Make sure your motivation is right before going NC

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#1 Dec 30 - 3PM

Deidre99

Make sure your motivation is right before going NC

I had an epiphany today...lol Or sorts. I wanted to share with you here, because I think it might help some of you to STAY NC who are struggling with it.

All through the ''friendship'' with the N, I tried to go NC. On a few occasions. It would last anywhere from 2 days to one whole week. Why did I keep breaking NC, though? Looking back, I remember that my motivation for going NC was totally off. Basically, I was only going NC for the following reasons:

*to spite him
*to teach him a lesson
*out of anger
*out of sadness

But, I remember feeling horrible all through NC. And when I look at what my motivation was back then, it seems obvious NOW, as to why it was so hard to stay NC. Largely, because my motivation revolved around him--and not ME. Two weeks ago today, I went NC again. This time has ''felt'' a little different. Looking at the 'why' of the whole thing, explains a lot. I went NC this time ...FOR ME.

I said to myself...D, this man does not fit into what you hope to accomplish in your life. Even though you're ''just a friend,'' the insults, the berating...this is not you. Why do you want this man in your life?

Instead of saying...why doesn't he want ME in HIS life, I turned it around...why do I want this man in MY life? See? See how we should be treating the situation?

I've read threads on here where some of you are asking...what was wrong with me? Why didn't he want me in his life? NO! The question should be...WHY DO YOU WANT SOMEONE WHO TREATS YOU LIKE SHIT IN YOUR LIFE?! Sorry to be so blunt...lol But, when we make that mindshift, we see things so much clearer.

Truly. I have a lot I want to accomplish in my life. I am a good person. I'm an educated and independent woman. I make people laugh, and have great friends. Men tell me I'm pretty. I love the Lord. I want to be good role model for my kids. How does this narc fit in with all of that? HE DOESN'T!

And ladies, that's the key to staying NC. Right there. You have to not go NC out of emotion. Or out of retaliation. Or out of anything you hope to gain FROM him. You have to want to make a clean break. You have to want him out of your life. Because he doesn't fit with who you are. The problem with some situations, is we make these men our whole lives. Often, after a relationship is through with a narc...our lives look like ghosttowns...complete with tumbleweeds rolling down the desolate streets of what used to be our lives. That was the case with the first narc I was with. This narc, not so much. That said...YOU HAVE TO CREATE A NEW LIFE FOR YOURSELF. Whatever that looks like for you.

Once you make NC about you, and not about him...you will STAY NC. Looking back at the times I've broken NC (before I labeled this man a narc, before coming to this forum) I would be checking my email constantly...I would be checking his FB constantly. I was obsessed with hearing from him. WHY? Because my motivation for going NC was totally off. It was about getting an apology from him. It was about teaching him a lesson. I AM A WORTHWHILE PERSON, DAMMIT!

But...now, I am a worthwhile person (dammit) with or without his approval. If he were to show up at my front door and call me every name in the book...I would not care. I am to that level now...where I can honestly say...I don't care what HE THINKS OF ME. I think for me, having broken up with him a while back, and we have had this oddball friendship all this time, has given me time to wean away from him. Unlike some of you, where the wounds are still fresh ...my situation is slightly different from that. But...you have to get to the point where you say...''For whatever reason this man feels the need to berate me, whether he's a narc or whatever...doesn't matter. I ONLY WANT PEOPLE IN MY LIFE WHO VALUE ME.''

When you make that declaration to yourself? I promise you. YOU WILL STAY NC.

He's on IM right now. lol I have not reached out. He typically only 'shows' himself as available because he knows I have always contacted him in the past this way, after a typically bout of NC. NOT THIS TIME, BUB!

Narcs be gone! Should be like a Harry Potter spell or something we can whip out...narcs be gone! lol

Hang in there ladies. I hope this helps you...I really want us all to heal from these situations we've been in. Everyone's situation is slightly different, but in the end...YOU MATTER. Go NC because it's the right thing to do for you...don't make it about him. The whole relationship was about him. Make the letting go, about you!

Happy new year!

#2 Jan 1 - 1AM

iAmMINE

(((((((Deidre99)))))))

I see your point and raise you a healthy "reality"... who gives a phuk why you do a NC with an 'N'... ?? so long as you do a NC with an 'N' :) NC with an 'N' is 'different' than a NC with an unhealthy family member, friend, acquaintance... there is NO LOGIC with an 'N'... AT ALL... promise, cross my heart! "been there, done that"... wayyyy tooooo many times.... 1. Get away. 2. Stay away. 3. Do Not look for 'logic' in the relationship, nor in the breakup. PS: because it's not there... 4. Stay away. 5. Think about it, but stay away. 6. Cry, but stay away. 7. Weep, but stay away. 8. Grieve, but stay away. 9. heal and STILL stay away. 10. Celebrate and still stay away. 11. STAY AWAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! NC NC NC NC C NC NC NC................ Peace & love for you & your wellBEing ;) Keep Learning & Keep Healing ~~~ ~~~~~ The best revenge is to survive and be victorious over it. Nobody can take from you what you don't give them.

~~~ Keep Learning & Keep Healing ~~~

~~~~~ The best revenge is to survive and be victorious over it. Nobody can take from you what you don't give them.

