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My Poor Children

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#1 Feb 10 - 11AM
Maggster
Maggster's picture

My Poor Children

As I continue thru NC and deal with the insurmountable sadness & pain I am feeling, I realized how awful my choices have been for my 3 children all these years. Though they have a great relationship with their dad, my N spent every weekend at our house since the kids were young. He had me remove their artwork from the refrigerator, any certificates or trophies were put in the attic and I was repeatedly told they were lazy & selfish. He told me I was a bad mother and spoiled them rotten. When he was at our house everything had to be in place, in perfect order. No dishes in the sink, no toys or clothes on the floor. Please, any suggestions on how to explain this to them? Will they forgive me for all they had to put up with?

Feb 12 - 10AM
fooled no longer
fooled no longer's picture

guilt is useless, start

guilt is useless, start living now. the kids will bounce back they are young enough. you did the best you could under the circumstances. life is full of shit.. they too must learn this sooner or later. get on with your life so the good times to come will erase all the bad. forgive yourself. keep strong.
Feb 12 - 12PM (Reply to #12)
Maggster
Maggster's picture

thanks!

thanks!
Feb 12 - 9AM
Fearless
Fearless's picture

put the art back...

...on the fridge! who cares if they are older. apologize to them, it's never too late. tell them you let this creep cross one of your boundaries and you are sorry they were hurt by your actions, and his. Explain that he was evil and manipulative and you did as he asked because you were under "his spell". Surely they must know this about him by now. Tell them that you are getting stronger, wiser, and that you will NEVER let a man break down any of your boundaries again, especially when it comes to your children. they will forgive you and appreciate seeing their art back in it's place...even if they are grown adults! obviously, you are a sweet and caring mom...you simply made a bad choice a while back because of one idiot man. who hasn't? we live, we learn, we go on to never make that particular bad choice again.

FeFe

Feb 12 - 8AM
janemarie
janemarie's picture

So you basically have adult

So you basically have adult children.... Whether they are young or adult...honesty is always best... Being that they are older they may have a better understanding of all you went through....but tell them how much you regret, be honest with your apologies, they will respect you for it!!!! Then forge ahead with the new improved Mom that you are and always wanted to be!!!!
Feb 11 - 11PM
Im_always_fine
Im_always_fine's picture

I straight up asked my kids

I straight up asked my kids to forgive me. I told them I'd made a terrible choice that I know effected them and I'm sorry. Kids are GREAT. They GET so much more than we give them credit for. Ask them how it effected THEM....talk about it. And make a pact to help each other heal from the narc, and to become a tighter FAMILY. You just need to go put ALL their art work, trophies,and certificates right back up...right now...go throw some toys on the floor...and tell them the NARC is gone and WE can just be US again. Put it RIGHT. Involve them. Tell them that no one will ever make them second in their own home again. You OWE your kids a happy mother. You can model RESILIENCE.. perseverance... for them. They will forgive you and even ADMIRE you when they look back and see how you recognized a toxic person in your life, took action to remove him, then proactively healed your life and theirs.
Feb 12 - 8AM (Reply to #7)
Maggster
Maggster's picture

Yes I owe my kids

Thanks for your reply and you are so right, I owe my children a whole mother and a good example. I would love to throw some toys on the floor but two of my kids are in college and my oldest has graduated, is working and living with her significant other. I know I can't undo what has been done but it does pain me that I chose him over my very own babies. The regrets just go on and on...
Feb 12 - 9AM (Reply to #8)
midnight7
midnight7's picture

'Regrets are a waste of time.

'Regrets are a waste of time. They're the past crippling you in the present' ~ Katherine in Under The Tuscan Sun. Dear Maggster, you can't change the past - you can change what occurs from this moment on. You can reconnect with your children.
Feb 10 - 10PM
brinamarie
brinamarie's picture

I hope you can find a way to

I hope you can find a way to stay NC & co-parent i grew up with an N mom, who did exactly what you're saying your husband did..and then some. and the outcome was detrimental to mine & my brother's mental health. you have a very important role/obligation to explain that he has faults due to an illness (when they are old enough) and reassure them they are loved and accepted that is what my father always did for me, he was my rock & hero.. he kept crazy lady off my back for 19 yrs. I dont know what would have happened to me if I didn't have him, i would have went insane. Having an N parent causes low self esteem, anger, behavioral issues, depression/anxiety.. They need lots and lots of extra love & guidance. Stay strong xoxoxo
Feb 11 - 6AM (Reply to #5)
Maggster
Maggster's picture

My N is not the parent of my

My N is not the parent of my kids; how thankful I am for that. My kids have a great relationship with my ex husband but I became so selfish for such a long time and so many of my decisions put the Narc ahead of my kids. Hard to take but I will listen to Goldie and work on me for now. My kids are wonderful and I pray they will forgive me.
Feb 10 - 3PM
Goldie
Goldie's picture

Not a good idea to be talking with your children about this yet

YOU need to heal first and what you tell your children should not come from us. When you are ready and have done some more work on you, the words will come to you and they will be from your heart. Any other words will have little meaning at this time. Plus you are newly NC and have not done much of the INNER work yet. This time is all bout you and your healing. There is time to tell your children of your sorrow over your addition to narc and how it must have impacted them, when you are futher along the road in your recovery. If this topic comes up for them of course discuss it, I would just keep it simple for now. Your perceptions are going to change over the next several months as you begin to sort out your feelings and the cognative dissonance gets worked through as you go along in NC. God bless, Goldie
Feb 10 - 12PM
janemarie
janemarie's picture

I am in the same position...I

I am in the same position...I too have 3 kids...we lived with the ex Narc and I left in Sept. Not a week goes by that one of them doesnt mention him or one of his kids...they still refer to his kids as "step" siblings...heartbreaking!!!!! I dont know how old your kids are...my oldest is 9 and understands a lot...I just let my kids take the lead...I answer any and all of their questions suited to their age...I have told them that I was sorry for uprooting us from one home and moving in with HIM...I told them that people make mistakes and I made a big one...I assured them that the next time I will date the person for a long time before I make a huge step like that again (and I really mean it)..... When they grow older, they will realize that we left this horrible relationship to benefit not only ourselves but them as well.....Im hoping mine look proudly at me one day as being a strong mom who loved them beyond anything or anyone else in the world....and Im sure they will as your will also!!! Dont be afraid to be honest...without describing too much..they dont need to know every detail....Being honest builds trust!!! Good luck! xoxo
Feb 14 - 10PM (Reply to #2)
Emmy2002
Emmy2002's picture

My Son Is Awesome..

My son is 9 years old & he has been my rock through all of this. He totally understands what is going on. He cannot stand his father. He calls him the "Random Guy' that we knew. I tried to make their relationship work.I text his dad to remind him to call, but he was too busy with his new victim. When his dad would call my son would never answer. He sees what his dad does to me & has seen me cry many times. It's hard to hide my feelings when he is with me 24/7. When he knew I had to go to court for an order of protection against his dad he insisted on talking to the judge. He was also the only witness that saw his dad go to hit me in the back of the head after a visitation pick up at my place of employment. With his testimony the judge told the ex that he cannot have visitation for 6 months with his son. Plus he needs to get therapy sessions. When my son heard that news he was so happy. He is in counseling himself for the abuse his dad put him through. I think it depends on your child & the circumstances on how honest you should be. I'm very honest with my son. He is the one I need to protect. The abuse stops with him. He will not turn into his dad.