Narcs and single moms

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#1 Jan 18 - 2PM

safyre99

Narcs and single moms

I read a posting on another forum and someone made the comment "what is it about narcissists and single moms?" and I was wondering if anyone knows something about that. My exN broke up with me and now he's dating someone who is a single mom. Do you think Ns feel they have power and can swoop in and "save the day" and be the perfect "step dad" and be a better boyfriend / husband than the ex-husband ever was? Or maybe it fulfills a need for "family" that may be lacking. There could be no correlation at all to narcissism and Ns gravitating towards single moms but thought I'd throw the question out there.

#2 Jan 25 - 10PM

Amazed

So they can move in, play fake dad, and have friends for kids

Its a good front. A free place to live. Home cooked meals by single mom, kids from divorce get other kids to play with off his back so he can go screw around with multitude of others. Mom at home will be just that. Mom at home. Waiting patiently. Blind.

#3 Jan 25 - 9PM

fierflie

YES, YES!!

they absolutely seem to do this!! Mine was constantly looking for single moms. At the time i was just thinking he was hoping to get near teenagers, but now realize it was about being a hero, just like you said... mine got me when was totally desperate and in need.

#4 Jan 22 - 10PM

Susan32

Children as property

I had a Narc coworker who refused to pay child support for the two kids he fathered with his ex-wife. He was so bitter about it. He tried to dodge responsibility. He'd sob about how his ex-wife was "robbing" him. Even my Narc boss had enough and told him that he wouldn't be paying out of his check if he had kept his pants on. His children were total brats. They'd run around the nursing home. They'd demand that lemons had to be cut a certain way. Though his coworker was a cook, I found myself looking after his kids. This Narc coworker said he didn't want any more kids, and would talk endlessly about getting a vasectomy. But he panicked at the last minute, afraid it would render him impotent (he was also massively obese)... and forced his wife to get her tubes tied. Because he chickened out. His wife has a son from a previous relationship, and he'd brag about how he was teaching his now adoptive son about lying, cheating on drug tests, etc. He also expected his foster son to wait on him. He spoke of the adoption as if he were getting a new car.

#5 Jan 23 - 6AM (Reply to #24)

helldweller

a child or a new car?

Susan, people would ask my narc if he wouldn't be upset if and when the foster child went back home, and he would answer: "I guess so. It's like when you find a puppy and then the owner wants it back. You get attached." He also said, after the child came, that he was waiting to see "how it worked out with" the foster child before we had our own children. I guess he was waiting to see if the kid had any problems from his mom's drug addiction. If so, he'd send him back and get a new one.

#6 Jan 30 - 4PM (Reply to #25)

Susan32

Treating children as possessions

Your ex-N saw his foster child as a possession, to cater to HIS needs, and sad to say, he sees his foster child no differently than he saw you. As something without needs or wants of its own, just an "it." The former Narc coworker would gloat when his foster son brought him sodas, milkshakes, at work... but didn't look out for him. He bragged about having such obedient children. The kids he had with his ex-wife were total brats... they didn't choose their father, and he set a self-indulgent example. He'd even tell me how he was going to die young. He was about 400 pounds. With every step, he'd be huffing and gasping. Your Narc totally lacks connection to his own child, just as he lacked a connection with you.

#7 Jan 20 - 8AM

helldweller

the children they left behind

I heard stories about these, too. The children he left behind because the mom was so "impossible to be with." Twenty years later he was still talking about the baby his ex fiancee had been raising (after her sister died) when they broke up. "That was the worst thing about the breakup--leaving that baby. I was so attached to her." I always wondered about this. Did he actually leave the woman BECAUSE of the baby she had to take in? Is the foster child some bizarre connection to that whole episode?

