Missing Him...Please help.

JuneBug WHAT HAPPENS TO US IS THAT WE DESPERATELY TRY AND HOLD ON TO OUR DR. JEKYLE HOPING HE WILL EMERGE AND TAKE OVER FOR GOOD. BUT HES A HOLOGRAM TO LURE US IN OR LIKE a bag of SWEETS A CHILD MOLESTER WOULD GIVE TO A CHILD TO LURE THEM IN. IT HURTS. IT HURTS. IT HURTS BECAUSE YOULL NEVER CHANGE THE CYCLE UNLESS YOU QUIT FOR GOOD AND DO NOT GO BACK. I miss him so much today, I am really close to being over it, but the farther I pull away, the more feelings I have for him. I am so jealous of everyone who had them come back to you, mine hasn't. I know that I am lucky because of this, or maybe because he lives 5 hours away, but I feel so devalued because he just won't come back to me, yet still finds any medium to try to lure me back in. Why? Ughh...this is so hard...I only wish to hurt him back this way someday:(

Sundays are the worst for me too but I just get through the day doing anything to take my mind off what i`ve been through. It gets better, I promise you. It is so hard but at least you know at some point your life will be better whereas any contact with him and you will keep going backwards. I have had NC with my xN for 8 weeks now and after almost 4 years of the jekyle n hyde, heaven n hell, up n down scary rollercoaster ride, I feel I am on my way to recovery after going through the excrutiating pain zone,the need to shut myself away from everyone, the questioning and needing answers on the whys and wherefores, the sadness, the crying, the anger etc etc. I have been so strong as I have not let Dr. Jekyle appear in my memory bank, I have only let Mr. Hyde there which enables me to REMEMBER THE HELL I WENT THROUGH AND STOP REMEMBERING THE LOVELY THINGS. Now I`m almost on the outside looking in, I wonder how the hell such a man could possibly get me into such a state of affairs. ME.....a confident, attractive, educated, successful, everything going for her woman, reduced to a `cigarette butt` to be stamped on. Rather than go into lengthy story - I will precis memories of my Jekyle and Hyde of which some, you will relate to:- Dr. Jekyle: extremely loving, charming, understanding, attentive, caring, fun to be with, immediate closeness, immediate familiarity, very generous even if I tried to say no (he was successful), fanciable at all times, snuggles on settee when watching t.v., breakfast in bed with flower on the tray picked from garden, held me tight all night in bed saying how much he loved me, he would cook lovely meals, treated me like a princess, always together seemingly building and progressing in a relationship made in heaven, very tactile in a without being creepy way, holding hands when out - people commented on meeting us how lucky we were - how so in love with me he was (he would often say "I love this woman to bits, worship the ground she walks on, i`d die for her"), liked me with him at work when I didnt get called in to my job, liked me with him when meeting his friends for a drink even though I encouraged him to go ahead alone, enjoyed enchanting romantic heavenly weekends away in europe, lots of heavenly week long holidays abroad, romantic meals out, every day to day stuff was all the better with him by my side. Lovely xmases together etc etc. I loved my Dr. Jekyle and would put in as much as I received. I would also be working hard on my part of the relationship too.Mills n Boon in reality. He was like a drug, I couldn`t get enough. then.............. things started to change veeeery slowly at first................. Mr. Hyde: who, incidentally, was probably always there simmering like a volcano but I suppose reared his ugly head a year after with a catalogue of abnormal actions to certain things I began to list as my `questionables`. I started to question certain things that didn`t add up - I would let some go by but questioned others as I am not the `mug`, `doormat` type and if so I would want out of the relationship. For questioning the questionables I would get the devalue and discard actions which although very hurtful, I was fine as rather out than in as wanted out when there was a blatant lie/deceipt in progress in a supposedly loving, trusting, progressional `normal` relationship. But getting out was the problem .....hammered incessantly throughout the day, daily, until your return, that it was your fault, your craziness, your self doubt and the rages in your face that he was NOT LYING, NOT BEING DECEIPTFUL and how could I think he would be when he worshipped the ground I walked on? You do doubt yourself. You must have got it wrong even though proof was staring in your face because you miss Dr.Jekyle sooo much its excruciating.Perhaps it was your fault. You made him discard you so arrogantly when unreasonably questioning a questionable. You