Narc affection and alcohol

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#1 Jan 14 - 5PM

NarcJunkie

Narc affection and alcohol

A few days ago I looked through my journals, because I wanted to share my story here and frankly, the past year has been so long and painful I hardly remembered the "good times" with the narc and how it all started.
Well, with all my newfound knowledge about PD those journal entries were a revelation.

To my surprise I wasn't being an idiot when I fell for the narc. I was actually very cautious, but he just really convinced me at some point.... I remember having very warm feelings for him from the beginning, but I was ok with just being friends since he was in a relationship. I could actually channel those feelings and keep the boundaries. It took him a few months to reel me in. I wrote down many many times that this guy can't be that interested in me if he always pulls back, if he always says how he can't leave his girlfriend etc.
I wrote down a pro/contra list and was pretty perceptive about his flaws (arrogant, immature, obsessed with his career etc...). It's just that the list of positive qualities (his mask) was longer - and exactly what I had been hoping for in a partner... haha.
I confronted him quite a few times and told him to please keep the boundaries with me, to figure out his feelings and stop doing the push/pull etc. But every time he acted stupid or cold towards me he came back and apologized and made up for it. And with each time we got more intimate and I got more attached. I remember those moments exactly, those few "meaningful" moments where he had me thinking: wow.... this man truly loves me. No man has ever told me these things. No man has ever cried over me...

Then I read the journal entry from the day after one of those meaningful moments - and suddenly I understood.

I remember being so confused that day. He called me up from the pub, choking down the tears... he came over and sat on my sofa completely helpless, telling me how smart and beautiful I was and how he'd never felt this way before, how I shook his whole life and he didn't know what to do anymore. I was having a perfectly nice evening by myself and suddenly I am shaking because no man had ever cried over me and I just thought: wow, he really loves me... And I worry about him all night because he is so upset.
And the next day at work I try to be nice and kind to him thinking he must still be feeling bad and maybe ashamed... but instead he's totally CASUAL. Says he's fine, seems a bit bored and later even insults me by telling me I'm too cerebral for him.
A day later he pulls me back in with intense affection -because guess why...

He only EVER pulled me in and showered me with affection when he was DRUNK.
And the reason he always pushed me away the next day and didn't seem to care was not because he was a poor confused soul who didn't want to hurt his girlfriend but simply because HE WAS SOBER... and those were his REAL feelings for me!!

How could I not have seen that???

It's not that he was always cold and aloof when sober, but alcohol definitely made him go soft and sensitive and more needy than usual. And I totally fell for it and thought THAT was the REAL him... f*** me :(
Anyone else experienced this with their narcs, that they crave supply more than anything when they're drunk? And that pretty much every single nice moment happened only because they were under the influence of alcohol or some other drug?

#2 Jan 26 - 5PM

ifinallygotit

Not just affectionate but behaved NORMALLY when drunk

ExN was a quiet withdrawn freak if not high, totally emotionally shutdown. One time when I went over after he had been drinking (mind you this was the ONLY time in 10 years I saw this) he was chit chattering away, relaxed and open like a normal person! This tells us that they are not actually mentally ill, which is permanent and cannot change with the audience and circumstances, but that they are severely personality disordered due to powerful defense mechanisms that will not let them tolerate intimacy! I was blown away by him behaving like a completely different human being! Of course it wore off by the morning. Mine was definitely more affectionate when high and restless and grumpier when not (a pot addict) - but he was a more affectionate Narc than many on here and sometimes was very cuddly even when not under the influence - basically unpredictable - I hate comparing him to a wild animal, but I work with animals alot and sometimes he would remind me of one (kind and obedient one moment and then shutting down or running off the next) - this was horrible stress to live with, never knowing if he would sustain one of our short lived good periods...I was in great denial and thought he had changed at the end and had grown to appreciate me, I was on cloud 9 (one week before abandonment when he moved with no warning)

#3 Jan 25 - 1PM

Silverandgold

This really struck a chord...

...with me. I read your thread yesterday and haven't stopped thinking about it. The N in my life did exactly this. He would periodically send me a message or an email that was extremely affectionate ("You always bring a smile to my face. Thank God for you." or "I wanted you to know that I am always thinking of you.") These always came late at night, and yes, I am quite sure he wrote them when he was drinking. The pattern was always, always the same. After sending me a message like this, the next time he saw me, he would be cold, indifferent, avoiding me. Even at the time, I could see that expressing affection was very hard for him and he felt the need to pull back after doing it, but it still hurt. It was also EXTREMELY addictive for me. I would live through months of coldness, longing for the next bit of intense affection. Every time I got one, I would think, "Wow, look at this! He really loves me." And that would keep me hanging on. While I know there was an element of manipulation to these messages (he sent them when he sensed I might be losing interest in him), I still believe, in my heart and in my gut, that the drunk/affectionate version of him was the more real version of him. I think he lacked the courage to be affectionate when he was sober, and he was deeply lonely because of that, and so these bursts of affection would come out of him. The thing is, you can't have a good relationship with someone who lacks the courage to love you openly except when he drinks. But part of what made letting go of the relationship sooooo difficult was that I did believe, and do believe, that deep inside he really did care for/love me. It made it hard to accept that he would never come back, and that I would not want any more of this yo-yo relationship, if he did.

