MICHELLE

13 posts / 0 new

#1 Oct 24 - 8AM

moonshine

MICHELLE

YOU WROTE:

Sorry you are having a hard time. Please know, we all have gone through this and the newer members are going through this and you are not alone.

The first few weeks are intense that is the understatement!

The anxiety and numbness are normal and in time it will lessen.

You said:

I cant do anything anymore...i am not in control of the situation and never was. He was in control all the time.

But realizing this is actually monumental to healing. In my situation, the thinking that I had some control was actually what was working against me. The resentment that I had been duped, fed my rage!...I believe this to be ego based. Our ego's have been badly bruised BUT...if we remove ourselves for a moment and try to step outside the box, *the one with squiggly lines of chaos someone described on this board...LOL
we can see that he really isn't in control because what he created was an illusion. SO the perception of his having control is just that - a perception ITS NOT REAL! He never took anything from you and he certainly can't own what you have. He can only be a pretender to his throne...it's not a real throne. He's a piece of man...nope - a fraction of a shell! This is really the truth of what these men are. They are not real. They walk in the flesh, talk the talk, but they have no core, so the reality is you've won and you always had the control, that's why he had to run his cover was blown and you are a threat to him.

You were abused which is why there is so much pain involved - an maybe some frustration or disappointment with yourself for not seeing the signs. None of us have. Simply accepting that you are human and made a mistake works wonders.

For me, seeing him for what he is, got me to a point somewhere between pity and disgust. Either way both are unattractive to me.

What helped me some was to think about some of the more assinine things he did and there were a number of them, and really try to envision him as a fool with no tools to make it through society. A LOSER. We have trouble doing this because subconsciously we also think - well what does that say about me to have been with him? It says nothing! It says you woke up! It says you were rescued by something and removed from a catastrophe! Focus on that and stive to move a little bit forward every day.

Progress will not come overnight, but in a few weeks you will hopefully feel immense improvement.

We all go through the stages.

Warm hugs.

I WRITE BACK:

This post hit me hard. I was ruminating for a day and I wanted to get back to you. I do have questions though.

Yes, i also hit the ego part. i got to the point in understanding that it was the ego. when i myself found it and took it to the psychologist he said its "pride" than ego. i disagreed with him.

the psych thinks that i have big ideals that i will only fall down sooner cos of it. I stopped going to visit him for the past week. i am trying to go to some one else new but feel very discouraged to start all over again. Somedays i think i can manage but some days are BAD. No control over myself. Extreme anxiety. My jaw even locks or i bite my teeth to the extent that i am not in control.

TRUE that he cant take anything away from me.It was only an illusion...but grieving that it was ONLY an illusion is much depressing to me.

But...didnt he have control over me when he manipulated me? He is still working on it. he still comes back talking to me. He is still playing but i have stopped.

Things that i am able to see now are for the fact what happened. Its helping me. Its helping me that I am not in control of the situation. I thought i was cos of the fact that he took so much from me ....that i can ask back from him. Or at least i thought he would grieve my loss...no...he was fine...he is fine....going out and hanging out with OW.

Yes...i was abused. I am not able to let go...it HURTS. I only gave the BEST to this man.

Another question about the LOSER thing. I am also able to see that he is a loser but i feel pity. He comes to me saying that he is lonely in his house that he bought (where we lived together ). He cries. I get really disturbed by these. I also want to tell you that I am away from him but i work with him....so little gaps he gets with me ..he tries to tell me these things.

The offer he is making is that ..he wants to hangout with me.....keep me in his life ....fix my car for me...take me here ....there......but....it cant be like before...it needs to be platonic.

I think its bullshit but i feel pity....please help me clear this out of my head cos you said pity is disgusting for you....please help.

HE IS BREAKING MY SPIRIT BY MAKING ME ACCEPT TO WHAT HE WANTS.......I WANT TO BE AWAY FROM ALL THESE NONSENSE.

