Mr. Pink...
Mr. Pink...
Hi all. I'm writing because I am hoping for some insight/advice into what's been going on for me (please be kind as I'm very timidly coming back to the forum)... I have gone back and forth with NC - at times days/weeks w/o any contact/responding and others right back in the fire. Of late (at least from May till now + on) I have leveled the pendulum to where we don't really see each other but talk/tm abt 1x a day. (yes, that is not NC but a huge step in my journey forward). I consciously fill my weeks, weekends with plans with friends, activities I enjoy, time to myself, (although I do at times feel like I'm forcing it/just distracting myself from what is "really" going on for me...).
Anyhow, I want to remove "him" from the discussion because I believe more and more that the issues with going NC are entirely with me. As we all see - if we want these people out of our lives, we remove them from our lives. Full stop. It's hard & excruciating at times but we do it because we know we need to. I'm going on four years and even though I'm not as enthralled with it all as I used to be or as all consumed by his every word (lie), whereabouts, etc. etc., I am still involved. And I recognize that that involvement in and of itself, should it continue or be re-engaged, may stunt me from moving forward in all aspects of my life. So, I'm going to use an analogy that should work for the most part...
Let's say I love the color pink. But as much as I love the color pink, I know matter of factly I look grotesque in it. Yet, I'm so in love with the color pink that whenever I see a pink sweater, t-shirt, etc., I buy it. Almost impulsively. I have to have it. And we're talking even $2,000 riped & worn cotton t-shirts - so long as they're pink. That said, because I am aware of how horrid I look in pink, I never wear the pink items I buy. I wouldn't dare be seen out in public in something pink. I don't even try them on. ... Sure for a while I wore a pink sweater here and there around my apartment or to sleep in but I gave that up cause now I have too much to do - that I want to be doing - to sit around hiding out in my apartment so I can wear pink. So I stash all of my pink sweaters and t-shirts galore away in my closet in a place no one could ever see. I think about them but the majority of my thoughts don't carry with them much weight - i.e. I'm not wishing I looked good in pink; I'm not wanting me to look good in pink; I'm not thinking how I could change, dye my hair, get botox, get a nose job or a boob job, lip implants, etc. to try to make pink look good on me... I have accepted pink & I = disaster. Social & career suicide. And not in some misfit-toy-factory-could-be-okay-if-you-accept-the-quirks way -- in a world where I loathe myself & often felt I would be better off dead than living through. And that is simply not worth it - I can just not wear pink & be okay... I have perspective. It's only one color of many and simply doesn't suit me. I am surrounded by friends and family, have a great career, have goals again as to what I want to do next with my life, feel ambitious again, am active and counting on myself, learning to trust myself again - hell, I'm even learning how to paint... Pink doesn't even need to be the color of the rags I use to wipe the floors with in that world .... so long as it remains hidden in my closet.
So there's the catch (& the reason for writing this - finally!!) - if you tell me I had to throw out the pink clothes, if you tell me to burn the t-shirts & sweaters, if you tell me I could never buy another pink item again - I begin to completely freak out. I panic. I break into a cold sweat. I want to run to every store up & down madison avenue and bathe in pink garments. I feel like I loose all sense of sanity and pink is all I can think about. I cry, I sob, I kick my feet & pound my fists like a child. I beg for pink to come back, promising I'll wear it, promising I will do superhuman things - turn pink even if I had to - if I just don't have to go without pink in my life ... And each time I've gotten to that panic stage - it hasn't diminished in time (even for a period of months at a time) until somehow pink is an option again.
... And another oddity I am struggling with is if you tell me another woman - short, tall, beautiful, ugly, fat, skinny, whatever she is - looks great in pink, amazing even, should be decked out in head to toe pink forever, I am jealous (I am by nature regardless) -- but I do not lose it the way I do when I am faced with the thought of never having pink in my life again... I can handle someone else looking good in pink.
... What I get, I think, (although I cannot seem to mentally conceptualize it) is that pink needs to be removed from my life entirely for me to move on. Nothing actively hidden in a closet is healthy. Having a past, & things you want to keep to yourself is one thing. Actively placing current things in a removed place (segmenting your life) is not okay - even if you're not lying about it to anyone else in doing so. But what I keep thinking (lying to myself about(??)) is that it will fade out in time. I am rebuilding my foundation, I am doing the right things for me. I'm being selfish when I need to be. I'm setting boundaries in places I never realized I needed those boundaries. I feel mostly like me again. I have put pink in perspective for the most part... And as I continue to rebuild myself, pink by its very nature will cling to & be stuck in the child-like past I experienced before the adult I grew into as a result of those experiences truly existed. ...
So the story in my mind goes that in time I will see a sweater with pink buttons or stripes or whatever, and won't have the impulse to buy it, and then eventually I'll see full on pink outfits & won't be phased by them...And then one day down the line (far down the line) when I am moving into a new home with the man I chose to spend the rest of my life with, we'll stumble upon the secret pink stash & without thinking much of it, though maybe with a slight unconscious instantly fleeting pang (for what I/we all have gone through - not for him/them), walk past the pile marked "donations" and place it all in the pile marked for trash...
... I realize I really over did it here with the pink analogy - so forgive me for that - I just want the emphasis to be on me/us - not him/them & the bad, worse, worst, full on psychotic... I am also very present and mindful of the contradictions in most of what I've said -- which is why I'm hoping to hear what y'all think... (that is of course if anyone actually made it to the end of this!! :-P)
Thanks in advance. The stories I read on this site are a constant comfort and inspiration. ~ K
I LOVE how you put this; this
Pink is my favorite color!
Thanks all
Contradictions and thinking
Ewe
DS, you nailed it
spinning
Just like the above posters
Yep, not one drink. In AA we
Quitting drinking...and pills
Agreed! TTR - As of right now... Yeah