#8 Jan 19 - 9PM

Scotchy71

My ex

My ex narc told me a "tale" of the last woman who broke his heart...couldn't possibly be the other way around....He dated her online for 8 months and she had 2 kids, lives in Canada, he in the US. So he gives up his government job, sells his house and moves to Canada to be with her. His mother told me he stayed in a hotel the whole time he was there (?) but told me he bought her a house and moved in with her. 6 weeks after he moved in, he came home one day and she'd changed all the locks on the house and put up a note telling him to go home, never contact her again, do not call, do not email and do not text ever again....WHY?????? Of course he did everything to "try to find out why", so bombarded her with contact to which she never replied. So he contacted her mother to find out why and her mother said, "You never showed her you cared".....all he could see was that he'd sacrificed everything for her but would have seen that as the only effort he ever had to make. He wouldn't understand that emotionally caring for someone is important. He did tell me that he didn't want kids, wouldn't be a good father - only truth he's every spoken! Oh, apparently she contacted him after a year and he told her she had 2 minutes....she hummed and hahed and he said, "Goodbye" and that was it......sure it was! When I was with him, he would talk about her all the time...clearly still very angry and that was 9 years ago!!!

#9 Jan 18 - 5PM

blueeyes

Yes, and admitted it too.

He told me "when I met you and the kids I felt great, your Ex was a nutcase and I took comfort in helping the 3 of you." I was shocked at the admission. Like B said, kids are smarter. My oldest LOVED him(only at 1st, then quickly hated him), but my youngest, ut uhh. She hated him and he won her over within a few months. In fact, she is now a clone of his and the golden child (even over his biological) children. She has major Cognitive Diss as we speak. She has been a bear since I went NC. Not only did he use the kids as supply, he favored one over 4. The one's that don't bow down before him, have no purpose in his life. Mine would TRY to disguise this by telling me "she is so ignorant and needs more discipline." In reality, he was speaking about my oldest who never causes trouble. I wish I could warn every single Mom out there so I can save her children.

#10 Jan 18 - 5PM (Reply to #19)

strongerthanever

My exNarc son was the

My exNarc son was the prince. Everything was around him. Even going out to dinner but, my son and I have allergies to food. So, when he let his son pick (at 5 & 6 yrs old) where we were going to eat, my son and I couldn't eat that stuff. so, my exNarc would get all pissed and blame my son for controlling the situation. No matter how many times I tried to explain, he said he was doing it on purpose and to control. I feel for your kids blueeyes. I hope your girl gets out of it too! I'm sure my exNarc felt he was rescuing me in some way. I had a troubled teen who did not like him at all and gave me trouble in the beginning of dating. Then my son who didn't bow down either. When I would talk to the Narc about his kids behavior towards me and my son, it was our fault. I was always being told I was not consistent. Yeah, at times I wasn't. But, he was worse with his kid. I could time how long the begging and giving in would occur. I'm sure with his new childbride, he came in as a good hero. YOu see, right after our breakup, his own mother and sister told him that he was an asshole, eact words, for how he treated my son. So, if I was to guess, he put himself in a situation which voided that thought or guilt and view from his family. Now they will see him as being a great stepdad to these two little girls. Erase, Erase the memory of how he treated my son for 3 yrs. Now everyone is happy! Do you think that will last?

#11 Jan 20 - 5PM (Reply to #20)

blueeyes

strongerthanever

Do I think the happiness will last? HELL YEA. If we are educated on what exactly happened to us and we deal with it properly, the kids have such respect. GO MOM! lol As long as we truly MOVE ON and NEVER look back. Our kids will persevere. I mean, not overnight or anything but eventually. Healthy minds can DO ANYTHING... I feel for you too....

#12 Jan 18 - 3PM

gettinbetter

Its about vulnerability. It

Its about vulnerability. It has nothing to do with saving the day or needing a family. Honestly I think most narcs find children a nuisance. Also as they get older it becomes harder to find women who don't have kids but at the endof the day its about VULNERABILITY.

#13 Jan 18 - 7PM (Reply to #17)

Amazed

Yes, they see their kids as second

Horrible attribute for a father,,,not to mention if you are with them good luck getting child support. Didn't have any kids with the N,,,woman before has to raise two teenagers on her own,,,he gives NO CHILD SUPPORT to her AFTER DIVORSE!!!! God I feel for her....

#14 Jan 18 - 7PM (Reply to #16)

Susan32

Narcs find children a nuisance...

