The monster within the Man

10 posts / 0 new
Last post
#1 Sep 29 - 8AM
onwithmylife
onwithmylife's picture

The monster within the Man

I think one of the hardest things in getting over these men is not only to realize that they are 2 different people, the Jekyl and Hyde personality but to understand that the monster is what is THEIR REAL PERSONNA, not the good, caring side they used to initially brings us into their spiders web. That was made clearer to me by one of the women here posting a link to Sandra Brown's article on Cognitive Dissonance, actually I copied the article, allthatglitters put it on the post and thanks so much, that seems to have been somewhat of a turning point for me. i have struggled a lot and part was making contact wih him in the form of a letter ever now and then because I am having such a hard time of letting him go and as someone else said, so much reminds you of the person, it becomes overwhelming at times.and that you are breaking up with not one but two different people, it is right on the money.Whenever I have written him and I think i am done,I have received a hateful,mean spiteful letter blaming me for EVERYTHING,but in the end strangely, enough his letters and realizing how sick the man is are helping me move on by bringing his true colors to light. I think if he had sent me a caring, kind letter it would be much harder to move on...............

Sep 29 - 1PM
Briseis
Briseis's picture

Amen sista :)

Amen sista :) (((hugs))) This sounds TERRIBLE. But it's more like "This Man is a Monster" than "The Monster Within the Man" :( I will be going along in my life and these memories will come up and slap me upside the head. Memories of him TELLING ME that he is a monster. I'm serious. Admissions! Brief ones, they came out of left field and I ignored them in confusion at the time they happened. He was a "devout" Christian when I met him. He told me of his past and said "You do not want to meet the person I used to be." Yeah, no shit. Cuz here he comes. That's what was so confusing about my exNarc. He had a side that seemed human, or it was human. He had this appearance of a "good person" trying hard to get out from the "bad person". It fooled me right enough. It's not that Narcs are "evil". It's that they are destructive, completely isolated emotionally, so deeply self centered they are blind to the real existance of other people's inner lives. They hurt other people just being themselves. Some are sadistic and enjoy watching the suffering they create. My exNarc had this quality off and on. What gets me nowadays is that I thought I was "powerful" enough to DO something about him. I thought I could help or change him. What an absolute JOKE. There really are bad people out there. This is our lesson, to have these Narcs in our lives and to overcome and thrive in spite of it all. And never get tangled up with one of those nutjobs again.
Sep 29 - 3PM (Reply to #9)
onwithmylife
onwithmylife's picture

hi briseis

Your comment to my posting was extremely helpful I, too, thought I could make a DIFFERENCE thought my love and the person i was to make him see the light, seems to be typical of us women, even though he had so many failed earlier relationships. As you said WHAT A JOKE and I do agree with what you said, they are not purposely trying to be evil, it is just the way they learned to cope in the world, i know his mother smothered and doted on him and if she was narcissistic too, which i believe she was, never let him escape from her and made him her appendage, much like he treated all the significant women in his life, his pattern was pretty much the same thru all his relationships and then when he devalues someone for FINDING HIM OUT, THE MONSTER, he gets rid of them on any false pretense and blames them for everything, when I wrote once to him who is the common denominator of all your failed relationships, he went beserk and I was dead meat!!!Your comment, "they hurt other people just being themselves" is INCREDIBLY PROFOUND and is now seared in my memory bank! Thanks again for your insight.I realize I have had a hard time coming to TERMS with loving a monster,too bad he wasn't the cookie kind!!!! you would make a great therapist too!
Sep 29 - 9AM
outoftheblue
outoftheblue's picture

Stay strong

Agreed. It's shocking how nasty, evil, malicious they can be when you write nice, well meaning, caring letters. But you are right, it's a blessing in disguise, a present with a shiny red bow. Because if he responded like a human being, you would not remember why it was over in the first place. And recovery would be that much harder. It's amazing how words can cut you down to the bone. He will take your words, twist them, and use them against you to feel stupid. He will do this to feel better about himself. The monster inside is the one writing the emails. The man you loved doesn't live there, he was only vacationing a short while. Don't give him the ammo. Its so hard to let go. My situation is that a long ago ex who never fully left my heart came back and went scorched earth on me when i wrote him a caring letter wishing him the best. It was uncalled for and shocking and landed me here. Whenever I want to write an email to him I come here instead. Good luck xo
Sep 29 - 12PM (Reply to #2)
onwithmylife
onwithmylife's picture

outoftheblue

thanks for your kind words and deep understanding, we all talk about no contact but everyone is different and for me writing to him, nothing else, has let things evolved,maybe slower than absolutely no contact, but it has shown me through his horrible ugly words, like calling me a "slut, whore", "I am having free sex on the internet with any man who answers my posting", "first come,first served"," saying I am into cybersex", which I would never consider, how absolutely demented the man is, it was as laughable as shocking, considering I am the exact opposite of that and that he NEVER knew ME at all.............i have not even slept with anyone since him and am so careful when and if I do.The last thing he wrote me is that I am desperate and depraved , of course he is speaking of himself, how the heck would he know what I am feeling after all this time apart from each other? Let me know your thoughts on what I just wrote?
Sep 29 - 1PM (Reply to #3)
outoftheblue
outoftheblue's picture

