my head hurts with thoughts.

You aren't crazy and being angry is really normal when you are healing from an abusive trauma and betrayal by someone you thought that you could trust. Everyone re-acts in a different way but in general it follows the same pattern. You are hurt, angry, want to re-connect, want to do harm, then No Contact kicks in and it starts to fade. It takes a different amount of time for different people but the fading will begin and you will even be able to laugh a little in time. You have to figure out something else to think about. I found this today: Let go: I am letting go a challenge that is disrupting my peace of mind. I choose not to let it. I have a source of inner strength that gives me understanding and helps me gain insight, patience, and peace. I release my concern and preconceived ideas about how this situation will unfold and I am ready for great results to come from leaving this individual. I have a positive outlook and with renewed strength I relax into a realization of a peaceful presence and will let events develop according to their own agenda. I have the right resolution to this situation and the perfect outcome will result. you might want to do a burning bowl ceremony and put everything on paper all the anger and stressful things-just everything you are thinking about this man. Then put the paper or papers in a fireproof bowl and burn them. When your mind drifts back to thoughts of anger read the meditation or find your own or write your own. An affirmation that is brief and you can say to change your thought pattern is. I release all old, unwanted thoughts and habits and my world is now being filled with new, desirable, life-enhancing thinking and acting. I am strengthened, I am inspired and I am free.

Hi, I just want to add that I am REALLY proud of you for staying away from him. I know how difficult this was/is to do, and you have come such a long way. You are experiencing a lot of normal after effects. ANGER, being one. Anger helped me a lot, and I had a lot of pent-up bitterness toward mine. All the times I wanted to tell him off, but didn't. I feel like totally ignoring him was the worst thing to do to him, if any. I fully believe in this. Any attention, even bad is GOOD for them...it reinforces how 'important' they must be to occupy our thoughts like that. Do whatever you can to stay away...bit by bit, it gets easier. One day, peopele like you and I may even be able to find another healthy relationship!?? There's a lot to look forward to. Keep telling yourself that you deserve MUCH MUCH better than him. Hugs!

I think I know how you feel, however I never can know exactly how you feel because you are you and I am me! What I can say is this: No contact is the way forward because ultimately you do have to give up this type of person because they will never change (although I always throw this back if a client asks 'Will he change?', by asking, 'Have you tried to change aspects of you?' I think this gets the person thinking how hard any change is, then I add 'we change if we have an investment in change and my guess he has no need to chnage, he gets what he wants being just like he is, and after all there are plenty more fish in the sea,there will always be someone else he manages to fool (for a while at least), however as many have suggested on this message board, your life will change for the better whilst the abusers life will go round and round in ever decreasing circles. The reason I say all this is because if you hold on to this fact what he says to others about you begins to have less significance. If you believe in yourself and you KNOW you are right (even on the days you doubt yourself or your truth, I bet that little spark at the centre of you never completely gives up because it KNOWS), you will also begin to have faith that the truth speaks for itself eventually (although often it takes longer than we would want). What has helped me enormously is Buddhism (or mindfulness if you want to take the religion out of it. I mediate every day and I have learnt to let go of the anger or any thought of wanting to take revenge and I feel at peace inside myself. That is the best place to be. I also believe in karma, the idea that we reap what we sow, so this too lets you off the hook. He will get what he has sown (again it may take longer than you would want)and because it takes longer he will carry on falsely believing he can get away with it, but eventually it will come back and he will get all the lessons he gave you! The other thing I note is your comment about friends understanding or not. The truth is no one can understand your experience but you. No one knows what they would do, or could do had they been in your position and after a while you will realise that this does not matter either, just breathe out and let it go! (Again meditation can help here, you know and the Universe knows). Although talking it out and having friends who do understand can help, sometimes to keep on talking and to keep on thinking does exactly as you have said: it makes your head hurt. It also means you are ploughing a deeper rut and instead of him keeping you stuck, you start to keep yourself stuck. You made a choice to have NC which takes so much courage and willpower so you can now move to the next stage and remember not to think about him! Whilst going over the 'what-if's' is a normal part of the grieving process you also need to break this up with things to take you forward, otherwise you risk going crazy. It is hard to do this, however your plan for 2010 is to invest in yourself. That does not mean necessarily financially, it can mean doing fun things and basically just being kind to yourself like you would be to a best friend. If this was your best friend would you be saying to her every day, 'come on lets sit down and go over and over this again?'. Maybe not, maybe you would be saying, 'do you fancy the cinema or a night in with a girly DVD', or maybe you would offer to highlight her hair while you watch TV, or maybe you would buy her some flowers or turn up with a home made cake, or offer to take her kids to the park. In short you would try and cheer her up, so how about you make this your motto for this year, for yourself. If this year seems too big to face, think about this month, and if this month is too long, how about this week? Sometimes it is simply saying to yourself 'get up and do something else'. Which reminds me what am I doing here.........I'm going to make myself a nice cup of tea and eat one of those luscious chocs I got for Christmas. How about you join me!! A good fun book to read is: 'It's called a Breakup because it's broken'. It isn't about abusive relationships per se but it is humerous and it does put a lot in to perspective! Be kind to yourself and learn to stand back. The further back you can stand the less detail you see eventually it fades from view. If you keep taking a microscope to it...........!

I know exactly what you mean, I think we all do. I think everyone who has endured this type experience can relate, and I promise it will get better. For me personally it took a full year to really shake this stuff off and get my brain to return to normal. But, YMMV (Your Mileage May Vary) however having No Contact is pretty much a MUST. I hear ya big time on your friends not fully understanding - don't worry about that, they just have never experienced this crap. Thank goodness you do have a friend who you can talk to fully and who understands 100%, you are very lucky. Hang in there, time will heal you and since you are getting smarter every day about these type personality disorders, you will hopefully not go through this ever again! :)

Hi whatever2009 I am really new to this and I feel like you do at times. so you are not alone in your feelings. When I start to have these racing thoughts that at times get sort of mind consuming I no longer allow them. Really hard to do but you need to stop thinking and walk away from were you are and make yourself do something else is what I was told. I usually think at night when it is quiet in the house and I am alone. So I put on loud music and clean or take the dog for a walk or just get on the computer and find someone to talk to. My personal goal is to not let the thought of him take over my life anymore. I suppose in the next month my house will be really clean! your not crazy.... nope...!