Major, epic anger

Greetings, friends. I am writing to elicit advice from those of you who have reached that point in recovery during which anger sneaks up and bites you in the ass. Repeatedly. And hard.

I am so furious that I can hardly function. I'm trying to put coping strategies into effect: working out like a fiend, doing yoga, meditating, keeping busy with positive projects, surrounding myself with friends (or being alone if I feel like I can't keep it together). However, I feel like I'm going to explode for most of the day. I then will swing into sobbing...still angry, just anger with tears. Extremely attractive, let me tell you...lookin' good right now.

I NEVER allowed myself to be angry with the exNP during our relationship and he gave me MANY reasons to not only be furious but to RUN away from him. And yet, I stayed. I tried to love him more perfectly. I forgave HIM. I put up with loads of bs and abuse and just smiled through it. I'm so furious that he treated me this way; I'm so angry that even now, after I ended things and asked him to leave me alone that he still persists with annoying hoovers. He had no respect for me and I just took it...

Now, here I am back in a town I didn't want to live in, but moved to get away from him. My friends are having babies (seriously, 2 are pregnant and one is working on it) and here I sit without a child, the one thing I have wanted for so long. With the narc, at least I was able to be in his children's lives. He made that impossible too, so now I don't even have them. I am realizing how much I let my job go and am horrified at how I let things slide. Had no idea at the time because I was so busy dealing with his chaos. So, I let him screw up my job too.

I'm pissed that I have to work my ass off everyday to try to get over this monster. It is exhausting, but I know it will pay off. I'm totally committed to it, don't get me wrong. However, in the scheme of things, I would have REALLY liked to be spending my energies in a different way. I wish I had NEVER met him.

Which leads me to how angry I am with myself. I realize now how little self-respect I had. Embarrassing.

I really don't want to be angry. I've never liked feeling this way, so I've always stuffed it away. I guess it caught up with me. Ugh!

Any advice? Similar experiences? Want to vent, too? I could really use your help.

With love,
ZS