The manipulation and rejection

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#1 Sep 16 - 9AM

lilliandiane

The manipulation and rejection

What gets me is why I can't see the manipulation until later? Even when I am hearing him use his son and his misdeeds as a distancing tool, I can only vaguely put together how many times this has happened in the past. Then this woman calls and it doesn't take but a couple of hours and he is at my house telling me he will be in his marriage at least 2 more YEARS to pay off their bill consolidation loan. It's like he picks the moment I am feeling the most insecure and wondering if he is going to cheat or has cheated, to pull out his insane excuses over why it will be years more for him to be free, when my logical mind KNOWS that no man who is in love with another woman stays in his marriage to pay bills. And when I told him I was not waiting around, I was moving 10 hours away in maybe as little as 4 months, he says of course he couldn't ask me to wait 2 more years. It's like I am getting the bum's rush in my own house. How can he say things that are so STUPID and expect me to believe him? His "hands are tied"--such bullshit. Then he says, "So this is how it ends?" As if HE hadn't pushed it to that exact moment with the precision of a surgeon???
Now, 4 days later, I feel soo duped and rejected.
As though my entire self had been sampled and rejected.
This SUCKS so bad!!

#2 Sep 17 - 3AM

KeshaN

Sometimes when you are still

Sometimes when you are still with them it is hard to see the truth. I feel that Now that i have had no contact with him I see things more clearly and boy does it stab like a knife...a sword or a shot in the head. Everyday I wake up with every passing minute I realize somethings new. Some way i was lied to, manipulated. I realize how much I had been abused. It makes me sick to my stomach literally.

#3 Sep 16 - 10AM

WakingUP (not verified)

They like to mess with your head...

And they've had lots of practice - so they get really good at it. I've had that experience too - where I realize after the fact, sometimes WAY after the fact, that I've been manipulated. Like my user name - sometimes days later I'd "wake up" and say, 'Hey..... wait a minute...." I tend to be able to make a good case for any argument or "discussion" that I decide to engage in. (especially when I have time to think about what it is I want to say.) There have been times, when I KNOW I've got the "bullet points" of building the case for my argument, but almost as soon as they come out of my mouth they aren't nearly as strong as I know they are in my head.....because I'm talking to a NARC. "As if HE hadn't pushed it to that exact moment with the precision of a surgeon???" Sometimes I think he's taken a master class in Passive-Aggressiveness. My narc does this ALL THE TIME. He'll very stealthily manipulate a situation, until its at the peak of its crisis or boiling point, but then just wait for SOMEONE ELSE to make the critical move. Then he can stand back and say "what? *I* didn't do anything... ______ did!" He is very neatly able to sidestep any blame. (or so he will argue later on.) I know how hard it can be when you can see the writing on the wall, but the addiction and the manipulation make it seem oh so fuzzy. I hope you DO move soon. And start putting yourself first. (I think that's my mantra for today.)

#4 Sep 16 - 10AM (Reply to #12)

lilliandiane

moving

Sometimes I think it's the only way to get out of this mess. It freaks me out and I saw someone else post this, too, that you think you handle it and N is not happy until he reduces you to either out of control anger or blubbering, sobbing fool. At least I did tell him the LAST time he was no kind of man.

#5 Sep 16 - 10AM

Sparrow

It does suck. This is what

It does suck. This is what they do. We yearn to hear all the beautiful things that they say during their manipulation, that we can't see it for what it is......manipulation. They take advantage of the very core of your being and attempt to destroy it every chance they can get. Just keep in mind that they are twisted people and you are not dealing with rationale. Their intentions are not good, never are.......they are intentions meant only for them. Stay strong Lil, don't let him push your buttons, and NEVER believe anything he tells you. It's unfortunate that we are made to feel this way and behave in this manner, a way we are not accustomed to. But, it is what it is.........and as a very wise woman said once on this forum that stuck to me like glue........ IF THEIR LIPS ARE MOVING, THEY ARE LYING. I have Scoop to thank for that. :) It made such an impression on me because it is the truth and there was no way of escaping that. Anytime mine spoke, it was a downright, outright lie. A lie for him to benefit from. Stay strong my friend. Move on and leave his sorry arse behind. :) You have overcome, and will continue to......