robot back into honeymoon period where you question yourself and you work so hard readjusting your battered brain/heart to getting the relationshp back to as it was, rebuilding the trust and love. Then when you finally get to that point where you breathe a sigh of relief - your trust/love returning and all seems normal and happy, the questionables would appear again around 18 - 2o weeks in my case. Had he been trying to be good and had just relapsed by this time? Had he merely got cleverer at covering up for a longer time? Was he putting things on hold until I got to this normal point? or was it around this time that my love and trust had grown back bringing with it stability and happy and he just wasnt happy with happy? Anyway, more questionables would ensue, more lies, sneaky stuff not just possible affairs in the daytime whilst he was at work, anything he would seem to lie about even if someone had seen him walk into a shop he would attack and lie vehemently that he hadn`t. You knew he was lying yet he would almost kill to prove it wasnt a lie even going so far as to initimidate anyone who came near us. i.e. mutual male friends who may say a warm hello to me. By now public shows of humiliation became apparent so now family and friends would see a very childish sham like relationship.For example one time just me simply enjoying a live band in a local pub snuggled up to him on his "your not close enough " terms set him off. He wanted to leave straight away and when home I suffered the most terrible emotional abuse because why??? my body was attached to his but my attentions were on a live group?????!!!! BUT in our bubble with Dr.Jekyle it was heaven. Although absolute heaven in the bubble on outside I was slowly becoming demoralised, demeaned, losing self confidence, becoming introverted where I am an extrovert, my mind was always on him I had no room for anything else. I dropped seeing friends as was too much of a hassle with his mood swings and punishments afterwards.I turned down two offers of promotion as I knew I wouldnt handle the extra workload and his demands. If I questioned an obvious questionable his rages got worse ( a bear trapped in the corner syndrome): once, I got punched so hard in the head I fell down, he poured water over me and told me to get up, my precious personal items were taken and thrown in the bushes or stamped on, my car tyres slashed for failing to return, he deleted all my friends from my mobile phone, I was punched and kicked again (after I questioned a questionable text which came in on his phone early one morning which he deleted quickly)another occasion, three days out of hospital after having a 3 pint blood transfusion and an upcoming appointment for a cancer scare (incidentally, he was totally not there for me at this point when I needed him so much as I was feeling particularly poorly, scared and as he had my whole life depending on him only, I was very much alone through this) wed decided to take a very slow christmas shop as christmas was 4 weeks away. He put on a new jumper his ex wife had bought him 6 months ago at the height of her psycho behaviour trying to break us up.(now I understand why she became psycho) Id asked him then to please not wear it in front of me as it wouldnt be right reminding me of all the trouble she had caused us and hed said hed never wear it. I asked him why he would pick this day of all days to wear it when I was feeling particularly low and how was I supposed to link his arm with him wearing it reminding me of all the frustrating trouble she caused on top of trying to walk round the shops in my lack of energy state? He raged close up to my face and became mentally abusive. I didnt have the strength to fight back I felt so weak so I got up and just said that I was going to lay down for a while whilst he carmed down and had a rational think about how insensitive he was being at this moment. As I turned to walk out of the room he took a run and kicked me hard in the lower of my back wearing his hard big boots then preceeded to rip my favourite skirt at the back so I was exposed then hit me on the head. He was wild. I thought I was going to drop down dead I felt so low. I was on coagulating tablets too to stop my bleeding. Only 3 days from a 3 pint blood transfusion!!!!! How unsympathetic could anyone get??!!! Im not one to play on illness or sympathy, it was a fact! I was at my most devastated at this point - the lowest an animal could get after being treated so cruely and I`d been there for him by his side through all the dramas that seemed to come his way over the three years!. On lots of occasions my favourite clothes got wripped and thrown away simply for wearing them and looking nice. Other times finding out hed been on