NC breaker

I am a little disappointed with myself, I feel like I've had a relapse.

On Thursday in a moment of weakness (i.e. I wasn't being vigilant), I walked up to Narc who was standing talking to his psychologist colleagues to ask him a question about some person who may have been his patient. . .anyway this turned into a brief email. The next day, I ran into him and he said, "oh I have a case of yours" and we made some polite conversation, then later in the day - around 4 - he came by my cubicle and talked to me for 10 minutes about what he wanted to do with the case and oh. . .

first, I was trying to listen to his words but I just become so easily overwhelmed by him, and then next thing I know I am being clever and funny and trying to impress him.

Then when he left I got that same "charged up" feeling I always used to get and realized I STILL feel sexually attracted to him. I got out my laminated list that I keep in my wallet and read the 9 things I have listed that he did that were awful, but it didn't really help much.

There is some weird permeability of energy between the two of us. I literally feel "hyped up" and overstimulated after even a short encounter.

I am not interested in leaving my job, in fact even less so now b/c I am planning on starting graduate school and my job is stable and just about the right amount of work.

I know it sounds crazy, but I have a hard time ignoring him or being rude to him partly because I am just not good at that but also because I don't want him to dislike me, because I feel like he has this take no prisoners approach to everything and I'd rather he think that I like him. But then when I act like I do like him, I start liking him and stop thinking about how horribly he betrayed my trust.

I even start thinking things like, "oh maybe it was a just a big misunderstanding" and "oh, he's so pathetic and needs people to like him" and "oh, all his colleagues seem to like him" and "oh, see, he can't stay away from me either - this means he really does like me."

BUT i know that i am totally bullshitting myself. Because I KNOW he is f*cked up royally. And the only reason he wants to be around me is to see if I will put up with more BS behavior.

I don't know what I expect, maybe I am doing OK just keeping my little list and pretending to like him.

And, he did one thing that always bugs me where he referred to something I wasn't familiar with (an acronym) and then when I said, "what's that?" he rolled his eyes like I should know and it's obvious when there is no way I would know what he meant. He does that shit all the time and with a thousand little cuts puts me (and others) down.

Is it possible there is some hope here for me to develop appropriate boundaries with this guy? I think I am a little afraid of him and that is part of why I can't. And I am a little afraid of him because he is underhanded and I don't how to fight against that kind of sneakiness.

Thanks for listening, maybe I just needed to write this down. . .