#3 Dec 31 - 10PM

helldweller

Deidre

You are so right on with this. What happened to the girl I used to be who said to herself, "This ain't what I'm looking for?" and showed the guy the door? Where did this girl come from who says, "Pick me! Me! Me! Me!" ??????? He doesn't make me happy. Period. Dump him. Done. That's what's so hard to understand and to explain to others.

#4 Dec 31 - 7PM

Deidre99

I wish I could change the

I wish I could change this thread title. Like...something along the lines of...''How to maintain NC.'' That probably would have been more suiting. lol

#5 Dec 31 - 6PM

rochkevin

Wow, from all the stuff that

Wow, from all the stuff that i have read on this site, this is the most powerful info that i have ever read. Its a new year and after reading all the posts, i can finally move to NC. Thanks you all for your posts. Happy new Year.

#6 Dec 31 - 7PM (Reply to #13)

Deidre99

rochkevin

Glad you'll be going NC!! If you ever find yourself waivering...after you make the decision to go NC...please stop in here, and we will help you through it! NC is so you can take back your life. NC isn't about punishing the narc...or retalitation...it's about finding your way back to you--without all the noise, confusion and abuse. Here's to a wonderful new year. :=) God bless. *hugs*

#7 Dec 31 - 3PM

Briseis

NC just means "no contact"

NC just means "no contact" :D Oh wait, everyone knows that. I mean to say, "no contact" is "no contact". Period. Pfft. Fine fini finis. Whether you have NC for the right reason or not (and there IS a right reason, Deidre is right!) it is still no contact. It is quantum leaps better than CONTACT. I've seen many, many people go NC for the wrong reasons, and then convert to NC for the right reasons, without ever breaking NC. It's just that your likelihood of breaking NC is so much higher if you do it to punish him. Or in hopes he'll think "what have I lost??" If you do it for the wrong reasons, it's still NC but you are hoping for contact, whether you admit it or even know it consciously. No contact is not hard. It is SO easy to not have contact with someone you don't want contact with. If it is a struggle, it's because you are ambivalent. You still want contact. It's cognitive dissonance. You aren't convinced at a very important level, that you are dealing with a Narc. Once you understand what a Narc IS, you will not have trouble with NC. You will relish it and protect it and respect it.

#8 Dec 31 - 3PM (Reply to #11)

Deidre99

Amen! I agree. I think that

Amen! I agree. I think that when I reverted back into old ways throughout my ''friendship'' with the narc...it was because I wasn't ready to let go. And I honestly hadn't thought about narcissism until the very end. I remembered a friend of mine telling me about her narc husband a few years ago, and the thought dawned on me as things got worse and worse between me and the N. You're right. Once you realize, this person is never going to change. I'm going to continue to be mistreated. Until I go NC, nothing will change. Why do I want to be treated this way? And then it does come down to us. We have to ask ourselves...why do I want this person in my life, who has shown me time and time again...he isn't going to be nice to me. I thought about this today, though. Maybe because when you're nice to someone...and he/she isn't nice in return...you are left confused. So, you try harder to be nicer...and then that person just keeps returning your niceness, with meanness. It's mind boggling. The madness only stops when you go NC. I appreciate all you have to say here, Briseis...you are an inspiration to us all. Happy new year to you! :=)

#9 Dec 31 - 12PM

safyre99

What a great post

What a great post Deidre! I liked the comment "I only want people in my life who value me." So why would I want my exN in my life. He didn't value, care about or respect me, so he's not worthy of being in my life! I've been NC for about a month and I admit that I keep hoping that he'll contact me, but after reading your post it reiterated the point that we have to not want them in our lives... that they make our lives worse, not better. I have wonderful family and friends who do value me and love me, so I need to focus on that on not on someone who isn't worthy of my love. Thanks for your wonderful post!

#10 Dec 30 - 5PM

jen79

Deidre, Amen sister

Thats exactly it. Amen!

#11 Dec 30 - 4PM

mystwoman

You've got NC figured out,

You've got NC figured out, Deidre! 100% correct. You're doing great. NC about US not the narc. Great post!! Happy New Year to you, too.

______________________________________________________
God sometimes removes a person from your life for your protection. Don't run after them.

#12 Dec 30 - 4PM

peaceatlast

This absolutely is the point!!

