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Missing 'Pretend Guy'

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#1 Jul 14 - 4AM
Anonymous (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Missing 'Pretend Guy'

excerpt:

When I discovered there was something called Narcissistic Personality Disorder, and that ‘my friend’ the N, had 18 of the 20 characteristics….(actually he probably had all 20.) I still foolishly thought that the N could be fixed.

I’ll wait for you to stop laughing.

It took more time and more instances of D & D for me to realized that his personality disorder was woven into the very fabric of his ‘being’. This ugly ‘quilt’ that was his personality could not be changed. You couldn’t go to the store and buy a new duvet and tuck the ugly quilt in it… something new to make it pretty… This disordered individual could not be thrown into the washer with Mountain Fresh Tide and an extra cupful of Downy….there was no way to wash away his abnormal way of interacting with people…

Okay, enough of the bedding analogy. Hope it helps you understand.

After weeks of reading… actually it took closer to a year, for me to be able to wrap my mind around the fact that ‘my friend’ was not what he presented himself to be. He wasn’t Pretend Guy. Pretend Guy didn’t exist… he never had. Coming to terms with that made me feel like I was in some weird Twilight Zone movie marathon, and that Rod Sterling was going to walk out from behind the drapes.

With all that said, it still didn’t stop me from missing Pretend Guy.

Read the rest of this terrific post here:
http://elissestuart.wordpress.com/2009/03/06/missing-pretend-guy/

Feb 27 - 11PM
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Missing Pretend Guy

READ TOP POST & LINK ~~~~~~~~~ The world is a dangerous place, not only because of those who do evil, but because of those who look on and do nothing. - Albert Einstein Visit My Info. Website for Abuse Victims
Feb 28 - 5PM (Reply to #20)
on the mend
on the mend's picture

Mr. Pretend Guy

I appreciate finding this thread. I met Mr. Pretend Guy online, in a group setting. I knew him for 3 years, we communicated alot online. I thought for sure I knew him. He was such a good pretender. I fell in love with him, deeply in love with him. I thought it was the real thing. I don't think I've ever loved more. Then we met ... and Mr. Real Man was nothing like Mr. Pretend Guy. This past year, we dated; he starting pushing for marriage right away. (We didn't marry.) I stayed in the 'relationship' though, hoping and 'wishing' that Mr. Pretend Guy would surface and be real, but he never did. The life of Mr. Real Man was a mess. He was actually very unattractive in appearance, too, but like everything else, I overlooked it. I overlooked so much, because I was in love with Mr. Pretend Guy. I kept hoping he would come back and be real. I know now that Mr. Pretend Guy is not real, he does not exist. Mr. Real Man lives in a world of delusion and disaster. He worked very hard to bring me into it with him. I went in for awhile, but by the grace of God I got out. I believe there are many Mr. Pretend Guys cruising the internet, looking for prey. Many are loaded with failures in real life, but they can come online and 'dress up' like stable, loving men, win the praises of people that do not know them, and hope to seduce some good women into bolstering their egos and helping them to satisfy their selfish lusts. In my head, I have accepted that Mr. Pretend Guy wasn't real. It's turning off my love for him in my heart that has been hard. It felt so amazingly real. For obvious reasons, I am now very opposed to internet dating. I believe there are many sick and dangerous Ns hanging out online, impressively dressed up in lies ... as Mr. Pretend Guy.
Feb 28 - 6PM (Reply to #24)
rache
rache's picture

INTERNET

OH yes! my mr 66 1/2 year old psychopath/narcissist i met online.He is on several dating sites pretending to be anyone from 18-60 looking for 20-30 year old's.He lies about everything! Online dating is inviting danger.This guy is looking for victims to scam! Not just sex but financial..
Feb 28 - 5PM (Reply to #21)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

on the mend

you need to read this site, daily! http://cyberpaths.blogspot.com and: http://www.lisaescott.com/forum/2009/04/10/rigorous-honesty-first-rule-recovery http://www.lisaescott.com/forum/2009/10/26/online-predator http://www.lisaescott.com/forum/2009/08/12/online-dating-sites-watch-out http://www.lisaescott.com/forum/2009/09/26/fast-track-racing-not-relationships We hope you take the time to post your whole story on SHARE YOUR STORY ~~~~~~~~~ The world is a dangerous place, not only because of those who do evil, but because of those who look on and do nothing. - Albert Einstein Visit My Info. Website for Abuse Victims
Feb 28 - 5PM (Reply to #22)
on the mend
on the mend's picture

thank you ...

