At my lowest...

Hi Ladies. I haven’t been on the site too much lately because I’ve been dealing with so much due to finding out that my exN has given me something. Due to what it is I’m going to have to have minor surgery. I found this out on Wed and Thursday I was at my lowest. I shed tears like I had never shed tears before. The tears would just not stop flowing. I’ve been pretty strong for the last two months and I think I finally just needed a release.
I’ve noticed some posts about being worried to get checked. GET CHECKED!!!! It’s always better sooner than later. Don’t under estimate what these monsters are capable of because in the end, all they care about is their selves. I know it’s hard and scary to get yourself to do it because I was putting it off until his ex girlfriend told me he had given her something (I wish I knew this long before). The same ex girlfriend he was sleeping with during our relationship because he was lying to her too. Good thing I did because I could have caught it too late.
This experience is so devastating and humiliating because I’ve always been really good about taking care of myself and getting tested. But for some reason during my 2 years with him, I didn’t do it after the first year. This is just something I routinely do whether I’m with someone or not because you just never know and this clearly proves that. I should have made him show me proof that he had been tested but even if those tests were clean it wouldn’t have mattered because he was cheating throughout. I trusted this man with my heart, body, and soul and he managed to destroy each one. I loved him so much and tried everything to make it work and help him grow. It seemed to me that he had a lot of hurt inside due to his childhood but what I was seeing was the tell tale signs of a Narc instead.
Leaving this relationship I’ve noticed a change in me. I’m not the same women. He’s left me scarred. I don’t desire to be with anyone. I don’t even miss the intimacy. I know this is probably temporary but my soul just feels broken and I can’t even express this to him in hopes that he will feel some kind of remorse and give me a little justice. I’m sure if I did tell him he gave me something; he would only project it on to me and accuse me cheating. I was faithful to that man in every essence of the word. I gave him the best love that I could give him. He just wasn’t whole enough to accept and appreciate it.
Every time I start to find my way he will do something to push me back a few steps. He sent me a letter in the mail last week making demands of me and threatening to take legal actions on a matter that he has no argument for. I know this is just a hoover maneuver but it’s downright disgusting the lengths that they will go.
The stress of all of this is affecting me greatly. I feel run down, tired and even had to get muscle relaxers because I have strained my back neck and shoulder due to how tense I have been. I guess I didn’t realize how strongly it was affecting me because I was feeling pretty strong. I mean I feel proud of how well I’ve been doing and the moments of weakness are only natural and healthy. Crying it out sometimes is necessary to rid of all the toxicity they have left behind. We have to feel what we’re feeling and release it. So it’s okay to cry, feel angry, sad, and mad and any other emotions that surface during this experience.
I’ve filed a Restraining order on him because of his attempts to intimidate me. I’m nervous about how this will make him react but at least I have protected myself in case anything does happen. As I read more and more what these emotional vampires have done to each one of us I try and grow strength from it and from each of you. This site has truly been a blessing in my recovery and especially the women on it. We must not let them break every ounce of our strength no matter what they have done or thrown our way. My heart goes out to each and every one on this site and those who are not but still suffering this toxic disease that is a Narcissist.
I wanted to share some links to some songs that I’ve also drawn strength from and deeply depicts how I feel right now. They’re by Adele. Her music is so poetic and full of soul.
Rolling In The Deep: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rYEDA3JcQqw (This one is my fav right now)
Set Fire To The Rain: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FlsBObg-1BQ&feature=related
Turning Tables: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FlsBObg-1BQ&feature=related
If anyone needs some encouragement for getting tested feel free to private message me because I know how difficult this is. Sometimes it just takes some encouragement.