First, I'm sorry you had to

First, I'm sorry you had to deal with that, it's so awful to read things like that written about yourself. I don't know him, so I can't tell you what's going on in that nasty little mind of his, but I have some general thoughts on it. All the sexual comments are designed to hurt you, because you are never more vulnerable than when someone who has been intimate with you turns around and uses it against you. You literally gave him yourself and now he's throwing that in your face. I'm not anything close to a psychologist but to me, and I could be totally off, he is just projecting how unworthy he was of you onto you. I mean, if you were so desperate and depraved, and he was with you, what does that make him? If you are as he says, well why bother writing at all? When I don't care about someone, I'm not going to take time out of my day to explain why. That's a waste of my time. So why is he sharing that with you? To hurt, no other reason. He's desperate and depraved, and he knows it. The opposite of love isn't hate at all, they are actually pretty close together. It's indifference, which is why you have to stay NC. I asked my (non-N) husband whether he would ever be nasty to someone he once cared about. He said it would be pointless, and also that karma takes care of people that do stuff like that! If this man was decent he would not be saying those things to you. You would wish each other well and that's how it should be. But I'm sorry to say that not all fairytales have happy endings, and you are just going to have to walk away from this one sadder but wiser. And btw, I was completely blindsided by my exN, thouroughly fucked up by him, and he hasn't been in my life since 1995. And I'm happily married for 10 years. So we can all get trashed by these people. Good luck, big hugs, and PLEASE don't give him the satisfaction of writing to him. Deny him the supply of writing those nasty hurtful things to you. Xo
Sep 29 - 2PM (Reply to #4)
onwithmylife
onwithmylife's picture

outoftheblueagain!!

Your comments are so spot on, I knew he had to be talking about himself,I liked what your kind husband had to say as well, why shoot someone down, it all could have ended in a kind and nice fashion, but i do believe with these people they HAVE TO BE RIGHT AT ALL COST, and in order to pick their pathetic selves up,MUST put you in your place and as you so eloquently said,they hit you below the belt where it hurts, like the awful sexual comments to me, knowing deep inside his rotten soul, that I am not the person he portrays, like you said, why would he have spent all those years with a slut and whore, oh cause he found out a few years ago I was on the internet looking to make new friends, after HE DUMPED ME for the millionth time and how dare I go out seeking to meet new friends, better yet, I just curl up in a ball and waste away. It is funny, outoftheblue, because many times when we made love, he was a real human being and use to say I could get any man 10-20 years younger than me, I was the best lover he ever had, he never thought of anyone else when we made love,on and on he went with the compliments,he must be very depraved and desperate,and now he is thinking of cybersex of all things as a means i guess to satisfy himself,I am glad you had your husband in on my posting, it is always good to get a mans point of view as they know each other better than us women do, at least i think that may be the case!,Hugs and thanks!You would make a wonderful therapist,very insightful!!
Sep 29 - 3PM (Reply to #5)
outoftheblue
outoftheblue's picture

Hope it keeps you from

Hope it keeps you from writing to him. You deserve better. I haven't actually written my story but I got into it in the post abuse that flies under the radar. You can look if you want, you can see they hit us all emotionally and without warning, attacking the areas they know will affect us the most. Him telling you that you could get a man younger was HIS insecurity that you were going to replace him with a younger model, it's such a strange thing to say. He sucks, you were too good for him, next! And btw, what is this forum except a place for people with similar experiences to become friends and support each other? Sucks for him that you have an outlet and he has to miserable alone!!!! I have an amazing support system, great friends and family, and NOT ONE knows or understands what I am going through. I am so grateful I found this site, they would have institutionalized me otherwise!
Sep 30 - 7AM (Reply to #6)
onwithmylife
onwithmylife's picture

outoftheblue

It is funny because i moved away a some months ago and posted an ad to looking to make new friends, under women looking for men, as I went to a city i knew no one and put down an age range from 50-65, he is a few years older so in that letter he sent me, he said very indignantly, you put down ages that are younger than yourself and definitely younger than me, so that totally RULES OUT anything more between us, you can see the insecurity and jealousy swooping in on him, i did not write this back but felt like saying take a number and I just may consider you...hahahah Forgot to ad that he went on and on and i do mean on and on.. about all the sexual predators,sugar mamas creeps,felons, etc. on this website...what a laugh.........how did you find your nice husband, lucky you!!!Happy for YOU!!!!!!
Sep 30 - 7AM (Reply to #7)
outoftheblue
outoftheblue's picture

New friends

Geez- he just had to make it about himself, didn't he? Well NOW he cant be with you any more, you are looking for younger friends! Should you go visit the local nursing homes to make new and exciting friends in new city? Seriously, it's not like you wrote you were 25 and looking to go clubbing! I met my husband as I was recovering from the exN and was very young. After the exN found me, built me up, then obliterated me I cannot tell you how much more I appreciated my hb. I know that I dodged an enormous bullet, but I kept a place in my heart for this guy for 15 years and he was completely unworthy. All my lovely memories, destroyed, the whole thing was crap. I didn't know whether I should be participating on this forum bc my life, well, it's not affected in any way that's apparent by this contact. But the shock and pain is real, so I guess I have some right to be here. Sounds like your guy is an insecure creep trolling these sites to do what he is warning you about! Write what you need to say to him here, it will do more for you and he can't cut you down. He wants your attention.