Narc's back

23 posts / 0 new

#1 Dec 9 - 5PM

Alisa

Narc's back

So... my narc is back.

Ever since I started NC (without ever causing a scene, I just "withdrew" silently) 10 months ago I heard from him about once every 2 months. There was minimal contact (I only responded to a couple of emails or texts but never let it lead to anything)

Then, a few weeks ago he called and left a message on my machine saying he was in town more frequently now and if I wanted to hang out that weekend. I never called back, only send him an email telling him I was busy. That's it.
He replied to the email saying he'd call me the next day, which he didn't do and honestly, which I didn't care about at all.

About a week later (last night) he sent me an invitation to his annual holiday party, which I attended last year and which started things again last year. I hadn't even decided whether or not to reply to that.

Then he called tonight and I decided to pick up just because I am so over him. I didn't do this on purpose but he could hear that I was on the computer while talking to him, so unintentionally I think I pissed him off by not giving him my full attention -lol.
In any case he asked me if I had plans tomorrow. I said "yup" without explaining anything. He asked how I was and I remained monosyllabic and just said I had lots of work to do.
So after a bit (he asked if he'd see me at his holiday party and I lied and said I didn't know if I was around during the holidays) he was like "Well, I'm gonna let you go" and then added that he was planning on going to the spa tomorrow, which means that he had planned to ask me to go to the spa with him (which is what he did last year and that's how we got back together because in my country the spa involves nakedness and last year him taking me to the spa was all about seducing me and him walking around naked displaying his private parts).
I mean, seriously?

Of course, knowing that he's a narc I am not THAT surprised but then I can't believe he is actually trying to get me the same way he did last year!

I've suspected that he has not had any OW for a while.

I am not worried that he could win me over again because I am so over him. I have just been thinking about the situation of him contacting me for a while.

I used to be all against drama and stuff (because I knew I couldn't win) and then I thought for a while that we could be friends but then I realized that I can never be friends with him because I wouldn't be able to be myself around him anymore. So what's the point then?
Also, I really don't care about him as a person any longer although I am sometimes curious about his love-life (it doesn't hurt me anymore at all, I am completely over him)
I've stayed friends with most of my exes so I guess it has felt unnatural not staying friends with him.

So I guess now it's more about do I tell him not to contact me anymore or do I just keep saying no to all his attempts?
It is completely out of the question for me and him to hang out as friends. That's over.

I am not so much looking for advice here because I know this is a choice I will have to make myself. I just wanted to get it out and also to share that yes, all narcs do come back eventually.
And I know he'd D&D me if I let him any nearer.
I guess what makes this easy for me is that I am really over him and also currently have very strong feelings for someone else (even though they are one-sided so far).

What a pathetic loser.

My best friend said "how sick is that" when I told her he wanted to go to the sauma with me. I replied. He IS sick.

#2 Dec 11 - 2PM

Alisa

Taking a deep breath Did

*Taking a deep breath* Did it. After talking to a friend of mine who knows me really well and after spending the past 24 hours thinking about this, I am determined to go through with this. I sent the narc a short email telling him that a friendship with him wasn't possible for me and that we had completely different expectations as far as friendships are concerned. Then I thanked him for his invitation and told him I wouldn't come. That's it. I clicked "send" and am now prepared to deal with the consequences, which will either be 1) silence from him (fine with me) 2) some response from him (which I am not going to respond to) I also turned off my phone now in case he decides to call me after he gets the email. I will not pick up the phone if he calls. (I also need to replace his picture on the caller ID as I have noticed it triggers me - need to find something like a smiley face giving the finger or something along those lines) I will take a relaxing bath now and hopefully start a narc free life tomorrow. My heart is beating faster than it should but I am glad about this decision and determined to stay NC. Thanks for all your input the past 24 hours. It helped me organize my thoughts and focus on what needed to be done.

