Mystwoman's Story

I met my N in 1992 at work, and we quickly became friends. He was intelligent, charming, and had a really great sense of humor at the beginning. He was also married and had two small children. We started getting to know each other initially at a “going-away” lunch for a fellow employee, and it soon progressed into him coming into my office regularly to talk. We were friends ONLY at this time. Since I commuted 65 miles to work every day, and he lived in town with his family, there wasn’t much contact after work hours in the beginning. However, he started playing in a band with my carpool’s husband who lived about a mile from my house. N then started obsessively calling daily, and stopping by on his way home from band practice. This should have been a big red flag to me but I missed it. Even at this point in our relationship, he was all about himself. I didn’t really appreciate him knocking on my door at midnight when my lights were all off, and it was obvious to all (but N apparently) that I was in bed asleep. He wasn’t concerned about waking me up…just about his desire to stop by my house for a visit. Needless to say, when his wife saw the phone bill with long distance charges from his calling me, she was very upset with N (and rightfully so, IMO).

After this happened, our conversations quickly turned to N complaining about his marriage, and how horrible his life was (this should have also been another red flag to me and I overlooked it). Everything apparently was all her fault, she was frigid, she wasn’t his friend, he had to do EVERYTHING concerning the kids, she got pregnant twice to “trap” him in the marriage, on and on and on….Poor, poor pitiful (and apparently blameless) him. At the time, I bought his act and even felt sorry for him.

One day after we’d known each other for about six months, he came to work and announced to me that he was leaving his wife, and he wanted to be with me since I was like “no one he’d ever met” and “I wasn’t like ‘other’ women that just play games”. Even though he was separating from his wife, he had nowhere else to live. He, also, supposedly had no money either because of “her” credit card debts, and he was still planning to live at her house with her and the kids for a while. This should have been another red flag to me…he wanted a relationship with me but wouldn’t end the one with his wife.

After several weeks of this, a mutual friend offered to let N live in his spare bedroom for free, and loaned him enough money for N to pay off “her” credit card debts making it so that N wouldn’t need to file bankruptcy. N proceeded to spend money in huge amounts even though he was living for free with the friend, and owed the friend buckets of money for “his wife’s” credit card debt. This caused fights between N and the friend as well.

At his point, our romantic relationship was just starting. I wouldn’t go out with N until he was out of his ex’s house, and was at least legally separated. N continued to go over to his ex’s house every night anyway, and staying there with his kids until she got off work at about midnight. I had serious problems with him being involved with me, and still spending large amounts of time at her house. N also wouldn’t leave her house most nights when she got home so that they could “talk”. It was like they were separated but still together. He wanted his cake and to eat it, too. We had many fights over this, and broke up over it several times as well. After living at the friend’s house for almost a year, N was told he needed somewhere else to live. N bought a cheap mobile home, and after paying the friend the last of the money he owed to him for “her” debts, N filed for bankruptcy anyway. This, of course, became my fault somehow for “making” him move into a place that he couldn’t afford. The fights between us were very destructive, frequent, and of course, all “my” fault. Everything was always all about him, his kids (an extension of himself), or his ex-wife interfering in our lives (once again an extension of himself and his wishes).

Our relationship went on this way, for eight years because I refused to marry him or live with him while he continued to allow his kids and ex to completely rule our lives together. At this point, things were still very rocky between us, but our relationship was interlaced with some really good times as well. I (stupidly) loved him deeply, and assumed that he loved me. We got married, and once the wedding ring hit my finger, N became more like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde than normal.

The first thing that happened was my getting appendicitis while he was on a business trip in Spain. Because I was alone at home, the hospital wouldn’t release me until someone was there to help. The day I got out of the hospital was the day N returned home. Thus, I ended up in the car with staples and stitches in my abdomen only wanting to go home, but no…. it was N’s day to have the kids. So while he made me sit in the car in misery, he went into the house to talk with the ex and supposedly “get them ready”. I was outside in the car alone for close to an hour. When he finally brought them out, his youngest kid was obviously very sick…but he WAS going to have his kids on “his” day come Hell or high water. As it turns out, she had strep throat and gave it to me. He then went off to work on “his” day with the kids even though it was my first day out of the hospital. A few days later, I found out that coughing and barfing with stitches while being stuck with N’s sick kid, is NOT pretty. I should have seen N’s true colors at this point and divorced him. He obviously wasn’t concerned about me, my feelings, or even my health. I loved him but, if actions speak louder than words, he wasn’t showing love towards me. N was only worried about N.

Our entire married life revolved around him, his kids, his ex, his wishes. Of course, I was to blame for everything that’s ever happened on this planet. I’ve been called every name possible, had things thrown me, been physically held in place and otherwise manhandled due to N and his rages. I’ve been told that I’m “holding him back and ruining his life” because I have some very serious health problems and can’t go camping, etc. with him. He’s told me that he wished that I’d just go away and die. I believe him.

He also has a daughter that I suspect is a sociopath, and has been doing drugs for several years now. Between N and his oldest daughter, I feel like I’ve been dragged behind a car for the past 16 years. Finally after eight years of marriage with N and his crap (16 total), he came home and announced that “he doesn’t love me anymore and he wants a divorce”. By this time, I’d had enough of his threats, drama, chaos, and rages. I said, “Fine. Divorce it is.” When he started asking how long he could stay (planning to live at my house torturing me after D&D…like he did his first wife, I told him he had until he packed his duffle bag…maximum 15 minutes.) . That was four months ago. He tried threatening me on the way out the door because I wouldn’t let him stay, but I had the phone in my hand ready to call the cops, and he decided to just exit quietly the final time. I guess spending the night in jail didn’t appeal to him, and he opted for a motel. The divorce was final almost three months ago.

I’ve also since found out he’s had a girlfriend in another state that he was seeing several months before the D&D. I’ve filed a complaint at work about him harassing me on the job (I have 51 nasty emails from him to me archived as proof), and I have been able to maintain No Contact for the past three months…other than passing him in the halls. I don’t speak to him. My employer is taking my complaint very seriously, and he has been told by management that he will be reprimanded if he continues to contact me on the job. My big hope is that he’ll leave soon for somewhere far, far away from me. He’s threatened me with divorce and him moving away for many years now. I wish he’d do it. My life with N has been pure Hell, and I’m looking forward to a MUCH better future without him in the future. It’s already been much better just not living with him. :)