abnormal porn sites and tried to liaise with women on these sites. I was devalued often in front of his family and friends, totally discarded at a funeral of a mutual friend where prior to the funeral hed been so loving and normal and when I needed comforting he was as cold as ice. You mention eyes on this site. I noticed his eyes were cold, dark, fixated and expressionless in the first year and that was when he supposedly adored me!! Another occasion his six year old son, when coming over to stay, kept hitting me with an iron bar - I tried to stop it myself with sitting his son down and explaining how dangerous etc etc (Im normally very good with children)but to no avail so one day finding another bar in the shed, he really took me by surprise and hurt the base of my spine badly. I mentioned it to my exN after hed returned his son to his ex wife. He raged and raged at me that it was my fault and that I should leave his property. Instant dismissal. I left feeling demeaned, devalued, discarded, frustrated, crying that deep internal cry all night - all the work i`d put into the relationship, all the standing by him I did meant absolutely nothing, absolutely fruitless. Why couldnt he see these things were not normal, they were wrong. I took two weeks of hourly, daily, angry then threatening then sobbing, then angry then threatening then sobbing harrassment on getting me back (nothing to do with the incident - no apology - it was as if he really didnt realise why we were at this low stage) until he became Dr. Jekyle and apologised profusely, dealing with the incidents and promising hed change. By this time I was like a robot. No feelings, mind numb. I was being brainwashed and ended up roboting back knowing it was WRONG WRONG WRONG. WHAT HAPPENS TO US IS THAT WE DESPERATELY TRY AND HOLD ON TO OUR DR. JEKYLE HOPING HE WILL EMERGE AND TAKE OVER FOR GOOD. BUT HES A HOLOGRAM TO LURE US IN OR LIKE a bag of SWEETS A CHILD MOLESTER WOULD GIVE TO A CHILD TO LURE THEM IN. IT HURTS. IT HURTS. IT HURTS BECAUSE YOULL NEVER CHANGE THE CYCLE UNLESS YOU QUIT FOR GOOD AND DO NOT GO BACK. As mentioned so many times - those narcissists who need you solely i.e. every inch of your life - you could have them if you become a nothing - void of feeling, no future goals (including your own taste in music, seeing friends, clothes you want to wear, opinions etc etc) devoid of empathy - becoming a replica of himself but do you want to give yourself up for the devil and would that be enough?????? NO......................he would tire of that woman as you would have given in, become a nothing, he would have sucked and drained every bit of you out so what would be left?????? Where would be the fun in that???? He needs the dramatic arguements, the awful power hungry abuse to keep himself satisfied and entertained. His goal is to squash something of worth then discard it. You fighting to chnage him just makes him work harder to crush you. This could go on for years and years but crush you he eventually will and then and only then will HE LEAVE YOU. He will keep coming for you until he has succeeded. The more you fight him off, the more he will come for you to do just that. If you decide to become a nothing he would then discard you anyway and then just play with you like a cat plays with a mouse .......for the rest of your life because you are still hooked ?????? Do you want that??????? YOU MUST GO FORTH AND NOT LOOK BACK. I have got all my friends back and keep arranging things to keep me busy and read this site (thank God for this site and for Lisa and Barbaras words of wisdom of which without, I wouldnt be as strong as I am today and which reminds me time and time again why I am here and why im NOT GOING BACK.) At first I read this site every minute every day during my initial recluse period now I find its once or twice a week so yahooooooo I KNOW IM GOING TO SURVIVE THIS INTO A HAPPIER PLACE. (One more thing: my xN had two previous wives. One he divorced 15 years ago. She still has no life?????No partner???? The second one is now a psycho. Divorced 6 years ago and has no life or partner????????? He still connects with them. I THINK HE KEPT THEM LIKE THIS BEHIND MY BACK. WHILST HE HAD ME VICTIM NO.3 (in between times hes had hundreds of women and who knows if he were seeing any in the daytime during seeing me ) i feel as though ive been through a `cold turkey`in the last 8 weeks as I am treating him as a class A drug (not that ive ever dabbled in drugs)and I am now slowly coming through it. I WILL NOT HAVE THIS DONE TO ME. NO CONTACT IS THE ONLY WAY. I CHANGED MY NUMBERS AND HAVE INFORMED THE POLICE THIS TIME. END OF. Let this be a warning for all those questioning their relationship so early on. Hope this helps and is a wake up call