#6 Sep 16 - 10AM (Reply to #10)

prettypeeved

"they are intentions meant

"they are intentions meant only for them" That's the core part. Whatever their motives, it's ultimately all about them, and them getting what THEY want out of any situation. Once you realise that, you start noticing how so many of their actions are self-serving.

#7 Sep 16 - 10AM

kizzy72

Because

You're a good heart person, and good hearted people tend to think that everyone else is good hearted, so you trust everyone, with a heart like a child, and because of this, Narcs who are vultures prey on good hearted people, then leave you feeling like the bad guy, when its the total opposite. They are sick demented bastards, and considering what I just found out about someone I thought was a friend, they come in both male and female form

#8 Sep 16 - 10AM

spinning

LD, I am sorry

you are feeling poorly. Try to remember it's HIM and not you. Remember: Actions not Words. Look at the Actions, not the words. Here's the deal: He's married. To someone who is not you. He's comfortable with dishonesty (to his wife). He's comfortable cheating (on his wife). He's comfortable using you (because he's still married and says he'll stay that way). Those are really lovely qualities, aren't they? NOT! He says his marriage sucks, but obviously not bad enough because he's still in it. On some level it works for him. You're getting crumbs from an unavailable man. Crumbs are for birds. Go No Contact ASAP. That is the only way to peace of mind. Why accept crumbs when there is a full banquet out there? You won't get to the banquet if you keep this guy in your life. I'm not judging you, LD. I've been in your shoes. He has a wife. Enough said. Most sincerely, (not) spinning. AND STRIVING TO STAY THAT WAY.

spinning

#9 Sep 16 - 11AM (Reply to #4)

Sunafterrain

LD

Picking up where spinning left off here: I heard this a lot too when my ex stayed married because "he wanted to raise his kids" Whatever. Eventually, his wife divorced and he was WORSE to me after the divorce, between targets. It took him two minutes to get over the ex wife. He could have cared less. After a whirlwind romance with a target who has money, he is now remarried again. We've been apart just over nine months. Not long is it? ALL the reasons he said he was staying married were LIES. ALL of them. It wasn't about anyone but him, as I saw as the separation commenced. It was about losing his power and control over his wife, it was the fear of his image as family man gone. He lost his wife, he lost his church (his ex told everyone what he was and what he was doing, cheating with me), he lost it ALL. He has joint custody of his children and has mounds to pay in child support. New rich wife I'm sure is helping poor disordered one out with that. The point here, is that this man is lying to you about why he stays. It has NOTHING to do with his wife or his kids or anything else, it's about IMAGE. The appearance of Normalcy, but WORSE it's about being able to dupe. If his wife doesn't know about you, do you realize what he thinks of HER? "She's so stoooooooooooopid!! AHAHAHAHA!! Dumb bitch doesn't have any idea that I'm SCREWING around on her". seriously would you want to be her? This guy is seriously bad news. Good men do not hurt women the way he intentionally does

#10 Sep 16 - 12PM (Reply to #5)

