NatalieEys's story

I am not naive, I am not deluded, I am not dishonest. It takes 2 to tango. I am at fault. This much is true. I am very critical. I expected a lot. A LOT! Too much. That wasn't fair. And when it didn't go my way (and it never did) I threw tantrums, I said things I shouldn't, I was mean. I told him to leave on many occasions. I didn't trust him. I made him sleep on the couch. I was bloody frustrated. I drank too much. I struggled to find forgiveness. I am responsible for this. I know it. I did want him to love me, to want me. Maybe I didn't give him a reason.

I have been reading. A little knowledge is a dangerous thing they say. I have been studying narcissism and passive agressive behaviours. Something was wrong. Something wasn't normal. Maybe it was me?

It all happened so fast. I had moved interstate at the tender age of 23. How ironic! I was alone, lonely, knew no one, was unhappy in my job and questioning my career. I met him in a shop. His boss was chatting to me about meeting men. "Take A here. 30 and he's got no one. He's a bit quiet though and it's the quiet ones you have to watch out for." He leaned back in his chair, and smiled, hands behind his head. I liked what I saw. I got daring. I thought about it and sent him a rose saying, "maybe I like the ones you have to watch out for" and added my number. Oh boy! It was going to be the story we told our grandchildren. Major cringe moment. Eughahahaha blah!

He wouldn't leave me alone. I didn't like him. We shared some interests but there was something. I can't even remember what. But he wore me down. Then he started sleeping over, but I wanted him to go. I let him. I had no boundaries. I did this.

We were engaged within 5 weeks of meeting. My feelings HAD changed. I'm sure they did. They did, right? I didn't just marry someone I didn't love, did I? I'm sure I remember ringing him in the early hours of the morning saying I was hooked. I know that happened. Love, or lust, or not feeling lonely anymore. Did I do this?

He never really conversed with me. He never really shared with me. 19 years later and I talk with my girls about how we know nothing about him as a child. I never knew his dreams. He seemed to pick up hobbies and interests in line with whoever he was spending the most time with. We never argued. At first I thought we were charmed because there was no anger or arguments. But then it started making me feel uncomfortable. It didn't seem right. Then I thought there was something wrong with me for wanting him to argue with me. No discussion. The 'yes' man. Was I set up?

He never initiated sex. That was me, all me, right from day one. He never seemed interested, he wasn't very good, even after 19 years! A lazy 'lover'. Too much effort. He didn't want to kiss me either that first time. That's when I should have shut the door. I thought he was sweet and innocent. He never said hey lets do this, lets go here. He agreed with EVERYTHING I said. He was happy to help me fulfil my dreams, they were supposedly the same as his. They never came true, I don't even remember what they were. He didn't give me presents, he never seemed sorry. I felt he was punishing me, though never understood for what. And he was never angry so I couldn't even tell you why I felt that way. I knew something was wrong. I knew it wasn't normal.

He didn't have friends. We rarely socialised. That was one of my biggest laments. He was arrogant with my family and friends. But always so nicely behaved. He never said a nasty word to me. He was not violent. He was a good dad. He never told me how he felt. He never discussed, opened up. If he was upset or angry with me, his life, our marriage, I never knew it. He never had his own point of view. He lied and cheated. He stopped paying bills and set up secret loans when threatened with court. He lied so easily it made me wonder. He became "bored lonely 40 guy" moments after my 3rd baby was born. He had another life that didn't involve me or the kids. He was bored and lonely!

Before he finally left, physically left, he told me he was always a loner and didn't know how to be married. He told me that when we met he THOUGHT we had the same morals and values. I really questioned where I had gone wrong. He blamed my trust issues on the demise of our marriage. He blamed me for not letting him have a credit card. He blamed me for 'making' him sell his camera when photography was his passion! I just never noticed....sorry!

He blamed me for drinking too much. He blamed me for having sex with him before marriage, he was not brought up to believe in that. Perhaps he was brought up instead to root around in front of his teenage daughters and get some 23 year old pregnant while he was still married to me? He told me all those little fuck ups he had always done, the not doing anything I asked him to do, the making mistakes and not doing things quite right, he'd done those on purpose, deliberately to get even with me. Our marriage was all too much effort for him. He blamed my daughter for telling him what she thought, he was going to sue her for defamation. She is 16. He has never said sorry. He told my 10 year old she should be happy for him, his 22 year old and their new baby. He has called her 4 times in 5 months.

I thought I had cancer. He was there, but not there for me during the testing. I wanted him to hold me. He was in another room on the computer. His computer was glued to his lap. I had trouble at work and he just rolled his eyes throughout my turmoil. I had success and joy and happiness in my new job, he already had someone else.

I don't drink anymore. I just don't need to. Maybe my drinking enabled him. Maybe it was me? Maybe now that he's not bringing home bottles of red every night I don't even think about it. Now that he's not bringing home junk food and rubbish every time I tell him I need to go on a diet, I am losing weight. Now that he is not going out and spending money on stupid useless gadgets we don't need, I am saving money and not having financial worries. Now that I can pleasure myself whenever I feel like it my love life is so much more satisfying!

I don't feel rage anymore. I do not throw temper tantrums anymore. I get everything done, I am very self reliant. Was I just trying to get rid of him? To push him away? Am I the narc really? I am better he is gone. So are my girls. Have I let them down or set them free.

Maybe it WAS me?