Thank you, Barbara. I will look into those. This man was intelligent, much more intelligent than I, and knew ALOT about psychology. He also claimed to be a 'minister', and was ordained at one time, many years ago, though he left the denomination long ago to do a solo act. His departing wasn't under favorable conditions, though I don't know the true story. This was how he hooked me ... I thought he was a caring man of God, living a good life. That's not what I found ... So, in addition to recovering from the mental and emotional abuse, I am also now needing to 'recover' from spiritual abuse. While engaging with this 'minister', I found myself beginning to question many things I once believed. It all became very scary, to feel myself losing faith. When I can, I will share more. Thank you.
Feb 28 - 10PM (Reply to #23)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

on the mend

he sounds like one of these: http://revcjconner.com/?p=60 ~~~~~~~~~ The world is a dangerous place, not only because of those who do evil, but because of those who look on and do nothing. - Albert Einstein Visit My Info. Website for Abuse Victims
Nov 18 - 9AM
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

PRETEND MAN!!!!

You have GOT to let go of the MAGICAL THINKING Ellen - it will sink you for sure. How is THERAPY going?????? It is absolutely 10000% true. This is a NON-HUMAN entity who became a PRETEND PERSON after profiling you and becoming what you wanted to LURE YOU into a relationship and then PREYED on your naivete and false belief system. http://howtospotadangerousman.blogspot.com/2008/08/pathological-child-prodigy-savant-of.html and: ...the women fall in love with a life-size cardboard cut out which is a “look-a-like” of a real man. These are the cardboard cutouts of life-size people you see in Blockbuster Video. The psychopath and the stage of his luring are as shallow and phony as the cut out. With a complete straight face, he can say one thing and do another, do something and say the opposite, or say and do the opposite of what he did last week. These dichotomies produce serious distress in the women because of the chronic instability in the relationship. As they try to align themselves with his belief system, it shifts. As they try to align with his behaviors or promises, these shift. This constant shifting and moving keeps women off-balance and continuously striving to stabilize the relationship. Once he convinces her that their relationship is normal, then he can start to shift her reality further and further off base. He sets up a double bind where she begins to work harder at the pathological relationship (based on her high relationship investment) while he is telling her she just isn’t measuring up and “no wonder she has had no successful relationships.” The double bind keeps her jumping through his hoops while he sits on the sidelines telling her to jump even higher. The harder she works, the more she fails. - Sandra Brown, MA - WOMEN WHO LOVE PSYCHOPATHS ~~~~~~~~~~~~ My Abuse Information Site Online Coaching & Help
Nov 18 - 2PM (Reply to #16)
Ellen
Ellen's picture

I know

Hi Barbara, I know, i know. It's such a hard concept to grasp that i keep fighting it cos the thought of walking this planet with cardboard cut outs is very creepy. If my relationship was something i was lured into then i know it was on his part for somewhere to stay when he left his wife and for a baby to hurt her. He used me to re enact his relationship with his wife until he was properly ready to let it go. I was called by her name, he called my son by his step sons name. He kept the same car even while i was pregnant and it was a low down car, not a family one. Despite this i always said it would pass with him as he was getting over an alcoholic relationship. I just feel like my life has been used..he even says now that he didn't want a baby and that i did. Yet it was the first thing he said to me when we got together. I'm wondering if he is accusing me cos that is what he really wanted and now he has got that he can move on. If this is the case it means his daughter was something he set up to happen to hurt his ex. That is too much for me to believe.
Feb 28 - 6PM (Reply to #18)
rache
rache's picture

Ellen

BELIEVE it-you cannot fight the truth,as,the truth wins out.TRUST me-i fell for and married a card-board cut-out and there(are) more out there! IF you stay in denial-it sets you up for them..........these men are PSYCHOPATHS who are so over come by evil that they are demonic................
Nov 18 - 2PM (Reply to #17)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Ellen

