More help on NC...

I'm at the 22 day mark since the horrible D & D where I also learned I'd been blocked from his phone. This after five years of...whatever the hell it was that I thought was real. I have never, ever experienced something so ridiculous. I am in my early 50s and have had a few relationships that mattered. Those people remain my friends. My ex-husband and I talk. People who I've slept with and cared about I still care about and they still care about me. I thought that was how it worked. WTF is this? Why has this disordered person and the dreadful thing that became our "relationship" got me so twisted up in knots?

I had sincerely hoped the obsessive thoughts would be less intrusive by now. I am struggling to deal with the FACTS and not the hurt; FACTS are he brought nothing good to my life, it was work, work, work, black was white and white was black, I always, always got the opposite of what I requested, etc. I knew it was time to get out and had tried for more than a year, last year exact same time with 20 days NC before he came pounding on my door and scared me. And I let him in. Whatever. The issue at hand is what's happening now. The last cards have been played. It's done. I'm done. I want to stop dwelling. I try to stop dwelling but it seems it's ever-present.

Does anyone have any input regarding the obsessive thoughts? I know Lisa says when we choose to obsess we are avoiding dealing with something inside ourselves. I try to divert the obsessive thoughts with REALITY but they continue to intrude. When I examine what's going on inside, it's pain and then ANGER. I want REVENGE. I want to show him in oh so many ways that he messed with the wrong woman and although he tried to take me down, I don't go down that easily...all of that secret Godfather movie type revenge. I know it's fantasy.

Ladies, whomever, can someone offer suggestions about this at all? Like Briseis says, feelings are an internal barometer but I feel like I'm stuck. I feel like as long as the monster is taking up space in my brain I'm still in it. I WANT OUT!!!Any help or reinforcement?

Sincerely (trying to stop) spinning