I will read your words whenever I feel like this again. It's like my brain knows the truth, but my body remembers what I thought we had. Barbara keeps saying it takes at least 18 months for the body and brain to heal. I'm half way there and determined to keep moving forward. Thanks so much for your help and support. I really needed it.

I lost my Town house because of my job loss and had to file Bankruptcy because of his "wreckage" (to Cynthia > Your comment moved me - WOW) I am staying with a friend rent free but I have VERY FEW Friends... BASICALLY JUST 2 RIGHT NOW & one is my daughter! None of my family lives here = I TOTALLY get loneliness... but Don't miss what wasn't REAL... Keep telling yourself 'It wasn't real' because it wasn't - he never felt what you did or do... he didn't feel the love then and he doesn't feel bad now. I'm sorry I hope that doesn't make you hurt more but truth does hurt sometimes... Stay STRONG. It will get better!!!! I never thought I'd feel better and I do... Its been 10 months for me too! Just keep moving forward. All Fired Up!!!

http://www.lisaescott.com/2009/10/28/facing-facts ~~~~~~~~~~~~ My Abuse Information Site Online Coaching & Help

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I miss that pretend guy every day, but that is sure better than missing the bastard that he was, then I would really question what the hell was wrong with me. Think of those shirts as just something a sick person wore and I know its sad they turned out to be that way, very very sad. In my deepest crying I have said so many times, why did you have to be a Psychopath, why why why, why werent you the real thing why did you have to have this deformity that will never change, I just knew it was too good to be true nothing that good would have just fallen into my life, you were just a con. They leave such wreckage if they were ever human enough for just one day to see what they did to others and they impact it had on them they would probably slit their wrists, nobody normal could live with it, THEY ARE NOT NORMAL because they can live with it and not give it a second thought.

How ironic I just posted a 'reply' to your WTF experience and I'm thinking how bad I felt for you, and I'm so glad you're away from that maniac! I'm sorry you feel alone, I do too sometimes. Maybe if Sundays are difficult since not a lot of people are around, make plans for that day. If you have time to volunteer, there's always people around, and plenty to do. I know you're missing pretend guy, I do too occasionally. This is a good time to pull out that journal or e-mails, etc and read the bad stuff. I know it's hard, but it's essential. We have to fight our brain on it's natural tendency to protect us from trauma. But in our case, we must face it. That's the only way to stomp out the good thoughts about them. Think of some of these: A time when he criticized you - how did it make you feel? A time you needed him emotionally, and he was not available. A time he lied to you; did he try to cover up and insult your intelligence? Did he put you down or call you paranoid in an attempt to divert attention from him? How did he want to control you or things in every day life? How did that make you feel? How many times did you cry and he did not care? This is what I do, I have a lot of material too. I don't have to do it so much now, because I've done it a LOT and it does really "stick" with practice. Hope you have a better week!!

I've been there. I'm in a city with no family, and only a coupla friends. There are reminders of my ex everywhere, he had literally thousands of pics on my PC that I had to clear. Acknowledge the pain, I'd even let yourself cry for a short bit. If you're finding Sundays hard I'd maybe plan something for those days, so you don't always think that others are always having great times with their families. I was very down recently and my friend told me to get out each day, doing something/anything, just to inter-act a bit more. It did help. It's probably a bit worse 'cos you're going through change, settling in, that all brings up mixed feelings as you adjust. Keep thinking you're more than strong enough, you may feel pain but keep this up. Stay NC, it's about you and yourself going forward.

4joys I understand your longing for him, and miss him dearly. He has been so close in your heart, for so long. You know his every breath, his every move, his heart, as you moved with it for so long and so intimately. You know love. You know how to love. You gave him the most sacred, and special part of yourself. You trusted him to no end. You are still there! You still have the capacity to love. You want love. You want love in return! You though he was giving the very same to you, in your heart. He was the answer to everything. Completed you. As love should, and will do! Realize this is your cry to carry on! You have hope, you have desire, you have passion, and you want some place for it to go. You want to share all the wonderful things in life, with someone special. He was that someone special to you.. you two were a perfect fit. Can you live with a broken heart, day it, and day out. Can your soul take the pressure, of living a lie? You snared you into a lie. What you miss is the experience. Pick up the path again. This very feeling, is what you need to get you in gear with life. Do not contact him. Sad to say, you moved for an awesome reason.. To have in your life what you never had with him. That is a truly passionate, amazing relationship, built on reality and fantasy, and fulfilling your dreams. You have come along way. Be strong. Look ahead, continue to dream of the perfect senario you want. Write about it. Realize your EX N is incapable of providing that. Do not idealize him Sorry to say,,think of him as the retarted, dysfuntional person he is. Literally, retarded hon. Not attractive, at all.