If this is the case it means his daughter was something he set up to happen to hurt his ex. That is too much for me to believe Believe it because its probably the TRUTH! We are all OBJECTS to them. A hammer, a chair - we are NOTHING - even your daughter... an OBJECT to be used. Who gives a crap what he "said"? They say and do everything to provoke a reaction and forget about it the minute after they say it. We are walking the planet with these EVIL yes E V I L creatures. Believe it because if you don't - you will get had by another one. ~~~~~~~~~~~~ My Abuse Information Site Online Coaching & Help
Sep 9 - 6AM
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

missing the 'fake guy'

SEE TOP POST ~~~~~~~~~~~~ CLICK HERE: Articles & information for Narc Victims - Updated Daily "As soon as you feel that crazy sense of walking on eggshells, fending off N-rage, stop. Walk away." - Dr. M. Beck
Aug 17 - 8PM
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

missing "pretend guy"

SEE TOP POST ~~~~~~~~~~~~ CLICK HERE: Articles & information for abuse victims - Updated Daily "Some women can fake an orgasm. But some men can fake an entire relationship!" - Sharon Stone
Jul 25 - 12AM
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

perutoo & whatever2009

SEE POST AT TOP ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Articles & information for abuse victims - Updated Daily Online Coaching for Victims of Narcissists/ Psychopaths
Jul 14 - 11AM
James (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Papa I want to be a real boy said Pinocchio

It’s always been my personal theory that “pretend guy/girl” is who we are having been manipulated in this mirroring stage. Which explains why we miss the pretend person so much. We miss that person because in our reality that person was so real because we are so real. So, who wouldn’t miss an section of our anatomy which is lost due to a accident like losing one’s hand. Wouldn’t you miss that hand at times? Yes, you would so is it like that part of the self now gone due to it being used in the honeymoon stage to hook one into having a relationship with pretend guy/girl. We miss it so, because it was a part of self and who we know exists in us and still does. That is why one needs to look at one self and understand who this person is (pretend guy/girl) inside of us wanting to come out and be a part of our reality. We need to allow this part of self to be able to join our persona and then with this knowledge of self we will be able to see that in others that have those very characteristics and then fall in love with that person who isn’t an pretend guy/girl but is in fact the real thing. http://james-personalitydisorder.blogspot.com/
Jul 15 - 7PM (Reply to #2)
better off
better off's picture

I find this very profound.

I find this very profound. It is like missing a part of your self. Very much. I have been thinking and reading on this, on the idea that a part of me needed to come out and be recognized. He did do that for me. I am in such a numbing marriage that I kind of died on the inside and he woke that up. So now that I am healing from the loss I am thinking about the things that made me light up and feel excited to be alive again, not just from being loved, but from having him fan the flames of my personality back into a fire.
Jul 16 - 12AM (Reply to #9)
James (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Thanks better off

Thanks better off, The good new is that person the real you is still there and await to be empowered again by you. What I mean is that those characteristics need to be explored deeper by you. I will take myself for example. I love people and love to connect with them I get personal pleasure and satisfaction whenever I get the chance to help them. I can share their achievement like it’s part of my own. My ex knew this about me because they are very good at reading other people. One thing to remember about us is that our greatest strengths (good qualities) are also our greatest weakness (flaws) . What I mean is if one loves too much it’s can blind us and not see the bad in others that should be warning us to be careful and weary of that person. Anyway my ex knew these good qualities about me and wanted to have them too. But for whatever reason they have a problem achieving what they want the most so they go on and pretend to have them, mimic it in a way. After awhile this causes (again I not sure why) anxiety because they can’t really get it right so they will then try to destroy those good qualities in you because now they for whatever reason see it as a weakness in you and in themselves. I know this can be confusing and it is to me as well. But... Anyway, by destroying that love you had in yourself and them they are really trying to destroy that which is causing them confusion fear and anxiety that it causes in them. It’s like the old saying we fear and destroy what we don’t understand. They do this too. Now after the relationship ends that love you had in the beginning is still there inside of you but now you don’t trust it anymore. How many times do we hear other member’s state “I don’t trust myself anymore”? Now this love you had between you and the other person has been betrayed in you; so you think. But that’s not the truth because really it was he/she that betrayed you or should I say betrayed the love you had in you all along. Now... This is where the good news comes in. Because you at one time knew what love is. You can now go on and heal and rediscover this love all over again inside of yourself but this time protect it much better. Learn how not to give it up to another so freely. Make them earn it through trial and error. I discovered sometime after my abuser was gone (another good reason for NC) that those good qualities I thought were dead really weren‘t. They were simply repressed and awaiting to be reawaken (personal power) by a kiss of love and compassion. Think of it like the story of sleeping beauty and how a prince needed to kiss her to awaken her from her spell of sleep. But this time you are all of it, what I mean is that you are the prince and the beauty and the kiss is one you give to yourself. In ending all this simply means is that you must take back your personal power something they try hard to steal from you with power over (control manipulation etc) and once again reclaim your prize. The prize you always had and that only needed to be reclaimed once again by you. The moral of the story is this? First, please don’t expect them to ever learn this (the abuser I mean) but the lesson here is one can’t take what one doesn’t have understand or can relate too. They want love but love can’t be taken it can only be shared. Do you see now why love can be so frustrating and out of reach for them? This is why I can’t hate my ex abuser, I pity her and one can’t hate what one feels sorry for. http://james-personalitydisorder.blogspot.com/
Jul 25 - 1AM (Reply to #10)
April (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

