Moving Forward

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#1 May 8 - 10AM
phantom adoration
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Moving Forward

My husband left last September after a 22 year relationship. Details really don't matter as my story, with a few details adjusted is just like everones else's.
The names and locations the only variance to the circumstances.
If he were to be believed it was all about me. My insecurity, my weight, my health, my inability to show him how much I loved him, my need to compete with him.
Although I did not recognize the red flags (you know the ones, if they'd been snakes they could have bitten me)comments like, you dress like an old lady, you act like an old lady and I don't want to be married to an old lady.
Fact is, I am middle aged, close to pushing the button that says "Golden Years", but keep up, walk, swim, do yard work, even wield a chain saw. Never enough.
Now that I am seven months out the flags I overlooked have lined up and I have had the time to study and analize each one, rub the fabric of deception between my fingers, get a feel for it.
For the first several months I suffered the gut wrenching pain of having my life pulled apart by opposing emotions, love, hate, confusion just to name a few. Sleeplessness, depression, anxiety, hopelessness, anger....
I began NC even though I was not mentally committed to the process. Still hopeful, still keeping the door open.
Realities and facts began smacking me in the face, he took another woman on a theme cruise that we have done annually since it began. He avoided a court hearing by feigning an emergency and even was admitted to the hospital. Turns out it was a bruise. He has not paid any support for myself or our daughter since November. So this hearing was critical. Now it has been re-scheduled for August. Eleven months since D and D.
In that time I have been diligently crossing my t's and dotting the eye's. I have gathered information, googled information and followed my intuition every step of the way. What a powerful asset. I have manitianed NC even if it meant sitting on my hands. I journaled, pasted here and read.
We own two properties, in different states. He is in one and I am in the other, a convenient circumstance for each of us. My intuition led me to believe he was likely entertaining there. Understand this is our home, filled with our life, photos, tea cups, pillows all the things we gather to pad our nest, childhood mementos....the thought of an OW fondling my things, including him made me sick. My mother's cups, my father's books, my daughters things...I was anxious but knew there was little I could do. Or was there? I gleaned from a conversation I had that he might have changed the locks on the house he was living in, our house. I researched this and questioned my attorney about same. she said it is hear say, but if he did you can break in, like break a window. Turns out he can not do this legally. It is our home, just as the one I am in is our home. I have not changed the locks. Suddenly I was mad, like wet hen mad. I began to develop a plan.
I determined I would go there and remove all of my things!First thing was to contract for a storage facility, easily done via the Internet, same for the movers. Had an interview over the phone with both concerns. Done.
Next fly to the other area and borrow a car. He was out of state btw. Critical to the plan was determing where he was. I was not sure until I was committed. I was determined to go through with it regardless of his whereabouts. I would have just called the police. While driving I arranged for a locksmith to meet me, I was very confidant I would need a locksmith. Remember, I was completely within my legal rights. I also had the locksmith send him the bill.
After signing the contract with the storage facility I went to the house and waited a short time for the locksmith, who got me in, no questions asked. Once in the house I began earnestly taking things off the walls and out of cupboards. I put a neon orange sticker on everything to be packed and moved. I was on my own. Exhausted, I began looking through some papers left out and others in our file cabinet. OMG, so much information.....facts, times, a virtual tour of his affairs, as in plural, literally and figuretively. All out in the open, dates, names, salacious stuff. I gathered and copied everything.
The movers came early the next morning. Motivated by limited time we set about packing up 22 years worth of belongings, the greater percentage being possessions I brought into the marriage. I was also permitted to take 50% of martial belongings, by law. So I did, as much as I could squeeze into the moving truck. We finished in a day and a half and were out of there. I implicated no one, asked for no help, told no one what I was doing.
In the meantime someone noticed me being there and took it upon themselves to inform my N, who happened to be near our other home in another state. So he goes there, asks the couple taking care of my daughter to leave, begins going through the desk, various cupboards, drawers looking for who knows what. My daughter asked him to leave and he replied, "it is my home" and she said "it is my home too". Accuses my daughter of plotting with me todo this. I never told her. when I knew he knew I told her, strictly need to know.
She called a good friend who came and took her. I have no idea how long he rummaged through the house but knew he would find nothing because I leave nothing, all pertinent info travels with me, everywhere.
He did send me a text later in the day "you'll need to get a ride home from the airport", which indicated he took my car.
A vindictive action borne of my action! Yeah.
So all that to say this , you do have some control and you can turn the negative into a positive and take action...
Look for the opportunities and act, be observant, tenacious, don't ever give up, be your own advocate. No one will look out for you or your interests better than you.
A narc thrives on control, it is his lifeblood, without it he falters. His arrogance and ego cause him to be so over confidant he makes stupid and incriminating mistakes which you can use to your advantage. Thier opinion of themselves knows no rival. Afterall he is GOD like and no one can best him.
Patience and time and being smarter will beat them. Afterall they sought us out remember?
The control they have extends beyond the life we had with them. Everything about life without them has been controlled by them and their actions, loss of income, loss of confidence, friends, family, a long list. When we start taking control of our life we begin to untangle from the web they caught us in. In very sublte way their actions will in fact control us forever, how we act, how we love, how we trust.
I did get the car back, a women judged ordered it returned.
Game on!

May 8 - 1PM
Janie53
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PA

May 8 - 11AM
phantom adoration
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Thanks everyone....

May 8 - 11AM
chris53
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you go girl! :-)

May 8 - 11AM
Sparrow
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My dear friend

May 8 - 11AM
abreva
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OMG ---- Hooray!!!!!

May 8 - 10AM
Used
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phantom adoration

May 8 - 10AM
Hunter
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:)

May 8 - 10AM
BtrflyGrl
BtrflyGrl's picture

Wow Phantom, that is an

May 8 - 10AM
spinning
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phantom, it is obvious you

spinning