Name That Word

Today while I was taking my dogs for a walk, it occurred to me that there are words that I perceive completely different than before my relationship with a disordered person. So here's a new game for us to play:

Name That Word

Name one word that has been irrevocably changed for you because of your relationship with an N/P.

I'll start.
My word is "charming".

I used to see "charming" as an attractive feature, and felt that if someone was charming, it was an attribute. Now, whenever I hear someone described as "charming" it sends up red flags all over the place for me. After dealing with the narc, "charming" equates to "manipulative" in my mind. It's a warning signal concerning the Persona Spell this "charming" person is casting onto their potential supply using their evil, disordered magic wand. I no longer see "charming" as an attribute. It's now in the same mental category for me as "snake oil".

What word has been irrevocably altered for you? I'd love to hear.

Crazy Train's picture

Narc always said "I have no reason to LIE to you". Ummm, apparently he didn't need a "reason"! Oh and everytime I see a black Escalade, I want to blow holes in it. Lol
Done sourcing's picture

Acually it is narcspeak. I have no reason to lie to you means I am lying to you for a reason. They always have the same reason. The don't accept that there are consequences to their actions, so they lie to avoid the consequences of their actions. Lovely, and we thought they had our backs. Boy was I deceived. ds
Susan32's picture

BOTH my former Narc boss (of 5 years) and the ex-Psych prof (of 4 years) used this. Telling me to be "flexible" meant-follow our capricious rules, do whatever WE want-your needs don't matter, and of course, don't DARE to be human. I was always told to "be flexible" whenever the demands changed.
mystwoman's picture

Isn't it absolutely amazing how "flexible" is always a one-way street with these jerks? If we are "flexible", it means "do it their way". If they say they are being "flexible", it also means "they're doing it their way". Hmmm, I don't see much of difference happening there. I, also, don't this as the definition listed in the dictionary for "flexible". lol. The same thing applies to "compromise" with a narc. Whenever I was told to "compromise" it always meant that *I* give in to his will 100% and "xnh gets his way". Whenever xnh said that he would "compromise", it always meant that *I* give in to his will 100% and "xnh gets his way". Once again, I somehow don't think this is the definition of "compromise" in the dictionary.

God sometimes removes a person from your life for your protection. Don't run after them.

How could I's picture

Soul Mate will never be the same for me. I used to believe that if you found your Soul Mate it was a good thing. Now it has been brought to my attention that a Soul Mate can be someone from your past and it doesn't necessarily mean that you had a positive past with them.
coffeeaddict66's picture

"If you were half as committed to this relationship as I am you wouldn't be a quitter and want to give up on it". "Every couple has arguments why can't you just get over it" coffee
emtg's picture

all the way
Sheesha's picture

That is what got him into my life this time after his wife divorced him. I felt so bad for him. We had been high school sweethearts for 4 years and stayed in touch on and off all these years (25 years). I always thought that we still meant something to each other, so I was flattered when he turned to me in this "devastating time". I supported him and he sucked me in... and then I was discarded when he found a new girlfriend after only 8 months from leaving his wife and 4 kids. WTF. A word I had never heard of until this was mind fucked. Pardon the language but that is what it feels like. No, I'm sorry if I led you on, no empathy. It was my fault, I never responded to his emails.... that I never received. Ugh. The really hard part for me is now I question our 4 year relationship. Was it ever real> Why could he do this to me> I ended up telling him we should just go our separate ways. That was 4 days ago. I didn't even know what a narcissist was until I tried to find out what his weird behaviour was all about... and then I found out. he has all the signs. Now I feel sorry for him. He is pathetic... but it is sad.
Sheesha's picture

I'm glad and sad about this whole incident. I'm glad that I now have the answer to my question "what if"... I'd have been miserable, like his poor ex wife. I'm sad, because all those memories I had of him from when we were together are now tainted. But knowing explains alot of his behaviour back then too. He robbed me of my first love and now I know the real reason he was never able to let me go. I was still a source of Narc supply. Well never again.
Used's picture

Soldier Girl's picture

Sea's picture

ExN always says "we have great chemistry!" Chemistry used to mean magical, in syn, in tune, compatible etc After N episode, this word means addiction.
ifinallygotit's picture

Mine used to say our attraction lasted so many years because we had great chemistry. I used to be so flattered he felt this way about us - NOT!
Sea's picture

Exact same words from my ex disordered man and i felt the same flattery as u.
rosedewittbukater's picture

It is really hard to whittle it down to just one word. The word narcissist itself comes to mind, as does LOVE... as several others here have stated. I don't think I'll ever see the words needs, trust, abuse or fight the same way either. Fight used to mean to argue or disagree, but this is what N accused me of doing if I ever tried to express my feelings or the hurt her abusive behavior caused. I understand now that in a healthy relationship there are ACTUAL resolutions or compromises to relationship conflicts or issues. Trust because she accused me of being untrustworthy when it was her who could not and should not have EVER been trusted with anything. Needs because I was made to feel my needs didn't matter and that I just had too many and they were too great. Abuse because I know now this is what she does, and I was further abused by then being accused of being the abuser. But the word "devalue" was never even in my vocabulary prior to coming here, and educating myself through the voracious reading I have been doing. If I did think of that word before, it was pertaining to what might be done to say, an object or something that might happen to an investment. "IT" has lost IT'S worth. I had no concept that someone could do this to another human being. Until it happened to me.
mystwoman's picture

Same here. Neither devalue or discard was in my vocabulary until I started learning about NPD. Until having a relationship with disordered person, I wouldn't have dreamed that anyone would devalue and then discard their spouse or "loved" one just like they were trash. That's what you do to an old broken toaster, not another person. It's, also, really sad to me how many of us were abused and then accused of being the abuser by the narc. Xnh accused me of abusing him as well. It's hurtful enough to be abused by someone, but to have them beat our self-esteem down even farther with their accusations (and cause us more self-doubt) is completely reprehensible.