#4 Jan 25 - 6PM (Reply to #9)

Lookonthesunnyside

Silverandgold, I relate a lot

Silverandgold, I relate a lot to your post. I feel the same way about my ex. Although Im sure it entirely depends on the person and how narcy they are. But I find that telling myself he never loved me or never cared is just too hard to bear. Considering what a selfish immature guy my ex is, I know that the effort and love he DID put into our relationship was for reasons beyond just thinking that I made him look good. And I know he had never spent that much time with anyone before. I think he's just incapable of being a loyal, honest person, due to his issues. I dont know though, I bounce back and forth. I feel like I cant entirely form an opinion on my ex because I feel like I'll never know the extent of his lies. Sigh... I absolutely agree with you when you say "you can't have a good relationship with someone who lacks the courage to love you openly except when he drinks." Whether they really loved us or not, it doesnt change the way they behaved and we deserve better.

#5 Jan 26 - 12PM (Reply to #10)

Silverandgold

Lookonthesunnyside

...thanks for your reply. I don't think it's a lack of love operating here, I think it's overwhelming fear. One article I read about that made so much sense to me. I think my narcissist was/is one of the most fearful people I ever knew, and I did not see it because he appears to be completely fearless. His confidence is a large part of what makes him attractive, but I eventually saw through it. Here is the quote that really rang true for me: "Fear is so pervasive in the psyche of the narcissist that they do not see it. They call it other things; they certainly don't call it fear. Usually those around them don't see it either. Yet nearly everything the narcissist does is an effort to outrun their fear." And the whole article: http://narcissists-suck.blogspot.com/2008/03/fear-that-moves-them.html

#6 Jan 26 - 1PM (Reply to #11)

Alissa

great article! thanks for

great article! thanks for posting it

#7 Jan 24 - 12PM

Night Owl

yes

Yes my ex N was affectionate when drunk and aloof when sober. It got to be that I liked when he drank because then I knew he would kiss me and compliment me. It took me awhile to figure it out though because I am not a drinker and have never been around an alcoholic. My N didn't cheat - I don't think it was because of high morals I think it was laziness and lack of opportunity - but the one thing I feared is that he would get drunk and cheat on me because when he was drunk he loved everybody.

#8 Jan 24 - 4PM (Reply to #7)

NarcJunkie

Ha, that's so funny

yes, same here... when he was drunk, he loved everybody! He would pay me a lot of compliments and pull me close and hug me (even before we got involved). Unfortunately I failed to see that it was nothing personal on his part. In fact, I now think that he only ever totally focussed on me when he desperately needed female attention and couldn't get any. He knew he could always count on good old NJ. Fucker...

#9 Jan 24 - 11AM

Lookonthesunnyside

Ya, my ex was the most

Ya, my ex was the most affectionate either before sex or while he was drunk. When he was drunk he would lay on the pdas soooo hard and be alll over me. He would send me dozens of texts telling me how much he loved me, saying I was the "prettiest girl in the world" hes the "luckiest guy in the world" would say "i love you soooooo much, im sooo lucky to have you" And I would totally swoon. But he was never that affectionate or loving when he was sober. I felt like he had let down his cool facade and wasnt worrying about boosting my ego when he was drunk. I did think that was the real him. Who knows though...

#10 Jan 24 - 5PM (Reply to #5)

NarcJunkie

Yeah, it probably was the real Him...

...the real NARC. Arrogant and bored when sober, needy and emotional and manipulative when drunk. I used to think: well the others only see his facade, they don't know how sweet and vulnerable he really is. And I still think that what he showed me in those moments was true. I just misinterpreted everything. He did think I was wonderful (but he thinks that about all fresh supply) He said he needed me and he did (just not bc he loved me but bc he was weak) He really is vulnerable and insecure (but that doesn't stop him from hurting people). When he was drunk, he readily admitted most his faults and seemed pretty genuine. A genuine dickhead. They can't help it, it's what they are.

#11 Jan 15 - 3AM

abusednomore

i used to say to him when we

i used to say to him when we were living together "god hav a drink"! just to loosen him up! looking back, the first year we were together were mostly spent either drinking in the house or on nights out! but he would be ok until he got past about 5 pints, then he would get this stupid glazed look on his face and start being aggressive with me, verbally and physically. Not really hitting but threatening stupid things and once getting me to ground and rolling me up in a rug! weird or what!!!!!

#12 Jan 14 - 9PM

IncognitoBurrito

Yes

Yes... but it was always so romantic, until the day after! *smh* Those good memories are so frustrating.

#13 Jan 14 - 6PM

janemarie

I remember toward the

I remember toward the end....I couldnt wait for him to go in the garage to drink his beer....I would wait about a half hour and then go join him for the evening....crazy!!!! His drinking actually was my saving grace!!!

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