My job helps me now. i will not be able to quit as of now...but I WANT TO QUIT THE NARC.

I just feel numb .....i have no reaction.

#2 Oct 24 - 5PM

michele115 (not verified)

Moonshine

Hi...to respond as best I can... You wrote: the psych thinks that i have big ideals that i will only fall down sooner cos of it. Pride,Ego to me they're just semantics I don't know you personally but my take would be that getting to know yourself better in time you will be able to see if this is true. For me, I don't think that having standards is a bad thing at all. Hypothetically, yours might be higher than mine but even if that is are you being true to yourself by lowering them? Would you be happy with someone that couldn't meet MOST of them? Once you're out of the fog, you could read up on healthy relationships - and given this experience, I suspect because it's happening to me when I read things you will even begin to see flags in what you're reading and will be able to take what applies and dump the rest. A lot of literature out there for us on "how to keep a man happy" BARF...but if there is a possibility that some of your expectations are unreasonable, this is always something you can fine tune. If you reject what the shrink says, maybe try to get in touch with why you disagree. He might just be ill equipped - I've run into a ton of those guys and sometimes they hurt more than help. As per the anxiety and jaw clenching...I'm sorry you're going through that. In my earlier stages I couldn't leave my house. I distinctly remember one night I tried so hard to take my son out got in the car and half way into the city, the lump in my throat was so painful and the tears were just about to fall and it built up so much then the anxiety came and all this just sitting behind a wheel with my son next to me all I could do was tell him sorry and we turned around and got take out...and I really tried so hard but I just couldn't do it. It takes time and for some longer - we're all human. AND we FEEL. It will pass it felt like forever though. Sending a warm hug your way, just be really gentle with yourself and pamper and love yourself. The man to put it niceley is an asshole. I agree, the illusion part of it hits you to the core. I think most of us will agree that is the most devastating thing to wrap our heads around...that we were duped so callously and didn't even have a clue until we were uncermoniously dropped on our heads. BUT, to survive, and this is only my perspective what other choice do we have? We have no choice - this is where the "acceptance" of having powerlessness comes in. The only power we have now is the choice to heal and fight with every fiber of our being. For me, I started to de-personalize him in my mind. Depersonalizing him, seeing him as a zombie with no feelings -WALKING DEAD, made me able to get rid of any feelings for him. My emotions now are anger which I know isn't healthy either but I accept it's part of the process and normal. A lot of times, people don't want to feel anger or rage because they don't feel good - but for me, easier to feel than pain and I know it will pass eventually and it has lessened tremendously just because TIME exists and has allowed things to progress - especially healing. YOU ALSO WROTE: Another question about the LOSER thing. I am also able to see that he is a loser but i feel pity. He comes to me saying that he is lonely in his house that he bought (where we lived together ). He cries. I get really disturbed by these. I also want to tell you that I am away from him but i work with him....so little gaps he gets with me ..he tries to tell me these things Under these circumstances, because you work with him, total NC is harder; however, total NC can take place in your mind - you DO have control over that. I'd start there. Someone could be a foot away from you, but if in your mind they don't exist - then they don't. You might want to think about that. Take the control to tell him next time he comes with his "pity party" I don't want to hear it, I have nothing to say to you, leave me alone. No emotion, just point blank tell him that. If he refuses, then take it to a supervisor. I wouldn't even warn him I'd just do it because if you threaten him, then he will go on a damage control campaign most likely and smear you before you can strike. There is no pitying these guys Moon, NONE. CARDINAL RULE number one. That is how most of us got sucked in. If you want to feel pity, feel it for yourself, that is where it can best be served. This guy does not need your pity, he's an actor...he faked a whole relationship so you need to pity yourself, not him - he knew what he was doing and he's trying to suck you back in. He's playing the game...we can be friends, over time, he'll try to be the "friend" with benefits so you can be his back pocket plan. The heck with him! He's not that smooth! You are on to him! Never make someone a priority that insists on making you their option... Like I said, power of the mind, he can be a foot away from you but not exist. Let him know point blank, cold as ice - you're not interested, he needs to tell someone (not you) that cares. Hoped this helped some. Chin up - and feel better. HUGS

