Manipulating the Narc, it works

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#1 Sep 13 - 9AM

blueeyes

Manipulating the Narc, it works

I am working on a plan of NC and it's going well. Since I have to live with him until the plan is out, I have read about how to talk to him in the meantime. Well, it is driving him crazy. Manipulating them works very well. He has no idea what is happening and he doesn't like me spending all of my time reading GREAT books on his disorder. He thinks they are self help books. HAHA! He finally asked why I am reading all the time? I said "I want to educate myself". So, whenever he gets a chance he makes fun of me for reading. I ignored it all weekend until last night when I needed to ask him to take our daughter to the Dr, she has a fever. He said "FINE" I said "Are you sure? You seem pretty mad these days." He has been walking around saying things like:
I wish I would get hit by a bus'I wish I was dead
I dont care anymore I won't be alive for long...ECT.
So, naturally he wants sympathy, I assume. He was sad and crying, then when a week or so went by and I have not changed my evassivness. I guess now he is angry today. Yikes. I texted him to ask what time I should make the dr appt. He called my work and screamed that I am so difficullt and to make the F*cking appt and he will take care of his daughter. Yikes. What do all of you veterans think? Should I see violence soon before my plan is here? DO I cange my tactics and give him a little supply?

#2 Sep 13 - 4PM

Kelly

Hmmm

Without knowing too much about him - it's very difficult to tell. My opinion is that the raging is unavoidable and if you think he is violent, you must follow the steps you need to take in leaving domestic violence. It's very important that you take these steps very seriously, because you cannot manipulate a narcissist. You may be able to get better at anticipating their behavior, but you are dealing with a master manipulator. They have been playing their games from a very young age. When you don't play their game anymore, they rage, devalue and discard. Otherwise, if you are making the choice to be around him (because you need to for co-parenting or you want to,) you will just have to play along and be super understanding. It's walking on eggshells and setting firm boundaries. It's an anxiety inducing way to live.

#3 Sep 13 - 3PM

Nicole96

Be just nice enough to make it easier for you

I totally get this idea of not "feeding" them NS but until you can longer be hurt by him / have to deal with him i have found that all the effort in keeping things civil (although totally unfair and lop-sided - AS THE RELATIONSHIP HAS ALWAYS BEEN)is totally worth it to protect yourself and your sanity. I have a ton of things i would love to reveal to my exn and hope he feels bad about it... but really id be fooling myself if i thought it would give me what i want and mean that he would start treating me better. Again, its not fair but i think this apporach helps... Driving him crazy, although a bit gratifying, is only going to make him more unpleasant to be around and more likely to hurt you emotionally. (and in the some cases maybe physically as well) I certainly don't advocate treating him like he's done nothing wrong or acting like you love and support him... i think just staying as realistic and controlled as possible is the best.

#4 Sep 13 - 10AM

kiwi10

your very pretty, by the way

#5 Sep 13 - 10AM

kiwi10

oh my dear god

i may just be in the same situation. living with my narc/psychopath after a divorce. mine is extremely abusive and it sucks!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! this board advocates no contact, so you most likely will get very few reponses. they do that because most of us get sick from talking to them (myself included)... What have you been doing?

#6 Sep 13 - 11AM (Reply to #2)

blueeyes

NC fierflie.

Fierflie, First thank you for the compliment. I know this site advocates NC, and I am getting there. It is a plan and I am being very BLAH, evassive and non concerned with anything and everything. I am living for me and not him but without rocking the boat. He will be gone very soon when the plan is done. I am trying to keep him satisfied when I see the anger coming. I do nothing at home except take care of the kids and READ! He is mad that I am no longer caring for him. So he gets angry at times and I am afraid of violece so when I feel violence I give him a TINY sliver of supply, for example, I will say " Hey, remember that one fun time we had at that concert?" I really do not care about the concert, I am simply giving an inch of supply so the violence subsides. We all can't throw them out on a dime. Sometimes there are many things to take care of first. Also, he was off Sat night and wanted to go to dinner w me. I know that's too much SUPPLY so I said "Oh man, I am going to the movies w my friend." He stays home and hates that I am out so to keep him at bay. I say "I wish I could stay here I'm kinda tired." Of course I do not mean it, it keeps him calm. See? Trust, then verify~

#7 Sep 13 - 11AM (Reply to #10)

terri

timmyboy

You're in a tough situation having to live with the N. Hopefully, that won't have to last long. I think the hardest thing about "learning" to live with a narc would be having to think in the same terms they do. I would think that would mess you up eventually and become confused between normal and abnormal behavior/reactions - so be careful. It takes so much mental energy to think about your responses with him. Take care of yourself and certainly your child. And, if you ever have the slightest intuitive nudge that he could be violent with either of you, get out of there. Even if you tell him that you're just going on a short visit somewhere (to parents perhaps) so he doesn't get reactive/controlling, but just be very careful. I'm a firm believer that true peace comes from NC - so keep that goal as the light at the end of the tunnel.

