Move Forward!

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#1 Oct 7 - 7PM

Anonymous (not verified)

Move Forward!

I've been noticing something on the boards here. The people who cant go no contact seem to be looking for reassurance of that behavior from other members.
I feel like this keeps all of them stuck.

I want to say that WE ALL UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU ARE FEELING. It's not a matter of if we understand what you are going through. We've ALL been there.

But coddling and telling you we understand is not going to get you anywhere. You are backpedaling. We want you moving forward, so we say we understand BUT..no contact no contact no contact!

There are a ton of excuses not to. But what REALLY helped me was Barbara and the other women being a little tough with me because they cared and knew what they were talking about! I did finally go no contact. I got my divorce. Yes it was hard. It's still hard to put a life back together. And it's scary as hell!

But. please. Stop going round and round for years and do something. You found this site! What a gift! What will you do with this gift? It can save your life and sanity. Will you listen and act?

Sorry. I just had to say this.

#2 Oct 9 - 2AM

tasha

you gotta be cruel to be to be kind...

I saw that when I first came to this site-I just wanted to see or speak to him one last time-to tell him what I thought of him. As the weeks went on I read why NC is so important. I finally read 'women who love pychopaths' though I didn't like the title and didn't think I loved a psychopath. But I have come trust and value the opinions of those who regularly post here. The information and insight is invaluable if you want to get better. It had to start with total self honesty. At first I did'nt always like what was written here-thought eveyrone was sour. Then I realised, that I was all too forgiving, I had been brainwashed and I blaming myself for everyting that went wrong. I've been told more or less to 'wake up'!! AND I AM NOW THANKFUL. I'm moving on, not as fast as I would like-but getting there. I think the best thing that has come from this whole experience, was learning about me and a whole lot of things to do with pathologicals-that I never knew, had no idea! I share the things I learn here with friends who are open minded and get it or who have been in abusive relationships in the past. Now that I get it! Thankyou all ladies.

#3 Oct 9 - 6AM (Reply to #16)

Barbara (not verified)

tasha

No one likes the title of WWLP - but as you now know - Brown uses the term PSYCHOPATH to encompass all pathologicals. Sour? No. Bitter. Absolutely. Cruel? ummm.... Speaking the truth is not a sign of bitterness. It is a sign of wholeness and stark, unblinking courage. http://www.lisaescott.com/2009/08/05/youre-just-bitter-woman Keep coming here tasha. And keep healing. ~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Pathologicals only discard the best, most precious of gems of people... not the worst. They despise the strong, principled, decent & honest. Their discarding of you is then their highest commendation of your worth!" - A.V.

#4 Oct 10 - 6AM (Reply to #17)

tasha

sorry...

didn't mean to offend Barbara what I meant by 'cruel to be kind'-sometimes it's better to blunt and to the point-than to molycoddle. That worked for me.The truth hurts and I didn't want to hear it when I first came here-I was in denial. And it was easier for me to see the women here as sour and bitter-than to see my XN for what he was. I'm sorry that I felt that way now. I'm greatful for this site and you Barbara, because I think if I didn't find it,I would have gone back to him-even after everything he has done to me. I will keep comming here, there are still things that I need to learn and understand. Again thanks.

#5 Oct 10 - 2PM (Reply to #18)

Barbara (not verified)

tasha

you're welcome I hope you keep talking to newbies like Ellen and jorobo who are still struggling with their own denial. ~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Pathologicals only discard the best, most precious of gems of people... not the worst. They despise the strong, principled, decent & honest. Their discarding of you is then their highest commendation of your worth!" - A.V.

#6 Oct 7 - 9PM

cynthia (not verified)

THANK YOU

I needed scolding, could it just possibly be if I followed ALL the guidelines for recovery it just might get better, I THINK SO. Nothing more frustrating than trying to help someone and they refuse to help themselves, and that is where is starts within ourselves to take the right steps because nobody can do it for us, I often wished my parents were still with me, last time I visited their grave site I prayed for them to watch over me and help me get thru this horrible ordeal. I realize now it wouldnt really matter, I was actually ashamed because this is not THEIR battle, sure I miss their love and support but I am a grown adult and its my responsibility to overcome this, the best advise I received on overcoming abuse was: Although the abuse was NOT YOUR FAULT, its still your responsibility to stop it and recover from it; while that may not seem fair that is the hard fact if we are to make a better life for ourselves.

