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moving on

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#1 Jun 28 - 4AM
Used
Used's picture

moving on

I am always reluctant to say...i am done with narc, but I believe I have reach that place.
ON 21st june, I blocked him ,his family and anyone who knows him from F/B..still kept saying to myself..you are just having a good day used!!!.
Time has continued and i still kept saying to my self, I cant be over him...but here I sit today and I know its finished..
YES he will always be a part of who I am, I know and accept that now...

I have had only 2men in my life..my exhn who I was married to for 31 years[since I was 16] and then the narc for 6.1/2 years..nothing will ever change that...but they are now my HISTORY.this board has helped me so much...helping me know my narcs..but more importantly, helping me to KNOW my self and who i am ,and why I GET INVOLVED..with these men...I saw him yesterday...it was 93degrees here[had a heatwave]..I had lovely summer clothes on ...he had a big army coat on[he has become so obese], but this time I didnt smile to my self and think loser.... I just walked on.. YES I know there will still be bad days...
STRANGLY ENOUGH....this could become a dangerous period for me, as when i no longer feel connected to him...I could actually say hi[I dont know if anyone can understand that] but when someone is unimportant to me..i can say hi...b/c they have no impact on me...but in his case I cannot afford to that.....HE HAD HIS CHANCE HE BLEW IT AND THAT I WILL NEVER FORGET...

I will never look at another man that way again....and i have no problem with that....even tho its been 20mnths nc...I have not looked at ,or spoken to a man[i didnt already know]....IT sounds grim but it is not.... I have now settled down to the life i have chosen for my self and am content with it.....I have had the chaos, fighting, destruction....now I live for the peace....that I have earned the hard way....love to you allxx

Jun 28 - 10AM
Bitter-sweet
Bitter-sweet's picture

Congratulations, you really

Congratulations, you really sound as if you have regained control of your life! I don't think it sounds grim at all. It sounds as if you have done the work and made conscious decisions and choices based on your past experiences. Choosing peace is a very positive choice.
Jun 28 - 10AM (Reply to #7)
Used
Used's picture

BITTERSWEET

I did just that...i sat down and thought right what makes me happy what makes me unhappy.....and it went from there.. it in some peoples eyes..boring and mundane...in mine ...it is the sureness in knowing...no depressing phonecalls...no bodies whipping boy...no body saying where the fuck are you and me hurriedly phoning a cab while is stays on the phone talking while i am in the cab...so what road have you got to now....how much longer are you going to be...arriving there and i cant even pay the cab driver propley cause i have got the shakes...he was a TYRANT..HE WAS MY MUM, MY CAREGIVERS..MY EXH AND PRETTY MUCH SOMEONE WHO I LET TAKE ME OVER....i love reading...i didnt read a book for nearly 4years...if i tried to have a quick look in library..he would say for fucks sake do it when you are not with me......all that has finished.. i go to library...i watch tv..come here[no chance if i had been with him]...i go out when i please, i come back when i please...for the first time in my life...its my own life that i am leading...for the first time ever....OMG UNBELIEVABLEABLE...I do still get panic attacks and friggen anxiety.. but that is life i know in part its also about the life i have lead.....its my demons coming a knocking...SO BE IT...THANKYOU YOU ALL SO MUCH FOR HELPING ME GET TO WHERE I AMXX
Jun 28 - 9AM
Lobo555
Lobo555's picture

:)

Ahhh, I can't wait to be where you're at! It's very encouraging to read this. I, too, choose peace over drama. This is why I avoid CharlieSheenWinning and all of his WinningFriends even though people keep telling me to "get over him" and to go where he hangs out so he doesn't "stop" me from living my life. He's not stopping me from anything I want to do. I just don't want to be around the b.s. anymore. I want peace. I want sanity. It's not avoidance, it's choice. I choose to have a b.s.-free zone around me. As for having another man in my life romantically -- like you I say thanks, but no thanks. Not worth the headache, heartache, and pain.
Jun 28 - 8AM
spinning
spinning's picture

Used, I am so happy

for you. I know the hard, hard work and the pain you plowed through again and again to get to this place. I agree. Peace is indeed bliss. Chaos and destruction, gone forever (I hope and pray). Walk on with heads held high and hearts open to those who see the beauty. Thank you for sharing, Used. I need to read these positive posts to keep the focus on the light. Love, (not) spinning. NEVER EVER AGAIN. NO WAY.

spinning

Jun 28 - 8AM (Reply to #4)
Used
Used's picture

SPINNING

THANKYOU SO MUCH...ONE OF MY RELIZATIONS WAS WE ALWAYS SPENT MOST OF SUMMER TOGETHER....THIS YEAR...I WOULDNT EVEN WANT TO BE IN THE SAME SPACE AS HIM...I DREADED LAST SUMMER FIRST ONE WITHOUT HIM...IT WAS OK I COPED...BUT THIS YEAR ITS NOT EVEN ABOUT COPEING ITS ABOUT NOT WANTING HIM AT ALL...AT LEAST MY EXNH HAD THE DECENCEY TO MOVE OUT OF THIS AREA....LOLSPINNING I KNOW SOMETIMES WE ARE IN THE SAME PLACE...BUT I WISH ALL OF IT FOR YOU TOOXXXX
Jun 28 - 5AM
janine
janine's picture

Glad to hear this

It's just great you are moving on after all you've been through. What you say about never looking at another man again this way is what I feel, too. Of course I have this loving sexless relationship with my husband I am most grateful for. Though Narc has at no point been a man I'd have lived with (caused a lot of resentment his side)since he's too disordered, we had so much together I'd never found before and am unlikely to find ever again. Nobody ever shared my interests and adventures like he did, no man has been such a lasting sensual playmate. That's why I had stayed for so very long despite being aware of what price I paid. It is encouraging to read your words and makes me hope that I shall manage to settle down and be content with a peaceful life. It would be most unlike me, I try to regard it as a learning process and will remember that you said it doesn't have to be grim.
Jun 28 - 6AM (Reply to #2)
Used
Used's picture

janine

i hope to still give hope to other people and thankyou for reply.... i still want him and always will i guess, but it still would only be as afriend. and I so remember the good times we had[even thats a sign of healing for me] when I only think of bad times I havent healed.. I HAVE SO GOT TO KNOW MYSELF.... He will never change, and heres the thing..neither will I ?...SO IT IS, AND WILL ALWAYS BE STALEMATE...SO THERE IS NO POINT...IF I THINK OF MYEXH, ITS IN PASSING...I HAVENT REACHED THAT STAGE WITH NARC BUT I WILL...and so will you..as for you saying its most unlike you.... believe me when i tell you, my own life has been chaotic..eventful..and sometimes downright dangerous... What I have now has been a long thought about choice...AND I KNOW THATS THE WAY IT HAS TO BE...VERY OLD FRIENDS HAVE SAID...WOW USED, WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU DONT DO THIS DONT DO THAT ANYMORE...WELL WHAT DO YOU DO WITH YOURSELF..SO I TELL THEM...I SOMETIMES THINK I HAVE LIVED 3 LIFETIMES...I HAVE PILED SO MUCH INTO MY PAST....BEEN THERE DONE THAT...MAY BE MY NARC WAS MY LAST SHOT OF WHAT WOULD HAVE BEEN IF I MET HIMBEFORE MY HUSBAND AND MARRIED HIM .ANOTHER PLACE ANOTHER TIME ANOTHER AGE....IT WOULDNT HAVE BEEN PRETTY..THAT I DO KNOW...LOL