That is SO TRUE! The ex-Psych professor would say he'd be fed up with me if I were pregnant with his child, because Prince Andrei in "War and Peace" is fed up with his wife Lise... because she's pregnant. Prince Andrei thinks his wife is "preoccupied with trivialities" because she's concerned about her health and her unborn child. Prince Andrei rants about how getting close to a woman means seeing how empty they all are... and he says he made this discovery recently (after learning his wife is pregnant) Ns/Ps are simply overgrown children. That's why they envy children so much. The ex-P threw public fits because I was volunteering at a local elementary school. He'd berate me for it. It was odd after the D&D that much was made of the fact that the ex-P's parents were raising his twins.. and the ex-P and the OW, who produced the children in the first place, were treated as non-existent. You'd think the twins were orphans, that their grandparents had to raise them.

#15 Jan 18 - 5PM (Reply to #10)

Briseis

Single mothers are pretty

Single mothers are pretty vulnerable for sure. And the kids may appear to be sources of supply. When my exNarc and I got together, my kids were sixteen and thirteen. They were much smarter than I was, and did not fall at his feet and fawn all over him. He did not like that at all. His response was to pull out all the stops and display rejection and contempt for them. They left home, one at 17 and the other at 16. And I stayed another four years, without them. I think inevitably, unless the unusual occurs and the Narc is able to really pull off getting the kids to love him (I have seen that, too), they drive the kids off. The kids are incidental and disposable to the narc, and most narcs aren't even capable of enough conscience to avoid a woman with children because they don't want kids bothering them.

#16 Jan 18 - 6PM (Reply to #11)

gettinbetter

Yes

One of my friends that I met on here says that she thinks the narc is not done with me. He is laying low possibly for a period of years until my daughter is older and I become less "complicated" and thats when he is gonna move in for the kill. The Narc actually even said to me S you are not going to abandon your daughter I know you wont. That statement right there gave me a clue as to what was going on in his mind. I wanted to say why would I have to abandon her to be with you? I dont think he even realized what he had said as he had always told me he wanted to be a part of her life. Every now and then the masters of disguise screw up and show their true intentions. He wants nothing to do with her he just wants 100 percent of my focus. Dont know if I subscribe to that. I believe he has given me the final discard but we all know its never final unless we make it final

#17 Jan 18 - 7PM (Reply to #12)

anonymous

A Brief Moment of Truth

You guys who have been here for a while know my story. The fact is that the ExN targeted me, knowing I was married and have a child, and then dumped me because I have a child. But didn't Man Up and say that it just wouldn't work out between us - he had to dangle the "someday when your child is grown perhaps we can get back together but I'm not interested in investing in the romantic relationship now (but we can be best friends in the interim!)" line. (Looking back on this now - what a load of crap!). But anyway - in a brief moment of truth, he actually came out and said that he couldn't deal with the fact that I had to divert my attention from him and that my daughter would cause me to lose focus on him. He said that he coudln't be with me if he couldn't have me all to himself. That was probably the most honest thing he ever said, amidst a whole bunch of manipulative, half-truths.

#18 Jan 25 - 8PM (Reply to #13)

becsta777

Morty

My narc actually hit on me while I was pregnant and married, and then when my relationship broke up he swooped in and offered to 'help' me and look after me. Even though I didn't feel it, I must've had a big neon sign above my head saying "VULNERABLE". He made all kinds of promises and then after my son was born, just lost interest and took off...although didnt do a final D&D until he'd borrowed money from me and didnt want to pay it back. Since him, I've been targeted by quite a few narc types, even some guys I've known for years have turned predatorial and I've had to disengage from them. That was the hardest part because I wasnt sure if I was paranoid or not... Thats the difference between Narcs and normal people, normal people have control over themselves, they know that messing with a vulnerable woman is inhumane and bad for the soul, but Narcs just love it! Its too easy and the feeling of power boosts their constantly fluctuating self esteem. I know my narc left me 'fat' and happy on my energy. Its been a big eye opener to realise that being a single mum is kind of scary, I mean...we are targeted by predators and its a reality - not just something you see in the movies. In the wild, predators seek out the weakest in the pack and essentially, I have no protector. Kind of makes me want to take up kick boxing now....

