Managing Obsessive Thoughts

Absolutely.... "I've often wondered if the N has these same issues, too? I wonder if they thought-spin, mine was so paranoid I consider it highly likely." NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder) is often diagnosed with other mental health disorders (such as OCD and Bi-Polar disorder). This is called "co-morbidity". Substance abuse and other impulsive behaviors often accompany NPD and this is called "dual diagnosis". My EXNH had both OCD and Bi-Polar disorder. As Sam Vaknin explains, "Many narcissists are paranoids. They are afraid of people and of what people might do to them. Think about it. If your very life depended continually on the goodwill of others, wouldn't you be scared? The narcissist's very life depends on others providing him with narcissistic supply. He becomes suicidal if they stop doing so. To counter this overwhelming feeling of helplessness (=dependence on narcissistic supply), the narcissist becomes a control freak. He sadistically manipulates others to satisfy his needs. He derives pleasure from the utter subjugation of his human environment." Ok, now it's very important to understand this, if you ask me. Everyone asks if spending our lives with a narcissist makes us a narcissist ourselves. I do not believe so, however, I do believe we begin to adopt certain behaviors and coping strategies of a narcissist as a result of living with them. As long as we stay in a relationship with an abusive narcissist, we are lying to ourselves about our reality and our feelings. We are telling ourselves everything is ok, even when it's not. How does one do this for years? They adopt coping strategies to avoid having to really feel, right? Isn't this how a narcissist lives his life? He has mastered the ability to avoid feeling. That's where we're all at right now. We have learned very well from our narcissist how to avoid having to feel. We must stop ourselves and realize that we have the ability to feel. Celebrate the fact that you have decided to face reality and wake up. You are no longer lying to yourself that this relationship is ok so you need not lie to yourself or deny how you truly feel anymore. Feel your feelings. It's ok to be mad, angry and sad. Remember, we have the ability to feel. They don't. They tried to take that ability from us, but they can't. We can retrain our brains from their brainwashing and begin to feel again. I'm not suggesting they give us OCD. I have had OCD my entire life. In fact, it's something my EXNH and I could relate to one another on in the beginning of our relationship. However, I do believe that by spending years denying our reality and being exposed to the narcissist's coping strategies and brainwashing, many people who would never experience OCD behavior, do experience it as a result of being with a narcissist. The important thing is to recognize what you're doing. Now that you're out of this relationship and away from him, you can allow yourself to feel again and you can learn not to be dependent on others (i.e. him) for validation. While I do not believe any of us become more narcissistic as a result of trying to love a narcissist, I do believe we definitely learn the paranoia, fear, obsessive compulsive behavior, rigidity (control) and avoidance of real feelings that are the daily existence of the narcissist. This is what makes a narcissist so miserable. They tried to keep us in this world of theirs for years, didn't they? They were envious of our feelings and wanted to stifle them, but we must remember, we are not like them. They tried to make us believe we were. Misery loves company, but we must remember, we are nothing like them. We have the ability to experience a range of emotions! We have the ability to feel. Do not allow the narcissist to take this from you. You need not avoid your feelings and you need not be dependent on others for validation. You have the ability to get in touch with your true self again and when you do, a whole new world opens up to you.