#3 Dec 11 - 3AM

Alisa

Quick update: Just got a long

Quick update: Just got a long email from him. Blabla, how are you etc. telling me about what's new at the spa (I used to love going there with him last winter! I really hope to be able to go there with a friend or hopefully my next partner in the future, for now it's off-limits!) and so on and ending it with "Hope to see you soon" Yeah. Some action is needed (meaning some action from my part, whether it's emailing him "no" once for all or making NC 100%) I'll keep you posted. But I will NOT !!!!!!!!! see him, no matter how strong I am feeling.

#4 Dec 11 - 1AM

empath

Alisa

Alisa, please wake up. He D&D'd you and you didn't even notice. Look at what you wrote: "He was like "Well, I'm gonna let you go" and then added that he was planning on going to the spa tomorrow, which means that he had planned to ask me to go to the spa with him (which is what he did last year and that's how we got back together because in my country the spa involves nakedness and last year him taking me to the spa was all about seducing me and him walking around naked displaying his private parts)." 'I'm gonna let you go" is such a passive aggressive way of ending a conversation, don't you agree? What jumped out at me from your post was your arriving at an interpretation of what he said, without considering any other possibilities. How can you be so sure he was going to ask you to the spa? Did it ever occur to you that he might have been rubbing your nose in the dirt, with the thought that he might be going to the spa to wave his naked junk around and see what else he could pick up? After all, if that worked to catch you, surely it has and it will work to catch others. You are reading into things and not being honest with yourself. You are not NC if you are still emailing him and taking his calls and responding to him. Why not just go NC and stay NC and be done with him? You're not over him, and at this far out...you can only look to yourself to make it stop. You are instead encourwging this guy by continuing to engage with him, and you arer not over him, if you are till hanging on to see how fqr he will go and what he will do next. Be honest with yourself. You said so many times in your post that you were over him, it seemed like a case of "methinks the lady doth protest too much"...are you still trying to convince yourself that you are over him? Because clearly you are not over him, qnd aren't going to be unless you go NC and stay NC.

#5 Dec 11 - 3AM (Reply to #20)

Alisa

Just a few thoughts: By "I am

Just a few thoughts: By "I am over him" I mean that I have no desire whatsoever to ever get back together with him and that I have no romantic feelings for him left. I admit he still IS on my mind a lot - obviously, or I wouldn't be posting here talking about him. The fact that he is so much on my mind still is bothering me too. Also, there are definitely days when instead of indifference I am feeling anger. "I'm gonna let you go" wasn't really what he said, just an approximate (and shortened) translation of what he said. Him and I communicate in another language (which is my mother tongue) so things cannot be rendered 100%. He made it sound like he ended the conversation because "I was busy" (on the computer), which I wasn't but I surely am not gonna stop him from ending a call that lasted 5 minutes tops. Your thoughts about the spa are interesting, because see, maybe he did ask someone else to go with him, maybe he wanted me to regret telling him I was busy, but the fact is that I didn't think about those things because I truly don't care. What I do agree on with you is that the fact he's still on my mind clearly means something _ I am aware of that and that'S what I need to be working on.

#6 Dec 10 - 9PM

Deidre40

ANY dialogue. ANY ...makes

ANY dialogue. ANY ...makes them feel alive. Makes them feel paid attention to. I know you're over him. If so, then ignore him...and like a fly at a picnic, he'll fly away. Seriously, no more 'leave me alone' emails. Silence is our friend. Silence sends a message--I'm done, but if you insist on communicating, I'm not replying. Silence doesn't let them in. In any way. It is hard for us empaths to shut people out, but I have found silence to truly be golden. To be a lifesaver, and a sanity preserver. Use silence here. You have done beautifully, seriously...very inspiring. You sound so happy and strong. And most importantly, at peace. CONTINUE SILENCE AND MAINTAIN YOUR PEACE. If you keep engaging, even if it's as simple as ...'hey, we're done here. Stop emailing me.' As strange as it is, they don't get it. So, just go silent. And let him realize you're over him, without you using words. Frankly, the mere thought of even emailing my ex N after nearly 7 months of NC, just makes me wanna puke. Nothing says you're over him, like your silence.