#19 Jan 27 - 8AM (Reply to #14)

anonymous

Bec - You Could Look at It Another Way

I agree that messing with someone vulnerable is inhumane. I think it goes deeper with these creeps though. They have this sick habit of going after the person who represents what they want in life but don't have the guts, strength, cajones to make it happen for themselves. In my case, I have so many qualities that the ExN wants to have himself. Plus, I feel things very deeply. He is shallow. He cannot truly feel. So he tries to live vicariously through others - the people who have what he wishes he had. Envy (jealousy) is one of the few emotions a Cluster B feels deeply. So I was targeted not only for the things about me that make me a strong person, I was also targeted for the fact that I have a child AND for the fact that I can show my vulnerabilities (and trust others). All of the things that the Narc doesn't have and cannot do. My ExN was tormented and conflicted over the concept of family. He wishes he had a normal upbringing. He wishes he could be a family man because in his black and white thinking, that is the "right thing to do". But he knows he's F-ed up. He knows he can never have a healthy family relationship with anyone. So he targeted me because I have all of those things that he wishes he could have. Healthy people don't ask to date a person who has a child and then dump them because they have a child. Never mind the fact that I was married - that's a whole other issue in and of itself. In my case, I think I was targeted not because of my vulnerabilities but because of all the things I had that the narc wants. What made me fall for it all though, was the fact that I was vulnerable. That's for me to own, not him. Your narc's behavior - the swooping in, offering to help and I'm sure pontificating and offering up volumes worth of unsolicited advice is standard operating procedures for them. My narc, when he was targeting me, told me I was too catholic in my guilt over wanting to take care of my disabled husband and providing for my daughter. He told me that I needed to look out for number one. Once he had me, his big excuse for dumping me was because he couldn't handle the guilt of me having a daughter. Total mind-bending, mind-twisting sick thinking. But I don't blame him for it. He's sick. He's F-ed up beyond repair. And it was my vulnerabilities that led me to try to make sense of it all when it's impossible. Now that I have seen the light and know that there is nothing there but nonsense, I feel less vulnerable.

#20 Jan 30 - 1AM (Reply to #15)

becsta777

Morty

Thats true - He knew I was pregnant and spun all sorts of fairy tales about us in the future together as a family and then once I'd had the baby, turned around and said that he wasn't ready for it, that if I'd didn't have a baby we would have travelled the world together. Of course that helped bunches with the bonding between my son and I. He pursued me so hard and was so romantic and convinced me of his authenticity and then didn't want anything to do with me. What a jerk. The worst part is that people are so understanding of him, "oh, its a lot to take on, someone else's child...he probably didnt know what he was in for" Bull crap! I didn't want to get involved with ANYONE, I wasn't looking for a saviour, sure I wanted deep down to be looked after, but I knew it was a bad idea and I was trying to be strong and do things on my own. He took great pains to lovingly care for me and waxed on and on about how we were meant to be together and how he loved me at first sight. How could I resist? I could have but I really didn't have much choice. My husband was gone, I couldn't even walk to the store to buy food in case I started bleeding - I needed him, and he loved it - I was trapped at home and completely dependent on him, like a rat in a cage. I know there were qualities in me he wanted, he even admitted as much, but I guess what I was saying was that I've been targeted by quite a few narcs since he left and I'm sure its because I'm a single mother. I've decided not to speak to any of them, if they call me, I'll just ignore them - I don't need to justify myself to anyone at this time, I'm not strong enough just yet.

