Lurked for a year

Hi there. I am new here and have been reading for about a year now. I don't really know where to begin except to say that I need help getting out of the cycle I have been in for the last 3 years. I will share things when I have more time and confidence. I don't always have use of the computer but i really need some help. I am 9 days NC now. I am hoping that this time is different. I need it to be in order to get out of this hole I have dug for myself. Because I have been reading steadily for the past year I have all the knowledge but I don't seem to have strength. I have been shallow and am jeopardizing my family and my reputation for a man who is nothing and I know that. I am not sure if anyone knows how to help me.