#7 Dec 11 - 3AM (Reply to #18)

Alisa

True... It is hard for me to

True... It is hard for me to shut people out, it really is and has always been. The other thing... I have never told him that he hurt me or what an ass he was. AT the time the second D&D happened I knew better not to. He was already turning around everything I was saying and being super manipulative. Also he had JUST fallen in "love" with OW so it was totally pointless because his ego was that of a superhero. I've also NEVER told him to leave me alone. I just withdrew without any scene. Part of me really feels the need to tell him that no, this is not how you do things and no, you don't just show up after months as if nothing had happened. I am past yelling, just want to tell him calmly and matter of factly

#8 Dec 10 - 6PM

Journey

I understand your situation

I understand your situation very well, mine is similar. We were in business together and I could not go NC and instead have slowly (and quietly) extrapolated myself from anything to do with him. For all intense purposes, he thinks we're still friends and I have not told him different. Mine lives in another town, does not ever try to 'win' me back and seldom contacts me for any reason other than business, so I haven't had to openly state these boundaries. I sometimes wonder why I haven't been more clear with him, about NOT being friends any more and I think it has something to do with power and validation for me. Contact does equal pain, but like you, I am well out of the fog and don't really care anymore, though I can still be triggered which likely you can be too, or you probably wouldn't have started this thread. Anyway, I can see from your writing that it isn't about going back to him that you posted, but more about why you don't cut the connection off completely. I wonder the same about me (even though in my case there are still reasons minimal contact is necessary, I haven't been honest with him about why I NEVER contact him about anything I don't absolutely have to). The best I can figure it is that I enjoy knowing something he doesn't, seeing his narc ways in action without him realizing I see them... it helps validate my conclusions about him now and it helps me not to care anymore. I can ONLY do this because I am so far removed from the love story now. I do not think it is wise if it isn't necessary to have minimal contact and I would never recommend it helpful. NC is a much better way to heal and remain in a happier trigger-free state of mind. But, like you, it is weird for me to tell him I feel this way. Some emotional control they still have over us, left from our experiences perhaps? Not sure, but I hope you will NOT entertain the idea of seeing him or even speaking with him. Email is a WAY safer form of communication if you must tell him anything. I know for me it is best to avoid his calls and only reply (if I have to) through email.

Journey on...

#9 Dec 11 - 3AM (Reply to #15)

Alisa

OMG, this is EXACTLY how I

OMG, this is EXACTLY how I feel! "The best I can figure it is that I enjoy knowing something he doesn't, seeing his narc ways in action without him realizing I see them... it helps validate my conclusions about him now and it helps me not to care anymore." I have felt like that many times!! These are exactly my thoughts! Your entire message sounds a LOT like what my thoughts are. Exactly what I am wondering about these days. Some minimal contact has been necessary because we have some common connection but I don't really need to maintain the contact, it's not as necessary as in your situation. Even though I will definitely run into him sooner or later. I am absolutely certain that he still thinks we are friends. I too have never told him otherwise, except I have refused to hang out with him for the past 10 months. That's why I feel I should let him know that I don't want to be friends and that he shouldn't contact me anymore. Make a clean cut for myself. Journey, are you also someone who has a hard time doing these drastic steps out of fear you might later regret them? (like, cutting all ties, not necessarily with the narc, I mean more generally)

#10 Dec 11 - 5PM (Reply to #16)

Journey

Yes Alisa - but not sure :)

Not really sure if it is because of a fear of regret... but maybe. I just have a hard time feeling certain I know the truth of others' intentions and motivations to confront them as if fact and instead prefer to just stop walking over those bridges, rather than burn them down. Since minimal contact has been necessary, (though less frequent now than ever before TG!), it simply has not felt beneficial to say anything to narc, but that only works because he DOESN'T email 'friendly' greetings, nor does he ever suggest we 'hang out' or express any desire to see me, tell me about his personal life or flirt. In your case, your narc IS doing these things so you might have to speak up in order to make him shut up - but if so, do by email so he can't influence what you'd say or manipulate the conversation. Or you could just ignore and delete, if that is an actual option - lol! Journey on...