#21 Jan 18 - 4PM (Reply to #9)

strongerthanever

Kids did and most likely

Kids did and most likely still does annoy my exN. He was a special ed teacher and from what I heard, he lost his patient and treated other kids the same way. There were 2 that he did bond with during his first yr of teaching. Yrs later, he still had contact with them but, when they called, he ignored their calls for as long as he could. until I would finally say something. He would call and you can tell it was painful. He'll take one out to Taco Bell and he really hated it. He knew that if he truly expressed how he felt, everyone would think he was an ass. And when I exposed him to married teacher he was having an affair with he said, "you are ruining my character". I guess having an affair with a co-worker had nothing to do with it. Any girls he did date that had kids, if they focused more on their kids and didn't give him "adult alone time", he was out of there. he did that with me in the beginning and every other weekend, i sent my son to a friends house or his grandma. And his new childbride is a teacher and works many hours and picks them up, cooks, cleans, gets them ready for bed. So, when is his "alone time" with her?" Those every other weekends and at night when she is not exhausted or fighting with her exhusband. One of the little girls is 3 now. It isn't like they are teenagers and can take care of themselves. Not sure what he was really thinking when he jumped into this frying pan...or fire.

#22 Jan 18 - 3PM

helldweller

Single moms

Don't EVEN get me started. F*cking b*stard son of a bitch "foster father." That POS endeared himself to my daughters who had been neglected and emotionally abused by their father their whole lives. The narc and my girls and I were like a family for almost three years until the foster child came without notice. My girls and I had no freaking food for a year after their dad went to jail for arson and I took them out the window in the snow to escape his violence. The narc didn't give a sh*t about that but talked night and day to everyone about his poor foster child whose mother did drugs while he was sleeping. The kid was ushered into his home like a prince, given every toy, clothes, flat screen t.vs, vacations, his own room, bathroom and playroom, you name it, taken on his friends' boats and to their summer homes. The narc took private Spanish classes three times a week so the hispanic child could stay with him (legally must be in a bilingual home). He turned himself inside out taking the kid to counseling, to visit his father, to sports, activities, etc, but wouldn't even take my daughters to the park on the corner. When I told him they were devasated because they thought he didn't want them anymore he said they should "grow up and get over themselves." Asshole! His friends didn't even know I or my daughters existed, though he was like their father for three years. When the foster child came it was OVER. He threw my daughters in the garbage. I still see him talking to the single moms at school, trolling for new ones. Why? Here are my theories: 1)They want children but know they can't have them because they can't commit long term. 2)They can't have a relationship that would lead to children, so they take someone who already has them. 3)They know moms love and care for their children dearly and they want that love for themselves. Unfortunately they can't share it with the children after awhile. 4)They just love to f*ck with us because it's worse. 5)They hate their mothers and have to screw over mothers in revenge. 6)They want a family situation but can't actually live in one. One of the worst things is seeing him with that kid, acting like the "single father and the orphan" though he totally f*cked my girls. I think the reason is that he can pretend to be a father with the kid but can send him back anytime, and the kid makes him look like a f*cking hero, going a long, long, long way to disquise his diabolical f*cking b*llsh*t. It makes me literally sick. Interestingly, he never let me get close to the child, but all of the other women--who are single and have no kids--he did let them get close to the child. I swear to God he hated me and punished me because I have children.

#23 Jan 18 - 3PM (Reply to #7)

Susan32

Fake Fathers

Ns/Ps are fake fathers. They WANT to look normal (and in your ex-N's diabolical case, look like the hero), and children make them look humane&paternal. The ex-Psych professor would say that he thought pregnancy was disgusting, and throughout all 4 years, he'd talk about how much he hated children. He'd say that if a woman gets pregnant, she turns against her husband, and pits herself&the kids against the poor, lone, victimized man. He'd say that hostility,alienation&fights escalate whenever a woman is pregnant (because that's what happens to Prince Marya in "War and Peace"-she and her husband fight more whenever she's expecting) He idolized Leo Tolstoy.. who fathered tons of kids but was totally disinterested in them. He emotionally abandoned his wife Sofia when she lost one of their children whom she loved dearly. Tolstoy would often abandon his wife when she was pregnant. When she was expectant with their last child, Alexandra, he packed his bags&threatened to go to America. A pregnant woman is incredibly vulnerable-emotionally and physically. The ex-P would say "only stupid kids and dumb animals like you." He was profoundly envious that I was volunteering at an elementary school, he hated children so much. He'd say how he considered babies disgusting, and that he'd avoid the nursery (because Tolstoy did the same thing) The ex-P punished me because I had "children" at that local school. In "War and Peace",Prince Andrei tells his fiancee Natasha that his son won't be living with them once they're married, but his son will be raised by his father Nicolai (doesn't that remind you of how the ex-N kept you from the foster son?) After the final D&D, I remember reading how the ex-P had impregnated his girlfriend with twins... I don't know if they're still together... but his parents moved in with him to raise his kids. And I'm talking about a TEACHER here.

