Money and narcissism

Narc husband forgot to pay me the (maintenance) money he gives me each month and now the account has gone overdrawn and I am gona have to pay the freaking charges. He probaly hasn’t even got it. The bank were phoning up try to talk to him a lot mid month.

I hate money… it has the power of certain destructive forces

I am dreading the conversation with him.

I hate it when it comes to this. Asking him for money and the abuse that comes with it.

I wish I had my better finances myself, there not great, but I make sure I can pay my bills and I am worried that he just doesn't have it this time.

It will come in dribs and drabs and each time it will be about power to him. He will feel more and more used and sucked dry like we have stolen a part of him...

I will feel more and more tapped in his little mad world.

I hate this mortgage and I hate this town.

I wish I could go take my son but how can you do that. You need money to sell a house and you need a nice house that isn’t subsiding and next to a government building.

My job is good and I am good at it and I would be scared (while I am so wobbly and suffer low mood so often) to try to find a place like I work in now. I’m in a good team and I am lucky... there is however narcissism in the whole machine for which I am just a cog.

I want to get out of this society. Be more-self sufficient… find ways to use money less and invest 'real power' into community living.

Power that empowers people, not enslaves them.

SO if I sell the house I loose money. My mum is a bit manipulative because she invested money for me to buy house and now its not as nice as it was through ware and tear she is abusive about my home and blameful about my situation.

Complicated weird history of narc husband, frantically, stripping wallpaper but never ever actually decorating a room.. then blaming me cos I didn’t help, with a little baby and a busy job, a garden etc. anyhooo.. I feel trapped in this generally narcy society.

What I am saying is my fear comes not just from him, or my mother because she can be often very kind and as for him he can also inhabit some better sides of himself from time to time and I know now of course that its all an ‘act and I can frame it like that’ and without it crippling me like it used to, but the fear in me comes from ‘the day to day troll’ though life where most people are on the defensive and most people are somewhat 'dysfunctional' and unable to operate with empathy or mutual honorable values.

Its become the whole way of living that we see being spread out before us. We are socialized to be less responsive to each other to be less aware of each other or other people’s feelings or needs, to care less for the holistic universe and push for egotistical self-preservation and individualism.

If we really had a real backbone as a society why do we allow the children in Ghana to have to live, survive only, by scavenging bits of metal and micro-chips on toxic rubbish dump that we put in there countries, in the name of progress and development.

Is that right, but it happens.

I wish I could be free of this.
Live totally free with my son with a community of people who have the ability to be communicative and open.

READ, non violent communication. Language of life, by Marshall Rosenberg…

Great book..

I hope one day we all have what we should need to be truly happy..