Journey on...

#11 Dec 10 - 9AM

Layla

Choices

"So I guess now it's more about do I tell him not to contact me anymore or do I just keep saying no to all his attempts?" If you know he is sick, and if you know you don't have any feelings for him and if you know allowing him back into your life only causes more pain and chaos and lies and manipulations, why wouldn't you just tell him not to contact you anymore? Not telling him is only game playing. He thinks he has an "in" somewhere and he will look for that "in".....the holiday party won't work, the spa idea won't work, what else will he try that MIGHT work with you? Just my take on this Alisa. There IS a reason why somewhere within yourself is not saying, "This PD really, really hurt me and this PD mistreated me. I don't deserve that from ANYONE. I am going to tell this PD NOT to contact me ever again, and I am going to block this abuser from my life once and for all". You're right. Our life is about choices. Make the right choice for Alisa. love~ Layla

#12 Dec 10 - 9AM (Reply to #13)

Alisa

"If you know he is sick, and

"If you know he is sick, and if you know you don't have any feelings for him and if you know allowing him back into your life only causes more pain and chaos and lies and manipulations, why wouldn't you just tell him not to contact you anymore?" That is exactly what I have been thinking about for the past few weeks. Why is it so hard for me? "Not telling him is only game playing." Maybe that's what it is. Maybe part of me wants to see him try or see how far he will go. I know I have some friends who wouldn't have a second thought about it and just tell him to f*** off. I also have some friends who would let him right back in (and who I am not asking for advice this very moment - lol!) Your thoughts on this, Layla, are extremely helpful. I sometimes forget what an ass he was (because it's not hurting anymore) and what nerve he has even contacting me. I am pretty determined to let him know I don't want any contact with him, just need some more time..... getting there... ;)

#13 Dec 10 - 8AM

Goldie

Your words

"Of course, knowing that he's a narc I am not THAT surprised but then I can't believe he is actually trying to get me the same way he did last year!" You can't believe that he is actually trying to get you the same way he did last year??? Did it work??? Did he "GET YOU" last year??? He is doing again what worked last year because it worked. The only difference this year is that he ended up treating you badly and that worked too because..... the message YOU are sending out LOUDLY this year is... IF you treat me badly, I will take you back when you pull the same phoney manipulative rountine that you did last year to suck me in. And guess what??? People show you who they are, they show you what they are all about, believe them and..... He will treat you badly again next year because 2012 is right around the corner. Only, next year he will treat you even worse because you have shown him that you do not respect yourself enough to say NO NO NO to being with an abusive man. Your choice; your call. He HAS NOT NOT NOT changed, you need to change what you let into your life in order to have a better life. We all on here know, that this is not easy, that this is difficult for you to change your pattern here. No one said that is is easy to get them out. You are fooling yourself if you think that things are going to be better; different, because a leopard does not change its spots. God bless, Goldie

#14 Dec 10 - 8AM (Reply to #11)

Alisa

Wait, I am confused now...

Wait, I am confused now... who said I am even going to see him or anything? NOT planning on doing any of that. NO desire for him whatsoever or to get close to him (neither as friend nor anything else)

#15 Dec 10 - 7AM

Hunter

What advice are you looking

What advice are you looking for?? You are dealing with a crazy person., yes a crazy person..would you communicate with Ted Bundy?? He is manipulating you at every turn . Your talking to him and your confused again.. Why give yourself anxiety?? Life is hard enough .. Why add unnecessary problems to it.. He is one big unnecessary problem.. Hunter

#16 Dec 10 - 7AM (Reply to #7)

Alisa

I don't know who Ted Bundy is

I don't know who Ted Bundy is but I get your message. :) "Life is hard enough .. Why add unnecessary problems to it.. He is one big unnecessary problem.." True. OK, maybe this is a totally dumb question but if I want to tell him that I don't want to hang out with him or be friends, should I tell him over the phone or through an email? (not letting him know is not an option for me for various reasons) I thought of the possibility of him not answering my email (if I sent him one) and I could live with not getting an answer.