#7 Oct 7 - 9PM (Reply to #5)

tina

cynthia

I am sorry you don't have your parents anymore, they must have been wonderful people but I believe they are watching out for you. You sound very strong, I love the advise you shared too, we all need to be reminded of this for we only go around once in this life. Hugs:)

#8 Oct 8 - 5PM (Reply to #6)

cynthia (not verified)

tina

they were the absolute finest people I have ever known, they lived a full long life, died at 91 and 92, about 4 months apart from each other, and they died SO IN LOVE, fine, decent, wonderful people, Tina I would be ashamed if they knew what I got myself involved with, it would have broken their hearts. When my dad was dying my mother went over to him and tried to kiss him, just one day before he died he managed to pucker his lips , he was in and out alot because of the morphine, you know when he passed away my mother and I were with him and my mom said please dont leave me daddy wake up, I wanted to show that example of how wonderful genuine love is 65 years they were married, and she couldnt live without him died 4 months later. I keep that as a wonderful example of how we should all be loved by our partners until the very end. Something a narcissist will never know or share with anyone

#9 Oct 8 - 6PM (Reply to #7)

tina

cynthia

What a beautiful story! Your parents were blessed to have each other and you to have them. I know what you mean about ashamed tho, as I said my mother raised me with good morals and self esteem. God, she was so disappointed in me when I cried and grieved over that jerk of a N after he left me. After many months of holding it all inside and not telling anyone, I was totally falling apart one day so I decided to tell my mother how the love of my life, my soul mate had left me. Hmm...did you watch that clip Monica posted on the board staring Madea? Well, my mother pretty much said ALL of that to me except she wasn't quite so nice about it :) Of course I didn't listen, just cried and cried saying how she didn't understand etc. I could tell she was so disappointed. How much time I wasted but that crap is in the past, everyday is a new day and we grow stronger and stronger. They have not won! But I too pray that if not us, our children will find partners that will respect them and love them till the end.

#10 Oct 8 - 6PM (Reply to #10)

cynthia (not verified)

your so kind

But I too pray that if not us, our children will find partners that will respect them and love them till the end. Thank you Tina for listening to me tell about my parents, I will miss them until the die I die. Children learn by example, WHERE DID I GO WRONG, MY GOD. I think my mom would have been furious and very upset with me too, she would have said how could you have let something like that happen, what is wrong with you, the guy is sick, we taught you better. Its tough love I guess Tina, guess I would be mad at my daughter too if she told me a story like the one we have lived through, remember too your mom probably doesnt know the pathology of what these men do and all that comes with that, so it would be a shock to anyone who is not educated on them. When my parents died they left both my children enough money for a college degree, it was a proud moment when my daughter received her psychology degree, they would have been proud. My son is studying to be a pharmacist. I spend my time dwelling on a sick psychopath and look how much I have to be proud of, pain masks many things in our lives, and destroys everything that was once dear to us. I never once stopped to remember, look what I have that HE WILL NEVER HAVE, I will have memories and pictures and my children and grandchildren, he will have a drawer full of sex toys and empty relationships and many many many lives he destroyed due to his illness.

#11 Oct 8 - 6PM (Reply to #11)

MsMGM (not verified)

: )

Cynthia, You were so blessed to have your parents for so long. Now is the time to make your parents proud! When you think you can you are half way there! Believe in it. I do daily. With that and the help of all of these postings I have clarity every day. I'm not saying it is easy as we all know. But, tomorrow the sun will shine, the birds will sing and without fail we will put a smile on someones face that deserves it. Be strong!

#12 Oct 10 - 10PM (Reply to #12)

cynthia (not verified)

Now is the time to make your parents proud!

Very good insight, and I never thought about it that way, that brings back something to mind "making your parents proud", my dad wanted to be buried in his navy uniform, I remember him in the casket, for those of you who have experienced seeing a parent in a casket its a horrible reality to face, someone who was with you your whole life someone you have known the longest in your life, now gone it didnt seem real at the time. Those were MY EXACT words to my father the last time I viewed him, I told him how much I was blessed to have him and that I would make him proud of me, ya well couple months later I was involved with a psychopath, sometimes that haunts me. I realize it was NOT MY FAULT that I trusted someone who took advantage of me, but as I look back, maybe going through this experience figuring out issues I had about myself that lead to it will shape me into a better person in the long run, someone I can be proud of. Its not the way I would have chosen to be a better and stronger person but we dont always have choices. Many times traumatic experiences change people for the better, the choice is ours, we can let it destroy us or we can fight and get back up when life brings us down. I truly understand now the saying "you cant change people", because it is so true, but I have changed. Seems it takes trauma or tragedy to change us. What I endured will have a purpose A GOOD PURPOSE, it wont be for nothing it will stand for something that will turn my life for the better, maybe that is the reward that is waiting for all of us, we should all be proud of ourselves