This post is so important Deidre that i had to just say thank you; I recently broke NC ( see the i got lonely post),because i was DOING IT FOR THE WRONG REASON.It was all about proving a point, of teaching him a lesson , of as you say, even exacting some revenge. My failure to ever succeed for long at NC was due to my motivation being 'off', skewed, ALL ABOUT HIM!!!! Since the last episode of d and d and more humilitation, i have finally got to the point of understanding this is about me and my life and the wonderful possibilities. A small thing. He ' hated' me reading.I am now returning to this as well as load of other interests i put on hold to 'please' him. For me i have had to go through a series of NC's before realising it had to be meant. So folks if you have tried and failed do not beat yourself up but read all of this and understand you have to really really know you want to change yourself and your life. As Deirde says if its for other reasons it will ' not stand the test of time'. Do not betray yourself. Act in your own best interests and the rest will follow. Sometimes this is hard to do and it can take practise, so take it from one who knows!!Be brutally honest re your intent. Happy New Year to all the wonderful people on here. I cannot thank everyone enough for their continued compassion and care. Peaceatlast xx

#13 Dec 30 - 10PM (Reply to #6)

Deidre99

peaceatlast

He hated you reading??? ugh. :=( I hope you find peace in this...I think you will once you stick with NC. NC offers us peace. My thing with NC is...when used properly. When used because you truly want the guy out of your life...don't want to hear from him...want to heal. It is a great gift. When you use it as a weapon (which I did on occasion, sadly and this is how narcs use it, when you think about their 'silent treatments') you won't stay NC. You really won't. Because you're only NC to get a reaction. Like narcs do, really. Have to get to the point when going NC has nothing to do with getting a reaction from the narc. **hugs** Take care of yourself this weekend. Stay busy. Pamper yourself. Do something fun. A new year is coming...great things are on the horizon. :=)

#14 Dec 30 - 4PM

peaceatlast

This absolutely is the point!!

#15 Dec 30 - 3PM

Deidre99

One more thought to

One more thought to this...Going NC is crucial, at any stage ...when you are being abused by someone. Let me just say that. I didn't mean to say, tolerate the abuse...until you are at a place mentally, where you don't care about the guy. No, NC is a lifesaver, at any stage. But, what I am saying is...WHEN YOU MAKE THE DECISION TO GO NC...try to shift your thinking into it's about you, and not him. THAT will keep you NC. I am living proof of this, because I always resumed contact...when he would apologize. So, it's not about getting an apology. It's not about anything but getting yourself away from the noise and abuse. It's about healing. It's about having only healthy, edifying people in your life. Sorry-just felt the need to add that, because I didn't want the take away to be...only go NC when you're at this or that stage. No, going NC is crucial when one is being abused. But, make it about you, not about him. Ok...off my soapbox now! :P

#16 Dec 30 - 4PM (Reply to #2)

agnesmurphy17

Absolutely!

NC is a state of mind! It is very simple when the victim is entirely finished with the N. Really once there is an understanding & a realization that what is occurring is ABUSE & has nothing to do with the deficiencies of the victim (as alleged by N) -- then why have contact anymore with this jerk? NC can be a form of contact if it is used as a form of communication. (N's do it all the time, "the silent treatment" or "stonwalling" -- and does it illicit a response from the victim, such as weeping, regrets & begging.) If one is silent to the N because one wants to teach & N a lesson. To have N miss the victim so as to reform his ways in his regrets . . . well that is using NC as a means to communicate to N & to teach N a lesson in the hopes that N will change. Hence, it is so difficult not to contact . . . particularly when the N comes hoovering. The victim perceives the hoover as a sign that N has changed because he misses victim. Yes. N misses victim. He misses his punching bag always conveniently there with a smile accepting & faciliating his abuse. The abuse he needs to perform so as to discharge his own discomforts. It has nothing to do with the victim, what she has done or not done. This is why there is no rhyme or reason as to what triggers the abusive episode. It's all dependent on the whims of N. SO, really, once one believes that the N is abusive . . . what's the difficulty in NC? Does one want to drink hemlock once one realizes it's poison? But Ns are like cigarettes -- sometimes they kill you, sometimes they don't. But oh the pleasure when one has a glass of wine & a smoke. It's so pleasant now even though I intellectually understand this may just kill me.

#17 Dec 30 - 4PM (Reply to #3)

Deidre99

agnes...

So true agnes! For me, because I have been in a friendship mode for the past few months with this guy, I was slowly coming to the realization of what was happening. For others, especially those who were married to these nuts, leaving a long term romantic relationship can be hard, even with an abusive person. The desire to want to return to how things were when you met the person, is very strong. But...if you have defined goals and boundaries in your own life...then, it should be easier to remove someone who doesn't have good intentions for you, out of your life. When I made the shift...''I don't want this man in my life.'' and stopped thinking...''why doesn't he want me in his life.'' or ''why doesn't he want to be my friend anymore...'' or ''why doesn't he value me as a friend...'' everything changed, then. So...whether or not he's a narc...to me, at this point? Matters little, except it helps to show me why he behaved as he did. But, regardless. If someone is abusing you...he/she doesn't need to be in your life. Period. Whether or not they are mentally ill...who cares. I won't allow someone to abuse me anymore. For whatever their reasons are.

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