#17 Dec 10 - 8AM (Reply to #8)

Hunter

Google Ted Bundy.. Because

Google Ted Bundy.. Because any who doesn't know who is needs to. We are all dealing with a Ted Bundy.. Second ... Contact = Pain.. He left you, hurt you, etc.. Did he explain himself? Life is about choices.. Hunter

#18 Dec 10 - 8AM (Reply to #9)

Alisa

Actually, he did explain

Actually, he did explain himself the first time. Kind of want to throw aback the same explanation at him I am aware that this is about choices - choices I have to make eventually (see original post) Thanks for your advice, I know I've got to figure this out for myself now

#19 Dec 9 - 7PM

ruby01 (not verified)

Alisa

I'd stop talking to him all together. He's not going to be your friend so it's pointless.

#20 Dec 10 - 6AM (Reply to #5)

Alisa

That's what I am thinking

That's what I am thinking too. Not sure what's keeping me from following through. Definitely something wrong with my psyche I guess.

#21 Dec 9 - 7PM

Sparrow

If you are confident in your

If you are confident in your strength and your feelings of indifference, than you could probably speak with him and feel nothing one way or the other. I wouldn't recommend this to most, but you know yourself better than anyone and who are we to judge? Again, I would hardly recommend anyone to speak to their disordered "monkeys", because as Hunter says Contact=Pain.............but if you are truly over him and want to rely on being civil to keep yourself true to you, have at it. The best thing to say to him however, is not to be wishy-washy about his invites etc..........just simply say, "Thank you for the invite, but I honestly don't want to". Me personally, at this point in the game, have no desire to have any contact with either of my narcs. But I get it, i, like you, have remained friends with every one of my ex-boyfriends, or at least have remained civil. But than again, none of them did to me what these two did to me, and with that said, they are honestly not worthy of hearing my voice, let alone having my company. :)

#22 Dec 10 - 6AM (Reply to #2)

Alisa

Thanks for your thoughts. I

Thanks for your thoughts. I think you understand. Maybe me still wanting contact means I am not over him? Who knows. You are right that I should tell him I don't want to hang out or go to his party or whatever. I guess the reason I haven't done so in the past is because I wanted to avoid provoking a discussion with that answer - a discussion I couldn't win. I once told him "no" a few months back when he asked me to have dinner with him. (Actually I wrote "Are you for real??") What followed was some blabla about how we have known each other for too long not to remain friends. After a couple of emails back and forth I ceased to reply because it was pointless. AS far as Contact=Pain I'll think about that some more. For me contact doesn't equal pain anymore at this point but it does equal thinking about him and it also does equal some sort of negative energy. Also, like I said before: how can I maintain contact without ultimately getting hurt? Meaning: if I don't let him affect me, contact will be shallow and ultimately pointless. If I let him in (which I know I can't and won't) he would D&D me for sure So yeah, pointless. Just have to find the strength to say no once and for all probably.

#23 Dec 11 - 4AM (Reply to #3)

Kyra_blue

I've heard so many stories of

I've heard so many stories of women who thought that they were 'over it' and then, when the n came back round, they thought they were 'over him enough' that they could speak. Each and every story has ended in pain because- as it is- they were only trying to convince themselves that they were 'over it.' If you are over him, block him. If you are over him, let that door close with a silent creak and bolt it on the other side. But, if you still continue contact- think about it- what are YOU getting out of this? Are you thinking you can convince him that you are over him? Is this about vindication? Think about it- where does YOUR ego come into this? Is this about stating boundaries? Or is this some deeper message- that some connection that you have not severed? You are nothing but a mere cat toy to him. He's low on supply. He's transient- he's in between cons. You are worth more than that.

Path Forward Buy Now Reviews
All About Her Buy Now Reviews
All About Him Buy Now Reviews