Believe in yourself!
Terri

#8 Sep 13 - 12PM (Reply to #11)

blueeyes

Terri

The NC will be very soon! I can't wait to share with you all what I did to accomplish NC. I swear I am the dumbest and most brilliant person a tht e same time. I know what I am doing and there will be no time for violence. Iy's gonna hit him like a ton of bricks and when it does, he will not physically be able to retaliate. I have a full proof leagel plan that several people are in on. Trust, then verify~

#9 Sep 13 - 11AM (Reply to #3)

blueeyes

Fierflie- Also, I forgot to tell you

I forgot, just do not answer him in any lenghth. Short and sweet. Example Here is my texts today from Me and My H (who is taking our daughter to the Dr. , if she wasn't sick I wouldn't text at all): His name is GONE, puke..he changed it when he was sad 30 min ago. Here goes: ME: Let me know when u and ash are upand I will call dr. Gone: Ok ME: What time is good for you two? Gone: ? I don't know ? She is sound asleep right now. I guess 1 or 2? I don't know ME: Ok. You ok to take her? I can try to take off. Gone: Are you serious? Why wouldn't I be. Me: You may still not feel well? Gone: Just nake the fucking appt so I can take her, or find someone else to do it. Just let me know what your plans are Me: 1:15 dr appt. Ty if you can take her?? Gone: Got it, thank you. ME: If they have the flu shot she shld get it. Thank you Gone: Ok ***He calls my work and screams at me.... I hung up. Then he called back to say sorry? I said "ok" and hung up. (people were around so I couldn't respond so I texted: Me: Don't be sorry. I get mad too a lot. This sucks and ur sad then mad. I understand. Have a good day. Gone: That's exactly what I didn't what to hear, thank you. Me: What? I understand. That's all. I did not want upset you? I just know how u feel so you don't have to say sorry. Gone: Ok, thank you! Me: Ash doesn't have a phone. I'd like to get ahold of her. Gone: Ok, ash is well taken care of. And I don't understand what I'm doing now? I'm always doing or not doing something. I really don't understand. ME: Ok. I know you don't understand. Sorry. Gone: We are leaving at 1pm for the doctors, I will let you know what they say. Me: Thank you. Trust, then verify~

#10 Sep 13 - 10PM (Reply to #7)

kiwi10

that seems like a lot of back and forth drama

to me... that would drive me nuts, personally. my x husband and i never talked that much...lol

#11 Sep 15 - 10AM (Reply to #8)

blueeyes

Fierflie on drama

Yes, it is alot of BS drama! My anger came out yesterday and I was mean to him. I can't wait for NC! I had to change my name... He and his mommy is snooping. Trust, then verify~

#12 Sep 15 - 12PM (Reply to #9)

kiwi10

i wonder if my x was just a straight up psychopath

because he wasn;t even able to angage in that kind of banter

#13 Sep 13 - 3PM (Reply to #4)

Gracerella

I also lived with my ex for

I also lived with my ex for several months, separated in the same house. It was misera le. He is always so quick to escalate verbally, and I had to learn to not engage. Just walk away, don't react, give nothing he can get a toehold in. It took time, practice, many failed attempts, and the help of my therapist. He's now out of the house, but we "Birdnest" until the house sells (we exchange residents on his nights/weekends). So there is still plenty of opportunity for him to harass me. Just this weekend he asked when I was leaving, I answered, and as he walked away he said "Good. I'm tired of looking at you". No response from me. I acted like I didn't hear him. So he tried again, and I told him "nice shorts!" (they were new...it's good that he has $ to shop while the kids need new stuff desperately). He texted about 2 minutes later with "what a selfish immature petty comment to make from someone who doesn't even realize that brown leather Italian boots are in fashion. By the way you need a new dermatologist". I mean, REALLY??? My therapist calls him "reactive", and as such worries that he'll become violent at some point. She advised me to call the police the next time he escalates. That even if they don't files report, after a few rounds of this they'll have to document it. And it will benefit me in court. I'm just waiting for the next time he starts to yell or corners me. Be safe.

#14 Sep 13 - 3PM (Reply to #5)

wholeagain

Gracerella

"what a selfish immature petty comment to make from someone who doesn't even realize that brown leather Italian boots are in fashion. By the way you need a new dermatologist". He seriously said this??? This is one to remember later on when the worst is over and you can laugh about the inanity of it all! (Are brown leather italian boots in fashion? Guess that slipped by me as well).

#15 Sep 13 - 4PM (Reply to #6)

Gracerella

Wholeagain

I know, LMAO that is actually cut and pasted from my text. You had better believe I saved that one, and forwarded it to my attorney as well. there's so much more, all equally ridiculous. I used to let it bother me and defend his ridiculousness (except for that one-that one was so far out in left field I wasn't even sure where to START) he also laughed once and said "I know you can't afford your attorney, you must be blowing him". This morning when I emailed to ask why our oldest hadn't done her homework while with him this weekend, he wrote back (panicked, because he KNOWS that was one of the reasons I've been giving for not letting him have the kids during the school week) "I never knew that. You never told me. What are you talking about. ARE YOU TRYING TO SET ME UP". I had proof of the text, simply replied that I would take care of it, and suggested he read his texts a little more thoroughly. My therapist likens him (and any Narcissist) to a toddler having a tantrum. Don't give them what they want (supply via a response) and they'll escalate. Eventually they'll settle, but as long as you don't spiral upwards with them. I document, document, document...record as much as I can...make sure my replies are calm and rational (which help highlight his irrationality AND usually give me the satisfaction of causing him to escalate)...and do a LOT of tongue-biting. It used to feel like I was allowing the verbal abuse to continue by not retaliating, but with time I've come to realize that he's going to speak to me this way regardless of how I react. So instead of feeding it and in turn looking out of control and like I'm the CAUSE, I take the opposite reaction. After 14 years together (and 10 years of marriage) I finally feel like I know how to get what I want from him. and what I want is NOTHING HE HAS TO GIVE.

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