God sometimes removes a person from your life for your protection. Don't run after them.

freaked's picture

first heard about these 2 words Devalue & Discard on Sam Vaknin's site. Prior to learning about NPD i did not think these words applied to living beings. so many words...all gone awry. i guess it is the inevitable fallout of an atomic explosion which is the only way to describe being married /in relationship with a narc. barely a few months ago I did not even know that the man i married in good faith was/is in truth .. radioactive waste.
uk lady's picture

As in "that was never my intention". I always used to view it as a positive and doing word. My intention is this, that or the other.... Now I view it as a negative because it was used so often as an excuse for something that was said or done and viewed as a "get out of jail free card". Intention without action is just a word. Dee x
StudentOfLife's picture

OMG! This was one of his key phrases he used on me all the time toward during the end. I don't even think he totally knows what it means!!! Yeah, i agree with that terminology: "get out of jail free card".... DEFINITELY!!! They don't care about truth.... just IMAGE ...their image!!! Hmmmm.... "image" is the root word of "Imaginary". The Imaginary Man!
foreverfun1's picture

wow thats weird i never put that together but that totally describes him, "imaginary man" and he was only about image nothing real ever
mystwoman's picture

This is so true. Xnh said this to me on a regular basis. When he cheated and dumped me, he told me that it was never his intention to hurt me. Oh, really? Is THAT why he cheated with those other women? What the hell did he think his cheating would do? Make me feel like I was getting a massage? Not. Xnh was merely spouting worthless words to make himself look better in his own little, twisted, narc mind. It really doesn't matter whether it was his "intention" to hurt me. He did it all the same. Actions speak louder than words.

God sometimes removes a person from your life for your protection. Don't run after them.

lillymarch's picture

It was never his intention to hurt me. Never his intention to hurt the girls. On and on. What a creep!!! Lying and cheating...hmm.... What was your intention then, weirdo?!
uk lady's picture

So, much like... If it was never his intention to do this, that or the other, then why the hell do you bother existing? A life without intention, has no purpose at all. But therein may lie the answer - their minds and souls or skewed and so they do everything in reverse to normal human beings.
ValiditySeeker's picture

I don't think there's anything wrong with shy people. I don't. I'd even consider myself shy. However, I had already had an overt in-your-face, show-off, loud-mouthed narcissist in my life. I swore never to have that type in my life again. When I met Shy Guy, I was so glad that he didn't seem anything like Mr. Personal Injury Attorney (yes, yes that what he does) who was always demanding to be the center of attention. I thought that meant he was a safe bet, in terms of being the opposite of a jerk. I thought shy guys were kind and thoughtful. Turns out he was just socially inept. Period. And yet he was clever at manipulations, Knew how to hurt me, was unkind, self-absorbed, thoughtless, mean. Straight up cruel. Turns out a shy, small-town Christian boy is just a mask, not a real person. There are no safe bets. We need to get to know people; narcissists come in all kinds of masks!!!!
empath's picture

This post very much resonated with me. Just met someone who seems shy and was freaked out to see him trying to use "player" techniques on first I thought I was being hypersensitive or that maybe he was just socially inept or too much unlike the alpha males I love so much....too much....and then I had to acknowledge his behavior for what it was...he was making boundary-testing statements and using "neg hits" to knock me off balance...and I thank God I saw through it right away rather than get involved with another dark soul N. Firm boundaries deflect N....this guy got stopped and called out three times...I am grateful to be able to shoo these types away from me now, now that I have learned so much the hard way here.
sara-smile's picture

I use to think a narcissist was someone who was vain and thought a lot of themselves. I had no idea it was a disorder that effects and hurts so many people. I had no idea that a narcissist was a cold soulless empty shell of a person who preys on caring and loving people just for fun.
Winter's picture

He was always playing so "cool", except when I went NC. I don't want "cool" people in my life anymore. I want people to invest, to engage and to care.
cecelia's picture

As in "Believe in us", and "we can accomplish anything if we believe in it!" I still "believe" in my spiritual truths (God, miracles, Jesus) yet in another person outside of that? Now I see the word: LIE sticking out more than ever... I will NOT beLIEve the LIE's of someone...actions speak louder :)
ruby01's picture

Honest preceded by the word brutally. Two words that have no place being put together. Brutality/Honesty Puts me in a panic just to think about it.
Sparrow's picture

Self confidence: I viewed the self confidence of these 2 men (narcs) as a strength. Something to be admired. Now, I view it as pompous, self centered and moronic. When I man tells me how great he is, I no longer view it as confidence, I view him as a narc and dismiss him immediately.