Susan32

When self-interest becomes self-sabotage

"He lost his wife, he lost his church, he lost it ALL. He has joint custody of his children&has mounds to pay in child support"- It's weird, isn't it? Ns/Ps are all in it FOR THEMSELVES... and they end up screwing themselves BIG TIME. It's like they're so self-absorbed that they don't even know their OWN best interests. Ns/Ps marry for the sake of looking NORMAL. It is all about image... and they end up sabotaging THAT. The ex-Psych prof thought he could have his cake and eat it too (his waist was visual proof he was cheating on me&his girlfriend with Little Debbie)... I wasn't sexually involved with him, but it was an emotional thing, and he thought he'd have me at the college, and have his girlfriend down the street at the museum. But I totes screwed with that. Screwed with his mind, he ended up getting humiliated so badly he got up&ran out during the senior skit that traditionally mocks the professors, and he's had the wonderful luck of being compared with a screaming newborn all because his Daddy and my brother in-law have the same first name&both went to Harvard. Ns/Ps are surprisingly good at self-sabotage. Was I a bad woman for intentionally hurting the ex-P when I found out he already had a girlfriend? Or can I get Dr. Phil's approval for using "tough love"?

#11 Sep 16 - 12PM (Reply to #6)

WakingUP (not verified)

During those times when I think I want revenge...

I just remember that he's REALLY REALLY good at self-sabotage. He'll end up doing the dirty work for me. But in a world where black is white, and up is down, it stands to reason that self-interest is also self-sabotage to a narc.

#12 Sep 16 - 6PM (Reply to #7)

Susan32

He's his own best punishment

When I broke NC with the ex-Psych prof in '03, I told him (using a Ludwig Wittgenstein postcard) he did NOT need me to punish him-he was HIS OWN BEST PUNISHMENT. I happened to break NC around the time he got tenure... a vulnerable time for a Narc, when there's image&prestige on the line. I saw a loooong pattern of self-sabotage. One of my friends noted during the final D&D that the ex-P, as far as his behavior towards me was concerned, could have gotten him fired. What I realize now (since I was NEVER sent to the Dean's office) is that everything he told me during the final D&D was what HE was being told in the Dean's office. He was engaging in projection&mimicking. Getting fired on account of a crazy student/or forbidden love with a student... yeah, that would've been an EPIC sob story, had it happened. He's stuck at a job he doesn't like, with people who know how he treated me... it's not like he got fired, moved on, and went on to fabricate his past somewhere else. My final D&D was PUBLIC and ugly. The ex-P wanted to have sex with me... he sabotaged it by lots of junk food&beer. Oh, and that lack of respect. I mockingly said he was "unworthy of a one night stand." I don't believe in one-night stands, and he was unworthy even of THAT. The ex-P wanted to become a famous philosopher... he has sabotaged that. The ex-P enjoyed being in New Mexico, far from his parents in New England (Massachusetts to be precise)... now they are LIVING WITH HIM. His favorite character, Prince Andrei Bolkonsky in "War and Peace",is a cerebral Narc who sabotages his relationships with his wife Lisa, his fiancee Natasha, his son, his sister Princess Maria... all for the sake of fame. He doesn't end up famous. He has such a romanticized view of battle that he endangers himself-and his fellow soldiers consider him a liability&arrogant. He wants fame&approval from the Czar, Alexander I, and doesn't even get that. Andrei sabotages everything and everyone. He desperately wants FAME at all costs... he doesn't end up famous.

#13 Sep 16 - 10AM (Reply to #3)

lilliandiane

you are right, but it's almost the opposite

His actions in the pursuit stage have always said he loves me--until his words say he's not leaving. Then the entire 7 years--including the latest encounter--seem like a sick joke. I have told him, "I would at least have some respect for you if you said you were never leaving and this was about sex. But to say you love me and that your hands are tied, like you have no say in the matter, is just ludicrous and insulting." But I guess that's the deal, huh? More bang for the buck if you can lie AND then humilate with the most transparent of lies, huh? THAT is what drives an intelligent person off the deep end. Like a person wearing purple (N)telling you he is not wearing purple. When you can see with your own eyes he is wearing purple! "No, it's not purple, it's a new color called Fried Rose. See?" Inside the N is laughing his ass off, right?

#14 Sep 16 - 10AM (Reply to #2)

WakingUP (not verified)

Spinning...

Could not have said it any better than you just did. you are fabulous.

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