#13 Oct 10 - 11PM (Reply to #13)

grossot

cynthia

This is beautiful, Cythia. Thank you for this. I like the thought that we've become stronger through our tough times....even if its not how we would have preferred it. That must be what it means when they say God has a plan for each of us. We need to die to ourselves everyday and let God's plan take effect. I attended a memorial service for my great aunt today. Something stuck out to me and I'd like to share it with all of you. It was like an aha moment. For those of you that got this a long time ago, I commend you. Someone giving part of the eulogy said the part of 1 Corintians 13 that talks about 'love is patient; love is kind'. The part that stuck out to me was 'love does not insist on its own way'. I have read and heard this scripture a hundred times but never really 'heard' this part. What it means to me: I was thinking about it in the precessional. The woman we were burying was married for 63 years! She was amazing;active military nurse; mother of a special needs child who she and her husband had to bury. Had a wonderful husband. Being there re established my faith in relationships. I realize that N didn't LOVE me. I had thought I understood that before but now I get it a bit more. If he loved me he wouldn't have presented his words to me in a way that insists on its own way. It wasn't me being deserving of his 'UN-LOVE'. I hope that makes sense. ~Give a Narc an inch and they become the ruler~ nolongercontrolled

http://hubpages.com/hub/Married-to-a-Narcissist?preview

nolongercontrolled

#14 Oct 11 - 2PM (Reply to #14)

cynthia (not verified)

Thought about that too

I have read and heard this scripture a hundred times but never really 'heard' this part I have read that so many times Love is patient and love is kind, its really very beautiful. Yes you make sense, none of us deserved to be unloved by these individuals, and because they are unable to care and love they gave us the only thing they knew how to give in a relationship. I found something in the past few weeks that I have been given that is a plus from what happened to me, yes a PLUS if you can believe it, I relate differently now to others, as if I am MORE REAL AND GENUINE that I have ever been, I am in awe of all my surroundings, it could be as simple as a flower, a beautiful day, or a song, its hard to explain. I think because we searched so hard within ourselves in our betrayal and recovery little did we know we were learning to love who and what we were again, regardless of the horrible rejection we endured from our pathological. We always knew down deep we never deserved what they did to us, cant tell you how many times I would say, HOW COULD HE DO THIS TO ME, ME, ME ,ME, i AM loved in my life by so many others and yet this person is the ONLY person who simply cant see all the good things I am, what is wrong with that picture, what is wrong WITH HIM starts to sink in rather than what is wrong with me, there was nothing ever wrong with ANY OF US aside from human faults we all have, but there was plenty wrong with them thats for sure and we begin to see that and work through it and accept we were with a defective person. It takes time though to recover from something like that because it is so out of our realm of normality. Slowly things begin to get back to normal in our lives after we remove the abnormal person from it. I dont know if God planned this in my life or not, cant say for sure if God plans for us to endure loss and trauma for a greater purpose for us. I do know my Psychopath's abuse gave me a gift I never had before, faith in myself and self awareness that I am just fine the way I am nobody can come along and permanately destroy all I ever was. In the end I am still ME a little messed up me, but still ME and that he will never be able to take with him.

#15 Oct 8 - 6PM (Reply to #8)

4joys (not verified)

cynthia

My grandparents were like your mom and dad. I always wished I would have that kind of relationship. I think this dream of mine is what kept me stuck with bad men. I just wanted the dream so badly. Now, I know I will never have that dream. I have other dreams. dreams that dont include men. I could never trust and love like that again. BUT..I will never allow my heart to be broken like that again either.

#16 Oct 8 - 8PM (Reply to #9)

tina

Dreams

Years ago, my then husband and I were at a restaurant having lunch when I spotted an older couple in a booth close to ours. They looked so happy! She was telling him a story and he was laughing and laughing. The way they looked at one another, the genuine respect and love they had for each other was obvious. I remember saying to my husband, 'I want that to be us. I want us to always think the other person is the most important in the whole world." He smiled and agreed. 20+ yrs later we were divorced then I meet Mr. Slick (exN) and I was more naive than I was when I was in my 20's! I'm with you, 4joys, NEVER AGAIN. It hurts too much. BUT I will not give up on my dream for my children and grandchildren to find a wonderful life partner, I will not.

#17 Oct 7 - 8PM

tina

4joys - you go girl :)

DITTO!!! Did I not say you were one smart cookie??!! I agree, earlier today when I was reading responses to what some of us were saying about NC, taking baby steps by finding a hobby, I felt bad that I may have caused someone to feel I didn't understand what they were going through. God, nothing could be further from the truth! I care deeply about all of you and trust me, tho my story may be different, I would never simplify your feelings. N's suck the very life out of us and it takes time to heal but WE must be the ones to move forward with our lives. As 4joys said, we have this site, what a wonderful gift! Many abused have no one to tell or understand their pain. We only want you whole and happy. We are in this together. You can do this!

#18 Oct 7 - 7PM

Hoping2Heal (not verified)

Thank you!

#19 Oct 7 - 7PM

Barbara (not verified)

4joys

thank you 4joys you get a gold star for "GETTING IT"!!! ~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Pathologicals only discard the best, most precious of gems of people... not the worst. They despise the strong, principled, decent & honest. Their discarding of you is then their highest commendation of your worth!" - A.V.

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