My coping mechanisms aren't good

Thanks for that, cherryblossom. I'm still in shock at the D&D. So this new mantra will help me through this. Retrain my brain...I'm gonna work hard at that. Thanks so much for the supportive words. -Leah

Hi Marissa, thanks. I got back into therapy a few weeks ago. Within days after the breakup I could tell that it was no ordinary breakup and I was severely depressed, but it took me over 5 or 6 weeks to get a good & sliding-scale therapist. The one I have now is awesome. I wish I would've found him sooner. I'm holding off on meds 4 now, but have used them in the past. So my reaction is totally normal...and that makes me a normal person, as opposed to a PD'd person....do I have that right? Ok, I'll try to let that sink in. Sometimes I still feel crazy. -Leah

I need the reminder that it's a trauma. Thanks, Briseis. That's how I feel - traumatized. While that was the 1st time we had sex, we were intimate (in other ways) when he visited me three months earlier, which was right after he found out he had herpes. I remember the first time he 'took care of me' and then afterwards, said to me, 'Well, I need a release too!,' in an angry tone. I said, 'I know, I was just thinking about that.' We hadn't discussed what we were comfortable doing in light of his herpes diagnosis, so of course I didn't jump to touch him. So then he said, 'Well, you should you say something!' I was scared and confused. No one had ever spoken to me like that during lovemaking. And it was so different than how he behaved during the rest of his visit. I couldn't reconcile the 2 sides of him, so since the weird/angry guy only made an appearance a few times during that visit, I disregarded it & didn't say anything about it. One of my friends told me that if a man had spoken to her like that the 1st time they were intimate, she would've gotten out of bed & asked him to leave, for good. I know why I didn't say anything - because I grew up in a f*kd up home with a BPD mom and couldn't ever say anything. So here I was with this crazy, unpredictably abusive guy...and I tolerated the insane moments to live for the good moments. I'm still saddened that I didn't stand up for myself and my boundaries. That was one of MANY moments that I just let him abuse me, or subtly belittle me, or control me...and I didn't say one thing to let him know my boundaries had been crossed. It was like I had no boundaries. I literally invited him in to invade my body & psyche. I'm shaking my head as I write this. I'm not happy with how I became submissive and silent about mistreatment. I sacrificed myself to have more 'good times,' at the cost of my self-esteem and mental health. Now I'm crying. I can't believe I stayed with someone who treated me like that. It's very sad that I opened myself up to abuse. I behaved with him the same way I did with my mom as a kid; as a kid I took whatever came to me, because I didn't have the power to do anything different. My brain was in childhood survival mode when I was in relationship with him. It's like I met him and all my co-dependency went into high gear. Ok, I only cried for a bit. I'm okay. I'm just very, very sad. Really, really horrified that I put myself through this. And to see that he was on skype last night (I didn't talk to him, I just got notified by skype that he was online)...probably talking to another woman. It's still making my stomach turn tonight, 24 hours later. I deleted his skype address from my account, so now I won't know what he's doing, thank god. -Leah

Hi idealk. I do sometimes miss the nice guy. At other times I'm horrified by the split personality he has. The guy from the 1st 3 months of our relationship wouldn't have behaved the way the 'other guy' did. I still can't reconcile the two. Sometimes it gives me a panic attack or I want to cry while I'm teaching. It's awful. Sad to hear you're in the same space. Today I handed in my lease termination letter - I'll be moving out to his area on Jan. 1st. I will pray to every deity that I don't run into him for a long, long time. I need to build up strength to deal with that. I'm not ready now. Hope you feel better. Thanks for your support! -Leah

Thanks blueeyes. I bought these 2 books: Why Does He Do That? : Inside the minds of Angry & Controlling Men & Narcissistic Lovers: How to Cope, Recover & Move On The 2nd book is more helpful, since it's more focused. The other book is helpful, but it takes some different stances that don't apply to NPD relationships. Yes, the info is helping. So I'll keep reading until it sinks into my thick skull. And I'm gonna keep posting like crazy. I feel like I need to right now. I've noticed that when I have too much time to let the thoughts about ex-N stew in my head...I either get aninstamt panic attack or slide into hours of depression... I'm not able to manage my emotions right now, even though Sunday marked 10 weeks. It's unbelieveable. In the last 15 years of my life, I've never lived through something this traumatizing. Maybe 20 years. Thanks for your support, it really helps! -Leah

I didn't speak with him. Sorry for the confusion, idealk. It just made me nauseous to know he was online. He had bought that webcam to skype w/ me long distance. Now he's charming someone new, less than 3 months after he threw me away. I had forgotten that his account ID was still in my contacts list. I cried a lot last night and feel really angry. My gut's in knots. Thanks for your support. -Leah

Michele, thanks. Yes, I need to get to that stage when this isn't preoccupying me anymore. When is that gonna happen... I am moving in Jan. & looking for work...the big transition will distact me. But I'll be in his area and I don't think he knows I'm moving there. I'm worried I'll bump into him and it'll be really upsetting. Because my mom has BPD and I'm relatively estranged from my parents, my sister is my only family, and she's in law school, so she's not free to talk for several more weeks. I'm blessed that I have a large circle of friends and a spiritual community, and they've all been supplements to my once-a-week visit to my therapist! They know the once-a-week visit isn't enough for me right now, and they've all stepped up, at all hours of the day, to listen. They're awesome. What I can't get over is how he threw me away, when we had spoken almost every night for over 5 months! He claimed it was because I sent him an e-mail the day before that had lots of feelings that he didn't have time to deal with, and that his feelings for me weren't as strong as my feelings for him (total reversal). He yelled at me about an insecure habit of mine (sometimes I say, 'Are you sure?'). [now I'm super insecure about that habit and get nervous every time I do it] The man on that breakup call was a completely a different man from the one I met 6 months before. It was traumatizing. I had just visited him 4 weeks before the breakup, spending about $1000 on the trip. We had sex (my choice) even though he had found out 3 months before that he had herpes...because I THOUGHT THAT WE LOVED EACH OTHER and that we were working towards a long term relationship; why else would I have taken that risk? And during sex, he was strange (no emotion) and controlling/domineering...I felt raped at the time, but stuffed it & got submissive & did what he asked, because that's my old pattern from childhood. And I was confused. It was only our 2nd week in-person together, and in the 3 months since he had visited me, everything had changed. I was so confused by his behavior when I visited him. I can't seem to get over the shock. All that time & investment meant nothing to him. I understand NPD. But as a huma with a full range of emotions, I can't understand how the NPD does this with no remorse nor acknowledgment. It completely horrifies me. While I agree that I'm lucky to have dodged a bullet...on some deep level in my psyche...beyond my intellect...there's a small voice in my head that keeps asking: -What if I had called him on his behaviors, instead of ignoring them or pushing them aside? -If I had pointed out his behaviors to him, would he have changed? -Did my co-dependent reactions aggravate his behavior? Would he have improved if I had stood more in my power? Did my submission or flat out denial of abuse acutally incite him more to D&D me? *sigh* Sorry for the long reply, Michele. I'm still spinning. -Leah

what I'm going through. Thanks for letting me know I'm not the only one who does that, Jean. : ) -Leah