete insult to them and never attempting to get closure from them makes their head spin. I was humiliated and degraded the last time I spent with him. The very following day and to this very day I have had to see him at least 3 times a week. I have never mentioned or looked for answers from him. It has been 8 months and I can see his frustration in not being given the chance to go for my jugular. With each encounter I can literally feel his desire to pounce if he is just given the chance. I have found closure alone, He is actually the one that has been thrown for a loop because the grenade he threw did not result in devastation. So realize NC as you define it in two separate ways is n fact the ultimate revenge. (I know we are not suppose to want revenge, but hey- It's pretty sweet!)
Feb 12 - 2PM (Reply to #17)
fooled no longer
fooled no longer's picture

i have never sought closure

i have never sought closure from him, i realised in the last months hewas a despicable human being and he would never get the chance again to eat at my table. Have you written a goodby letter it helps to close that door to your emotions. time is the healer, time, dont forget the bad times,mthe brain seems to remeber the good times and romanticise them.
Feb 12 - 12PM
fallingfoward
fallingfoward's picture

I was .....

able to confront the narc and the ow. It's never enought, the confrontation was still full of lies, to the ow and myself. Even though I know the truth (some of it),for awhile I still wanted to talk to him again, to confront him with more of his lies and to have him understand how he hurt me. But the more I've read, I realize he is not able to understand, nor does he cares, and if he acts like he cares it is for supply. The closure has to begin with yourself, you must close the door, they never will.
Feb 12 - 1PM (Reply to #15)
Maggster
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Slam the door!

I can relate to your last words and yes, I have closed the door with NC. Thanks really well said!
Feb 12 - 11AM
Hunter
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I Understand what you are

I Understand what you are feeling .. I used to feel the same.. However what kind of closure will you ever achieve from a lunatic.. NONE ! makes zero difference… the satisfaction you will get is the realization that you walked away from an abuser.. REMEMBER THIS MAN IS AN ABUSER.. That should sum things up pretty nicely to create closure.. Hunter
Feb 12 - 12PM (Reply to #13)
Maggster
Maggster's picture

He is an abuser!

You are so right-I feel more like myself little by little every day. There is closure for and that is No Contact!
Feb 12 - 10AM
Fearless
Fearless's picture

I'm feeling ya, sister

I was thinking this same thing...about past relationships...of course there was pain after it ended but I got better much faster, moved on much easier...I believe you hit the nail on the head. It's the lack of closure...our last chance to validate ourselves that we were in fact a worthy person and deserving of an apology and recognition of the love we gave to them so freely. Bastards! Well, in trying to find a way to take my mind off this lack of closure that I will never get from him, I was in need of a break, a method of rejuvenation. Here's a little snippit: Keep the fun and enjoyment Van Wilder from the movie of the same name said: “You shouldn’t take life too seriously. You’ll never get out alive.” No matter how difficult the circumstances, resolve to keep the fun and enjoyment in your life. Make a point to take a “mini-vacation” everyday; be it walking in the park, exercising, hugging a loved one, or taking a nice, hot bath. The more challenging and stressful life is, the more important it is to take good care of yourself so you can relax your body, ease your mind, and rejuvenate your spirit. After recharging your batteries, you may see the same situation in a different, more positive light. I know its not much, but it might help you feel better and take your mind off things. Calgon...take me away! -fefe

FeFe

Feb 12 - 10AM
Redhead
Redhead's picture

Maggster - I understand. I

Maggster - I understand. I asked him in a text one time for closure. He didn't respond. We just have to find a way to give it to ourselves.
Feb 12 - 10AM
alicepaul
alicepaul's picture

Give this a try.

Give yourself closure. Let him twist in the wind like you've been doing all this time.
Feb 12 - 10AM (Reply to #2)
Snowflake
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Maggster

What does closure involve? What would he be able to say to make it all better?
Feb 12 - 12PM (Reply to #3)
Ophelia
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Very good question!

I can't think of anything, come to think of it. Mine may eventually attempt to apologize, it's something he seems like to do with his discards, but since I have him blocked via email that message will never get through to me. And that's okay, because the path I am now committed to is about what I do and not what he does or does not do or say. My focus MUST be on me not him. Easier said than done with all these ghosts of him in my brain, but those ghosts only serve as extra proof that there is no time to waste wishing for or wanting something from him, that would be a distraction from the huge project (me) that I'm working on now. Nothing he could say or do would undo the damage that he's already inflicted so carelessly.
Feb 12 - 2PM (Reply to #6)
Ophelia
Ophelia's picture

And which 'him' would give closure?

The "nice" him who tries to say something nice to give closure? Who would only leave you desperately wanting the man who said he wanted you to be part of his life always back again? (Back to square one) The "true colours" poisonous N him? Who would only leave you spinning in circles over what happened to the nice him? (Back to square one) Or something in the middle, a clinical, aloof, time to move on him, who leaves you hungering for the old nice him? (Back to square one) Nope. Nothing he can do can provide the closure. It's got to come from within ourselves. We must be our own source of love, strength and wholeness.
Feb 12 - 2PM (Reply to #7)
Snowflake
Snowflake's picture

Ophelia exactly

And dont forget the N will not voluntarily cut off any NS..he may dissapear..but in his head he can come back anytime. Why would he close off a future option for a bit of old NS! And loved your further analysis of which N ..spot on food for thought, thank you hon x
Feb 12 - 2PM (Reply to #8)
Ophelia
Ophelia's picture

Most welcome

Oh, it's so helpful to be able to talk these things out here isn't it!! I am so grateful to have found this site and everyone here.
Feb 12 - 2PM (Reply to #9)
Snowflake
Snowflake's picture

Yes

I struggle with it not being a normal relationship..you know all the it was nice buts...I just got f'ing silent treatment, my worst abuse !! So like Maggster I would love closure x
Feb 12 - 2PM (Reply to #4)
Snowflake
Snowflake's picture

Ophelia

Nail on the head..these people can never give closure. If they have been crap/dicks throughout the relationship why do we all suddenly think they will be nice and create closure. Ok Maggster, turn it on the head, you are a Narc for a minute..why would you want to give closure, what would you get out of it as the N by giving lovely Maggster closure? Maggster you are normal..N is not x
Feb 12 - 9PM (Reply to #5)
narcissizednomore
narcissizednomore's picture

Good insight here. Thanks

Good insight here. Thanks ladies, I needed to hear all these views on NC and what it really means. I hope we are all winning!

narcissizednomore