#3 Oct 24 - 8PM (Reply to #8)

moonshine

michele

Thanks for writing back. It makes all sense. I feel I am moving on. I also fall down. Then i feel very sad...then i cry...then i go on.... I have also drove to places where i need to go and just sit there in the car not able to get out. Taking care of the kid takes much more strength as we need to emotionally support us and the kid. You are strong. I can feel the process....i slightly feel in my right mind (not the one which obsesses over him) ...that i dont need him.....i slightly feel it ....and it feels better. To tell you the truth there are times i feel i am going to get stuck with him and pick up the scrap he is throwing me. Then i think back that ..i wasnt like this before. LOVE IS THE LOOPHOLE. I will keep in mind what you have written. Thanks michelle ....i hope your day was better today..especially with your NC anniversary.

#4 Oct 24 - 8PM (Reply to #9)

moonshine

TO ADD TO THAT...

Moving out of his house was THE HARDEST THING ...i EVER DID..... I did that though....i am so proud of myself...haha. That was a progress....right? He kept on doing things to hook me there. I loved him much to move away.

#5 Oct 24 - 8PM (Reply to #10)

moonshine

and oh...

and he keeps going around telling people that he misses me ...to get pity. NO ONE BELIEVES ME.....NO ONE.

#6 Oct 24 - 8PM (Reply to #11)

michele115 (not verified)

Moonshine

We are pioneers - everyone on this board will come away an expert...seriously, I think we will make the psychology profession topple in this particular area of expertise... No one will believe you...I had prior experience with that given my illness... I have fibro...I had to fight - the "medical" "experts" were all too happy to label me suffering from a somatization disorder. It was traumatic to say the least. That was six years ago. They jacked me up so badly I started trying to figure out how to take my life. I had no money, no help, I could not walk, could not even get a gallon of milk for my son and my family and friends abandoned me because they thought I was faking it because allll the doctors said it was all in my head so they thought "tuff love, we won't enable" and so I started researching how to kill myself because the pain was unbearable, I did not envision living with that amount of pain. Oxycontin did not touch it but did make me doped out like a junkie and puking my guts up. AND then I got labled, resisiting treatment when I kept saying it wasn't helping - except for the other jack asses who thought I was trying to cop dope! Yes, a mind altering experience. Killing myself would have forced someone to care for my son and provide money which I did not have. I got fired from my teaching job for absence...a whole nightmare of a time. NO MONEY...could not work, no support...AND I made it through. AND look now, every frigging drug company wants to cash in on what was "All in my head" They loved saying it was "all in my head" and doctor after doctor they'd just look at me with this "now now dear" and I was in so much pain and suffering and they would not listen. It's an isolating BAD place to be - BUT fight we must. People are ignorant to this until they've lived it. You have this board - you are not crazy...and your shrink probably doesn't have the tools - just know that. Copy information and give it to him or the next one...pull them to the carpet. They have an ethical obligation to know what they are treating before venturing into unchartered territory. This is your mind they're handling doll. You need the validation and support and you deserve expertise. As for people not believing - get your strength up - it exists and what you are going through is REAL. You owe no one an explanation you owe yourself love, acceptance and healing. Wise words from my dear aunt many moons ago: Fuck 'em if they can't take a joke! Which in essence means the heck with what anyone thinks. You are walking in your shoes, no one else will know what that feels like - except maybe us?...LOL You will be okay, it goes up and down but it lessens in intensity. Stay on the board, keep venting, keep learning, keep growing you will get yourself back. Hugs dear!

