Mr. Pink...

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#1 Sep 22 - 8AM
Krooks
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Mr. Pink...

Hi all. I'm writing because I am hoping for some insight/advice into what's been going on for me (please be kind as I'm very timidly coming back to the forum)... I have gone back and forth with NC - at times days/weeks w/o any contact/responding and others right back in the fire. Of late (at least from May till now + on) I have leveled the pendulum to where we don't really see each other but talk/tm abt 1x a day. (yes, that is not NC but a huge step in my journey forward). I consciously fill my weeks, weekends with plans with friends, activities I enjoy, time to myself, (although I do at times feel like I'm forcing it/just distracting myself from what is "really" going on for me...).

Anyhow, I want to remove "him" from the discussion because I believe more and more that the issues with going NC are entirely with me. As we all see - if we want these people out of our lives, we remove them from our lives. Full stop. It's hard & excruciating at times but we do it because we know we need to. I'm going on four years and even though I'm not as enthralled with it all as I used to be or as all consumed by his every word (lie), whereabouts, etc. etc., I am still involved. And I recognize that that involvement in and of itself, should it continue or be re-engaged, may stunt me from moving forward in all aspects of my life. So, I'm going to use an analogy that should work for the most part...

Let's say I love the color pink. But as much as I love the color pink, I know matter of factly I look grotesque in it. Yet, I'm so in love with the color pink that whenever I see a pink sweater, t-shirt, etc., I buy it. Almost impulsively. I have to have it. And we're talking even $2,000 riped & worn cotton t-shirts - so long as they're pink. That said, because I am aware of how horrid I look in pink, I never wear the pink items I buy. I wouldn't dare be seen out in public in something pink. I don't even try them on. ... Sure for a while I wore a pink sweater here and there around my apartment or to sleep in but I gave that up cause now I have too much to do - that I want to be doing - to sit around hiding out in my apartment so I can wear pink. So I stash all of my pink sweaters and t-shirts galore away in my closet in a place no one could ever see. I think about them but the majority of my thoughts don't carry with them much weight - i.e. I'm not wishing I looked good in pink; I'm not wanting me to look good in pink; I'm not thinking how I could change, dye my hair, get botox, get a nose job or a boob job, lip implants, etc. to try to make pink look good on me... I have accepted pink & I = disaster. Social & career suicide. And not in some misfit-toy-factory-could-be-okay-if-you-accept-the-quirks way -- in a world where I loathe myself & often felt I would be better off dead than living through. And that is simply not worth it - I can just not wear pink & be okay... I have perspective. It's only one color of many and simply doesn't suit me. I am surrounded by friends and family, have a great career, have goals again as to what I want to do next with my life, feel ambitious again, am active and counting on myself, learning to trust myself again - hell, I'm even learning how to paint... Pink doesn't even need to be the color of the rags I use to wipe the floors with in that world .... so long as it remains hidden in my closet.

So there's the catch (& the reason for writing this - finally!!) - if you tell me I had to throw out the pink clothes, if you tell me to burn the t-shirts & sweaters, if you tell me I could never buy another pink item again - I begin to completely freak out. I panic. I break into a cold sweat. I want to run to every store up & down madison avenue and bathe in pink garments. I feel like I loose all sense of sanity and pink is all I can think about. I cry, I sob, I kick my feet & pound my fists like a child. I beg for pink to come back, promising I'll wear it, promising I will do superhuman things - turn pink even if I had to - if I just don't have to go without pink in my life ... And each time I've gotten to that panic stage - it hasn't diminished in time (even for a period of months at a time) until somehow pink is an option again.

... And another oddity I am struggling with is if you tell me another woman - short, tall, beautiful, ugly, fat, skinny, whatever she is - looks great in pink, amazing even, should be decked out in head to toe pink forever, I am jealous (I am by nature regardless) -- but I do not lose it the way I do when I am faced with the thought of never having pink in my life again... I can handle someone else looking good in pink.

... What I get, I think, (although I cannot seem to mentally conceptualize it) is that pink needs to be removed from my life entirely for me to move on. Nothing actively hidden in a closet is healthy. Having a past, & things you want to keep to yourself is one thing. Actively placing current things in a removed place (segmenting your life) is not okay - even if you're not lying about it to anyone else in doing so. But what I keep thinking (lying to myself about(??)) is that it will fade out in time. I am rebuilding my foundation, I am doing the right things for me. I'm being selfish when I need to be. I'm setting boundaries in places I never realized I needed those boundaries. I feel mostly like me again. I have put pink in perspective for the most part... And as I continue to rebuild myself, pink by its very nature will cling to & be stuck in the child-like past I experienced before the adult I grew into as a result of those experiences truly existed. ...

So the story in my mind goes that in time I will see a sweater with pink buttons or stripes or whatever, and won't have the impulse to buy it, and then eventually I'll see full on pink outfits & won't be phased by them...And then one day down the line (far down the line) when I am moving into a new home with the man I chose to spend the rest of my life with, we'll stumble upon the secret pink stash & without thinking much of it, though maybe with a slight unconscious instantly fleeting pang (for what I/we all have gone through - not for him/them), walk past the pile marked "donations" and place it all in the pile marked for trash...

... I realize I really over did it here with the pink analogy - so forgive me for that - I just want the emphasis to be on me/us - not him/them & the bad, worse, worst, full on psychotic... I am also very present and mindful of the contradictions in most of what I've said -- which is why I'm hoping to hear what y'all think... (that is of course if anyone actually made it to the end of this!! :-P)

Thanks in advance. The stories I read on this site are a constant comfort and inspiration. ~ K

Sep 22 - 1PM
Deidre99
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I LOVE how you put this; this

Sep 22 - 10AM
Grymel
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Pink is my favorite color!

Sep 22 - 12PM (Reply to #9)
Krooks
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Thanks all

Sep 22 - 9AM
Done sourcing
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Contradictions and thinking

Sep 22 - 9AM (Reply to #7)
tryingtorecover
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Ewe

Sep 22 - 9AM (Reply to #2)
spinning
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DS, you nailed it

spinning

Sep 22 - 10AM (Reply to #3)
IncognitoBurrito
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Just like the above posters

Sep 22 - 10AM (Reply to #4)
Done sourcing
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Yep, not one drink. In AA we

Sep 22 - 10AM (Reply to #5)
tryingtorecover
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Quitting drinking...and pills

Sep 22 - 12PM (Reply to #6)
round3
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Agreed! TTR - As of right now... Yeah