Narc just left

My N just left me for the very last time. He came to say a final goodbye and tell me he can't do this anymore. Why am I such a mess when I already knew this. I've been fine, I've been strong. I haven't wanted him but now that he's gone I am a mess. I cant stop texting him but of course he won't text back. I was so strong and now this. Ffffaaarrrrrrkkkk!!!! No no no no no. I have to pull myself together to go to work but I just want to cry and lay here and wait for him to come back - but I know he won't. And I know deep down I don't really want him to, he is no good for me but it doesn't stop this pain. I'm sorry guys but please kick me. Yell at me. I need to get the fuck up and brush myself off.