Exactly.... ".... but it happens when my anxiety is up and I usually give in. I over think things, replaying the same negative experience over and over again in my head. I'll do something repetitive - like type the same thing over and over again on a google search or check my email over and over. I'll re-read an email I had already sent over and over again." Yes, re-reading is a common compulsive behavior! We react to anxiety by doing something compulsive in an effort to minimize the anxiety or.....as I finally realized.....to AVOID FEELING! By engaging in this maddening cycle or "loop" over and over again, we avoid having to FEEL the emotions that are coming over us. Instead of FEELING our emotions, we get stuck in a vicious cycle we can't stop. We have avoided having to feel, but our anxiety level is sky high! Because our anxiety is high, we keep engaging in the compulsive behavior because we no know other way to respond. This only makes it worse. At my worst, I could get stuck for hours. We need to retrain our brain and learn to sit and BE with our emotions and be ok with them. It's OK to be angry or sad. We don't need to avoid that by engaging in compulsive behavior. It takes time and you cannot expect perfection overnight (only progress:) but the good thing is that we can absolutely retrain our brains to stop this self-destructive behavior. That's the good news! Below is a great article that discusses how we avoid feeling by engaging in obsessive thoughts and how we can reduce our obsessive thoughts by learning to BE with our feelings. How To Stop Obsessive Thoughts by Mark Ivar Myhre If you want to learn how to stop obsessive thoughts, the first step involves understanding exactly what’s happening to you right now. It’s like you’re spinning on a hamster wheel. Like a treadmill that just runs in circles without ever getting anywhere. Why? Because you lack TRACTION. You spin because there’s nothing to grab hold of. I know; it’s obvious. But it’s important to really let it in: you lack traction. That’s why you can’t stop the obsessive thoughts. Fortunately, you can easily gain the traction you need to end those thoughts. You can end the obsession with unwanted thoughts by following a few simple steps. Years ago, as I studied the finer points of riding a bicycle, I learned a simple but profound truth: the bicycle usually follows the eyes. The bicycle follows the path I choose to focus on, on the road ahead of me. If there’s a pothole up ahead, and I keep staring at it; I’m liable to end up riding right through it. Not good. (But since we tend to shift our gaze away from the pothole, we miss it.) The bike follows the path we gaze upon. Same here. When you have obsessive thoughts, it’s like you’re staring at that pothole and you can’t stop staring. It’s like a deer frozen by the headlights of a car. You just can’t stop. Again, I know; it’s obvious. You’re thinking about something because you HAVE to think about it. You have to think about it because you ARE thinking about it. A catch-22. Can’t stop… can’t stop… can’t stop… those obsessive thoughts. Spinning away on a hamster wheel… So where lies the traction? With your FEELINGS. Because what happens when you’re thinking your obsessive thoughts? You are NOT in touch with your true feelings. Your TRUE feelings. Oh, you might be feeling something. Most likely, though, what you feel lacks realness. Take blame, for example. Blame lubricates the hamster wheel. You can blame all day long and not move ahead one inch. True feelings – REAL feelings – give you something to push off from. Blame gives you nothing. It only takes. Or how about righteousness? If you have the ‘right’ to be angry (and when you think about it, WHO DOESN’T?!!) you will sit and spin for days, weeks, years. The price you pay for righteousness: you must keep thinking the same thoughts over and over and over. Obsessing. Because you really are ‘right’. Look, everybody thinks they’re right. It’s not a question of who’s really right. No. Here’s the true question: do you want to learn how to stop obsessive thoughts, or don’t you? Which holds greater value? Peace of mind; happiness; resolution; balance; realness? Or spinning in righteousness; blame; pity; avoiding responsibility? If you’re truly ready to stop the obsessive thoughts, here’s how to do it: First, write down those obsessive thoughts on paper. It probably won’t take more than a sentence or two. Maybe a paragraph. Then, DIG DEEPLY into what those thoughts make you feel. It always starts with righteousness or blame or pity or judgments or something similar. That’s fine. Whichever lubricant comes up – write it down. “It really is their fault!” “I really am right!” “I am such an idiot!” Whatever. And then recognize: this is the lubricant that won’t let me stop those obsessive thoughts. Next, gut-check time. Which holds greater importance? Going deeper into the realness; the real feelings underneath? Or obsessing over this little statement I just wrote down? It’s not a question of who’s right. It’s not a function of who’s to blame. It’s not a matter of judging yourself or others harshly. The real question: what’s more important to you? You can always dig deeper and deeper into your TRUE feelings if you want to. You can feel without the slimy lubrication. Simply focus on your HEART instead of your HEAD. Stop looking at the pothole in your head. Change your focus. Imagine a hamster wheel spinning in your head. See it spinning and spinning away. Think the agonizing, obsessive thoughts. Then imagine it slowly turns into a sphere of light. Let it slowly sink down to the middle of your body. Feel it sinking down through your head, into your neck, then into your chest and then maybe all the way to your stomach or where ever feels right to you. Let it becomes a gyroscope, if you absolutely must have motion! Focus on either the gyroscope or the sphere of light in the middle of your body instead of the hamster wheel in your head. Repeat this little exercise whenever you feel the obsessive thoughts coming back. Seek out the feelings that come from your BODY. Not the so-called feelings that come out of your head. Focus on your body. And stop focusing all your attention in your head. All the while, taking the time to write things down. And FEEL what those statements feel like… not THINK what they feel like! That’s the key to gaining traction. Get out of your head and into your body. That’s the key to truly learning how to stop obsessive thoughts: focus on the feelings that you feel in your body. all the best, Mark Mark Ivar Myhre The Emotional Healing Wizard http://www.emotional-times.com/2007/08/how-to-stop-obsessive-thoughts.html