I had it all along

Thanks for mentioning this. I was thinking of this very topic this evening. My ex N in the early stages brought out the very best of me. In fact, it is a part of my personality that has been dying to come back out. When I think of it, I adored the former him and the illusion, but he was mirroring me all the while. The things I loved so much about him where within me too. I was all of the things I professed to love about him. I, too, was highly intelligent, charistmatic, extroverted, creative, sensual, fun, genuinely loving and compassionate. All of the false sense of self that he created, I genuinely was. I had all of the characteristics that he recreated in himself. I still do. I can find that person again. I realized I had enough power to pull him out of his little pit of hell,if only for a little while. Now, it is time to pull me out of my own. I have the strength within me. I allowed him to be an emotional vampire for all of that time. I was truly strong and now I have to turn that energy and strong will back on myself. I felt a little surge of power when I recongized this fact. I had it all along. :)
Jul 25 - 9AM (Reply to #11)
James (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Yes, April you did

April, Same here for after she was gone I found James again, the true James. That James she hated so much in me. A James that was patience. Was not forgetful or someone that cheated on her being told that over and over again whenever she felt or worry about abandonment insecurity she had in herself. That James that didn’t lie to her but tried hard not too. That James that had love for others and himself. That James who was secure in his self and strong not the weak person she wanted me to be. Later much later, I discovered myself all over again and God know how much I missed James and believed he missed me. http://james-personalitydisorder.blogspot.com/
Jul 15 - 10PM (Reply to #3)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

better off

sadly, what you describe sounds EXACTLY like what Psycho-Boy did for me in the beginning. ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Articles & information for abuse victims - Updated Daily Online Coaching for Victims of Narcissists/ Psychopaths
Jul 27 - 2AM (Reply to #4)
James (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Barbara

I believe that's why so many of us miss that about them. They used up all that was good and honest, wholesome of us. Leaving us with a dream for a lie. Yet feeling no remorse no regret. Just moving on too yet another victim to feed their ego and lust. What we miss the most is what they took from us, our love. We gave what we prized the most our love and dreams, so I ask of all you, who wouldn't miss that, for I know I do.
Nov 17 - 7PM (Reply to #5)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

when you "miss" him - read this!

READ TOP POST ~~~~~~~~~~~~ My Abuse Information Site Online Coaching & Help
Nov 17 - 9PM (Reply to #6)
Amazed
Amazed's picture

Have you ever fell in love with a chair?

Ever fell in love with a chair? A sofa? No? Don't miss that!!
Nov 17 - 9PM (Reply to #7)
cynthia (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

objects - does your tv love you back?

or how about a toaster, or tv, or a recliner,? when they break or get too worn and comfortable time to replace them for a different model
Nov 18 - 9AM (Reply to #8)
Ellen
Ellen's picture

Pretend man

Hi all, I am having a hard time trying to understand the concept of a pretend person. A whole pretend man. That can't quite be true! It must be an aspect of who that person is whether that person has good traits some of the time and bad ones at other times it is still a side to that person which means it exists. If it is an act of a person who cares it is still that persons character making that happen... so the pretence comes from acting and manipulation. I know the nice side does exist to my ex he still has the other side that is the opposite to the charming act. But I can't believe it was pretend.