#24 Jan 18 - 3PM (Reply to #6)

safyre99

Sorry you had to deal with that

helldweller I'm sorry you had to deal with that horrible man. It's bad enough when we have to deal with a Narc, but when a Narc treats a child poorly that's even worse. You and your daughters didn't deserve to be treated like that. I think you're onto something with your theories... they definitely make sense, especially about Ns not being able to commit long term and that they won't be able to maintain a relationship long enough to have a child of their own so they go out with someone who has a child.

#25 Jan 18 - 2PM

strongerthanever

I have the same question

I have the same question about N's and single mom's. I was when i met him. He couldn't bond with my son. At first, he was engaging and we did lots of parks, trips, camping in the beginning. But after 6 or 9 months, it slowed down. He started to criticize my son and he could barely stand him. My son didn't like him either because of the times he yelled at him or said something because he was crying (he was 9!). And now, he married a single mom with two little girls. Now, my son is 5 yrs older than the N's son. Her girls are 1 yr and 5 yrs younger. How can he be a step dad to them and not my kid? Or is he? She has the girls full time except for the one night a week every other weekend. He's never been a full-time parent! I saw the wedding pictures, he is hugging the older girl all loving. I'm sure he is "fun" with them but, even the N's family said to me that they dont even know if he is capable of loving his own son deeply and when he would be staying at their house for the week visitation, he gets irritated and loses interest in his kid towards the 5 th day. So, what is the attraction and how can he "parent" her girls and not my kid who was really starving for his love and attention?

#26 Jan 18 - 2PM (Reply to #2)

safyre99

I was wondering

I was wondering if Ns bond with kids. My exN always said he wanted children but if you have children the priority is the child and the focus is on the child not on the N, so I always wondered how he would be as a father when it wouldn't be all about him. I know that he spends a lot of weekends with his gf and has put up photos on Facebook of her and her child and it seems like he's so into her and this "instant family." I know his childhood and family life wasn't good so maybe his gf and her child represent the family life he never had. I'm sorry strongerthanever that your exN treated your son like that. It must be hard to see the photos of the ex with his new step-kids but remember it's an illusion... he may appear all happy in the photos but it won't last. His true self will emerge soon enough like how he was with you and your son.

#27 Jan 18 - 4PM (Reply to #3)

strongerthanever

yeah, i know it is all an

yeah, i know it is all an illusion...still hard to swallow. I was talking to my mom the other night about my sticking points and this is one of them. If her little girl was 2 when they married and is now 3...i know girls are different but, with an older sister, maybe there isn't that sibling rivalry going on, maybe there is. But, he can't stand that stuff. He blows his top! He thinks that kids should not be grumpy or emotional if they are especially tired or hungry or just not in a good mood. Not acceptable. When my son would cry telling a story of a kid being mean to him at school he would ask, "what is wrong with him?" Really? it is so wrong to cry at the age of 9? I let my son cry and when it is over something not big, in my adult mind, I dont minimize him. I talk him off of the ledge, validate his feelings, and we talk about alternatives. It's been 18 yrs since my daughter was 3 so, i cant remember how they are but from what ive seen in public, some can be quite emotional and WOW! That will push him over the edge. I do think it has to do with image and vulnerability with my exN for sure. but, if someone starts giving him more strokes and time, he'll stray emotionally and pretty sure physically.

#28 Jan 23 - 6AM (Reply to #4)

helldweller

strongerthanevr

I'm so, so sorry you have to go through this. It makes me insane to see him being a "loving father" to someone else when he totally rejected my daughters. Don't worry, those girls will destroy him LOL! One of my fears is that my narc will die before his foster child gets old enough to hate him. He's only six and the narc is a chain smoking alcoholic, so he probably will be gone before the child starts calling him out on his B.S. :(

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