#7 Oct 25 - 9PM (Reply to #12)

moonshine

michele

Yes, it seems we are pioneers here. I tried calling all different psychologist in my town and tried talking to them. It seems like they have no clue. I dont know if i have the energy to start all over. I have been reading and it has helped me. All my psych says is that...be social...stay away from narc....etc etc...he is asking me to get distracted but not internalize the issue to heal or learn from it. I dont know how to proceed but i am asking my inner voice to guide me . To show me the way...the next step as I feel stuck. As far as my inner process goes...for the past few days....i can actually see the ILLUSION. I saw it as a word. Now i can see it in my mind..if i can see it better....i think i can move on. I will wait for the day when he comes around and I would say...leave me alone in my right mind(not out of fear or the need to keep NC)....just say ...leave me alone. I am sorry that you had to go through such difficulty in diagnosing fibro. I hope you are feeling better now. I am not sure if it persists...does it? I LOVE your aunts quote! So true though. Thanks for the strength....I wish the same for you. HUGS...moonshine.

#8 Oct 24 - 9AM

Used

moonshine

dear moonshine.. just read what your therapist said to you.. i too get.. words of wisdom..haha. such as i expect too much of people, i have high expectations.. so will get a lot of dissapointment... well heres what i said to therapist... so my mother giving me up when i was 4, was me expecting to much, my exh beating shit out of me, was me expecting to much, the narc emotionally abusing me, i was expecting to much... bottom line i expect out of a relationship, what i put in...the 3 people i have mentioned.. expected me to show unswerving loyalty, love, compassion, always be in their corner, to LIE for them, to cover their backs at all times, to take the putdowns, the physical abuse[exh] the going off in my mums case from 4yrs old until i was 14... all these things i done for them and in returned got treated like a piece of shit. well i said to him, and now you have disappointed me... i reported him as well... but that said. yes i do expect certain behavior, but only appear to get it from people i dont love.. so with my love i must give too much of myself to be treated like this... i said the POTTED VERSION, about my mum... the whole story one can read in the tabliods any day of the week... so i am saying to you moonshine... SO WHAT if you have standards...good for you.. and if and when we have compromised our ethics.... this is when we end up so low and depressed... i hope upon hope... that i never love anyone this way again... that i totally submerge my personality to become what they want me to become... you will get better as i am getting better... b/c goodness prevails in the end and thats what we are... thats why these TOERAGS want us... to take us down to their level>>> BUT the diffrence is we come up again... they never will...lots of love used

#9 Oct 25 - 5AM (Reply to #5)

Scoop

I got from one well meaning

I got from one well meaning therapist "he is just emotionaly imature" ... well thats the understatment of the bleeding year , the trouble is i couldnt argue with her because that statment was true but there was so much more to it but i was too in a fog to tell her clearly . So i stoped going .

#10 Oct 25 - 6AM (Reply to #6)

michele115 (not verified)

Scoop

It's frustrating when after you vent you feel like you have to not only school the therapist but then console them!...LMAO~

#11 Oct 24 - 10AM (Reply to #2)

moonshine

USED!

yes, the therapist told me a story about a preacher who was talking so high or morals and ideals and then he was caught with a prostitute (while he was married) the next week. i told him...not everyone who tries to adopt a ideal will perish. Yes..it seems that we ask too much from them while the world is happy for what ever they are. The narc was so happy to take everything i gave to him and yet treated me like shit. He would spend all his time with me and then if some OW calls he would just leave me off the hook and go away. The narc says that i dont understand dating. No one dates like this. I lived like a wife to him and he said i was a room mate. It was too much to ask from him just to legitimate the relationship. he never did. he will never do. I am very sorry that they all treated you that way while you were being unconditional to them all the while. Yes it seems we ask too much for their standards. yes they want to take us down....i hope i come out sane from this mess.. thanks used for always being there!!!

#12 Oct 24 - 10AM (Reply to #3)

Used

moonshine

and i always will be there... its what i do best when i like someonexxxxx

#13 Oct 24 - 10AM (Reply to #4)

moonshine

THANKS..

((((HUGS TO YOU))))

Path Forward Buy Now Reviews
All About Her Buy Now Reviews
All About Him Buy Now Reviews