Michele115/ from Mell

What exactaly do you mean by "owning it?" -It is one thing to know the disorder, it is another thing to own it. We know that 2 plus 2 equals 4. AND we own that, we don't question it. BUT, let's say that for some reason it was scientifically proven tomorrow that 2 plus 2 now equals 5 - you would be aware of the information, but there would be a time where you'd still doubt or question it - doesn't matter that all the mathematicians got together and explained how their thoughts all these thousands of years were wrong you would still because it's all you've known question and doubt the 2 plus 2 equaling 5 until you could process the logic of their NEW explanation. It's the same thing with personality disorders. They've been around, but we are not that skilled with them. We read about them, we understand the words but we don't own it. We don't fully accept it until we really absorb what it really means. That essentially, despite ALL the words and actions, this person essentially faked an entire realationship. All the intimiacy we thought we shared, all the I love you's all the gestures..they were feigned. AND they were feigned because this disordered person cannot attach. This person does not have an identity of their own, they operate on the false self. We have to really own that and believe that until we can move on and we will continue to question things and second guess until we accept that A. They show all the signs and B. that they have the disorder....and we have to do this in most cases absent an official diagnosis of them simply because A. we might not be with them anymore because of the damage they did but B. even if we were with them, because of the disorder, many refuse treatment because they see nothing wrong with what they do and instead, they blame and project thier defects onto you either in a blatant manner or covertly...leaving you to think YOU are the problem or source of all the difficulty...which is how we end up taking the blame and second guessing because they overtly or covertly brainwash us without us noticing...gaslighting and projecting, double speaking...all of that... No, honestly, I don't think I tried much. And for the above reasons, you might be thinking you didn't try much when in fact, you were perfectly fine and reasonable under the circumstances...this is what you have to weed through. We seemed to be in a standoff and a power struggle. He was waiting on me and I was waiting on him (to do more, affection, etc. This standoff could be real or perceived...you might have been "convinced" of this, but it might not be the reality...he may have been good at getting you to believe this...not sure, you'd have to think about this some... but he seemed to not be able to hold out as long as I could (stubborn, I was) and he would start being nicer before I would. Yes, it sounds like a power struggle but remember, Narcs are about control, so lets say you didn't hold your ground, he would have slammed you sooner - for him it was all about getting you to a place of surrender so he could pummel you - intermittent reinforcement...hot and cold... He seemed to be so much better at not being angry and better at being "loving" than I was and he would beg me to "show" him more. Beg you to "show him more"...as in "attention" as in he needed to see you "surrender" so he could have total control. Sounds to me like you were "too hard to handle" you were "high maintenance"...for a narc that just means you weren't a good enough doormat. I am pretty certain as you go through this more and more you will see that you were not unreasonable, rather your instincts were kicking in and your being stubborn and all of that was actually a SELF PROTECTION mode, that kicked in instinctively. I do understand about the "test" and how I "failed" in his mind because now that I have read about NPD, that part makes perfect sense, but my guilt lies in the fact that I did not put forth the effort before we separated. TEST...what test...this isn't grammar school, this is a relationship, we don't have tests in grown up relationships...this is his disordered thinking...TEST...humph! Are you seeing any of this clearer? It is a part of the abuse to come out of this feeling we have some part to play, we are to blame. Granted we are not perfect, but some of this crap, drives you to the brink...they mess with your head and get you to second guess and take blame...any indication of him feeling ANY responsibility? Has he shown any empathy? Accountability for his part? AND is it genuine or does it all follow a "but" at the end? My personal experience has been that ANYTHING that follows the word "but" is B.S.