Well the flood gates have opened. Thanks Spinning ;) Really though...I was reading blogs and came across her story about the tattoo and suddenly I was crying hysterically and frantically hitting chat to see if she was there and she was. Her story mirrored mine so closely it was frightening. From the initial lack of attraction, to the mediocre 1st time sex, down to the tattoo. While I would've expected relief that I wasn't alone and that someone else had walked my path I felt instead like I had been punched in the gut. I was suddenly consumed by feelings of anger, resentment, sadness, disgust and even bitter towards poor Spinning for sharing. Without realizing it years ago when she posted this she burst my protective bubble I was living in today. She showed me the truth and my reality as bright and blinding as if I was looking directly into the sun. He didn't love me. There was nothing about my "soul-mate" experience that was original or authentic. It was as if my narc had taken his lines straight from the Psycho Playbook. All at once I feel broken, disoriented, and mostly TERRIFIED. I'm afraid of everything and nothing all at once. Mostly I'm afraid the tears won't ever stop. I cried so loud at one point I sounded like a wounded animal. Thank God the kids are at school. In this desperate moment I want nothing more than to call him. Spinning assures me that it's not logical to go to the source of your pain in an effort to relieve your pain. But I WANT to. His is a pain I know and I've come to recognize and almost anticipate. This pain..the pain I'm in right now is deeper darker and I KNOW where it comes from and I don't want to go there. I feel helpless and hopeless just like that little girl from all those years ago. Chasing a love that should've been given to me without question. I'm not crying for NM anymore I'm crying for ME. I'm crying for this empty gaping hole in my heart that I keep trying to fill. And it seems every time I've sealed it the seal breaks and another chip is missing. I know where it originates and just like that child I want to kick and scream right now "I don't want to do this!! I want him and I want him now!! Why can't I be the Narc? I don't wanna hurt anymore!!" But my grown up self knows I'm at a very crucial crossroads. I can accept my truth, get real and heal or I can run away from this pain and back into his arms or God forbid the arms of yet another Narc. Truthfully, I'm paralyzed. Partially from fear and partially from physical and emotional exhaustion. I can't move ye.t My legs and my heart are too heavy. But I won't run either. I know too much to flee the scene now. I could never plead ignorance after subscribing to this site and I'm not good at lying to myself for extended periods of time. So for now I will just be still in my reality. I'm going to sit and look around and familiarize myself with this place I've escaped from so many times before. And maybe when I've caught my breath and the panic has calmed I will brace myself and try to stand. In the meantime, if you see me trying to crawl towards the door in this forum or any other please remind me of this confession. This is my reality....now can I handle the truth?
Nov 4 - 12PM#1