narcfreeinms's story

Get some popcorn!

Hi Ya'll!! :)

Haven't been a member long. Some of you are aware of my story. But I thought I'd put this on here in case you're eating popcorn and there aren't any GOOD estrogen-packed, Lifetime movies on right now. :)

I took a short cut and copied my background from my profile, pasted it here, and added a few things. I feel so much more empowered and educated because of my awesome counselor, in addition to this site.

Married for 8.5 years to master narc. Before I met him, I was independent, confident, logical, and NOT desparate in any way. We married when I was 33 and he was 29. First marriage for us both. He was VERY charming, loving, handsome, and humble (for the first year). Yep, I thought "God sent him to me."

He was aware of my increasing health problems from the minute we were dating, and I put everything out on the table so there would be no blindsiding for either of us. Everyone has some sort of baggage, and I felt we both needed to put the baggage out in the open and see if we could love and accept each other as the whole package. I don't tolerate drama, mindgames, or lies. Boy, he ended up being that and then some!

Over the years, my health worsened and was diagnosed with a rare autoimmune/vascular disease. It progressively got worse until I could no longer work 5 years ago.

He followed the steps of the narcissistic pattern right down the line. The sweetness and devotion for lengths of time, then the distance and coldness for a while, back to kindness. Then the periodic, senseless rages inbetween. And the twisting of my words or him stating I never discussed certain topics with him, when I know I did. All those mind games and mental torture. Fortunately, I had witnesses to all of this, and they told me I wasn't losing my mind.

He started working a well-paying job out-of-state a few years ago. He abandoned me the first time when I was in the hospital very sick in 2009 first part of November. He went through thousands and thousands of dollars with no accountability for where it went. He'd started contacting "old friends" on Facebook right before he abandoned me. Heard nothing from him until right before that Christmas when he suddenly was begging to come back, stating that we could "both" work on our issues together. I look back now and realize he only came back because his daughter was coming to visit our home at Christmas and he didn't want to look like the bad guy - you know how they want to look like the saint and martyr to the outside world until they're figured out by the outside world.

He was a compulsive spender and drained accounts, and had nothing to show for where the money went. I had my suspicions. Went to counseling, and he just told her we spent a lot of time a part and that our communication was poor. When confronted about the missing money, he told me and counselor "What can I say, I guess I ate well". He told counselor he had no other complaints about me other than me treating him like a child. I only treated him that way when tons of money suddenly would vanish or he would get off the routine of his usual behavior and I knew something was about to happen. What a way to live!!

Oh yeah, and when my mother was dying, she requested to see him and me for a weekend. I begged him to come with me - he said "this time is for you and your mother. You both need this". My parents were loving, stable, normal, devoted parents. They were GREAT people with strong convictions and terrific senses of humor. Our relationship was very good. They were never overbearing or in our business unless we turned to them for advice. So I knew that when my mom requested that she wanted to see my x, that she knew her time on this earth was getting ready to end. I knew the importance of her request.

I explained to the x that my mom requested him to come so she could see him one last time. I told him I needed his support during this time because I knew this would be the last time I'd see her. I found out a month later WHY he refused to go. Our cable bill showed he watched pornos that whole weekend. That was when I knew that he had NO true love or compassion for me or anyone else - not even himself. That he must be so miserable to be wired that way and that my devotion to my vows couldn't carry both of us if he was truly a narc. One person being devoted couldn't make a marriage work.

My doctors warned me, my counselors warned me, my lawyer warned me, my family warned me, and our friends warned me. "He's not normal. How could he do what he did and not think twice about the consequences? He'll keep doing this to you."

Narcs have no consequences regarding their actions. In their minds, they're always the victims. They're manipulators. The world owes them everything. And there's a motive attached to their "kindness or kind acts". They want to look good. When they look bad, they flee or go into a rage. When you buck them or stand up to them, that's when their cold, mean, methodical, heartless and exhausting tendancies kick it up to overload.

He came in 3 days before this past Christmas with his bullying brotherinlaw and declared he wanted a divorce, but wouldn't give a reason. Said he'd been wanting one for a month, and was going to wait until the New Year, but just couldn't wait anymore. No one knows his reasoning except he stated to someone he wasn't happy.

Before he came in and declared a divorce, he was supposed to be "deathly sick" on a job site and probably wouldn't make it home for Christmas. I told him we would celebrate Christmas when he was able to get home. I actually felt sorry for him and was going to send him a care package to the job site so we wouldn't feel so alone and isolated at Christmas. I didn't have to send the package, however.

He was distant and cold from the first of Dec up until he barged in then left. I believe there is another woman and has been for a while, as well as the first time he fled. He ran to his family again(as usual - they're narcs as well), and now our lawyers are communicating everything. We haven't spoken since he barged in that day before Christmas. Communication with these sadistic nuts serves no purpose. You can't communicate with someone who isn't normal.

I empowered myself by immediately going to my lawyer and saying, "He's done it again and is demanding a divorce. He didn't give a reason." I filed papers first, with my lawyer stating the reason of him being habitually cruel and inhumane towards me. He was being sent civil, standard emails regarding bills needing to be paid that were cc'd to my lawyer right after this last mess started. However, my lawyer is now the sole mediator with my xnarc's lawyer regarding all contact.

The lack of contact is a BLESSING to me. I'm not a desperate woman. And I'm NOT withering from his sadistic personality. Life is too short to deal with people like that. I wanted my marriage for LIFE. That's why I waited until I was 33. It wasn't in the cards, so it's up to me to make the best of the precious time and life I have left.

I have to admit I was devestated the first time he did this to me. And I wanted ANSWERS. I wanted to KNOW how we could fix things. I wanted REASONS for him doing what he did and whether or not I contributed to his actions.

When I got into therapy after that, it prepared me for this time. I ACCEPTED the fact that there are no reasons, there are no answers, there is no fixing, and there is no closure. I was READY. But I still felt the hurt. I still felt frustration of being married to a nut with a cracked shell. And I was upset with myself for marrying a goober who had absolutely no conscience. Then after a few days of the shock, I embraced the knowledge I'd gained in therapy and I embraced my family's and friends' support and love. I got my second wind, and haven't looked back.

I can honestly say that I'm ready to be the woman I was supposed to be in this life. I look forward to all the possibilities and even the unknowns. Fear and insecurities are our worst enemies. Ladies, it's time to hold our heads high and realize our own self worth. It's time for us to laugh, savor the moments, and breathe in the fresh air. It's time to see life through clear eyes. And it's time to listen to our gut insticts, our conscience, and our faith.

My new chapter has just begun. I'm so excited. It's an adventure. I'm the co-author (God is the author) on the rest of the chapters in my life.

Getting to this point in my life was well worth all the pain and all the lessons. I'm a work in progress, and I can't wait to see what each chapter reveals.

There is a reason for everything, and one day I will know what the reason was for me spending 8.5 years of hell with someone who never truly loved me. I'm becoming strong again, and I refuse to be swallowed up by his misery and nightmare. I will get through this, and I will keep holding my head high. I will live this next chapter of my life with joy and dignity. I will not break because of someone else who's already broken. I am a survivor of a narcissistic husband.

Thank you for this website! And thanks to those of you who share your stories, advice, and words of wisdom. We all need encouragement, as well as a slap back to reality when we start feeling that desperate attraction that pulls us back toward the narc.

Good luck and many blessing to you all on your journeys. Stay strong. Your new life is waiting for you to live it!

Sincerely,
NARCFREEINMS :)